Epic - A Review

I just saw Epic with my seven year old niece, Layla. Here are some thoughts.

Thoughts After Seeing The Trailer

• Did that girl’s dad shrink her down ‘cause he’s a scientist? 'Cause Honey, I Shrunk The Kids is a classic and if kids today haven't seen that movie... well, that's a damn shame and I blame the parents.
• Wait, is Beyonce’s character white, just with a wicked tan? 
• I will forever love red haired main characters. No reason for that - really, no reason! I just like it so much more than plain Jane brown haired ones or too bright blondes. Animated red hair just makes my eyes smile.  
• Fuck, this is the second Owl City song I like. If there's a third, that's gonna be rough to deal with.
  
• The line: “Just because you haven’t seen something doesn’t mean it’s not there” – already been used, buds. The Santa Clause. With the incomparable Tim Allen. 

Thoughts After Seeing The Movie

• Everyone, young and old, likes Aziz Ansari.
• Happy to realize that the dad didn't infact shrink her down. What did cause that? Beyonce's magic. Okay, cool. 
• Kids really like to have conversations with you during movies. And I think I really like it. Just 'cause, like, they're not trying to be dicks or anything - they just have thoughts they needa get out, so they use their normal speaking voice to let you hear them. Lotta respect for that.
• Amanda Seyfried sounds identical to Zooey Deschanel at times.   
• Okay, maybe I'm way out of line here, but I feel like the people over at Blue Sky Studios really wanted me to come out of the theatre with an overwhelming urge to serve my country. The whole movie reminded me of that Simpsons episode where Bart joins a boy band that secretly is trying to enlist kids to join the Navy. In Epic, the whole leaf men storyline of them being protectors of the forest? And how no one is alone if there's someone fighting next to them? Are we kidding here? Just a theory, but come on. It was weird. 

All in all, not the worst, and not the best. Layla enjoyed it, so that's all I need at this point. And I had no choice but to see it in 3D. Still no love for that "feature", but that's a whole other topic. Carry on with your day. Thanks for reading.

(Sidenote: I will sincerely and dearly love Mr. Tim Allen probably for the remainder of my days. Man’s dynamite.)

Frances Ha - (Not Really) A Review

Not sure I can call this a review since all I really want to say is: GO SEE IT!  

It's really good! And I was in a terrible mood before having seen it, too! So that's gotta mean something if it was able to pull me out of my misery. It was charming and so well written, please go see it.  

Edit note: From now on, I will not call eager suggestions "reviews" in the future. 

The Greatly Disappointing Gatsby - A Review

I didn’t hate The Great Gatsby. And I know that a lot of my reviews tend to get really angry really quickly, so I'm not gonna go crazy over-analyzing this one. But here are some things that bothered me:

• No way you can play a 32 year old anymore, Leo. No way. 

• Tobey Maguire. Yeah, just his essence bothered me. How has he lasted as an actor? He has one face! You know the face! This face! 

And that's it! There are no other expressions! I don’t understand why people keep putting him in movies. He’s like a houseplant or something – just someone who sort of hangs out near other stuff happening. 

• There were lots of really corny parts, especially that first "reveal" of Leonardo DiCaprio’s face at the party.

• Hated the way lines from the novel were plastered across the screen. Hated that so much.  

• Also, in almost all of their scenes together, I kept thinking that Gatsby and Nick Carraway were about point three seconds away from some hardcore making out. Which would've be great. Just the tension of it all was way too overacted and weird.  

• TOO. LONG. 

And yeah, the clothing and set design were great. But that's it. I heard some teenage girls leaving the theatre afterward and they loved it. So maybe this just wasn’t a movie that I was supposed to enjoy? That’s probably it. 

Anyway, suckfest.

