“Don’t watch the Oscars. Don’t do it.”

— #lizadvice

Fury of the Day - The Academy Awards

It hards to pinpoint exactly why I hate the Academy Awards, but here are a few of the major reasons why I do and why you should, too.

• The red carpet. I get it - people look great, so let's look at them. And good for them! But that's not what this carpet is for - if you've ever actually sat through this awful "pre-show" with a group of people, you are definitely going to hear the likes of, "Fuck, she looks horrible. Look at that hair! That's disgusting," amongst the people you're watching with. Why is this? I don't know, we're all especially mean to people we don't know who have fame and money? And we think we have the RIGHT to criticize these people? That's what I assume, anyway. Which is obviously fucked up.
• The "interviewers" on the red carpet. I hate these people because they're asking questions that absolutely no one gives a fuck about. "Who are you wearing?" Is it just me or does the answer to that question affect me IN NO FUCKING WAY WHATSOEVER? The questions, the answers - I hate them all. And I know that some people watch these "interviews" to see if so-and-so is going to be likable  or a dick, so we can all talk about it later. But the thing is - WE DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. STOP ACTING LIKE WE SHOULD CARE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE AS HUMANS FOR THE THIRTY SECONDS WE'RE SEEING THEM SPEAK. 
• If a certain movie wins, does that make it a better movie? No, of course not. We know this fact already. But the thing is - WE SHOULDN'T CARE WHAT WINS AND WHAT DOESN'T. I think it's pretty clear that we all have pretty differing tastes and so maybe it isn't a crazy idea to each seek out and find our own "best picture" on our own terms. And a small side note: if you only see a movie because it won some award? Go fuck yourself. You're such a huge part of this problem, I have nothing to say to you. 
• Acting doesn't deserve awards. I'm not sorry. It just doesn't. Seeing some great performance doesn't have the ability to wow me for days, maybe that's just me. Even if it did, do these actors deserve this ridiculously lofty, self-centered treatment for the rest of my goddam life? I don't get why we're supposed to pretend as if these people are changing all of our lives. It's art, I get it. But how the hell did acting get so far above any other kind of expressive art?
• The "speeches". I put that in quotations because these are not speeches anymore. I don't know if they ever were, to be honest. These are now thank you acknowledgments. If you look up what the fucking word 'speech' means - it's a goddam "spoken expression of ideas and opinions." If you manage to win an award and go up to that podium, granted, other people helped you get there. But the other fucking billion percent of people who are watching you up there don't really give a fuck about those thanked people. It would make so much more sense to say something that would maybe, I don't know, inspire the tons of people giving you their attention at that moment in time? Or say something that shows how happy you are! Share something insightful to help express your gratitude! Say SOMETHING that makes you human for a minute and that can be shared amongst your "fans" and audience. And what I really don't get? These people who love watching the Oscars - aren't they pissed with all the thanking they have to hear? Do they ENJOY this part?! What the fuck are they getting out of this?! WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THIS SO INTENTLY?! 
• The length of the whole thing. I've said this before,and I'll say it again. This entire awards ceremony feels like thousands of rich, entitled, (dominantly) white people jacking each other off continuously for about four hours intercut with commercial breaks for us to casually bask in their supreme greatness - and we, the viewers, are all supposed to lovingly froth at the mouth and collectively watch every fucking second of it, and then talk about it endlessly the next day to one another. WHAT IS HAPPENING?! HOW IS THIS THE WORLD?!
• The fact that these shit shows are televised is the part that makes me over-the-top mad. If they weren't broadcasted to us at all? Who knows how I might feel in that case. 

And I'm only singling out the Academy Awards because they're happening this weekend - ALL awards shows for television/movies/music are equally terrible. I only wish that they would stop airing them for us to see. All of these shows are wasting our time and their time so equally. Please stop watching, you're better than that.

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) By Mindy Kaling - Review

Loved it. Duh. 

That really could be my complete analysis of this engaging and lovely-as-fuck little book. No, “little book” sounds condescending. And I won’t (errr, I’ll try not to) taint this post with any sort of hidden envy that is seething through my bones after reading such an extraordinary first book by this woman. (I say “first” book because honestly, if there aren’t more to come in the future, then she’s harming us all. Yes, harming.)

Observations While Reading

• Apparently, I laugh out loud while reading now. New. 
• If I ever meet this woman, I will forcibly make her talk to me about what specific lyrics from Joni Mitchell’s Blue album she loved and why. And I will then discuss mine because that album is magic.
• She mentioned the movie A Fish Called Wanda somewhere (in a very non-important way), and I made a note to watch it because I feel like people were constantly talking about that movie at some point in my life and I’d never seen it. Anyway, just watched it last night. No idea how Kevin Kline won that Oscar. Suck-fest.
• Her chapter about specific, odd things that make her cry? God. I loved reading that almost too much. I want to make a whole book devoted to those things. Infact, that might be an idea.

Here are a few of my favorite parts:

I don’t think it should be socially acceptable for people to say they’re “bad with names.” No one is bad with names. That is not a real thing. Not knowing people’s names isn’t a neurological condition; it’s a choice. You choose not to make learning people’s names a priority. It’s like saying, “Hey, a disclaimer about me: I’m rude.” For heaven’s sake, if you don’t know someone’s name, just pretend you do. Do that thing everyone does, where you vaguely say, “Nice to see you!” and make weak eye contact. 

Without knowing me at all, Gail nicknamed me Minz. I respond very well to people being overly familiar with me a little too soon. It shows effort and kindness. I try to do this all the time. It makes me feel part of a big, familial, Olive Garden-y community.

A note about me: I do not think stress is a legitimate topic of conversation, in public anyway. No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn’t conversation. It’ll never lead anywhere. No one is going to say, “Wow, Mindy, you really have it especially bad. I have heard some stories of stress, but this just takes the cake.”

Why didn’t you talk about whether women are funny or not?

I just felt that by commenting on that in any real way, it would be tacit approval of it as a legitimate debate, which it isn’t. It would be the same as addressing the issue of “Should dogs and cats be able to care for our children? They’re in the house anyway.” I try not to make it a habit to seriously discuss nonsensical hot-button issues.

That last one is my very favorite. Anyway, such a great book. Please read it. I never read (well, rarely) and I read this in a day and just loved it. You can buy it here. 

(Ugh, I wish I didn’t tell you I never read. Fuck, that was stupid. I’m actually trying to make more time for it. It’s just hard sometimes ‘cause of, like, the internet fucking up my time.)