The Dark Knight Rises

by Liz Heather in ,

The following post will only be enjoyed/hated by people who saw the movie. If you haven’t seen it/don’t care? Oh, go take a look at Like Cool or something - that site’s great. 

Okay, it came out six months ago. I realize that. But this vessel/tumblr hadn’t existed in that time and space, so it’s gotta get said now before my angst dies down over time. (Edit Note: six months passing HAS NOT LESSENED MY RAGE.)

That movie? What a piece of trash. I really, really didn’t like it. And that erroneously sucked ‘cause I was really, really excited as I’m sure most people were. Main reasons?

  • I couldn’t understand 75% of what Bane said.
  • The fact that Marion Cotillard was that dude’s daughter?! UGH. My boyfriend Nathan said it best when he compared that part to something CUT from SCREAM 4. Just one too many stupid twists. Also, no one cares. 
  • WAY too long and didn’t need to be (that storyline of one of the police guys (in the white shirt) who stays at home with his wife instead of going out with the force? And then he ends up dead?! NO POINT TO THIS STORYLINE WHATSOEVER). So much unnecessary stuff could’ve been cut. 
  • Catwoman having NO DEPTH AS A CHARACTER AT ALL. Seriously, just ridiculously one-dimensional. And what ticks me off the most about this is the fact that Gloria Steinem had such wonderful things to say (see here to see what) about her character (and maybe she would’ve said anything kind since Christian Bale’s her stepson, not sure) and how she was such a good woman character — SHE WAS NOT! IT ENRAGES ME THAT PEOPLE WILL LISTEN TO HER! But they will, ‘cause she’s Gloria fucking Steinem and every (almost) feminist in the world looks to her for her opinions on this kind of junk. (Sidenote: I don’t even hate her, she’s so smart about some stuff, but GOD. We can’t all be smart about everything).
  • I’m sorry, but Bane isn’t a great character. Maybe in the comic book, but not in this movie. Especially when the whole movie is based around him and then suddenly at the end, well that’s over with, and you find out that it really was about fucking MARION COTILLARD! …Okay, maybe it seems like I’m just hating on women. And I am. But not JUST them. 
  • The part with the millions of zoom-in shots of that goddam timeclock on the bomb at the end? Are we serious here? This isn’t a joke? It’s almost a funny SIMPSONS joke to have that many pans/shots of a bomb’s clock back and forth constantly since THIS IS 2013 AND MOVIES HAVE BEEN DOING THAT FOR AGES and it’s almost satire at this point. But especially to do that in this movie? This movie is SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD, for christsake. 
  • Batman magically gets back to Gotham in time when he leaves that pit? With no money? Or a plane? ALL right then. 
  • AND he doesn’t get blown to pieces when he flies that bomb away?! Ohhh ok. Got it.
  • HE SHOULD’VE DIED! That would’ve at least made an amazing ending for the Nolan trilogy.

So terrible. (As the tiniest sidenote, for sure a few things made me laugh… but that’s so small in comparison to it all.)

Also, Alfred was the best character. And if the fucking BUTLER is the best character in a movie? Go to hell. That’s bullshit. 

There are tons of other things I thought that were bad but a lot of them got blurred after the crazy awfulness of what happened in Aurora. But mostly, I know… everyone was just so pumped ‘cause of the last movie and there was never any way this could compare, I get that. And I get that it’s a goddam superhero movie and maybe I should’ve been able to suspend my belief more? But no, saying that is bullshit. If you’re disagreeing with me right now and going, “But, Liz, it’s a superhero movie. Calm down.” You go to hell, ‘cause that’s ridiculous. At the end of it all, it’s still a Christopher Nolan movie and so, it’s all right to expect it TO BE WATCHABLE/GOOD because that man is fantastic at what he does (typically speaking).