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Pink Ribbons, Inc. - A Review

My boyfriend is the one who told me that I needed to watch this - and to be honest, I didn’t really get why he was insisting repeatedly. I know that he watches a lot of documentaries, but I thought, “Ugh. That sounds just… boring,” as awful as that statement is to admit. I didn’t feel like sitting through an hour and a half of hearing just how terrible breast cancer really is and listening to stories and specifics on why. I know these things. Not know them like some others do, but I’m as little aware as I thought I needed to be. (Most of this paragraph makes me sound like a monster, and I’m aware of that.)

This is not a movie solely about breast cancer and those affected by it. I initially thought that’s what it was about, and it could not be further from that. 

Here’s the best description of it that I could find (and even this does not quite do it justice):

“Breast cancer has become the poster child of corporate cause-related marketing campaigns. Countless women and men walk, bike, climb and shop for the cure. Each year, millions of dollars are raised in the name of breast cancer, but where does this money go and what does it actually achieve? Pink Ribbons, Inc. is a feature documentary that shows how the devastating reality of breast cancer, which marketing experts have labeled a “dream cause,” becomes obfuscated by a shiny, pink story of success.” Written by The National Film Board of Canada

It took me about fifteen minutes into the film to finally understand what this was going to be about, so I can only suggest you sit through that first part and wait for it to really begin. 

The whole piece is crazy well done, in my opinion, and I’ll probably continue to tell people that fact for maybe about a week or so - or however long the sensation of seeing something really great lasts.

Here’s an excerpt from it that lingered in my mind, for whatever reason:

“I particularly reject the word survivor as a label for myself. Not only because I’m a little superstitious, since who knows - but also because it seems to me to be a put down of those women who don’t survive.”

There were so many things covered that I’ve never been even slightly aware of, so I’m just glad to have seen it. It’s just an extremely eloquent, unbiased (but in the classiest kind of unbiased way) documentary. Definitely see it.

Henry, age 8, watches Forrest Gump. →

kellyoxford:

Henry: Wow, he doesn’t use commas when he talks.
Henry: Is Tom Hanks handicapped in real life?
Henry: Their house is huge.
Henry: I can’t believe Elvis stole his moves, gave him no credit. Not cool.
Henry: Is he going to sit on that bench and tell this story for the whole movie?
Henry: His braces broke off his legs and he’s a normal kid, running? He just left Jenny? Shouldn’t he be tired of running?
Henry: Oh man he joins the ARMY!? WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT!?
Henry: This Bubba guy is awesome, but he’s gonna die. In every army movie the first friend the main character meets, dies. Poor Bubba’s gonna die.
Henry: Oh my god, I love Bubba and this shrimp stuff.
Henry: Jenny is in Playboy? Is this a stripper show? She’s totally a stripper.
Henry: Jenny you can’t outrun a bullet. She told him to run.
Henry: YES. WAR SCENES. FINALLY. Why doesn’t Forrest have the cool gun?
Henry: Man, Vietnam would have been fun… until you had to go out and fight and die.
Henry: His platoon leader is just like my teacher. “Sit down. Shut up.”
Henry: I love Bubba.
Henry: I love how Forrest talks.
Henry: OH NO JENNY IS A HIPPIE.
Henry: Knew it. Is Bubba dead?
Henry: Was Forrest the only one who made it out, standing? Hey, this is what you have to do in Call of Duty. When you’re being carried out, you need to pull out a handgun.
Henry: Oh Bubba isn’t good. Man. I knew it. He died. Everyone’s best friend always gets shot.
Henry: Why would lieutant Dan rather be dead than get prosthetics? That’s dumb.
[Sal walks in]
Sal: Do hippies work? At all?
Henry: Dick Clark was so young then. He’s old now. He’s dead.
Henry: Jenny is so stupid.
Henry: Wait. BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP?!?! IS THIS A TRUE STORY?!
Sal: I like that the Apple symbol used to be rainbow.
Henry: I’d never cut grass for free.
Sal: Jenny is a mess.
Henry: Jenny is a mess.
Henry: He’s going to be really depressed now.
Sal: Jenny is terrible.
Henry: “His daddy’s name is Forrest? Just like me?” He’s an idiot.
Henry: Is it over? I want to know more about his cute little kid.
Sal: SEQUEL. That’s my new favorite movie.

