Yours Cruelly, Elvira Memoirs of the Mistress of the Dark by Cassandra Peterson - A Review

I’ve always loved Elvira (that should be obvious based on my entire personality), so I was elated when I found out she’d be writing a memoir. It’s as juicy and entertaining as I’d hoped it would be and so much more. This woman has had an insane life. Highlights below.

• “My dad soon landed a job at Sears selling Kenmore appliances, so every shred of clothing on our backs came from Sears from then on. (Which explains why, to this day, I have no fashion sense.)” - I can’t explain why, but I absolutely love a woman saying that about herself. I don’t think it’s even true in this case, but I love hearing that she thinks that and doesn’t care. She couldn’t be cooler.

• “Halloween took over as my new favorite holiday. As our ex-first lady so eloquently put it, “Who gives a fuck about Christmas?”” - hahahahahah

• This isn’t really notable but Lorne Michaels was such a complete dick to her, I wonder what the story is there.

• Jimmy Page and Eric Burdon are both gross, awful men for what they did to her when she was only a child. And in that same vein, Wilt Chamberlain sexually assaulted her in the most disgusting way that’s difficult to read about, but also so wildly brave of her to speak of it.

• Christ, she has had so many cool things happen to her, a short list:

  • She was a teenage showgirl in Las Vegas

  • She spit in Frank Sinatra’s hat

  • She was in a Bond movie

  • She passed on casting Brad Pitt and Hilary Swank in parts before they were famous

  • Drank in a limo with Ray Bradbury

  • Been to Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Christmas parties

  • She mailed letters back and forth with Vincent Price

  • Michael Jackson said that he loved her and that she should’ve done the voiceover in Thriller

  • She got to shoot a scene at the original Psycho house

  • Elvis told her to leave Las Vegas before it was too late

  • Was a tour guide to Goldie Hawn

  • Went on a double date with Arnold Schwarzenegger

  • Offered coke from Liza Minnelli

  • Had sex with Tom Jones, Jon Voight, Robert De Niro and almost Jimi Hendrix

I’ve never read a memoir that was juicier than this one. And all that stuff aside, she’s just had this incredible, full life in show business. It’s weird that the only thing I heard about this book after it was initially released was about how she’s now in a relationship with a woman, that was always mentioned in the headline of every single review. Yes, that’s in the book (in the last two chapters) but it’s such a footnote compared to every other part of the memoir. Seems a little annoying that people would focus in on that aspect alone, since there are so many more things to focus on. Even if you’re not very familiar with her work, this is such a great read.

Your Cruelly, Elvira Memoirs of the Mistress of the Dark is available over here.

Fahrenheit 451 By Ray Bradbury - A Review

I kind of wish they wouldn't force you to read great books in high school. There's so much else going on in a teenager's mind, and nine times out of ten - kids that age won't remember and/or appreciate whatever they're told to read. Am I wrong?

This is the only book I remember actually enjoying. And to be honest, I watched the movie first because of course I did. You don't earn a 62 in grade nine English by reading the book. My point here? I really liked the story, which made me want to re-read it now. Here are the best parts.

• "We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at least one which makes the heart run over."
• "Time has fallen asleep in the afternoon sunshine."
• "In the morning he would not have needed sleep, for all the warm odors and sights of a complete country night would have rested and slept him while his eyes were wide and his mouth, when he thought to test it, was half a smile."
• "Don't ask for guarantees. And don't look to be saved in any one thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing that you were headed for shore."
• And this drawing, good god look at this beautiful drawing.

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Okay, maybe I take it back. It's good to force this kind of stuff on kids. How else would they want to re-discover it later and enjoy it even more? I wish I could remember if I liked it as much back then as I do now. I also wish I understood One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest better. People in my class seemed to love that book so much and I just sat there like a moron thinking, "What the fuck is going on?"