Celebrations are great. This thought is pretty universal, yes? Therefore, birthdays should be pretty great. My hope for the future is that as I age I continue to be:

Cool with whatever age I'm at
Only sad about not being "young" for a maximum of 24 hours
Into getting gifts (I've seen a pattern of older people not wanting gifts as they age. I don't want to be that kind of grandma. Give me gifts.)
Wicked as hell

It isn't my birthday soon, but I noticed something today that makes me so mad I had to mention it before I forget.

You know those people who wish you a happy birthday and then follow that with, "...and many more to come!" These people enrage the fuck out of me with that comment. Such a moronic thing to say to someone, especially on a day when maybe they're already not feeling the best. My questions for these cretins are as follows.

1. Are you saying this to someone who is older than you? 'Cause in that case, whoa. That's beyond rude. It sounds like you're wishing for them not to die QUITE so soon. Is it just me who hears it that way? Am I wrong here? Such a dick thing to say. Why do you have to mention the future at all? Can't we focus on this birthday THAT IS HAPPENING NOW and leave it in peace?

2. Are you saying this to someone younger than you? Well, that doesn't make any sense at all. And I've heard this said to a child before and the kid's face was all *what's-happening* after they heard it. Makes zero sense. When I've heard it from someone older, I always think, "Bitch, I should be saying this to your old ass."

3. Aren't we all wishing and hoping that WE'VE ALL got many more to come? Does this thought need to be expressed aloud? Should I thank you for saying it?! I HATE YOU.

The first time some idiot said this to me was when I was 23 and it confused the fuck out of me. Can we just strike this "wish" from all of our combined vocabularies? I feel like the people who say this sentiment are also the same people who tell me I “look tired”. Just crawl in a hole and die, you're the worst.

Some people will not understand this fury. You're sitting there in your cushy "apartment", thinking, "But Liz, they're just trying to say they hope you have a long and happy life! What's the problem?"

If that's you, then you've definitely said this to someone in the past and should be ashamed of yourself. Stop saying it. Hate it/you so much.