Fury of the Day - "...And Many More To Come!"

Celebrations are great. This thought is pretty universal, yes? Therefore, birthdays should be pretty great. My hope for the future is that as I age I continue to be:

• Cool with whatever age I'm at

• Only sad about not being "young" for a maximum of 24 hours

• Into getting gifts (I've seen a pattern of older people not wanting gifts as they age. I don't want to be that kind of grandma. Give me gifts.)

• Wicked as hell

It isn't my birthday soon, but I noticed something today that makes me so mad I had to mention it before I forget.

You know those people who wish you a happy birthday and then follow that with, "...and many more to come!" These people enrage the fuck out of me with that comment. Such a moronic thing to say to someone, especially on a day when maybe they're already not feeling the best. My questions for these cretins are as follows.

1. Are you saying this to someone who is older than you? 'Cause in that case, whoa. That's beyond rude. It sounds like you're wishing for them not to die QUITE so soon.  Is it just me who hears it that way? Am I wrong here? Such a dick thing to say. Why do you have to mention the future at all? Can't we focus on this birthday THAT IS HAPPENING NOW and leave it in peace? 

2. Are you saying this to someone younger than you? Well, that doesn't make any sense at all. And I've heard this said to a child before and the kid's face was all *what's-happening* after they heard it. Makes zero sense. When I've heard it from someone older, I always think, "Bitch, I should be saying this to your old ass."

3. Aren't we all wishing and hoping that WE'VE ALL got many more to come? Does this thought need to be expressed aloud? Should I thank you for saying it?! I HATE YOU.

The first time some idiot said this to me was when I was 23 and it confused the fuck out of me. Can we just strike this "wish" from all of our combined vocabularies? I feel like the people who say this sentiment are also the same people who tell me I “look tired”. Just crawl in a hole and die, you're the worst.

Some people will not understand this fury. You're sitting there in your cushy "apartment", thinking, "But Liz, they're just trying to say they hope you have a long and happy life! What's the problem?"

If that's you, then you've definitely said this to someone in the past and should be ashamed of yourself. Stop saying it. Hate it/you so much. 

xx

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Faux Fur from Aritzia

Stole (noun): a woman's long scarf or shawl, esp. fur or similar material, worn loosely over the shoulders.

All right, now that you know what it is (and really, you should've known already) - make your world eons more glamourous and GO BUY ONE! I'd only heard of their existence a few years ago when my friend Marla had one and I immediately scoured the streets for one to call my own. This one specifically feels more amazing than it should considering that it's faux mink.

I bought this exact one in brown last winter and never used it. Why not? I didn't think I was money enough to wear one at that time. Clearly I was, since I had purchased it, but I just couldn't bring myself to wear it in public. 

This winter however? I'm being showcased on all around town in it. I literally will not leave home without it. I really want to buy the one in white, but I'm waiting until the end of the season when hopefully it'll be cheaper. 

So fucking soft and pretty.

Thank You

Just so we're clear, I am grateful to you.

I know that sentence isn't enough - and that thought makes me so mad. I want to express so hard to you just how much it means to me that you would ever want to read any of these words or posts or anything that I've put up on this site over this past year. Any of it - the stuff you've liked and especially the stuff where you've been all "Meh, not my thing," 'cause you still came back to see what else I got - and for that? Man. That's really fucking nice - and I thank you from the pit of stomach. I don't think you realize how kind it is and how much I bask in knowing that even one person gave a shit about anything written here. We're all busy and we all have a million things to do, and this blog has been one of my major things to try and maintain this year because it's brought me a great deal of happiness to try and do. And it makes me fucking blush to think of anyone smiling for a millisecond because of something he/she has read on here. 

Andrew Hamm, I'm especially thankful for you and your Mom Says illustrations each week. They are my favourite part of the site. Just to clue the rest of you in, Andrew drew this first Mom Says and sent it to me as a gift just because he wanted to. And obviously, I loved it. Who wouldn't? And when I selfishly asked if he could keep doing them each week, he agreed and here we are. This man has more important things to do, but still does these for me and he's incredible for it. What kind of person receives a gift and then responds with, "Man, this gift is amazing. But you know what would be greater? If you continued to gift me with things just like this one EVERY SINGLE WEEK into the foreseeable future. Thanks." That's essentially what I said to him. One day he'll get sick of doing them and stop because that's what a sane person would do and I'll still be thankful for all this hard work. Andrew, you're the best.

