Aritzia Online

If you’ve ever shopped for anything online at Urban Outfitters, but have somewhat become sick of shopping there, the next step in your life would be to shop online at Aritzia. 

Why do I endorse such a place? Mostly because almost every fabric in that store feels like it fell down from heaven, it’s all so soft. I bought a fake fur stole from there in the winter and once accidentally fell asleep in it. I know. That’s pretty money. But it was just that comfortable.

They’ve recently started selling online and I’ve only bought one item so far. Why was it great? Well, because they send you a full collapsable shipping bag incase you want to return it (with postage!), and that’s just thoughtful as hell. And rare for a business to do. 

Anyhow, give a gander. Maybe you’ll be all, “Liz! These clothes are ugly!” and I’ll be all, “Well, that’s your opinion.”

Superstay 24 Hour Color by Maybelline

Do not buy this product. Why?

• IT CAKES LIKE CRAZY. Just mad cake-age. 
• Costs $10 and has the consistency of DOLLAR STORE CHILDREN’S PAINT.
• Granted, I hate this product - but they only give you a quarter of what the packaging looks like (half of the tube is a clear lip balm to put OVERTOP). And quantity matters.

I’m usually smarter about buying things. Or… no, maybe I’m not. I gotta try some things out SOMEtimes, for Christ’s sake. And this was a fail. The only reason that I even ventured into that stupid aisle was because of this conversation I had with a woman who was doing my makeup once:

Me: “Is it all right to just not use any lipstick? I hate that stuff.”

Her: “What’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I just think it looks too phony.”

Her: “Are those your real eyelashes?”

Me: *nervous laughter*

Me: “I just don’t think it looks good on a lot of people in real life to have lips so outrageously colored.”

Her: “That’s insane. You’re insane. Go buy some lipstick.”

SO I DID. This isn’t lipstick, but a lip stain, so I thought this would be my first step into the realm of possibility. I will now be taking a step back. Just a fucking terrible product.

I would take a photo of my lips right now to show you how ugly it looks, but I don’t want the only photo of my lips on the internet to look ABHORRENT. 

The Dogbrella

This is the dogbrella. I saw this in a Hammacher Schlemmer catalog years ago and scanned the page so I never forgot to buy one of these should I ever have a dog again. Seriously.

Maybe it looks like a joke gift or something, but man - dogs get so wet on rainy days. What with their tiny little legs being so close to the ground and all. Anyway, it obviously won’t make them super dry since their paws will still be amongst water, but it’s gotta help a little bit, I’d imagine. 

Anyway, their yearly catalogs are great. They’re basically like a higher-end SkyMall (ie. amazing).

Peppermint Extract For Lips

If you’ve ever bought any sort of product that advertises itself as a lip plumper, then please read on. If not? I don’t know, maybe go here and make your brain better or something. (Also, if you’re a woman who’s adequately happy with what her lips are doing for her? I envy you.)

I never buy any of those products anymore - mostly because the majority of them are trash. Expensive trash. I read the following tip in a “Fun Facts” section of a cookbook once, so that’s probably why I trust it.

After you put your lip balm on, dab a bit of peppermint extract on next. It pumps them up like mad. I’ve been doing this for about, oh, say six months or so and I feel like it’s been working. 

(Extra tip: using hot sauce does the same thing, in very small quantities, of course. Though, I wouldn’t fully endorse that idea because then you just smell like you ate something spicy all day. Not the hottest, but I’m sure some people are into it.)

Peardrax

This is a drink from Trinidad. It is delicious. I suggest you seek it out and drink it. 

Sorry to be so blunt. It’s just that fabulous, so I don’t need to get wordy. Also, jesus, do I have to have a million reasons why you should try it? Trust that I’m not an idiot in my recommendations, please. You’re embarrassing us both. 

If you want to pay way too much for a bottle online, you can order them here. Or you can be a human being and just find a West Indian or Caribbean market in your neighborhood and get a bottle there. 

Secrets of White Teeth

If you’ve seen me in real life, have you wondered why I have such white teeth? It’s genetics.

(That’d be really funny if the post just ended there.)

Ignoring the fact that I compulsively like to talk about when I’m “being really funny”, the real answer is because of whitening toothpaste and mouthwash. Colgate Optic White, to be precise. The toothpaste and the mouthwash. Over the years, I’ve tried a bunch of different ones but, in my opinion, this one is the cheapest, the best tasting and the most effective. I was going to put a side by side photo comparison of my before teeth and after teeth, but then realized that I have been using this stuff so long that I only have after photos. I know, it’s a hard life.

