Bright Nail Polish

I'm not a religious woman. I do, however, have very strong beliefs and convictions. One of these core beliefs? Fluorescent nail polish. 

Does that make me sound dumb? 'Cause it shouldn't. This is a blog where I write about stuff I use and love, so you really should've seen that coming. 

I'm writing about this love now especially because the crisp autumn air has arrived. And one of the things that enrages me about this time of year? When women abandon their bright summer hues and replace them with the dreary dark or pastel colours that every fashion magazine will tell you is gorgeous this season. Why is this the norm? I have no idea. It happens every year. I guess because summer's over, you're not allowed to have any more fun? Honestly, if ever there is a time to be cheered up by beautifully striking nails - that time is now. Or better yet, the dead of winter. These are the times we need to see these beauties to wake us up! (And a tip for all humans? Unless you're a 14 year old boy or girl entering his/her testy phase, black nail polish should always be avoided. You're better than that, everyone. C'mon.)

That colour up top is called Hot Tub and it's available at Urban Outfitters for $5 (or two for $8). That is usually my go-to colour because it's as bright as all hell. They've got other great ones too, such as Ringo (bright yellow) and Tiny Shorts (bright orange). (Sidenote: I love the names of nail polishes. My dream job is to be the person who comes up with them. The best one I've ever heard was called, "I'm Not Really Just A Waitress" - Ugh. LOVE.) They also have a bright blue, but personally I find any kind of blue immensely unattractive on toenails (because it looks like ten different hammers fell on all your toes and you're recuperating... ie. gross). 

I'm not even advising you to wear these kinds of colours all the time. At least once in awhile, though. I like to do it almost all the time because I crave attention. And when you're wearing this kind of hue? People talk to you a lot. Good people! Some not great people, but mostly good! And honestly, it just cheers me up to look down and see these guys on terrible, cold days. For sure that's a dumb thing to say, but I'm probably happier than you are... so I'm comfortable with that. 

Avon Makeup Remover

Two things about me? 

1. I'm loyal as fuck.
2. I'm not, by definition, poor; but I have very little money. 

I have been using/buying this makeup remover for about ten years now and I'm never gonna buy another brand. I can't. This dude costs $2 a bottle through Avon and lasts - oh, I don't know, ABOUT SIX MONTHS! By the by, do you have an Avon lady? Get one. She'll be talkative and lovely. Get one.

It's a creamy remover and maybe that seems gross, but you get used to it. It works amazingly and doesn't leave me shiny and glossy like a new penny.  

Also, a tip? Wash your f-ing makeup off your face. Every night. You're not as tired as you think you are if you're already lying in your bed, trying to decide if you can muster enough energy to get up and wash that shit off. DO IT. I've been there, man. I know what it's like. It's so lazy and gross to admit how many times I used to not wash that off before bed, but I've been there. And I've grown. And so should you. (Especially if you wear mascara.) I have a feeling the 50 year old version of me is hanging out in some dimension going, "Yeah.. yeah... wash that stuff off! You're doing me such a solid right now."  You ain't gonna be this young forever. Neither is that face of yours. 

Anyway, this remover is wonderful. Try it out if you aren't already loyal to some great one that I've yet to hear about.  It's $4 if you get it online, but if you get an Avon catalog, it'll be $2.

The Oilless Fryer

If this is for real, well, I'm pretty sure it'll change the world. How does this work? No idea. I got a 58 in grade nine science. But here's what I read about it:

"The Oilless Fryer is capable of cooking crisp, succulent fried food – all without the need for any oil. Just how is this “magic” achieved? Well, there is an infrared heating element that will be able to heat to 400° F, while an internal fan circulates the dry hot air in order to cook golden-brown fried food using 80% less fat than deep-fried foodstuffs. This particular Oilless Fryer is capable of handling chicken wings, french fries, or spring rolls without batting an eyelid, delivering the same crunchy exterior and moist interior that you will find by using conventional deep fryers. The thing is, is this capable of handling a high volume at any one time? That depends on the appetite of your guests, as it can cook up to four cups of french fries simultaneously."

$249.95 at Hammacher Schlemmer.

So much want.

Exfoliating Bath Gloves

Here's a short story.  