I want to hug all of you.

Yours,

Liz

Gift From Paul

I was lucky enough to get some ridiculously good Christmas gifts this year. Why? Probably 'cause I was a really fucking good girl. Here's one of the top ones from the overly-amazing Paul Fishman.

IT'S A MOM SAYS BOOK!

(click the image to see more)

View fullsize

Inside Cover

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Inside Back Cover

Honestly, I was speechless. Just such a thoughtful gift. I've wanted to put out a book of those sayings for awhile now and then sell it on the site. So I can't really express how sweet this was to receive. More details coming soon on when they'll be available. 

Also, an obvious thank-you-times-a-million to Paul is in order - but Andrew Hamm? Go to hell, you're amazing for drawing all of these.

Christmas Card

I have dreams about how gorgeous this card is. It's been the favourite one I've seen for about fifteen years now. Just love it. Someone buy me a home here.

Broken Foot: Part Deux

I just broke my foot for the second time in two years. I'm in crutches. Please send money.

...Imagine that was the tone of this post? Man, that’d be funny and great. Anyway, it’s not a big deal since I’ve gone through this before. How did it happen this time? I wish it was a better story, but I was walking at night, stumbled and voila. It’s definitely due to my poor eyesight, which has failed me many a time. I'm not trying to cry about it (oh that happened IMMENSELY the night this happened, I cried more in that one sitting than I have in the past two years combined), I'm just sharing what's going on with me. In a lot of other aspects of my life, though, I’m very lucky. So I feel like it all balances out somewhere. (And if you must know, I did adhere to these policies and took the fall with some dignity.)

Nathan: "Why don’t you do a post about your foot?"
Me: "But what is there to say about it? It’s broken - I’m sad."

But upon more thought, there ARE things I can tell you about it. Especially if, at some point in your future, you must deal with a broken foot, ankle or leg. 

Things That Are Irritating

• Unlimited weekly metro card rendered VIRTUALLY USELESS.
• Having to do your own dishes is awful times a million when you’re balancing on one leg.
• Making a bed. Some people might think this is silly to do in this condition, but man - are you an animal? Make your damn bed. I don't care how sickly you are. It's important.
• Having the knowledge that my pilates teacher thinks I’m just slacking right now by not attending her classes BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW THE TRUTH.
• Having to ask someone to grocery shop for you. Grocery lists are personal. I don't want to share that information with anyone. I don't want you to know what kind of stuff I buy. Back off. (But also, ugh, thank you for helping me.)
• My gym membership being wasted, as we speak.
• Showering. It’s just hell. Takes an hour and a half. And not only is the act itself difficult to maneuver, but there’s also the mighty fear inside me of falling in the shower. I can’t have that happen to me. I don't want to hold onto the story of having that happen to me. I feel like no one will ever be able to see me in a sexually pleasing way again if they know I’ve somehow managed to fall in the shower. There's no turning back once that happens to you.

Things I've Realized

• Due to my current slow pace, I really feel like I’m getting a glimpse into what being an old, sickly person must feel like. I do not mean just any elderly person, I mean the downtrodden ones, who look visibly hurt as they move around. THOSE ones. And now I sympathize. (Did I not sympathize before? Honestly, can’t remember.) No one, young & hurt or old & hurt, likes to be passed on the sidewalk. It’s an upsetting feeling to overcome.
• Even when hurt, you can still help others feel better if they’re sick. It’s hard to move around and get junk for them, but still – you can do it, slowly. And it perks you up actually – to not be the only ill person in the room.
• I have an amazing excuse if someone gets me a Christmas gift and it didn't occur to me to get them one. "Sorry, dude - I'm broken."
• Peppermint tea? I love you. I never would’ve cracked open my "guest tea box" if I weren’t in this position and learned that you’re wonderful.
• It is a really sad occurrence to put one beautiful high-heeled shoe on your one good foot and look at it in the mirror just to remember better times.

