When You Fall...

I fall down a lot. I’m not a moron, I just have poor eyesight and no depth perception. (Not being cute here, they’re seriously just bad eyes.) And since I’ve fallen down hundreds of times, I have some advice for you. Or rather, some things that you shouldn’t do when recovering from said fall.

Things Not To Do When You Fall

• Completely act like nothing happened. People do this one a lot and it’s really funny to see. I never think the actual fall is funny, but people ignoring it makes me hysterical. It’s so weird to not acknowledge, and almost robotic.
• Get mad. I don’t know who you think you’re mad at – maybe the sidewalk? Or the city for not fixing that step? Nope, it was you. You’re at fault. And if you’re mad about that, well, there are some deeper issues going on inside of you and you should maybe calm down a bit.
• Cry. I’ve seen this twice before. From adult women. I’m pretty sure they were drunk, but still. Don’t do it. The attention you’re craving from this crying is massive and uninteresting to everyone around you.
• Be embarrassed. Now, this is hard. I think after years of falls, I’m only beginning to adhere to this point. It’s extremely hard to fight off embarrassment in any situation. But honestly, one of the most unattractive sights alive is an embarrassed adult. Some people fawn over the embarrassed – I do not. This is not an emotion we should cater to. We all feel it sometimes, but you can’t give in to it and let it overtake you because it’s so stupid. Dumb things happen to everyone! We’re all idiots! Sometimes we accidentally walk into trees or walls. Deal with it with dignity at least. And witnessing a grown adult who’s red-faced with embarrassment? Ugh. Grossest sight you can see.

Things You Should Do When You Fall

• Try to grab onto someone on your way down. You’ll either take them down with you (which is great always) or they’ll save your ass. 
• Smile immediately. It shows that you’re a human, with human emotions, and can take these things light-heartedly.
• Laugh. Especially if you’re alone. It’s such a silly thing to happen to a grown person who knows how to walk, so you need to have a sense of humour about it. Also, if I saw a guy walking who tripped or fell and then started laughing about it? That man is a real man. He’s a human who isn’t so serious at all times. 

What To Do When You See Someone Fall

• Never laugh. This is the meanest thing to happen in life. (Okay, not actually the meanest, but in the top three.) This makes my heart fall to pieces when I see someone laughing at a stranger. Never do it. Such a dick move. Don’t do it.
• Don’t say, “Whoa. That was bad.” Saying this offers nothing. I’ve heard this phrase maybe… five different times and it always hurts. I know it was bad. I don’t really want to talk about it right this moment. Even if I am smiling, I might be in pain. Also, I don’t know you. And I’ll never have a response for this sentiment.
• Be concerned, but not overly concerned. There's a fine line between someone who doesn't give a shit at all and someone who overly wants to talk about it. Try to find the balance between the two and be that person. 

Honestly, it’s harder to see someone fall than actually experience it yourself. Why is this? I think it’s because no one knows how to act when it happens to them. And most people are awkward as hell. It doesn’t have to be this way. I really think the worst thing you can do is just ignore it completely when it happens to you. Please stop doing that, everybody. 

Edit Note: I know this is a long post. I apologize. I have very strong feelings on the matter and I couldn't condense it down. Won't happen again. 

One last thing? These signs always make me giggle. Look at that little guy! Just great. 

Why You Should Try Pilates

I've only been doing pilates for about two weeks now and I really think I'm gonna stick with it. Yoga has occupied a lot of my time off and on for years, but I just had my first pilates class recently - and I don't think I'll ever want to go back to yoga now. It's not that I dislike yoga, I just don't really care about focussing on all of the breathing stuff, I think. Maybe when I'm older I'll give more of a shit about that kind of thing? Not sure. But for now, I'm think I'm looking for something that's more heavily involved in lots of movements and strength stuff. And that is exactly what pilates is all about. 

Why should you try it out?

1. It can range from being really tame to grossly exhausting, depending on the teacher, which is a good thing. Why is that good? 'Cause if it were the same level of intensity at all times, that would get monotonous. And also, some days you want to push yourself.
2. It's, in my opinion, more active than yoga. Unless you're into how calming yoga is, then cool, stick with that. But if you've ever done yoga and have either scoffed at it or thought it wasn't for you? Definitely try pilates as an alternative. 
3. It's not just for women. Most classes I've gone to have been 90% women, but I've talked to male personal trainers who swear by going. They say that it helps with a man's flexibility more than anything (which is something most men don't care about apparently? And they should.)
4. If you skip going to the gym and go to a class instead - you don't feel terrible about the no gyming. 
5. You learn to get bendy as hell.