Oz: The Great and Powerful - A Review

I just want to start this off by saying that I thought I would for sure like this movie. I really did. I’m not hating here for the sake of hating. I do want to watch it again in maybe a year or so to see if I feel the same as I do right now.

Thoughts

(Gonna do this in points. Points are punchier.)

• Before going into it, I didn’t know that David Lindsay-Abaire had anything to do with it at all - so to read that he had a hand in writing this?! Well, that’s pretty big. He’s a proper writer. Expectations were definitely set a bit higher. I wish I’d never seen that credit. This shit could have been written by any old loser.
• I feel like anyone who was associated with The Wizard of Oz should be really upset that this movie got made. And I don’t even LOVE The Wizard of Oz or anything. 
• James Franco was terrible and I like James Franco usually. 
• Where the fuck have you been, Zach Braff? Good for you getting a part in a big movie. Just good for you. Scrubs was funny sometimes. Glad you’re doing all right.
• People CLAPPED at the end up it? What the hell? No. I don’t condone that. Not even for good movies. I will maybe allow clapping at the BEGINNING of a movie, since that’s just adorable you’re so excited. But at the end? Ugh, no. Way. Also, as a tiny sidenote: those idiots who clap when a plane lands? Are we kidding here? You’re clapping because something that is SUPPOSED to happen, happens. Okay then. Do people clap for you when you make it to work on time? No. We’re all clapping too much. And I don’t get it. It’s devaluing the act of clapping.
• And you know what? Maybe I didn’t even hate the movie. Maybe I was just too affected by the atmosphere. I was at an 8:30pm showing on a Saturday – so yeah, going at that time is my own damn fault. The woman beside me had some sort of nervous tick in her leg and it wouldn’t stop bouncing the entire time. There were at least three children in that theatre under the age of two. One dude snored through half of it and during the other half – he’d laugh at jokes, not with a laugh, but a gentle and prolonged, “Ahhhhhhhh!” So yeah. The theatre that night wasn’t great. Oh and also, why would it be a good idea to bring back theatre ushers? I’ll tell you why. So that when some moron’s phone starts ringing, an usher can literally usher them the fuck outside. Absurd that that’s not a thing. Movie tickets keep getting more expensive and for what? What better fucking services are they coming up with? HIRE USHERS! The food ain’t getting better. The seats ain’t comfy as hell. There’s shit all OVER those floors. PAY humans to become ushers and to make it a better theatre experience, and then maybe I’ll consider being excited by the idea of a goddam “3D experience”.
• On another topic – 3D? I just… I can’t. I really can’t. If you’re mentally aroused by the idea of putting those fucking glasses on, then you’re part of the problem. I have nothing to say to you. You are as awful as 3D - I hope you’re very happy together.

Bill Cunningham New York (Documentary)

This man seems like the nicest man on the planet. The whole thing centers around this fashion photographer who works for The New York Times, and is known for his candid and street photography. I don’t follow fashion stuff, but this was so enjoyable to watch. And I think about this line from it often:

"Fashion is the armor to survive the reality of everyday life."

Catching Hell - ESPN Documentary

I saw this documentary for the first time about a year ago, and since then I’ve probably seen it maybe three or four more times. I can’t really pinpoint what’s so interesting about it, to be honest, but for some reason I feel the urge to watch it again when I forget about it after a little while. Anyway, before I go on, here’s a summary of it taken from when it was at the Tribeca Film Festival:

When Chicagoan Steve Bartman fatefully deflected a foul ball in Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS, the city’s long-suffering Cubs fans found someone new to blame for their cursed century without a World Series title. Director Alex Gibney explores the psychology of die-hard sports fans, the frightening phenomenon of scapegoating, and the hysteria that turned mild-mannered Bartman into the most hated man in Chicago. 

