“You can totally use limes as deodorant. They last about a week if you keep them in the fridge in a Ziplocked bag and it might be a good idea to label them (I’d go with “pit limes).”
Secrets of a Great Bath
I don't know why, but I have a feeling that you're not taking enough baths. Am I right? I feel like I'm right. And if you're trying to tell me that you're too busy or your tub isn't clean enough for such activities to take place, I'm disappointed in you. The luxuriousness of a bath is something that we all have access to (provided you own a tub). Why are we constantly passing up the opportunity to bask in some hard-earned peacefulness? Do you feel that you don't deserve it? You're not worthy of a twenty minute dip? Nonsense, I say. You do deserve such a life. Quite honestly, maybe you're just unaware of how to specifically make the most of having a bath. You know, a proper bath. So here's what you need to have:
Candles. That should be obvious, but maybe it isn't. The strong, harsh lighting of most bathrooms simply won't relax you to the fullest, so you'll need tiny little tea lights that surround you. They're crazy cheap from any dollar store, like those ones shown above.
A cold drink. This complements a hot bath more than words can describe.
Bubbles. Not the shitty drugstore kind, but, like, an Avon brand or better. Those bubbles are the money bubbles.
Scrub mitt or exfoliation glove. Since you'll be soaking it up anyway, you might as well scrub some of that old, dirty skin off.
Body scrub. This just makes sense if you're trying to come out of this tub soft as hell.
Scrunchie. If you have long hair, it just makes sense.
Face mask. What better time to use a face mask?
Pumice stone. For the feet!
A pad of paper and a pen. These'll be useful 'cause your mind will be so clear that you'll remember things that you need to do or ideas that come to you or other things of that nature.
More than one clean towel. I love getting out of a tub and having a ton of clean towels at my disposal. Maybe that's just me.
And most of all? Keep your cell phone OUT of the bathroom. You should bask in the time away from it and most importantly, you don't want to be one of those losers who drops it in water. I feel no sympathy for those goons. Happy Tubbing, tubby!
(P.S. I hate that 'tubby' is a mildly offensive word. It's so funny and lighthearted, I wish we could all just use it lovingly and obliterate any negative connotation with the word. Let's work on that.)
You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.
Mom Says
“It’s bad luck to leave shoes upside down.”
“Cook rice in broth instead of water to boost the flavour.”
“Slice up some apples and put it in your water. Tastes a million times more refreshing than lemon wedges.”
No More Q-Tips!
All right, it's likely that you're not going to listen to this advice since you're probably an adult who is already settled into his/her ways and refuses to believe that an outside source has your best interest at heart. Right? I know I'm that way, so I don't fault you for being the same.
That being said, pleeease just consider this idea! Or ask your doctor about it. Every doctor I've ever asked has told me it's a bad idea to use Q-Tips. Maybe just go ask for yourself.
Smart Phone Manners
I know it's a common occurrence to have every action of daily life interrupted by technology. I really do understand this. My main concern here? How much worse is it going to get before we all hate one another.
I recently got an iPhone (I upgraded from my 2009 Samsung that finally died) and I really thought I'd become as equally annoying as everyone I know (with the exception of maybe one person) with this new device in my life. But honestly? I think I'm the same me. And thank God for that.
My main problem here? Table manners & smart phones. If I were to rule the world, I'd create a course on the subject and implement it in every elementary school classroom, so we could grow up having a basic understanding of THINGS WE SHOULD ALREADY BE AWARE OF.
What does it take to not be considered an impolite piece of iPhone-using scum? Not much! Here's a gentle list to take note of.
Things To Avoid
- If you're seated at a table that has cutlery on it, don't you dare put your phone down on that table. Don't do it. I don't care if you're a man who keeps his phone in his pocket, figure it out. (Sidenote: it really can't be good for men to keep cell phones so near their junk. Has anyone done a study on that yet?)
- If you really can't fight the urge to read that text that just arrived, put your phone on Do Not Disturb mode if you're amongst other, polite human beings so you're not tempted to look.
- If you're waiting for your drink or food or cheque to arrive, this is not the time to check your email. If you're amongst company, speak to these humans beside you. If you're alone, LOOK AROUND maybe or have a thought of some kind. Your time doesn't have to exclusively consist of refreshing your Instagram feed.
And the most important rule of all? If you must, absolutely must, take your phone out for whatever reason (and that better be for a good goddam reason) - you should, at the very least, apologize for its presence. To bring out and use your phone with no explanation at a sit-down dinner is inexcusable and rude beyond measure. And the fact that you're even slightly thinking right now, "Whoa, calm down, Liz. Everyone does it." is abhorrent. We used to have better manners. I know that we did because I'm not that old and I remember a time when manners were sort of respected. I don't know how this shift slowly happened and we all became dirtbags, but it doesn't have to be this way. I know it. I just know it.
“If you happen to open a colonic therapy center, you might want to invest in some sound-proofed walls. Just a thought.”
Mom Says
“You must hold your breath while going past a cemetery or you will breathe in the spirit of someone who has recently died.”
“Avoid eye contact with basically everyone at night.”