Anyway, if you ever get a chance you go to a class, definitely go. I love it to death. I know it's only been two weeks, but it's the only sort of exercise that's managed to excite me and make me want to keep going. And I feel like that's a hard thing to come across. 

Sidenote: Just because I do healthier stuff now does not mean I won't review donuts and/or pen an essay exploring the greatness of all the different kinds of gravy in the world. 

Glamour Shots

Is this post self-indulgent? Yep. Did I just find these prints at my parent's house and need to post them immediately? Bigtime.  

Knowing that this costume was even AVAILABLE in a Canadian Glamour Shots sums up so much about how Canada views the U.S. and that's hilarious to me. And the fact that not only did this outfit exist in Canada, but I chose it. Why? 'Cause I love America, boyo. Even at age 11. I really hope you still exist somewhere, Glamour Shots. I really, sincerely do. (P.S. I was/am overly proud of my pose choices. Lotta thought went into those gems.)

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Me & Mom Talking About My Boyfriend's Facebook Page

Mom: Is it all right that I liked so many things on his page?

Me: What do you mean "Is it all right"?

Mom: Am I allowed to do that?

Me: ...Do whatever you want!

Mom: Okay. Is doesn't give the wrong impression?

Me: What impression are you trying to give?

Mom: I don't know... not a bad one.

Me: It's fine, Mom.

Mom: No, it's too much. I'll take some back.

Me: That's even weirder! Don't do that!

Mom: Okay. I'm just gonna delete my account.

Me: Mom! Just leave it.

Mom: I hate internet.

Me: You mean the internet?

Mom: <already left room>

Song of Myself - Walt Whitman

When I die, somebody please read this beautiful excerpt at my funeral:

"What do you think has become of the young and old men?

And what do you think has become of the women and children? They are alive and well somewhere,

The smallest sprout shows there is really no death,

And if ever there was it led forward life, and does not wait at the end to arrest it,

And ceas'd the moment life appear'd.

All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses,

And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier."

- Song of Myself, Walt Whitman

Annoyance of the Day - The Weirdness That Surrounds The Word 'Feminist'

Feminist: a person who supports feminism. 

Feminism: The advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men. 

How can this be any clearer?! 

What's my description of feminism when some idiot asks me "what it means" to me? My understanding is that if you're a feminist, you want the same stuff for men and women. That's it. Pretty simple.  

Some people I've come across (colleagues, acquaintances, lovers, strangers) usually think one of two things if the topic of being a feminist comes up. (Sidenote: I am never the one to bring this topic up. Why? Because most people are morons who don't know how to act like a normal human being when that word is uttered in their presence, so I tend to steer clear of it.)

Thought #1: A feminist hates men.

Or the brilliant Thought #2: A feminist thinks women are above men and should be seen as such.

Both these thoughts obviously get me going because I just want to scream about all the things that are wrong with those words. And honestly, I'm usually so enraged at the ignorance of ideas like that to want to continue and tell someone why they're not very smart. If only I had this article printed and always with me in my purse. 

I really can't stand it when I get into an argument with someone and the question of, "Well, do you have a man pay for your dinner? Do you like it when a man holds a door open for you?" happens with the guise of telling me that if I do these things, then I can't be a feminist. First of all, these questions hurt my soul. I should not have to prove my feminist beliefs to anyone, ever. No one should. That's ridiculous. But if we're being real here, I love it when someone pays for my dinner. Not because I'm a woman, but because I have no money! Would I ever expect someone to pay for me because I'm a woman? Well, since I'm not a sub-level human being, no! I'm not crazy! Any people who expect someone else to pay for them are just not good people! Or married. (And also, whoever is in front should hold the door open, that's just common sense/kindness!)