If you’re not into sports, I think it’s still possible for you to get something outta seeing this. I’m really not that into sports, but I do have a soft spot for baseball, so maybe that has something to do with why I think this is so worth seeing. Also, if I ever meet this man, I will want to continuously hug him for five straight minutes. Let the record show.  

You can see all the parts on YouTube here. 

This is still the greatest trailer of all time. I watch it maybe once a month. Just so, so good. 

Plus I remember reading this before it came out: 

“It is not acceptable for a grown man to be getting teary-eyed at out-of-context snippets of a movie played at a comic-book convention. And yet there I was, sitting in Hall H, fighting back tears.” – Devin Faraci, after seeing ten minutes of a Where The Wild Things Are at a screening at Comic Con

And just knowing that there were other weirdos out there who had the same strong reaction that I did made me feel less like an adult who needs to get over this damn book. Ugh, what a trailer. 

Django Unchained

Okay, I don’t really know where to start this. It was literally from about the halfway point that I began to loathe the whole movie. I didn’t think the whole thing was terrible, so I feel weird even saying “loathe”. Christoph Waltz was fantastic, he was the absolute best part of the entire thing. I really wish it were just all about him and Django was a smaller, side part or something. Also, Jamie Foxx was good. And Leonardo DiCaprio was whatever, really… just average, but that’s fine ‘cause that wasn’t what bothered me the most. Also, the music was phenomenal. I wanted to look up almost every single song that was played.

I think what irritated me the most was how awful most of the writing was. (Absolutely not the KKK/head cloth scene, that was so great.) As a whole, it just felt like this movie was the first draft of a film school dropout’s attempt at acclaim. Or better yet, a screenplay that was written by a tiny child who goes on and on and on with his never ending, boring-as-hell story – like a story that goes, “And then I went here. And then I did this. And then it was winter. And then this was what we did next. And then I became a bounty hunter.” UGH. So badly told and BORING and I’m sorry, but there was no back story at all to why I would give a shit AT ALL about Django specifically. Okay, yeah. He had a wife. He wanted to get her back. Okay… what the fuck else you got? That’s so fucking DRAB and tired that I lost interest almost immediately.

Also, I’m sorry, but any fucking NOTABLE/GOOD/RESPECTED director does not fucking make a longer-than-a-minute CAMEO in his/her own goddam movie. And I know that’s his thing. That’s what he does. But jesus christ. He’s not an actor. He’s never been one. Get out of the fucking movie. You’re not being “fun”, you’re coming off as an idiot who’s almost saying, “Yeah, this movie is a joke. So I’ll just stroll along here in one scene for fun.” That’s just a personal side note thing of things I hate, but that really pissed me off and always pisses me off in most of his movies. Get off the fucking screen and focus on improving your reprehensible script that you’ve somehow convinced everyone is so good.

I just feel like the whole movie didn’t have enough rewrites. Also, it just felt as if he didn’t care much to edit ANYthing. Obviously it was too long. So many fucking things could and should have been cut. And yeah this is maybe dumb/dense of me, but jesus fuck, I get that it’s supposed to be realistic to that time, but it felt so fucking weird to me to be almost comfortable hearing that n word after the billionth time it was said. At first, of course it’s just, you know, awful to hear, but literally after the fiftieth time, it almost became comfortable to hear because of overuse – and I don’t really care if that was the intent or not, I fucking hated it, the overuse of that, which seemed completely unnecessary to do in excess and a lazy excuse for trying to get an audience passionately against the obvious villains. I get what he was trying to do, but it just fell apart completely in execution. Again, that’s just my opinion. So, so disappointing. Of course there were a tiny, few good parts/things that I laughed at/liked, but as a whole… MAN. I’ll never want to see it again. And this sucks to feel ‘cause I can’t find anyone else who felt this way yet. Spike Lee doesn’t count, ‘cause Spike Lee can eat it since we each hated it for different reasons. 

Numerous people have called me a moron for not liking it, and that’s all well and fine. Even I was confused by my level of disdain at the end of this movie.