Superstay 24 Hour Color by Maybelline

Do not buy this product. Why?

• IT CAKES LIKE CRAZY. Just mad cake-age. 
• Costs $10 and has the consistency of DOLLAR STORE CHILDREN’S PAINT.
• Granted, I hate this product - but they only give you a quarter of what the packaging looks like (half of the tube is a clear lip balm to put OVERTOP). And quantity matters.

I’m usually smarter about buying things. Or… no, maybe I’m not. I gotta try some things out SOMEtimes, for Christ’s sake. And this was a fail. The only reason that I even ventured into that stupid aisle was because of this conversation I had with a woman who was doing my makeup once:

Me: “Is it all right to just not use any lipstick? I hate that stuff.”

Her: “What’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I just think it looks too phony.”

Her: “Are those your real eyelashes?”

Me: *nervous laughter*

Me: “I just don’t think it looks good on a lot of people in real life to have lips so outrageously colored.”

Her: “That’s insane. You’re insane. Go buy some lipstick.”

SO I DID. This isn’t lipstick, but a lip stain, so I thought this would be my first step into the realm of possibility. I will now be taking a step back. Just a fucking terrible product.

I would take a photo of my lips right now to show you how ugly it looks, but I don’t want the only photo of my lips on the internet to look ABHORRENT. 

Mom Says

“To drop a comb while you are combing your hair is a sign of a coming disappointment.”

Peppermint Extract For Lips

If you’ve ever bought any sort of product that advertises itself as a lip plumper, then please read on. If not? I don’t know, maybe go here and make your brain better or something. (Also, if you’re a woman who’s adequately happy with what her lips are doing for her? I envy you.)

I never buy any of those products anymore - mostly because the majority of them are trash. Expensive trash. I read the following tip in a “Fun Facts” section of a cookbook once, so that’s probably why I trust it.

After you put your lip balm on, dab a bit of peppermint extract on next. It pumps them up like mad. I’ve been doing this for about, oh, say six months or so and I feel like it’s been working. 

(Extra tip: using hot sauce does the same thing, in very small quantities, of course. Though, I wouldn’t fully endorse that idea because then you just smell like you ate something spicy all day. Not the hottest, but I’m sure some people are into it.)

“Dull nail polish? Dull life.”

— #lizadvice

“When sweeping the floors, do little bits of dirt stick to your feet or socks while you do it? Wear heels. A cleaner and sexier solution.”

— #lizadvice

Secrets of White Teeth

If you’ve seen me in real life, have you wondered why I have such white teeth? It’s genetics.

(That’d be really funny if the post just ended there.)

Ignoring the fact that I compulsively like to talk about when I’m “being really funny”, the real answer is because of whitening toothpaste and mouthwash. Colgate Optic White, to be precise. The toothpaste and the mouthwash. Over the years, I’ve tried a bunch of different ones but, in my opinion, this one is the cheapest, the best tasting and the most effective. I was going to put a side by side photo comparison of my before teeth and after teeth, but then realized that I have been using this stuff so long that I only have after photos. I know, it’s a hard life.

Also, if you’re reading this and you’re a smoker? Wow. That’s cute. Stop smoking, dummy, and then you can benefit from my inadequate years of experience. 

Mouthwash Tip of The Day:

Don’t pour a whole lot into your mouth when mouthwashing, that’s a waste. Just put, say, less than 1/4 of a cup (why am I using baking measurements? Sorry, but those are the only I know). Anyway, just pour a tiny bit in your mouth, but then swish it around like a madman for double the amount of time it says on the back label (usually about a minute). You’ll go through your mouthwash much slower than you regularly do, but with double the results. 

I know this post sounds like a commercial. Frankly, someone should take these words, make it into a commercial somehow and pay me some money. It’s a great line of products.

You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.

Tip - Soft Lips Lip Balm

I’ve been using this brand of lip balm for over ten years now. Maybe that’s a sad sentence to hear. Or maybe I just know when something is especially quite good. Why is this baby so good? I’ll tell you why, jerk. THEY’RE SO SLIM! Really. That’s probably my main reason. Yeah, they smell good and go on smooth, but every damn lip balm does/has that. These just glide right into my pocket and aren’t as bulky as your run-of-the-mill ChapStick. I also feel like it lasts longer than other brands, but that could just be a completely false statement. 

Apparently you can buy them at Walgreens, but I haven’t seen proof of that yet so I just buy a bunch when I’m in Canada at Shoppers Drug Mart. 

If you’re weird enough to purchase lip balm in bulk and/or online, you can get them here. I’ve never bought them online before, but I might now because they offer silly flavors like marshmallow ghost. 

Sorry about calling you a jerk. That was rude. 

“Due to it being a weapon and a tooth cleaner, carry dental floss in your purse or pocket.”

— #lizadvice

“Want whiter teeth, but can’t afford costly whiteners? Get a tan. Conversely: want to look tanner, but can’t afford a vacation? Get some teeth whitener. I’m serious. This works for me.”

— #lizadvice

Tip - Vitamin E Cream & Baby Oil

All right, listen. I got rough elbows. That is - I *used* to get rough elbows. You know what I mean by that, they were ashy as hell little nubs. I’d endlessly rub this Life brand Vitamin E cream on throughout the day, with little results, for as long as I can remember. And a few weeks ago, I was reaching for the Life bottle and it slipped off my dresser due to some oil that had spilled underneath it. 

The heavens parted, and I came up with the idea of combining the two. And man? I’ll never go back. Now if you’re going to try this, you must use the tiniest amount of baby oil, otherwise too much will for sure dry them out. And I’m just using this on elbows, I haven’t tried it on anywhere else yet. Perhaps on a particularly ashy day, I’ll venture elsewhere, but until then…