Okay, I know that cover doesn't make it look good, but IT'S SO GOOD. And it was published in 1989, so maybe that's why it looks so unappealing to your modern and futuristically 2013 eyes. I can't remember the reason why I wanted to read this in the first place - I'd imagine it was because I've always liked Roseanne. I just saw She-Devil for the first time the other day and she's great in that, too. Hell, she's great in everything.

The Best Parts

Describing the first time she saw a man's penis: "I thought his guts fell out of his vagina."
"I think men like to pretend that they are not wholly dependent on women. Women like to pretend that they are dependent on men. And there you have it, folks, the Rosie Barr view of the BATTLES OF THE SEXES."
"Mormon people are very easy to convince, because they see Satan everywhere; as I know now, Satan for them is a euphemism for "thought.""
"Comedy, he told me, is funniest when it's about speaking up for the little man or killing sacred cows."
The whole chapter on her love for Woody Allen is just great.
I don't know why I loved this next part so much, probably because of her description of it. It's about how she would devour (a then desirable man) Mel Gibson: "Not only would I eat Mel Gibson, in the literal and figurative sense, I would consume him, I would inhale him, rolling him around my tongue like a fine Rothschild, swallowing slowly, savoring the essence, gnawing it and slobbering with great masticating noises. Yeah, that's just what I would do."
"The problem with drugs, as I have always believed, is that if you take them, you will believe that you are on them, and that is a great excuse to erase your own responsibility, culpability, ability and life."
When she talks about hitchhiking and traveling around: "You are the one who is in control, because you are moving, moving powerfully fast, even though you are sitting almost absolutely, and trancelike still. In a way, in this way, you are transcending the world itself."
When she's describing giving birth: "I am screaming for it to get out of me as if I am conducting an exorcism and my brain, I can see my brain crumbling like blue cheese, pieces falling out and falling off." - I just loved the crumbling like blue cheese description so much for some reason.
And her entire chapter about how awful women's magazines are? You know I loved all of that. "Part of the reason women are so confused these days is due to horrid grotesque "women's magazines" and the type of mind-numbing bullshit they pour out on us month after hideous month. I just know they're a political conspiracy to keep women off base so we won't demand the arms race stopped and the money it uses be spent more productively."

Definitely read the book if you're into this woman at all. You can buy it for practically nothing on Amazon. Woman's great.

Part two? Has to be Roseanne. Other than having one of the sexiest opening theme songs of all time, Roseanne was obviously in the top three of sitcoms with the best Halloween episodes. These were the episodes that got me into the show in general and they're still great to this day. (The worst one is probably season nine, stay away from nine!) But all the others? Gold.

You can watch all the Halloween episodes on YouTube - the links are conveniently located for you below.

Season Two - BOO!

Season Three - Trick Or Treat

Season Four - Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down

Season Five - Halloween IV

Season Six - Halloween V

Season Seven - Skeleton in the Closet

Season Eight - Halloween: the Final Chapter

Season Nine - Satan, Darling

Or if you love these episodes a lot, you should really buy this DVD I just got for $5 that contains all of the Halloween episodes.

If you're interested in reading Part One of this series, please go on over here.

Roseanne "Stash From The Past" Episode

Roseanne's My Life as a Woman - A Review

Part Two - Roseanne Halloween Episodes