On another note, I also can't stand it when I read article titles that start with, "Can a beauty editor be a feminist?" or "Can so-and-so be a feminist?" Look up the fucking definition of the word! EVERYONE can be a feminist, assholes. Even murderers! (As long as they're murdering men and women, I mean.) Almost anyone can be one!  (Probably not rapists... yeah, they'd be pissed to find out that I was getting paid as much as them.) And likely, if I know you, you are a feminist. My mom and dad are, both my brothers, my boyfriend, all my friends - whether they know it or not. I wouldn't surround myself with people who didn't want me to get just as much stuff as them. Doesn't make any sense. 

And I know this topic has been covered again and again on a million sites, but it's on my mind a lot, so I needed to say something about it all. The negative connotation of the word feminist will probably never change, I get that. But I can still scream about it from time to time.

(Sidenote: the "colleagues" I mentioned above consist of my dry cleaner, the electrician who lives across the street and local CVS employees.)

The Problem With Ribfest

You've probably been to at least one ribfest in your time on this planet. And if not? Well, okay then. I guess we're a different class of people, you and I. 

If you have gone to one, did you find it to be a well organized affair? Of course you didn't. Yeah, the ribs were probably great. Duh. But what's the real problem with this "fest"? Many things. Such as:

• The lines.
• No where to sit.
• Expensive as hell ribs. 

And the biggest problem of all? No samples! What they should be doing is charging you a cover of some not-crazy amount which allows you to go around to many different rib booths and SAMPLE small amounts of their specialty ribs and/or sauces. And when you've picked your favourite place, YOU GO AND BUY A RACK FROM THAT PLACE. You know? Like they do it in chili cookoffs in movies? Now that makes sense. Nobody wants to settle down and pay a ton of money on some random type of UNTASTED ribs just because it was the shortest line! It's a festival! You want the best! 

I know I like to talk a lot about what I'd change if I were mayor - I realize that. But this ribfest business would be the first on my list to change. Makes me so mad that they don't know how to do it right.

Notable Mini Golf Places Across North America

I love mini golf. I'm not good at it or anything, not even slightly all right. But the act of playing it has always made me happy. Something to do with the lightheartedness of the courses, I suspect. Anyhow, here are some amazing courses that I would dream of playing on. 

Forewarning: this list is going to seem pretty excessive. But you know how when you start something fun and then you can't stop until your head starts to hurt? That's what happened here. I don't even care that much for mini golf (okay, maybe I do...). Or maybe it's just fun to do mini-projects that effectively don't matter... yes? Anyhow, here is a list of mini golf places I would thoroughly enjoy visiting one day. (Click on each photo to see more photos.)

1. Professor Hacker’s Lost Treasure Golf – (locations in South Carolina, Oregon, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Tennessee (this lacation has the insane Gold Course), and North Carolina)

• Has a pirate ship, an airplane and a ton of caves (that you play through)

• To get to the beginning of the course you ride a mining train to the top of the hill (!)

2. Around The World in 18 Holes (Lake George, New York)

• Each hole represents a different nation

3. Ahlgrim’s Acres (Palatine, Illinois)

• It’s an actual funeral home with a free round of mini-golf at their mortuary-themed course with every standard funeral package. This sounds crazy. I can’t even tell if I mean crazy/great or crazy/nuts.

4. Ripley’s Old MacDonald’s Farm and Mini Golf (Sevierville, Tennessee)

• 18-hole course with animatronic farm animals that moo, bark, and cluck

5. Mayday Golf (Myrtle Beach, South Carolina)

• A golf course version of the abandoned tropical island on Lost, basically

6. Par-King Skill (Suburb of Chicago, Illinois)

• Features an elaborate roller-coaster hole made out of over 750 wood pieces, and a Sears Tower hole

• Obviously the best name of a mini putt course

• Once referred to as the Taj Majal of miniature golf

• Has rotating holes

• Has a roulette hole!

• There is one hole where you putt into the center, and your ball foes up the elevator and them comes out at the top of a loop-de-loop!!