Things I Hope To Do Once Said Foot Is Back In Action

• Dance more. This sounds like an awful New Year’s resolution or something, yes, I agree. But I think about this constantly! The amount of secret, private parties I’ve thrown in my bedroom, with only me, my stereo and some real fucking nice moves is vast. And it’s always a great time. I should be doing this more out in the real world, since, well, everyone benefits from witnessing ALL DIS. 
• Walk very slow at night. People can wait for me.
• JUMP out of bed in the morning. Not all the time like some kind of maniac, but at least once a month, let's say.
• Become a foot model and make lots of money. Always been an interest.

Things I’m Thankful For

• That it's only my foot and it wasn't my leg. That feels like it would take EONS to heal. Very thankful it’s just the foot.
• That it’s almost winter and not summer. I would not cutely be writing a post about this if it were summer. I would be stewing in my own contempt for every single person who’s ever smiled.
• That 90% of my Christmas gifts were wrapped and ready to go before this happened.
• Animals. I don’t have a dog, but my boyfriend does. And he brought her over for a few nights. I can’t tell you what that did to my mood – I think I’ll be able to get by on that high for at least a few days before the inevitable low creeps backs in. Amazing!
• My computer. I just... I can't even... How do I... WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU?!
• It’s important to know how you’ll function individually (without family or friends around) when something bad like this happens because it’ll force you to learn some things about yourself. Is this good or bad? I can’t say, but I’m thankful for it. And when someone you love does come by to help you out, well, obviously that’s a way better alternative and is welcome as hell and a beautiful distraction. 
• This ice bag. Why do you not own one yet?
• Home Improvement episodes on YouTube.
• You, reading this.

Really, you're the best. Thanks for checking in!

Correspondence

I write letters every so often, and you're probably going to get a birthday card from me in the mail if we've met more than 3.2 times. Why is this? It isn't because I'm kinder than you are - it's because I love mail. And typically speaking, the more you give the more you get. And really, receiving any kind of handwritten mail is just so romantic to me. Even if it's from someone whom I have no romantic feelings for. It's just a sweet thought to think of someone sitting at a desk for a minute and writing out my address with their fingers. Fuck, that's so nice. 

Why is it great to write letters or send cards?

• No one has any time to be calling all the important people in his/her life every week or even month - but a letter is so much easier to write and send, in my opinion. And the best part? It's one way. They can choose to reply or not! I love that! 

• Whenever people go away, they will usually always send me a postcard since they know how into correspondence I am - and I love postcards. Pictures of great places, with words about how great it is? Yes, please! 

• The amount of effort put into writing and sending any form of letter or card is so minimal, but that same effort seems so large when received. And that's great! Minimal effort, but with a nice payoff.

• One day I will be dead. And how will you know it? You'll stop receiving cards from me. I really think a lot of people will find out that way, about my death. Is that abnormal to think about? I think I like it. Someone off somewhere just going, "Hmmm... Liz hasn't sent anything this year. She must have passed on. Sad." That idea seems so nice to me. (I'm taking liberties with assuming the "Sad." line, I realize.)

• Sometimes people forget that you love or care about them. And really, there are so many people in all of our lives, it's hard to keep track of them all especially when we're so invested in our own junk going on. So sending something once in awhile is just a gentle reminder that, "Hey! You're being thought of!" Which, I think, is always an instant boost.

Now if you're sitting there going, "Hey dummy, y'ever heard of email?" -- don't speak to me like that. Email is wonderful. My problem with it is that it's too fast. Sometimes I don't want to write to someone and know that I'll get their reply instantly. I feel like doing that lessens whatever words we've exchanged. Not because they weren't meaningful, but because the whole experience was too quick for me to put any value in it - and likely, I'll forget about it even more quickly and move on to other things going on in my day. Everyone's in such a hurry, and I don't want to be in a hurry with them. 

Even if you do it once a year, please mail someone something. Guaranteed it'll make them happier for even just a second. 

I didn't intend for this to be so long, I apologize. If I had your address, I could've just mailed this to you and saved us all some time.

