Fake Eyelashes

Lady: "Your eyelashes are so long."

Me: "Oh, they're completely fake."

Lady: "Really? But they look good!"

Me: "Aren't you a peach, thank you!"

Lady: "I can never put them on correctly! But I really wish I could."

This conversation happens with me at least once a week. Now... other than me boasting about when people say nice things to me, this post does have a point. If you are a woman who has ever wanted longer lashes, buying fake (and relatively cheap) ones are the way to go. Why?

1. Having fancy eyelash extensions put on are 100% bullshit. I've had them done (probably about ten different times). Usually through a Groupon deal of some sort, and every time I do them I think, "No. THIS time will be a good experience." And that's never the case. Mostly because they're never as dramatic as I want them to be. And I don't mean dramatic like Kim Kardashian's fake ones, but dramatic like how lashes look in mascara commercials (Sidenote: I've never owned a mascara that does what the commercial says it does. No company has some revolutionary strategy that'll give you wicked lashes. This is a fable that has been told to young girls everywhere and needs to be stopped. ) The extensions say that they last for three to four weeks - which is not true if you ever, you know, wash your face. Now... I don't even wash my face that much (which is not actually that gross, I just don't think my face benefits from cleansing) and it's always still a hassle. They usually look good for about two days and you feel amazing, but for $50+ I need them to be amazing for way longer than that. Anyway, I hate them now. Don't do it.

2. If you fucking PRACTICE putting fake lashes on, then you will become amazing at it. As with anything in life, really. It literally took me over twenty times to perfect it. Now I'm a pro. And really, if there's anything that you don't know how to do - well, fucking keep at it until you get it. 'Cause I gotta tell you, the reaction I get 'cause of these lashes is excessively pleasant. I'm gonna say that 80% of people just linger there when they look at your face. And you want to look at yourself in mirrors constantly - just an unhealthy amount. It's great. Oh! And one tip: make sure to cut the lash strips a bit so that they don't irritate your eyes or hang off the ends in an unattractive manner. 

Unfortunately, not every woman is blessed with beautiful, flowing lashes. But when it's so easy to fake, it's ridiculous not to try this out (if you are infact intrigued by the idea having longer ones). 

​All eyes are creepy up close, but mine especially are - sorry about that.

The lash glue that I use is Revlon's Precision Lash Adhesive and goes for about $5 at any drugstore, and looks like this: 

And does it matter if people can tell they're fake? Not to me. If I think I look good, then I'm gonna go with that. I've had about 70% more sex when I chose to wear false ones on any particular night, so I must be doing something right. 

Edit note: Where do I get all of the percentages listed above? Well, that's an intrusive question. Let's just assume that they've been researched and analyzed extensively. Good day. 

Lip Tips of the Day

1. Gently scrub your lips with a damp toothbrush to exfoliate before applying lipstick.
2. Want your lips to look plumper? Dab clear gloss in the middle of your bottom lip.
3. Moisturize your lips with face lotion. Unlike chapstick, it really soaks in and wards off dryness.
4. Searching for the perfect pink? Squeeze your fingertip and look for a lipstick that matches the pink hue of your skin.
5. Think of your lips as a barometer of your overall hydration. If your lips are chapped, you need to drink some water immediately!

“At the end of a shower, rinse your hair with crazy cold water to boost shine.”

— #lizadvice

“Wear as little black as possible. It looks like you’re trying to hide how good you look.”

— #lizadvice

The Almighty Slip

What is a slip? What a foolish question!

"A slip is a woman’s undergarment worn beneath a dress or skirt to help it hang smoothly and to prevent chafing of the skin from coarse fabrics such as wool. Slips are also worn for warmth, and to protect fine fabrics from perspiration. A full slip hangs from the shoulders, usually by means of narrow straps, and extends from the breast to the fashionable skirt length. A half slip hangs from the waist. Slips are often worn to prevent the show through of intimate undergarments such as panties or a brassiere." (Wikipedia)

Why do I wear a slip? So many reasons!

