“Anytime someone tells you that they don’t know how to dance, tell them, “I can help you. All you have to do is write your name in cursive with your ass.” Try it. Always works.”

“As you get older, you should probably just stop being friends with those who are always late to see you. Your patience with people should always have an expiration date.”

“As a waitress, I’m telling you: tip whatever you want. It’s your choice, always. Anyone who tells you 15% is a minimum can go right to hell.”

“Always say hello to the person you sit next to on a plane. It’s so weird when humans don’t do this to other humans.”

“If you’re thinking about changing up your current wardrobe, I suggest watching old episodes of The Nanny for future inspiration.”

Mom Says

“A knife as a gift from a lover means that the love will soon end.”

“If there are dirty dishes in your sink at night waiting to be cleaned up the morning sun... yuck.”

Mom Says

“When knitting, if you stab your needles though your yarn balls it will bring bad luck to anyone who wears something made from that yarn.”

“If you blend up some almond milk, a frozen banana, some frozen pineapple chunks, vanilla protein powder & ice - it tastes exactly like Bananas-A-Whey from Booster Juice. EXACTLY.”

“If you’re making salad, pour the dressing around the walls of the mixing bowl (about halfway down from the top of the bowl/halfway up from the bottom) and then mix it in with your hands into the lettuce. It makes for better distribution of the dressing. And it’s fancier.”