I used to use these bath gloves reLIGiously for months and months (for, oh, about three times a week? Some say there's a danger of over-exfoliating if you do it that much, but... well, you already know how I thrive in the face of danger). Then the summertime happened and I stopped - why? No real reason, was just trying to shake up my shower life so I started using more soap and less body wash. ANYWAY, I haven't used those exfoliating bath gloves in months. About two weeks ago, I started noticing some rough skin on one part of my back, which puzzled me. And today, I was hanging out in my shower and thought,  "Hey! Where are my gloves?! I could use a real scrubbing." So I put those gloves on and went to town. Then I came outta the shower and I looked at that rough patch of skin and... FUCKING SMOOTH AS EVER. All that roughness was gone. In ONE exfoliation session. Do you understand how nuts that is? I can only imagine all that rough ass skin on all y'all who ain't using these gloves. Makes me shudder. 

Story over.  

Moral of the story? You need these gloves in your life. Men and women alike. You feel like a freak at first, just naked and standing there with these silly gloves on, but man - the outcome makes it so worth it. And I've grown to love these guys. They'll be apart of my shower hangouts for the rest of my life, I think. I'm pretty sure you can use soap with the gloves, but it just feels so much more refreshing to use some body wash that you love that smells outrageous, in my opinion. 

The gloves cost around $5 and are sold, um, everywhere. Drug stores, Wal-Mart, The Body Shop, online, etc. I'm not sure how often you're supposed to replace them, but I think I probably replace them... twice a year. And if that sounds gross to you, well, that's really judgmental. 

Campfire Fishing Rod

If there are two things you should know about me, here they are: 

1. I love grilled food.
2. I hate fire. (Really. I was forced to learn how to strike a match at age 21 when it became ridiculous that I hadn't learned already.) 

Now, with this knowledge in mind, I am the perfect candidate to own one of these guys. 

Campfire Fishing Rod!

If this looks as wonderful to you as it does to me, you can buy one for $29.95 over here. Just a great idea.

Splash Red Chopping Board

I feel like I could find this in Pee-wee's house, and that makes me love it. Honestly, I'll like anything that looks fun like this - I hope that one day the majority of things in my home will be as fun. Runs for $22. Or £17.

Even the spoon rest is great! 

Essence Sun Club 100% Splash-Proof Eyeliner Pen

This is the only eyeliner I use anymore. I found it in a Dollarama in Canada eons ago and have been using it ever since. I literally never fuck up my eyes when I use this pen. I've been told that you can find them in some Shoppers Drug Marts as well, but definitely look for them in any dollar store 'cause, obviously, they're way cheaper there. 

I used to only use this eyeliner in the summer, since it's really great in hot weather and it doesn't come off as you sweat (it's gross to imagine my eyelids sweating, but let it be known that it does infact happen) - but now I just use it year-round since I've come to love it so. I like the ultra black one, since, well, who the hell uses brown eyeliner? Weirdos, that's who.

Fake Eyelashes

Lady: "Your eyelashes are so long."

Me: "Oh, they're completely fake."

Lady: "Really? But they look good!"

Me: "Aren't you a peach, thank you!"

Lady: "I can never put them on correctly! But I really wish I could."

This conversation happens with me at least once a week. Now... other than me boasting about when people say nice things to me, this post does have a point. If you are a woman who has ever wanted longer lashes, buying fake (and relatively cheap) ones are the way to go. Why?

1. Having fancy eyelash extensions put on are 100% bullshit. I've had them done (probably about ten different times). Usually through a Groupon deal of some sort, and every time I do them I think, "No. THIS time will be a good experience." And that's never the case. Mostly because they're never as dramatic as I want them to be. And I don't mean dramatic like Kim Kardashian's fake ones, but dramatic like how lashes look in mascara commercials (Sidenote: I've never owned a mascara that does what the commercial says it does. No company has some revolutionary strategy that'll give you wicked lashes. This is a fable that has been told to young girls everywhere and needs to be stopped. ) The extensions say that they last for three to four weeks - which is not true if you ever, you know, wash your face. Now... I don't even wash my face that much (which is not actually that gross, I just don't think my face benefits from cleansing) and it's always still a hassle. They usually look good for about two days and you feel amazing, but for $50+ I need them to be amazing for way longer than that. Anyway, I hate them now. Don't do it.

