You know why you’re going to watch this? ‘Cause it’s less than a minute. (I get you. I am you.)
If you take part in only one self-servicing, luxurious act this week/month/year/what-have-you, then please arrange to have this facial.
I have taken part in a lifetime total of three facials in my twenty-eight years, and this last one makes me want to re-adjust all of my current priorities. The fact that it's a ninety-minute facial was the first thing I loved about it since, well, that's a long time. And when things take a long time, they're usually worth doing. And in that time, some crazy peels, masks and other unworldly things took place. What "unworldly" thing am I talking about? Um, I don't know - THE EXTRACTIONS! Do you, simple human, know what that means? Because, at the time, I did not. And it soon became my favourite part.
(Imagine there were photos here of my extractions being done? I don't know if you and me are quite there yet, but just know that I was thinking about it. Would've been gross and beautiful somehow at the same, I think.)
Anyway, it was best part of the facial. A trained professional? Handling my pimps? In a neat-ass way with high-tech equipment? UM, that's amazing. The whole experience was phenomenal and I will definitely go back for another.
My brother Gary often says that I give everything a good review. He has compared it to when Homer becomes a food critic.
Really. And I was honestly not expecting this good a time. It totally won me over mid-way through. At intermission, I was all, "Yeah, I get it. It's okay." And then the second act happened and suddenly my face was no longer part of my body - because it was blown away.
Did I like the movie Rocky? I did, it's a great movie. Am I crazy in love with that movie? No. I have other loves. And that's fine, calm down. My point is that you can still love this production. And if you see it and don't love it? That's... weird. I'll have no idea how to carry on a conversation with you because it was fantastic and should be enjoyed by everyone who sees it.
The sets were better than any I've ever seen on any stage - and maybe that seems abnormal to note, but you'll understand that more if you get a look at them. They're impeccable. The music? Meh. The music really wasn't anything special. And honestly, the fact that the songs weren't great and yet I still had a fun time should speak volumes. Definitely go see this. There are things I want to tell you specifically about why it was so originally well done, but if you're actually considering seeing it then I don't want to be the one to ruin certain cool things that happen when watching. It was such a great time. Go.
You can purchase tickets here.
This is the first quiche I've ever made. And if that doesn't impress you - well, that sucks, 'cause I'm trying really hard here to be a fully functioning, adult woman who can try new things and then be overly praised for my efforts. I don't think that's asking for much.
THIS is what I attempted to make. And this is what it was supposed to look like:
Here is what my version looked like:
Obviously my photos are nowhere-near-as-nice (keep in mind that I don't have any fancy lighting to help make it look as delicious as it was), but this was a crazy good quiche. It's a shockingly easy thing to make. I suspect more people don't make them because of the intimidating name that's attached. The word quiche comes from the word Küeche that means cake. And cake should never be intimidating, guys.
Here is my modified recipe that I tried and loved:
1 cup fat-free cottage cheese
2 cups (16 oz) egg white substitute, liquid
1/2 cup broccoli, cooked (in a pan with olive oil), chopped
1/2 cup reduced-fat, shredded cheddar cheese
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
Nonstick cooking spray
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Mix all ingredients in a large mixing bowl.
Spray 9 1/2 inch pie dish (all I could find were disposable 8 1/2 inch ones at the grocery stores, still worked) with cooking spray and pour ingredients in.
Bake for approximately 45 minutes or until center is just set.
(Sidenote: One day I will own beautiful plates and a gorgeous stovetop. I promise.)
Okay, I realize I'm talking about an episode of a show that aired ten months ago, I REALIZE THIS. I'm bringing it up now, though, because I have continuously thought about this one particular moment from it off and on for the past ten months (which is definitely abnormal, but still shareable information).
If you have Netflix, please just watch it on there. The quality is better and possibly more tear-inducing? The moment I'm referring to is from season nine of the American version of The Office, episode twenty-one ('Livin' The Dream') at thirty-three minutes into the episode. Even if you've never seen the show or even liked it or had ANY opinion on any sitcom ever made in the history of television - if this rendition of this song doesn't move you... I'm afraid you're dead inside. And I feel intense sorrow for you not being able to experience just how crazy nice this performance is. Even sober, I get teary just listening to it. Is it his voice? Is it the McLaugh? I DON'T KNOW. And I don't want to know. Beauty like this doesn't need to have an explanation.