Also, if you’re reading this and you’re a smoker? Wow. That’s cute. Stop smoking, dummy, and then you can benefit from my inadequate years of experience. 

Mouthwash Tip of The Day:

Don’t pour a whole lot into your mouth when mouthwashing, that’s a waste. Just put, say, less than 1/4 of a cup (why am I using baking measurements? Sorry, but those are the only I know). Anyway, just pour a tiny bit in your mouth, but then swish it around like a madman for double the amount of time it says on the back label (usually about a minute). You’ll go through your mouthwash much slower than you regularly do, but with double the results. 

I know this post sounds like a commercial. Frankly, someone should take these words, make it into a commercial somehow and pay me some money. It’s a great line of products. 

iMAginNiff Board Game

All right, if we’ve spoken in real life before, you may already be aware of this game’s existence. It is possibly the most fun game there is on the market (what market? The board game market, of course…?). Mind you, it’s especially fun if you’re playing with about four or more people.

Here’s how to play:

It’s simple to play. A set of names is chosen, usually the name of every player plus those of several absent friends. When it’s your turn, one name is selected as the subject of the question. You pick a card—one of hundreds—that poses a question and six possible answers (for example, “Imaginiff _____ were a crime. Which would he/she be?”). Read the question aloud, plugging in the subject’s name. Then read out the six answers (in this case, they range from “homicide” to “indecent exposure”). Each player picks an answer to fit the subject; those who have picked the most popular answer move forward. But though you win by advancing, winning is obviously not the point: laughter and arguments are. The questions on the cards range from the ridiculous (“Imaginiff _____ were a body part.”) to the provocative (“Imaginiff _____ had to decide which of the following values is most important.”). The game is a fun cross between Scruples and True Colors. —Elisa Murray, Amazon

There are a bunch of different versions with different covers, but they’re all the same game essentially. 

I can’t remember who, but someone I know was all, “I hate board games. They’re useless  and they waste time,” so I brought this baby out and they it took them five minutes to get totally into it. I don’t know if they’ll admit that, but their smiles were vast. 

Buy this game. Have a ton of fun. You’re not above board games. Maybe you think you are, but Y’AINT.

Sling - Victoria's Secret

Full Disclosure: if you’re a man, you probably won’t get anything out of reading this post. It may contain some things you just don’t want/need to hear about, and you know what? That’s fine. What can I offer you instead? Perhaps this little link will do. 

Okay, now onto real business. Let it be known that I have breasts. Pretty great ones, too. However, whenever I’m shopping for underwear/lingerie/what-have-you, I am always wanting to make them appear even greater. 

I came across this garment called a sling at Victoria’s Secret sometime in 2011 and I use it about three times a week at least. When do I use it, you ask? When I’m in a mood to specifically feel more amazing. They’re made of nylon and spandex, I believe, and have a little bit of boning in the front. You wear it overtop your bra for added push-up magic, essentially. I know that sounds like it would feel bulky, having two things on overtop one another, but it really doesn’t feel that way at all. To be honest, I’m not sure how well it works on smaller breasts, but I implore you to try one on and find out. It makes large breasts look ludicrous. And I mean that in the most positive sense. They cost approximately $40 or so at Victoria’s Secret - I imagine that they sell them at most bra places, but it’s easiest to just find them there.

This post was half put up to tell women about slings and half an excuse to post an Adriana Lima photo. That woman? Goddam. 

Laundry Punching Bag

This just seems like a great idea. Not sure why you can’t do it with your regular, old current laundry bag… but still a neat idea. (Note: I just tried punching my laundry bag a minute ago and it seemed to do no damage to the bag and my noted aggression was put at ease.) Why do I have boxing gloves in my bedroom? Well, you mind your business.

If you want to get real fancy and buy one, see here. I took note of this item from this beauty of a site. 

Tip - Soft Lips Lip Balm

I’ve been using this brand of lip balm for over ten years now. Maybe that’s a sad sentence to hear. Or maybe I just know when something is especially quite good. Why is this baby so good? I’ll tell you why, jerk. THEY’RE SO SLIM! Really. That’s probably my main reason. Yeah, they smell good and go on smooth, but every damn lip balm does/has that. These just glide right into my pocket and aren’t as bulky as your run-of-the-mill ChapStick. I also feel like it lasts longer than other brands, but that could just be a completely false statement. 

Apparently you can buy them at Walgreens, but I haven’t seen proof of that yet so I just buy a bunch when I’m in Canada at Shoppers Drug Mart. 

If you’re weird enough to purchase lip balm in bulk and/or online, you can get them here. I’ve never bought them online before, but I might now because they offer silly flavors like marshmallow ghost. 

Sorry about calling you a jerk. That was rude.