• Today, the miniature golf course houses several unique wooden figures and mechanical objects, including a moving clown and an incredible wooden roller-coaster

• Seems AMAZING

7.  Timber Creek (outside Toronto, ON)

• Rushing waterfalls, turning sawmills

• 19 holes with a lighthouse, shipwreck and lookout tower all set up off a boardwalk overlooking a pond

8. Vic Hadfield’s Mini Putt (Oakville, ON)

• All the holes are named after NHL hockey players and the final hole is all set up like a hockey rink and if you sink the puttthrough a goalies legs who stands in a regulation net, the red light will go off

9. Dolphin Mini Golf (Boothbay, Maine)

• Full size lighthouse

• This place even has tournaments (like in that Simpsons episode! Isn’t that adorable? Yes, that is adorable.)

• Completely surrounded by lakes and streams

10. Disney’s Winter Summerland (Orlando, Florida) 

• There are two distinct golf courses contained within the Winter Summerland course, one with a snow theme and one with a sand theme

11. Pirate Island Golf (Avalon, New Jersey)

• Featuring talking pirates, cascading waterfalls, and pirate ships

12. Goofy Golf (Panama City Beach, Florida)

• One of the oldest mini golfs in the world

13. Hawaiian Rumble (Myrtle Beach, South Carolina)

• The centerpiece is a huge volcano which makes the ground tremble and causes flames to erupt every 20 minutes

14. Skokies Sports Park

• Okay, this is a kid’s course – BUT after you hit your ball at one of the holes, you get to slide down a slide to get to it – and uh, that’s incredible

• And then there’s another hole where you’re supposed to putt it in the water, and then there’s a strong current and your ball gets washed upon shore (where the green is!)

15. Mini Golf On A Roof (Igualada, Spain)

• It’s on a fucking roof!

I've also included some single photos of just some wicked/crazy looking holes. So cool. 

Annoyance of the Day - Lottery Tickets as Gifts

I like to think that I'm good at choosing gifts for people. If I don't come up with the right gift for you on your actual birthday (and we're the sort of friends where gift giving is the norm), then you will receive your gift at some point within that birthday year. Always. And it will usually be quite good. Now, while I cannot pass that desirable quality along to you - I can tell you what gift not to give anyone, ever...

Lottery tickets. Or scratch cards. OF ANY KIND. 

Why? So many reasons. 

1. You would never buy a bag of Doritos or a pack of cigarettes as a present for anyone (hopefully, God, you wouldn't), so you should be human enough to know that something bought at a cashier's register is not a gift. 

2. In doing this, I know for a fact that you thought about what my "gift" would be about three seconds after you left your front door to come see me... WHICH IS WEAK. 

3. Not only are you not giving an object or experience or smile or even a goddam HUG as a gift - you're giving me the CHANCE of winning a lot of money?! Wow. Just wow. Gonna aim to remember that sentiment forever, bud.

4. I may be wrong here, but don't the people who buy and enjoy scratch cards LIKE picking out the cards themselves? Like, for luck or whatever? So even if someone LIKES this awful gift, you're still taking the fun out of letting them CHOOSE the damn card/s themselves. Wonderful.

5. If, infact, you DO give this as a gift - it can only go two bloody ways:

Option A

The ticket loses. And thus, you have given someone trash as a birthday gift. Just a worthless piece of garbage. 

Option B

The ticket wins. And then what? What the hell is the etiquette there? Do I get to keep all of the money? I didn't buy the ticket, I didn't even ask for the ticket. But surely there's some kind of unwritten code here. If I win $5, does that mean I get the whole $5? What if it's for $5000? If someone gave me a lottery ticket or scratch game and it won $5000, I would have to be the most impolite cretin alive to not give that "gift-giver" at least a percentage of my winnings. But what percentage?! We haven't agreed on anything upfront! How the hell am I supposed to decide what amount is appropriate?! You are making my life miserable by making me answer these questions. And I don't care how nice a person this gift-giver is, they are for sure gonna resent the hell out of me winning that money. So great, now I have an enemy. DO YOU SEE WHAT A BAD IDEA THIS WAS?! Nobody should be put through all of this.

Anyway, worst gift idea ever. Even as a stocking stuffing. Hate it so much. PUT MORE THOUGHT INTO GIFTS, EVERYONE.

(Sidenote: What are appropriate stocking stuffers? Fucking apples, oranges, a bite-sized Snickers and maybe a few Kool-Aid packets. Always hated those damn kids who got fucking CDs in their damn stockings. CDS ARE PROPER GIFTS.) 

Dumb yes, but this always makes me smile.