• They’re usually silky as hell - and if it isn’t silk then it’s definitely that other fabric that’s like silk, but less expensive and they sell it at The Gap - both of those fabrics feel wonderful against my skin.
• On a windy day, a slip is tight enough to cling to your body and stay in place while whatever wild skirt you’re wearing flies up in every direction.
• That last point is a big one, did you hear me? Read it again.
• They’re beautiful and comfortable as hell to sleep in at night. Also, if you’re sleeping alongside someone? Well, you’re gonna be classy as hell to wake up next to.
• Most other women these days do not wear slips, (so really this should be a post about why you shouldn’t buy/wear one so I can keep being somewhat vaguely unique) and that makes me trust wearing one even more, for whatever reason.
• There are some beautiful ones that have a lace trim at the very bottom, so that when you’re wearing a skirt or dress, you can see the slip a bit at the bottom sticking out. This is too hot a thing to have happen and almost illegally sexy. 
• I have this theory that fancy women in the old days never wanted to have their skin actually touch anything. Example? Men holding doors open, constant hat-wearing, fancy gloves being worn all year round. Really, what was with all that glove wearing? You know, those beautiful gloves that women would wear even in the hottest weather? I love that! I have those gloves! (Though I can only bring myself to wear them on special occasions.) And with a slip, I just think women didn’t want their precious bodies to touch any sort of material that interacted with their day. Maybe I’m reaching in this reasoning, but I like it - so I’ll believe it and adhere to it. 

Reasons To Wear A Slip

1. You are a dignified lady of substance.
2. You are not a dignified lady of substance, but you yearn to seem as such.
3. You are not Marilyn Monroe. As a gust of wind blows your dress up into the air, even if you look marvelous in this moment, you did not create it, she did. You pale in comparison, so please don’t attempt this. 

Where can you buy them? I’d search online first, mainly because any time I come across them in a store it’s always by happy accident (past accidents have included The Gap, Victoria’s Secret and even The Bay). I would post some photos of my own collection of slips, but now… is that something a dignified lady would do? 

“If possible, you should do your makeup near a window. Not one with the direct sunlight streaming in, but just sit near a window. Just good sense since most indoor lighting is terrible.”

— #lizadvice

“If you have dark hair and any bald spots on your head, you can easily cover them up with a makeup brush and some dark/black eye shadow. It’ll make your hair look full as fuck.”

— #lizadvice

“I will always silently and secretly laugh at all women over the age of 18 who wear bras with clear plastic straps. Don’t do it. Clear does not mean invisible. We can all see the straps. You look foolish.”

— #lizadvice

How to Prevent Thigh Chafing & Foot Blistering

With the summer coming up (it’s barely spring, I know, calm down), there are many things that you need to prepare for. Not sure who this post is aimed at, but you might appreciate it if you’ve ever:

• Had a blister on your toe and/or heel because of a certain kind of shoe

• Had thighs that touch each other when you walk, whether it’s due to you having normal, human-sized thighs OR whether you wear really tight skirts and it forces your thighs to meet

• Experienced chafed thighs from running

And I do not intend for this to only be read by women. Most men I know do nothing or very little to try and prevent blisters - why is this? No idea. It’s weird. Take care of that stuff, everyone. 

Anyway, the solution to all of these problems? Rub deodorant on the area that’s being a bitch, ie. directly onto the area of where you would presume you would get a blister (because of ill-fitting shoes you own or because in the past you’ve noticed getting blisters after wearing certain shoes) or directly on the areas where your thighs touch. It will solve the problem. 

It has something to do with the ingredients in deodorant that makes this work - something about the slipperiness of it, if you want me to get technical. 

I’ve tried this before (all of last summer) and it felt wonderful to not have that be a constant issue. Oh! And one more thing, if you try this and decide that it’s working for you as well, it’s really good to invest in one of those travel-sized deodorants to have in your purse/bag. Why? Well, things get sweaty in the summer and sometimes you need to re-apply midway through your day. Kinda gross, but just being real with you.

You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.

Superstay 24 Hour Color by Maybelline

Do not buy this product. Why?

• IT CAKES LIKE CRAZY. Just mad cake-age. 
• Costs $10 and has the consistency of DOLLAR STORE CHILDREN’S PAINT.
• Granted, I hate this product - but they only give you a quarter of what the packaging looks like (half of the tube is a clear lip balm to put OVERTOP). And quantity matters.

I’m usually smarter about buying things. Or… no, maybe I’m not. I gotta try some things out SOMEtimes, for Christ’s sake. And this was a fail. The only reason that I even ventured into that stupid aisle was because of this conversation I had with a woman who was doing my makeup once:

Me: “Is it all right to just not use any lipstick? I hate that stuff.”

Her: “What’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I just think it looks too phony.”

Her: “Are those your real eyelashes?”

Me: *nervous laughter*

Me: “I just don’t think it looks good on a lot of people in real life to have lips so outrageously colored.”

Her: “That’s insane. You’re insane. Go buy some lipstick.”

SO I DID. This isn’t lipstick, but a lip stain, so I thought this would be my first step into the realm of possibility. I will now be taking a step back. Just a fucking terrible product.

I would take a photo of my lips right now to show you how ugly it looks, but I don’t want the only photo of my lips on the internet to look ABHORRENT.