2. If you fucking PRACTICE putting fake lashes on, then you will become amazing at it. As with anything in life, really. It literally took me over twenty times to perfect it. Now I'm a pro. And really, if there's anything that you don't know how to do - well, fucking keep at it until you get it. 'Cause I gotta tell you, the reaction I get 'cause of these lashes is excessively pleasant. I'm gonna say that 80% of people just linger there when they look at your face. And you want to look at yourself in mirrors constantly - just an unhealthy amount. It's great. Oh! And one tip: make sure to cut the lash strips a bit so that they don't irritate your eyes or hang off the ends in an unattractive manner. 

Unfortunately, not every woman is blessed with beautiful, flowing lashes. But when it's so easy to fake, it's ridiculous not to try this out (if you are infact intrigued by the idea having longer ones). 

​All eyes are creepy up close, but mine especially are - sorry about that.

The lash glue that I use is Revlon's Precision Lash Adhesive and goes for about $5 at any drugstore, and looks like this: 

And does it matter if people can tell they're fake? Not to me. If I think I look good, then I'm gonna go with that. I've had about 70% more sex when I chose to wear false ones on any particular night, so I must be doing something right. 

Edit note: Where do I get all of the percentages listed above? Well, that's an intrusive question. Let's just assume that they've been researched and analyzed extensively. Good day. 

Running Or How I Learned To Grow Up And Become Healthier

All right, I run. I know I don't seem like a runner, but I am. It's definitely a relatively new thing, since I only started about a year ago. And it's not like I've always hated running, I'm actually really fast (well, really fast at night... I know that seems like it doesn't make sense, but really, something about the night makes me run faster).

Why did I want to start to run? Well, I never used to exercise at all. Really, it never happened. I would fake sprain my ankle for every single track tournament we had at school, so I wouldn't have to move an inch. I got a year-long YMCA pass when I was 16 with my best friend Harmeet and every time we went, we'd spend thirty minutes in the "warm-up" room and then go five feet outside of the Y exit to get some TCBY. That yogurt is still the best in the world. So now that I'm a full-fledged adult, I need to do stuff like this - and running is the easiest, non-invasive thing to get into. Eventually I'm sure I'll get a gym pass, but for now this is the best thing with the least amount of effort that I can bring myself to care about.

Tips That I've Learned About Running

• If you run on a treadmill and you don't want to lose your ass, then make sure you set it at an incline (read about that here, and all that whole piece is so true)
• People seem 10% impressed to hear that you're a runner
• You can run for longer periods of time (without strain) if you use replacement insoles

What kind of soles? I've tried Dr. Scholl's Active Series ones and they're pretty magical. They're only $20 or so and I've taken them out and used them in different shoes when I need to. They feel ridiculously more comfortable than just the default insoles. 

I was recently at an event where I got to work out with Dolvett Quince (the celebrity personal trainer from The Biggest Loser, who was a sincere delight and is amazing as what he does) and I used these insoles. And to be honest, I figured I'd have some problems since I broke my foot last year - but they felt great against my feet. Sidenote: have you ever worked out with a personal trainer before? Go do it. This was my second time (my first time I threw up in the bathroom in the middle of the session, but that was mostly from nervousness, I think - nervousness and excessive movement) and this time, well, it was exhausting, but a tolerable amount of exhausting. But my feet could handle it all, which is my main point here. 

You are not better than new insoles. They are better than you. Try these out to see what I mean. 

*Special thanks to Haasan Morse at Morse Code PR for inviting me to work out with Dolvett.

Trader Joe's Coconut Body Butter

If I were a celebrity, I’m pretty sure the only thing I would endorse is body butter. We all benefit from body butter. It is cream’s cooler, older brother. If you haven’t tried it, I'd encourage you to give it a whirl. 

While I am a fan of the specialty stores that sell it (mainly The Body Shop), I am not a fan of their ridiculous prices. An eight ounce container can go for north of $20. For one container. And in the past, I would pay that! I foolishly thought that was the only way. NO MORE! 

This Trader Joe’s body butter is definitely as good, if not better, than anything at The Body Shop. And it’s eons cheaper. And it also doesn’t leave that oily residue that I’ve experienced with other, more expensive butters. 

Seriously, give it a go. And just as a sidenote: it’s way more fun to say I’m “buttering myself up” as opposed to “lotioning myself up,” just rolls off the tongue easier. 

It’s $12 on Amazon. And it’s $5 at Trader Joe’s.