Everything Is Perfect When You're A Liar By Kelly Oxford - A Review

If you're under the impression that I recommend a lot of things to you, you'd be correct. If, however, you think that I recommend everything I read/watch/see to you, THAT'S where you'd be incorrect. For the record,  I see lots of average, semi-okay things in my daily life that I choose not to share with you because, well, it isn't up to par. Just wanted to put that out there. You're never being duped by me, group.

Onto more important things... this book! The book's great! I've been looking forward to reading it for awhile now and finally did. Here are my highlights: 

• "I shook my head. "Girl, the rapist would go haywire with all that diarrhea and totally just kill you." I was totally saying "girl" like I was Tyra Banks when she's talking black to make it obvious she's having fun. (Tyra only talks white when she wants you to know she's serious.)"
• I don't know if I was just deliriously tired when I read the chapter "The Backup Plan" where she's describing working in a palliative care center, but the last two pages of that chapter made me sob, it was so sad and well written. 
• "I'm never catty. Cattiness is a girl-on-girl crime, I'm not biased; I have as much contempt for men as I do for women." 
• "The first time I thought about how beautiful Osama Bin Laden's eyes were was in the middle of the night, and the next morning I woke up with the worst UTI of my life." 
• In the chapter when she meets David Copperfield, I learned that he has heat sensors on his audience because he checks to see which illusions they respond to - which is the coolest in the world, I thought. 
• "I look like a need a dollar sign in my name." 

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There really are lots of other great parts and stories, so you should definitely give it a read. I first heard about her like everybody else did - on Twitter. She also has a great blog. Excited to see what she does next. 

You can buy the book here or get it at your local library if you're cheap.  (Cheap people are people, too.)

(Also, it took a great deal of restraint to not go on excessively about how gorgeous this woman is and that fact combined with the fact that she seems like a really sincere and fun person? Ugh. Very envious and glad that she's getting so much success.) 

Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead - A Review

You need to watch this documentary. It's about this man who decides to do a 60 day juice cleanse, but then it becomes about a lot more - involving other people as well. Is that description vague? I hope it is. Just vague enough so you might be intrigued into seeing it. 

Honestly, it's just a crazy good film and ridiculously... heartfelt. Maybe that seems like the wrong word choice, but I'm sticking with it. There's this one man Phil in it that is just... I love him. You really have to see this. The whole thing can be viewed on YouTube here.  

Why did I enjoy it so much? Man, I wish it were one thing that I could place and tell you. But it was a lot of things. The fact that it started out as being about one idea with one specific man, and then turned into so much more? That's probably it. And everyone apart of it seemed so genuine and, as lame as it is to say, inspiring. Absolutely no reason not to see this one, guys.

Umami Burger

This L.A. chain just opened a location in NYC earlier this month. I went yesterday evening. You need to eat this burger.

That is a photo of The Original above. I ate it... slowly. That's how you can trust that I'm being forthright in telling you how good it was. What's in The Original? A parmesan crisp, shiitake mushrooms, roasted tomato, caramelized onions, a house umami ketchup. The bun? Fucking pillowy and perfect. Just delicious. For $12 a burger I was expecting it to be, at the very least, memorable - and it definitely was. The wait for a table is just dumb, but hopefully that'll settle down once the summer winds to a close. You need to try this burger. And don't make any substitutions either. The older you get, the more trusting you need to be about what a chef wants to put on their burger, so trust them, fool.

The Imposter - A Recommendation

“A documentary centered on a young Frenchman who claims to a grieving Texas family that he is their 16-year-old son who has been missing for 3 years.”

— IMDB

You need to see this movie. I just watched it last night and man, it's really good. I don't really want to give away too much information, so I'll just leave it at that description above. I'd never heard of the documentary OR the story when it happened in real life, so maybe that's why I was so blown away? Or maybe it's just a really good watch. My brother Robbie told me to see it, and I was skeptical at first because, well, he likes almost every movie out there. I was going to list some of the worst ones he's liked, but realized that might be a bit rough to do since I'm really trying to commend his taste right now.

See it. Now. 

Poutine Pizza at Pizza Hut

The above is a photo of the Cheesy Beef Poutine Pizza from Pizza Hut (minus the beef and with extra fries) that I ordered at my parent's house in Mississauga, Ontario a few weeks ago. I'd been waiting a long time (two months) to finally try this bad boy. Verdict? Disappointing!  

Were my expectations high? God, yes! Was there any way that it could've been amazing? Probably not. But not because putting poutine on top of a pizza is a bad idea... moreso just because it was foolish for me to expect Pizza Hut to carefully concoct such a delicate Canadian creation.  

I was told that there would be gravy instead of pizza sauce. There was none (or none that my gentle eyes could detect). I was also told that actual Quebecois curds were being used, and not the generic Hut mozzarella. I was misinformed. 

