Fake Eyelashes

by Liz Heather in ,

Lady: "Your eyelashes are so long."

Me: "Oh, they're completely fake."

Lady: "Really? But they look good!"

Me: "Aren't you a peach, thank you!"

Lady: "I can never put them on correctly! But I really wish I could."

This conversation happens with me at least once a week. Now... other than me boasting about when people say nice things to me, this post does have a point. If you are a woman who has ever wanted longer lashes, buying fake (and relatively cheap) ones are the way to go. Why?

1. Having fancy eyelash extensions put on are 100% bullshit. I've had them done (probably about ten different times). Usually through a Groupon deal of some sort, and every time I do them I think, "No. THIS time will be a good experience." And that's never the case. Mostly because they're never as dramatic as I want them to be. And I don't mean dramatic like Kim Kardashian's fake ones, but dramatic like how lashes look in mascara commercials (Sidenote: I've never owned a mascara that does what the commercial says it does. No company has some revolutionary strategy that'll give you wicked lashes. This is a fable that has been told to young girls everywhere and needs to be stopped. ) The extensions say that they last for three to four weeks - which is not true if you ever, you know, wash your face. Now... I don't even wash my face that much (which is not actually that gross, I just don't think my face benefits from cleansing) and it's always still a hassle. They usually look good for about two days and you feel amazing, but for $50+ I need them to be amazing for way longer than that. Anyway, I hate them now. Don't do it.

2. If you fucking PRACTICE putting fake lashes on, then you will become amazing at it. As with anything in life, really. It literally took me over twenty times to perfect it. Now I'm a pro. And really, if there's anything that you don't know how to do - well, fucking keep at it until you get it. 'Cause I gotta tell you, the reaction I get 'cause of these lashes is excessively pleasant. I'm gonna say that 80% of people just linger there when they look at your face. And you want to look at yourself in mirrors constantly - just an unhealthy amount. It's great. Oh! And one tip: make sure to cut the lash strips a bit so that they don't irritate your eyes or hang off the ends in an unattractive manner. 

Unfortunately, not every woman is blessed with beautiful, flowing lashes. But when it's so easy to fake, it's ridiculous not to try this out (if you are infact intrigued by the idea having longer ones). 

All eyes are creepy up close, but mine especially are - sorry about that.

All eyes are creepy up close, but mine especially are - sorry about that.

The lash glue that I use is Revlon's Precision Lash Adhesive and goes for about $5 at any drugstore, and looks like this: 


And does it matter if people can tell they're fake? Not to me. If I think I look good, then I'm gonna go with that. I've had about 70% more sex when I chose to wear false ones on any particular night, so I must be doing something right. 

Edit note: Where do I get all of the percentages listed above? Well, that's an intrusive question. Let's just assume that they've been researched and analyzed extensively. Good day.