You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.

“If you don’t have free weights in your house and don’t feel like buying them – when you buy groceries (before you put the food away), use those bags as your weights. Do a few sets. I totally do this.”

— #lizadvice

Yearly Photo Books

I haven't had photos printed in quite a long time. And that doesn't really make a lot of sense since I still take photos often. So I decided to start making yearly photo books. I started doing this last year in 2012 - and all you do is compile all the memorable photos from that year and upload them into a photo book. There are tons of sites that do this for you, but the one I've been using has been Snapfish. (You could always do this yourself, with printing the photos yourself and putting them in an album yourself - but my way is way faster and easier, I think. And possibly cheaper, depending on where you print your photos.) (I paid $30 for a book with about 222 photos in it, and I got to arrange how I wanted it to look, also.)

The goal here is to make one of these books each January. To be honest, I wish I'd started doing it sooner. When I someday have tons of free time and money isn't an issue, then I'll make sure to go back and get those past years done. Also, if you are taking photos in your everyday life, well, you can't rely on computers to always keep them safe. I do have an external hard drive, but that isn't the main issue here. I want to actually see these photos once in awhile! And having a handy little book full of them is way more attractive an idea than rummaging through files on a screen, in my opinion. 

Again, I've been using Snapfish and if you do choose to make one, they're having a sale right now until November 24th where they have 60% off photo books with the code BOOKNOV60. I would say that this would be a good gift for someone, but it's really a way better gift for yourself since you're the one with access to all the photos you want to save. (There are also mad deals on Groupon every so often, so check there, too.)

Also, am I the only one who actually enjoys it when someone brings out a photo album? 'Cause I love the hell out of that shit. Not the albums of strangers (I'm not a mutant), but of people I know? C'mon. That's adorable. 

Fury of the Day - Comedians Who Do Impressions

I'm not talking about your Uncle Bob here (though I silently doubt that his Walken is amazing). I'm talking about comedians who do impressions. Oh, and also the people WHO LOVE HEARING THESE IMPRESSIONS - you're a big part of this problem. 

Before I go on, let me state that I absolutely can admit when I hear a great impression of someone. Bill Hader's version of Alan Alda? Get out of here. I will be the first one to stand and say, "Hey! That was great! Good on you." I cannot, however, encourage comedians on a stage who do them in excess. If you have more than five seconds of impressions in a set? Walk slowly into the ocean. 

I wish I could shake every comedian alive and beg them not to do them - for three main reasons.

1. Impressions are never funny. A "funny impression" of a person does not exist. If it's a good one, then it's just accurate. And if it's accurate - then cool, you have the ability to sound like that other guy. Wicked. And if it's a bad impression? Oh man, I couldn't hate you more. You're not even good at the thing that you think I want to see?! Fuck.

2. The thought of someone sitting in their room, practicing some other person's voice or mannerisms makes me very sad. I apologize if that sounds condescending, but it's really fucking depressing to me. (Unless you're considering yourself an impressionist who ONLY does impressions, that is. But that's never the case.) They could be using that time to fucking think up original or personal insights to offer people, maybe.

3. Jokes and stories are memorable - your fucking DeNiro is not. I will likely vomit if I'm subjected to it. It's come to a point now that when I see someone even slightly attempt any kind of impression on stage, my eyes close gently as my mind shuts down in a furious rage. It's at that moment that I'll definitely think this person is awful to the core and also sort of dumb, for some reason. And I don't want to hold that prejudice! Years of witnessing impressions has forced me into this, unfortunately.

I understand why people want to get good at impressions - it's because almost everyone fucking loves hearing them. Why the hell is this? I wish I could fucking tell you, but I have no idea.

Oh hey, you know that guy in that movie you loved? Well, we don't have him. Yeah, he's crazy busy. But we got this other guy... and you're gonna be blown away by how much they sound alike. Like, it's eerie. AND IT WILL MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND IN EXCITEMENT.

And I know that I can't stop them. At this very moment, somewhere out there someone is perfecting the hell out of their goddam Seinfeld and there's nothing I can do about it. Makes me so mad.

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