“Does your underwear have any holes in it? Yeah, I don’t care how soft it is, how much you love them or how much you paid for them, CHUCK IT. Everyone should be ashamed of ratty underwear.”
Exfoliating Bath Gloves
Here's a short story.
I used to use these bath gloves reLIGiously for months and months (for, oh, about three times a week? Some say there's a danger of over-exfoliating if you do it that much, but... well, you already know how I thrive in the face of danger). Then the summertime happened and I stopped - why? No real reason, was just trying to shake up my shower life so I started using more soap and less body wash. ANYWAY, I haven't used those exfoliating bath gloves in months. About two weeks ago, I started noticing some rough skin on one part of my back, which puzzled me. And today, I was hanging out in my shower and thought, "Hey! Where are my gloves?! I could use a real scrubbing." So I put those gloves on and went to town. Then I came outta the shower and I looked at that rough patch of skin and... FUCKING SMOOTH AS EVER. All that roughness was gone. In ONE exfoliation session. Do you understand how nuts that is? I can only imagine all that rough ass skin on all y'all who ain't using these gloves. Makes me shudder.
Story over.
Moral of the story? You need these gloves in your life. Men and women alike. You feel like a freak at first, just naked and standing there with these silly gloves on, but man - the outcome makes it so worth it. And I've grown to love these guys. They'll be apart of my shower hangouts for the rest of my life, I think. I'm pretty sure you can use soap with the gloves, but it just feels so much more refreshing to use some body wash that you love that smells outrageous, in my opinion.
The gloves cost around $5 and are sold, um, everywhere. Drug stores, Wal-Mart, The Body Shop, online, etc. I'm not sure how often you're supposed to replace them, but I think I probably replace them... twice a year. And if that sounds gross to you, well, that's really judgmental.
“When painting your nails yourself, leave one nail undone as you do your others, and then do that one once all the others are done and perfect. This way if you screw up along the way, you still have one nail that can clean it up since it isn’t done yet.”
Essence Sun Club 100% Splash-Proof Eyeliner Pen
This is the only eyeliner I use anymore. I found it in a Dollarama in Canada eons ago and have been using it ever since. I literally never fuck up my eyes when I use this pen. I've been told that you can find them in some Shoppers Drug Marts as well, but definitely look for them in any dollar store 'cause, obviously, they're way cheaper there.
I used to only use this eyeliner in the summer, since it's really great in hot weather and it doesn't come off as you sweat (it's gross to imagine my eyelids sweating, but let it be known that it does infact happen) - but now I just use it year-round since I've come to love it so. I like the ultra black one, since, well, who the hell uses brown eyeliner? Weirdos, that's who.
Depuff-ifying Yo' Face
I like to sleep in. Every day. Or, you know, whenever the opportunity presents itself. Not because of laziness, but moreso because I feel that I'm owed more sleep.
The most helpful tip I've ever read in a magazine about losing that too-sleepy look when you have to wake up when you would opt not to? This guy:
The best tip for making your face look fresh after a sleepless or sleep-heavy night is to soak a washcloth in very hot water, press it against your skin and give your face a hearty scrub. Then, rinse that off and splash your face with freezing cold water. Your capillaries will respond to the changes in heat, which will stimulate lymph vessels and blood flow for better depuffing.
And voila. A presentable human being.
Essie Apricot Oil & Base Coat
Women who wear nail polish love Essie. That's one of the few universal truths I've learned thus far in life. I, however, do not care for most of their colours. Why? Much too dull for my kind of living. The fact that they don't carry any fluorescent hues is the main reason I tend to steer clear of the brand as a whole.
Their base coat, though? What a beaut. They have two different base coats available and I use the milky-looking one and love it. What's the difference between the milky one and the clear base coat? Absolutely no idea - and I don't really care to find out considering it took me about three days to finally figure out what the hell "cuticle oil" is even FOR (sidenote: it's for the benefit of your nail beds so they don't get all hard or hangnail-y and using the oil daily also helps manicured nails last longer since the polish is easier to chip if the nail beds are dry). So once I learned that, I used their Apricot Cuticle Oil and it made me feel fresh as hell when I put that junk on. Absolutely their two best products. Definitely buy these, if you're in the market for this kind of thing.
