The Hot Chocolate at City Bakery

by Liz Heather in

All I can say about the hot chocolate at City Bakery is this:

It's one of the most horrendous drinks you'll ever have the displeasure of putting into your body. The taste will linger within you for hours. Even if you get the small!

If you're wondering why I'm narrowing in on such a seemingly insignificant seasonal item in such a large city, well, you obviously haven't had to listen to the masses upon masses declare this concoction as the "city's greatest hot chocolate." I've heard that statement for years now and finally tried it for myself yesterday. Here are the reasons it ruined my day.

  1. A small sized cup costs $5. That's five American dollars. (And if you wanted a housemade marshmallow* - that would be an extra $2.) 

    *A housemade marshmallow? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not six. I will never want that. And if you're an adult who wants a housemade marshmallow? You need to reassess your entire life. You either have too much money and/or questionable eating habits. Either way, figure it out.

  2. I literally drank 1/4 of the whole cup and felt sick to my stomach. And I didn't even gulp it down! Drinking that 1/4 took me twenty minutes! I had to take breaks! Breaks that, ultimately, made me angrier and angrier that I'd wasted good money on this agony.
  3. What's so terrible tasting about it? IT'S LIQUID FUCKING CHOCOLATE. It tastes as though there's no water or milk or anything in that cup! It's 150% sweetness. And not the good kind of sweetness. Listen, I love chocolate. It's my second favourite thing to eat. But this was unholy - and not the good kind of unholy.
  4. I was thinking about who would possibly enjoy this drink - and came up with the answer that it would have to be children. Children make terrible decisions, food-wise. It must solely be for them. But then I thought that no child could afford $5 for a mere beverage. Maybe an NYC-raised child, sure, but that's another issue of its own. So does this drink only exist for parent-tourists who'll pay anything for something their kid wants? It has to. And if that's the case? Fuck you, City Bakery. That's garbage. I'm never a fan of gouging tourists.
  5. Look, I know I hate this drink. And I know it's too expensive. And I know I threw it out when it was 3/4 full. But LOOK at how small it actually is. (See below). For that kind of money, shouldn't I get something a little more human sized?! Yes, I know I'm complaining that they shouldn't be selling them at all, but since they are - can they get a little more decent with the cup size? C'mon! 

Liquid hell, size small

Please never try this hot chocolate for two reasons: 1) If you try it and hate it, you'll regret losing that $5 and 2) If you try it and love it, there are way deeper issues going on inside of you that need to be addressed and treated.

(And if you didn't know my first favourite thing to eat is fries - well, that's disappointing 'cause you should know me by now. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense to bash a hot chocolate and then boast about the beauty of french fries, but I'm a complex woman.)