I’ve always loved Elvira (that should be obvious based on my entire personality), so I was elated when I found out she’d be writing a memoir. It’s as juicy and entertaining as I’d hoped it would be and so much more. This woman has had an insane life. Highlights below.
“My dad soon landed a job at Sears selling Kenmore appliances, so every shred of clothing on our backs came from Sears from then on. (Which explains why, to this day, I have no fashion sense.)” - I can’t explain why, but I absolutely love a woman saying that about herself. I don’t think it’s even true in this case, but I love hearing that she thinks that and doesn’t care. She couldn’t be cooler.
“Halloween took over as my new favorite holiday. As our ex-first lady so eloquently put it, “Who gives a fuck about Christmas?”” - hahahahahah
This isn’t really notable but Lorne Michaels was such a complete dick to her, I wonder what the story is there.
Jimmy Page and Eric Burdon are both gross, awful men for what they did to her when she was only a child. And in that same vein, Wilt Chamberlain sexually assaulted her in the most disgusting way that’s difficult to read about, but also so wildly brave of her to speak of it.
Christ, she has had so many cool things happen to her, a short list:
She was a teenage showgirl in Las Vegas
She spit in Frank Sinatra’s hat
She was in a Bond movie
She passed on casting Brad Pitt and Hilary Swank in parts before they were famous
Drank in a limo with Ray Bradbury
Been to Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Christmas parties
She mailed letters back and forth with Vincent Price
Michael Jackson said that he loved her and that she should’ve done the voiceover in Thriller
She got to shoot a scene at the original Psycho house
Elvis told her to leave Las Vegas before it was too late
Was a tour guide to Goldie Hawn
Went on a double date with Arnold Schwarzenegger
Offered coke from Liza Minnelli
Had sex with Tom Jones, Jon Voight, Robert De Niro and almost Jimi Hendrix
I’ve never read a memoir that was juicier than this one. And all that stuff aside, she’s just had this incredible, full life in show business. It’s weird that the only thing I heard about this book after it was initially released was about how she’s now in a relationship with a woman, that was always mentioned in the headline of every single review. Yes, that’s in the book (in the last two chapters) but it’s such a footnote compared to every other part of the memoir. Seems a little annoying that people would focus in on that aspect alone, since there are so many more things to focus on. Even if you’re not very familiar with her work, this is such a great read.
Your Cruelly, Elvira Memoirs of the Mistress of the Dark is available over here.