This is a portrait that was drawn of me by the talented Gregg Vance Emery over the weekend at the Poetry Brothel. He can typically be found at all of their events, walking around and sketching people he sees for free.
Annoyance of the Day - Gift Receipts
I hope you know where I'm going with this. What's so annoying about gift receipts? THE ABSENCE OF THEM.
(And before I go on, if you find this post selfish or crass, please don't ever get me a gift. If you're that sensitive about such a topic, I can't imagine you'd be a good gift-giver anyway.)
Now, why are people so anti-gift receipts? Those tiny pieces of paper are beautiful little angels who WANT you to enjoy the money that has been spent on you! The mere existence of them is one of the greatest advancements in our modern society. Hey! You don't like your gift? That's cool, go pick out something else you DO like and don't waste that hard-earned money that was spent on your behalf! That's all they're saying, why are they not more used?!
I'm not alluding that for every gift I get, I want a gift receipt attached to it - I'm not some sort of demon. But if you're buying someone a gift and you're asked the question, "Do you want a gift receipt with your purchase?" - why the hell is the answer ever NO?! Who has the abnormally high confidence that every gift they've ever bought has been the absolute perfect gift?
Oh, and the weirdos who give you a gift, you open it and then they say, "I have a gift receipt if you want it" - are we kidding here? Why did you not just include it in the box?! You want me to ask you for it?! I already told you that I'm NOT a demon, so no - I don't think I'll be asking you for that little piece of paper.
It's so simple. You get a gift receipt. You include with the gift. If the gift sucks, the receiver doesn't have to throw out something they'll feel badly about. They can, God forbid, GET SOMETHING THEY ACTUALLY WANT. Why is this a difficult concept?
Okay. I'm getting heated up here. I'm sorry. There are, of course, exceptions to these opinions. If you're in my family and there isn't a gift receipt with someone that I don't particularly care for - I'll probably let you know that I want to return it. And it won't be weird 'cause we're family and we can be dicks to each other without guilt. But with friends and acquaintances? That's a way harder area. Friends feel like they should know you, but such is not always the case. And telling a friend is WAY harder than telling your family.
And honestly, there have been maybe four instances in my life when I've really wished there were a gift receipt with a certain gift I've been given. I'm typically very happy whenever someone gets me anything, so I'm really just speaking generally. Gift receipts are so important. I mean, they exist - so why not give them with every gift? Unless you're buying that gift online, I really don't see why this custom hasn't caught on more.
All right, that's it. I'm sorry that you think I'm a terrible person, but someone needed to say it.
The Best
It will always make me laugh when she licks her foot.
Happy Halloween!
Here's this year's costume, babies.
Baby Dog as Spiderman
Spiderman!
An Average Night At Home
These guys.
Fury of the Day - Ask Me How I Want My Burger Cooked, Canada
The main difference between the United States and Canada? In the U.S., you will always be asked how you want your burger cooked - but in Canada you will never be asked that question since they assume your answer will always be something like, “Duh, of course well done.”
WHEN DID THIS BECOME THE NORM AND WHY?
Really. Why!? It's such a small thing seemingly, but how did this catch on and become an internationally known custom? For the longest time, I wasn't even aware that people ate their burgers anything less cooked than well done. And why is that, you ask? Well, Canada raised me that way. It was only after visiting the U.S. that suddenly I was given many more options. And you know what? "Medium" is kind of amazing.
My real beef (hahahah not sorry) lies with the fact that the youth of Canada will experience this same trend and not learn for many years that there, infact, are many more options out there.
And if you're looking at me like, "I know a place in Canada where they ask you how you want your burger cooked" then you can go right to hell. Of course there are places that are exceptions. But typically speaking, those places are either exclusively-burger places or fancy-ass restaurants. And it shouldn't be that way! Every place should ask! Why should we, the people, not have a choice in the matter?
If you think I'm being too passionate on this issue, you're wrong.
Autumn Decorations
We all fall into two categories of people - those who seasonally decorate and those who do not. Guess which one I fall into.
I love walking into a home and being able to feel what time of year it is. There's something that makes me so happy about someone putting that much effort into their daily surroundings. Here are a few that I made and put up when I was visiting my parent's house recently.
I know these are little subtle, but that doesn't make them any less lovely, in my opinion. And if you think I'm a snob about the kinds of decorations that people put up, you'd be dead wrong. I find the most gaudy of decorations just as pleasurable to see as the more demure ones. I'm really just a fan of people celebrating any kind of holiday or season. And when you're ready to move on to the next season, you can always store them in your handy holiday decorations box.
Secrets of a Great Bath
I don't know why, but I have a feeling that you're not taking enough baths. Am I right? I feel like I'm right. And if you're trying to tell me that you're too busy or your tub isn't clean enough for such activities to take place, I'm disappointed in you. The luxuriousness of a bath is something that we all have access to (provided you own a tub). Why are we constantly passing up the opportunity to bask in some hard-earned peacefulness? Do you feel that you don't deserve it? You're not worthy of a twenty minute dip? Nonsense, I say. You do deserve such a life. Quite honestly, maybe you're just unaware of how to specifically make the most of having a bath. You know, a proper bath. So here's what you need to have:
- Candles. That should be obvious, but maybe it isn't. The strong, harsh lighting of most bathrooms simply won't relax you to the fullest, so you'll need tiny little tea lights that surround you. They're crazy cheap from any dollar store, like those ones shown above.
- A cold drink. This complements a hot bath more than words can describe.
- Bubbles. Not the shitty drugstore kind, but, like, an Avon brand or better. Those bubbles are the money bubbles.
- Scrub mitt or exfoliation glove. Since you'll be soaking it up anyway, you might as well scrub some of that old, dirty skin off.
- Body scrub. This just makes sense if you're trying to come out of this tub soft as hell.
- Scrunchie. If you have long hair, it just makes sense.
- Face mask. What better time to use a face mask?
- Pumice stone. For the feet!
- A pad of paper and a pen. These'll be useful 'cause your mind will be so clear that you'll remember things that you need to do or ideas that come to you or other things of that nature.
- More than one clean towel. I love getting out of a tub and having a ton of clean towels at my disposal. Maybe that's just me.
And most of all? Keep your cell phone OUT of the bathroom. You should bask in the time away from it and most importantly, you don't want to be one of those losers who drops it in water. I feel no sympathy for those goons. Happy Tubbing, tubby!
(P.S. I hate that 'tubby' is a mildly offensive word. It's so funny and lighthearted, I wish we could all just use it lovingly and obliterate any negative connotation with the word. Let's work on that.)
Autumn List 2015
Of course I'm going to make a list of autumn things to do and of course I'm going to tell you about it. Off we go!
Go apple picking.
Make tiramisu! (What's that? This isn't a typical fall thing to do? I can't hear you?)
Take photos of Baby Dog in the leaves.
Go to Goodwill to figure out my Halloween costume.
Watch Hocus Pocus.
Decorate the front porch of my parent's house.
Scent the house like autumn.
Try the new soups at Sweet Janes.
Visit the oldest cheese shop in NYC - Alleva Dairy.
Check out Washington Mews in Greenwich Village.
And I'll probably peruse this list a little, since, you know, OCTOBER IS COMING.