Aritzia Online

If you’ve ever shopped for anything online at Urban Outfitters, but have somewhat become sick of shopping there, the next step in your life would be to shop online at Aritzia. 

Why do I endorse such a place? Mostly because almost every fabric in that store feels like it fell down from heaven, it’s all so soft. I bought a fake fur stole from there in the winter and once accidentally fell asleep in it. I know. That’s pretty money. But it was just that comfortable.

They’ve recently started selling online and I’ve only bought one item so far. Why was it great? Well, because they send you a full collapsable shipping bag incase you want to return it (with postage!), and that’s just thoughtful as hell. And rare for a business to do. 

Anyhow, give a gander. Maybe you’ll be all, “Liz! These clothes are ugly!” and I’ll be all, “Well, that’s your opinion.”

Superstay 24 Hour Color by Maybelline

Do not buy this product. Why?

• IT CAKES LIKE CRAZY. Just mad cake-age. 
• Costs $10 and has the consistency of DOLLAR STORE CHILDREN’S PAINT.
• Granted, I hate this product - but they only give you a quarter of what the packaging looks like (half of the tube is a clear lip balm to put OVERTOP). And quantity matters.

I’m usually smarter about buying things. Or… no, maybe I’m not. I gotta try some things out SOMEtimes, for Christ’s sake. And this was a fail. The only reason that I even ventured into that stupid aisle was because of this conversation I had with a woman who was doing my makeup once:

Me: “Is it all right to just not use any lipstick? I hate that stuff.”

Her: “What’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I just think it looks too phony.”

Her: “Are those your real eyelashes?”

Me: *nervous laughter*

Me: “I just don’t think it looks good on a lot of people in real life to have lips so outrageously colored.”

Her: “That’s insane. You’re insane. Go buy some lipstick.”

SO I DID. This isn’t lipstick, but a lip stain, so I thought this would be my first step into the realm of possibility. I will now be taking a step back. Just a fucking terrible product.

I would take a photo of my lips right now to show you how ugly it looks, but I don’t want the only photo of my lips on the internet to look ABHORRENT. 

Oz: The Great and Powerful - A Review

I just want to start this off by saying that I thought I would for sure like this movie. I really did. I’m not hating here for the sake of hating. I do want to watch it again in maybe a year or so to see if I feel the same as I do right now.

Thoughts

(Gonna do this in points. Points are punchier.)

• Before going into it, I didn’t know that David Lindsay-Abaire had anything to do with it at all - so to read that he had a hand in writing this?! Well, that’s pretty big. He’s a proper writer. Expectations were definitely set a bit higher. I wish I’d never seen that credit. This shit could have been written by any old loser.
• I feel like anyone who was associated with The Wizard of Oz should be really upset that this movie got made. And I don’t even LOVE The Wizard of Oz or anything. 
• James Franco was terrible and I like James Franco usually. 
• Where the fuck have you been, Zach Braff? Good for you getting a part in a big movie. Just good for you. Scrubs was funny sometimes. Glad you’re doing all right.
• People CLAPPED at the end up it? What the hell? No. I don’t condone that. Not even for good movies. I will maybe allow clapping at the BEGINNING of a movie, since that’s just adorable you’re so excited. But at the end? Ugh, no. Way. Also, as a tiny sidenote: those idiots who clap when a plane lands? Are we kidding here? You’re clapping because something that is SUPPOSED to happen, happens. Okay then. Do people clap for you when you make it to work on time? No. We’re all clapping too much. And I don’t get it. It’s devaluing the act of clapping.
• And you know what? Maybe I didn’t even hate the movie. Maybe I was just too affected by the atmosphere. I was at an 8:30pm showing on a Saturday – so yeah, going at that time is my own damn fault. The woman beside me had some sort of nervous tick in her leg and it wouldn’t stop bouncing the entire time. There were at least three children in that theatre under the age of two. One dude snored through half of it and during the other half – he’d laugh at jokes, not with a laugh, but a gentle and prolonged, “Ahhhhhhhh!” So yeah. The theatre that night wasn’t great. Oh and also, why would it be a good idea to bring back theatre ushers? I’ll tell you why. So that when some moron’s phone starts ringing, an usher can literally usher them the fuck outside. Absurd that that’s not a thing. Movie tickets keep getting more expensive and for what? What better fucking services are they coming up with? HIRE USHERS! The food ain’t getting better. The seats ain’t comfy as hell. There’s shit all OVER those floors. PAY humans to become ushers and to make it a better theatre experience, and then maybe I’ll consider being excited by the idea of a goddam “3D experience”.
• On another topic – 3D? I just… I can’t. I really can’t. If you’re mentally aroused by the idea of putting those fucking glasses on, then you’re part of the problem. I have nothing to say to you. You are as awful as 3D - I hope you’re very happy together.