If you don't have Netflix, I've attached it below (this version is actually pretty sweet) for you to see. Ed Helms, your voice is nuts and I want to marry you just so you'll sing to me at our wedding.
It hards to pinpoint exactly why I hate the Academy Awards, but here are a few of the major reasons why I do and why you should, too.
- The red carpet. I get it - people look great, so let's look at them. And good for them! But that's not what this carpet is for - if you've ever actually sat through this awful "pre-show" with a group of people, you are definitely going to hear the likes of, "Fuck, she looks horrible. Look at that hair! That's disgusting," amongst the people you're watching with. Why is this? I don't know, we're all especially mean to people we don't know who have fame and money? And we think we have the RIGHT to criticize these people? That's what I assume, anyway. Which is obviously fucked up.
- The "interviewers" on the red carpet. I hate these people because they're asking questions that absolutely no one gives a fuck about. "Who are you wearing?" Is it just me or does the answer to that question affect me IN NO FUCKING WAY WHATSOEVER? The questions, the answers - I hate them all. And I know that some people watch these "interviews" to see if so-and-so is going to be likable or a dick, so we can all talk about it later. But the thing is - WE DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. STOP ACTING LIKE WE SHOULD CARE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE AS HUMANS FOR THE THIRTY SECONDS WE'RE SEEING THEM SPEAK.
- If a certain movie wins, does that make it a better movie? No, of course not. We know this fact already. But the thing is - WE SHOULDN'T CARE WHAT WINS AND WHAT DOESN'T. I think it's pretty clear that we all have pretty differing tastes and so maybe it isn't a crazy idea to each seek out and find our own "best picture" on our own terms. And a small side note: if you only see a movie because it won some award? Go fuck yourself. You're such a huge part of this problem, I have nothing to say to you.
- Acting doesn't deserve awards. I'm not sorry. It just doesn't. Seeing some great performance doesn't have the ability to wow me for days, maybe that's just me. Even if it did, do these actors deserve this ridiculously lofty, self-centered treatment for the rest of my goddam life? I don't get why we're supposed to pretend as if these people are changing all of our lives. It's art, I get it. But how the hell did acting get so far above any other kind of expressive art?
- The "speeches". I put that in quotations because these are not speeches anymore. I don't know if they ever were, to be honest. These are now thank you acknowledgments. If you look up what the fucking word 'speech' means - it's a goddam "spoken expression of ideas and opinions." If you manage to win an award and go up to that podium, granted, other people helped you get there. But the other fucking billion percent of people who are watching you up there don't really give a fuck about those thanked people. It would make so much more sense to say something that would maybe, I don't know, inspire the tons of people giving you their attention at that moment in time? Or say something that shows how happy you are! Share something insightful to help express your gratitude! Say SOMETHING that makes you human for a minute and that can be shared amongst your "fans" and audience. And what I really don't get? These people who love watching the Oscars - aren't they pissed with all the thanking they have to hear? Do they ENJOY this part?! What the fuck are they getting out of this?! WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THIS SO INTENTLY?!
- The length of the whole thing. I've said this before,and I'll say it again. This entire awards ceremony feels like thousands of rich, entitled, (dominantly) white people jacking each other off continuously for about four hours intercut with commercial breaks for us to casually bask in their supreme greatness - and we, the viewers, are all supposed to lovingly froth at the mouth and collectively watch every fucking second of it, and then talk about it endlessly the next day to one another. WHAT IS HAPPENING?! HOW IS THIS THE WORLD?!
- The fact that these shit shows are televised is the part that makes me over-the-top mad. If they weren't broadcasted to us at all? Who knows how I might feel in that case.
And I'm only singling out the Academy Awards because they're happening this weekend - ALL awards shows for television/movies/music are equally terrible. I only wish that they would stop airing them for us to see. All of these shows are wasting our time and their time so equally. Please stop watching, you're better than that.