Yes, maybe I shouldn't have made my substitutions (of the no beef and the added frie-age) , but am I not entitled to some actual deliverance of A POUTINE?! I think so. 

Honestly, the pizza wasn't terrible. I ate probably... three slices over the span of many hours. It was just dry as fuck. If anything, this whole experience has made me want to try and make my OWN version one day. You know, when I'm at a more stable point in my life and can undertake such a challenge. For now, though? I shall only express my disappointment.  

It was a courageous try, Pizza Hut. But please... you're embarrassing all Canadians by keeping that trash on your fine menu. Good day. 

(*EDIT NOTE: I just looked on their site and it's totally off the menu now. Either this blog post WORKED in the two seconds since I put it up, or the Hut really has a handle on things. Commendable.)

Bossypants By Tina Fey - A Review

I know that I'm about two years late in reviewing this, but I finally just got around to reading it only last night! I know... pathetic. Even my dad read it eons ago (though, to be fair, he's a much bigger Tina Fey fan than I am). I'm not even a busy person, so really there's no excuse for the lateness here. 

Thoughts & Parts I Loved

• Hearing the phrase "my thick virgin eyebrows" made me laugh for about three full minutes. 
•  "This is what I tell young women who ask me for career advice. People are going to try to trick you. To make you feel that you are in competition with one another. "You're up for a promotion. If they go with a woman, it'll be between you and Barbara." Don't be fooled. You're not in competition with other women. You're in competition with everyone."
• When talking about her experience on a cruise: "There are some wonderful Filipinos who fold your towels in the shape of a different animal every night. It might be an elephant wearing your sunglasses, or a duck wearing your sunglasses. It's just fun. Don't overthink it." - I can't really put into words why exactly, but the "It's just fun. Don't overthink it." part of that made me laugh a lot.
• Honestly, the whole chapter about her honeymoon on a cruise ship is just wonderfully funny, especially her description of cruise ships in general: "Luxury cruises were designed to make something unbearable - a two-week transatlantic crossing - seem bearable. There's no need to do it now. There are planes. You wouldn't take a vacation where you ride on a stagecoach for two months but there's all-you-can-eat shrimp. You wouldn't take a vacation where you have an old-timey appendectomy without anesthesia while steel drums play. You might take a vacation where you ride a camel for two days if they gave you those animal towels wearing your sunglasses."
• The line, "At a certain point your body wants to be disgusting." Ugh, just love that. 
• The chapter "Remembrances of Being Very, Very Skinny" is too great for words. The final paragraph of it especially: "We should leave people alone about their weight. Being skinny for awhile (provided you actually eat food and don't take pills or smoke to get there) is a perfectly fine pastime. Everyone should try it once, like a super-short haircut or dating a white guy."
• My favourite lines from "Remembrances of Being a Little Bit Fat" are: 1. "Even though I only liked McDonald's fries, I believe it was more nutritious to make a meal of it and have two cheeseburgers as well." 2. "If I was really ambitious, I would get a Whopper Jr. at Burger King and then walk to McDonald's to get the fries. The shake could be from anywhere."
• When talking about the ever-issue of women being funny: "I think of this whenever someone says to me, "Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny," or "Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny," or "Rick Fenderman says women aren't funny....Do you have anything to say to that?"  Yes. We don't fucking care if you like it."
• When talking about the overuse of Photoshop: "I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society...unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool."  And "Photoshop is just like makeup. When it's done well it looks great, and when it's overdone you look like a crazy asshole. Unfortunately, most people don't do it well. I find, the fancier the magazine is, the worse the Photoshop. It's as if they are already so disgusted that a human has to be in the clothes, they can't stop erasing human features."
• Her description of Amy Poehler makes me really want Amy Poehler to write a book. She seems like the coolest woman alive. 
• "Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff?" 

Just a really great book, you should definitely read it - what am I saying, I'm sure you have already since it came out a billion years ago. In that case, read it again! She's an incredible woman and I sincerely hope that she writes another one sometime soon. You can purchase it here or peruse one of your friends bookshelves, 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll find it there, too. 

Meet Joe Black

 This is my favourite Brad Pitt movie that you probably haven't seen. Why is that? God only knows. I guess it didn't do so well in theatres? I can't really remember. Maybe 'cause it's a bit long? Whatever the reason, get over it and see it. Brad Pitt's good and all, but the main attraction here is Anthony Hopkins. Now there's a real man. Something about his voice... I just love him. Especially when he loses his temper, oh my how I love that. 

What's it about? It's about a man (Anthony Hopkins) who's turning 65 (who's this billionaire/cool guy) and he is visited by Death (who has taken the form of Brad Pitt's body) . Death wants to see what the world is like, so he visits Anthony Hopkins and asks him to be his guide for awhile before Death must take him away with him. What happens? Anthony Hopkins' daughter falls in love with Death - and, oh dear, Death falls in love with her! What will happen? Ah, well you have to go watch it. I can't tell if that's the worst description of this movie ever or a really intriguing pitch to make you want to see it. Either way, I am all about this movie. Just love it. 