“No shaving cream? Use conditioner! (This is directed at both men and women, by the by.)”
Hair Tip of the Day
Never comb or brush your wet hair. Seriously, don't do it. It breaks the hair follicles and makes your hair fall out way quicker than it normally would. What should you do instead? Brush your dirty hair BEFORE you get into the shower and then once it's clean, just use your finger tips to get out tangles. Obviously this is easier to do if you use conditioner (side tip: only condition the hair that isn't on your scalp, 'cause if you condition your scalp it'll get greasier way quicker - only the ends need conditioning).
How do I know these things? Experience, son! My hair used to fall out like mad. For years. I only got a handle on this a few years back, and after trying these things there's no going back.
Also, if you have roommates, don't forget to clean out any hair in the drain after your shower. Blows my mind that people still don't adhere to this human courtesy. (I am in no way talking about my own roommates, they're wonderful. I'm talking to you other cretins who aren't doing this.)
Eye Tips of the Day
- Line the lower rims of your eyelids in white to look more awake.
- Hold a small post-it between your lashes & eyelid when applying mascara. The sticky strip sticks to your finger and lets you really work the mascara in.
- A splash of olive oil on a cotton ball removes eye makeup.
- For a more dramatic curl, use your hairdryer to heat up your eyelash curler for a few seconds.
- A bit of shimmery white eyeshadow dusted in the inner corners of your eye sockets will brighten up your whole face.
Fake Eyelashes
Lady: "Your eyelashes are so long."
Me: "Oh, they're completely fake."
Lady: "Really? But they look good!"
Me: "Aren't you a peach, thank you!"
Lady: "I can never put them on correctly! But I really wish I could."
This conversation happens with me at least once a week. Now... other than me boasting about when people say nice things to me, this post does have a point. If you are a woman who has ever wanted longer lashes, buying fake (and relatively cheap) ones are the way to go. Why?
1. Having fancy eyelash extensions put on are 100% bullshit. I've had them done (probably about ten different times). Usually through a Groupon deal of some sort, and every time I do them I think, "No. THIS time will be a good experience." And that's never the case. Mostly because they're never as dramatic as I want them to be. And I don't mean dramatic like Kim Kardashian's fake ones, but dramatic like how lashes look in mascara commercials (Sidenote: I've never owned a mascara that does what the commercial says it does. No company has some revolutionary strategy that'll give you wicked lashes. This is a fable that has been told to young girls everywhere and needs to be stopped. ) The extensions say that they last for three to four weeks - which is not true if you ever, you know, wash your face. Now... I don't even wash my face that much (which is not actually that gross, I just don't think my face benefits from cleansing) and it's always still a hassle. They usually look good for about two days and you feel amazing, but for $50+ I need them to be amazing for way longer than that. Anyway, I hate them now. Don't do it.
2. If you fucking PRACTICE putting fake lashes on, then you will become amazing at it. As with anything in life, really. It literally took me over twenty times to perfect it. Now I'm a pro. And really, if there's anything that you don't know how to do - well, fucking keep at it until you get it. 'Cause I gotta tell you, the reaction I get 'cause of these lashes is excessively pleasant. I'm gonna say that 80% of people just linger there when they look at your face. And you want to look at yourself in mirrors constantly - just an unhealthy amount. It's great. Oh! And one tip: make sure to cut the lash strips a bit so that they don't irritate your eyes or hang off the ends in an unattractive manner.
Unfortunately, not every woman is blessed with beautiful, flowing lashes. But when it's so easy to fake, it's ridiculous not to try this out (if you are infact intrigued by the idea having longer ones).
All eyes are creepy up close, but mine especially are - sorry about that.
The lash glue that I use is Revlon's Precision Lash Adhesive and goes for about $5 at any drugstore, and looks like this:
And does it matter if people can tell they're fake? Not to me. If I think I look good, then I'm gonna go with that. I've had about 70% more sex when I chose to wear false ones on any particular night, so I must be doing something right.
Edit note: Where do I get all of the percentages listed above? Well, that's an intrusive question. Let's just assume that they've been researched and analyzed extensively. Good day.