I was gonna livetweet watching it with my mom the other day, but only came up with the idea half way through the movie, during the sex scene. These were some of her gems:

The hashtag would have been: #meetjoeblacksexscenewithmom

“Holy! Look at his body!”

“Whoa, careful! He’s a dead guy, girl!”

“Just remember, dead people can come back and do you.”

“Dead people are very gentle, nuh?”

Maybe those aren't actually that funny, but I was losing it. She says the perfect things sometimes and I love it.

Anyway, see this movie! Go!  

(Ugh, I shouldn't have told you how long it was. That's gonna make you not want to see it. But it really doesn't feel like three hours, I swear. I got my mom to stay up until past 1:30am 'cause she was so into it and she usually starts complaining to go to bed at 11:30pm max.)

The Worst Movie of All Time

If there’s one movie that you should never ever see, that movie is 2008’s The Women. While I cannot fully explain in depth the reasons behind this recommendation, I can merely try. 

I tried watching this movie a very long time ago with a group of friends and had to excuse myself before the second half because of how violently sick it made my stomach. At first, I thought it was just something that I had eaten. So I left the living room that we were watching it in and went upstairs to lay down. I instantly felt better within twenty minutes of leaving that movie. And so, I sat up in bed (since I thought that it was just a random sickness), opened the bedroom door and just sat down for a minute. I began to hear the movie downstairs, and the sickness immediately rushed over me like a WAVE yet again. I shut the door and laid down again. This movie was making me physically ill. Why? I still can’t really place it. I’ve thought about this long and hard, and I’ve come to the conclusion that – this is the worst movie ever made. There are so many things wrong with it. It makes women seem like worthless, stupid moronic drones. And also? There are absolutely no men in this movie. Even as extras. NO MEN! Not that there’s anything wrong with that – but no, wait, there IS something wrong with that because it made me feel UNSETTLED IN MY STOMACH. I don’t WANT to see a movie exclusively full of women. It's too much. I hated it. And also, on a separate occasion, my brother Robbie and I were walking along the aisles of Blockbuster one day (I realize, this detail dates us immensely) and we came across a dvd for The Women and I instantly started to have an uneasy, bubbly feeling in my stomach again. IT WAS WEIRD. Even he was all, “This is messed up.” So I had to leave and wait in the parking lot for him. I honestly wish I could explain this phenomenon more, but that would mean watching it AGAIN and figuring it out more deeply, but you know that I can’t do that. I just… I can’t. Everything made me angry about it. Please never see this movie. 

The Heat - A Short Review

I really didn't think I was gonna like this movie. Not for any good reason really, just the dumb reasoning that I don't think I like any Sandra Bullock movies, never have. I try not to talk about that a lot infront of others 'cause not many people seem to agree with me (one of whom is my father and is convinced that Miss Congeniality is the hidden gem of the year 2000). But this is probably my first (and truthfully? Probably the last...) Sandra Bullock movie that's actually pretty great. But I don't want to dwell on her presence in it right now 'cause this was actually a pretty good time. I doubt I'd see it again, but it was definitely enjoyable. 

Honestly, Melissa McCarthy is perfect and so good and smart at everything. It makes me kind of mad that she wasted seven years in a completely uncomedic role on Gilmore Girls (and I kind of liked Gilmore Girls! So that's saying something.)  Woman's fantastic. And everyone loves her. What's that? You don't love her? Not possible. She's delightful! Infact, I don't think I want you in here. Get outta here, dummy. 

Thoughts During The Movie

• OH MY GOD! BIFF!
• Can't really remember what the context was, but if you remember the scene where Sandra Bullock is in Melissa McCarthy's apartment and she says something about there not being any "poached eggs and rubies" - Man... I fucking lost my mind at that line, so funny.

Okay, so it turns out that those are my only real thoughts. There really were just a billion Melissa lines that were so fucking good and funny that I really couldn't keep up and write them all down for you to see, she's the main reason you should see this movie. 

Conclusion? I will definitely make fun of Gilmore Girls with you if you want me to. Just 'cause I've seen the entire series does not mean I'm not aware of how bad it was.  

Essence Sun Club 100% Splash-Proof Eyeliner Pen

This is the only eyeliner I use anymore. I found it in a Dollarama in Canada eons ago and have been using it ever since. I literally never fuck up my eyes when I use this pen. I've been told that you can find them in some Shoppers Drug Marts as well, but definitely look for them in any dollar store 'cause, obviously, they're way cheaper there. 

I used to only use this eyeliner in the summer, since it's really great in hot weather and it doesn't come off as you sweat (it's gross to imagine my eyelids sweating, but let it be known that it does infact happen) - but now I just use it year-round since I've come to love it so. I like the ultra black one, since, well, who the hell uses brown eyeliner? Weirdos, that's who.