Wishpot

Let me be clear, this post is not being written because my birthday is about a week away. 

There’s a site called Wishpot that I love. It’s an online (free) service that allows you to keep many types of lists with items that you find on other sites that you either need to purchase or would like to have as gifts. I know. That sounds kind of… gauche. And it is, a bit. But once you accept that general gaucheness, it’s really quite great. Once you have an account, you have an “Add to Wishpot” button installed in your bookmarks and whenever you come across something you want, you just add it to your pot.

I have two lists. One consists of “Things That I Eventually Need To Buy” and of course a “Wishlist” for when it’s gift giving times and someone asks me what I’d like. 

And honestly, if someone’s sweet enough to ask me what I’d want, my answer is usually, “Oh, I have everything. Don’t be silly. You’re so nice to even want to give me anything. You’re the best!” But the real answer would be, “Umm, of course there are frivolous things that would be great to get.” And that’s where this list comes in. In all honesty, the only people who have taken this list seriously and actually use it are my brothers and, like, two friends. So… is it really useful? I can’t really say. What I’m really hoping for is enough notoriety one day so that fans seek out this list and lavish me with these treats. That’s not gonna happen, maybe - but one can dream. 

Oh! I also forgot the best feature. If you do take a look at someone’s list and want to buy something for them, there’s a button to press to make sure no one else buys it since it’s then reserved. And at the same time, the person who the gift is for knows nothing because they don’t receive any notification that someone’s buying them something. Such secretism! 

In conclusion, if this post were being written solely because my birthday is about a week away - then I would’ve blogged about it sooner since there’s no way, with shipping, that’d I’d get any of those gifts on time. See? Not a horrible person. Not a great one either, but I’m comfortable with that. 

Sabon in NYC

Disclaimer: City-specific post ahead. (There are locations in NYC, Chicago and Miami.)

If you live/visit this city, please stop into a Sabon store and wash your hands. Err, rather - have your hands washed for you. If that sounds terrible… well, that’s weird. It’s actually great. Whenever I pass a location with my friend Paul it’s not even a question as to whether we go in or not. It’s free, and it’s basically a four step (sometimes more, if they’re not busy) hand washing experience. Now, I’ve only ever bought their products as gifts, since I tend to use much cheaper items, but they smell amazing. Maybe one day when I have more money to spend, I’ll exclusively only shop here for this kind of stuff.

Anyway, my main point of this is - your hands feel like heaven afterward. Do it up. When I was single, I would get them washed especially before meeting dates and men thought I was, like, Parisian or something my hands were so f-ing soft.

The Old Farmer's Almanac

This is a reference book that is pretty dominant in my life. I primarily use it for the dates and times that it tells you to do certain activities - these times are supposed to be the most advantageous times to do these things. Does that make sense? If I’m unclear explaining the book, maybe it’s better to just go on over here to read about it. 

There’s a website (which is easier to browse as opposed to the book) that is pretty useful, if you’re… what’s a kind word for it… *unique* and you place a lot of value in this kind of stuff. I, unfortunately, do. Thanks to my mother, who has read it for years. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been as into this stuff as I am now if it weren’t for her influence. 

I really only go to the site to see what days I should wax my legs on, since there are specific days when you can cut your hair and it’ll grow less/more depending on what you want and what day it is. If that sounds like witchcraft, well, it sort of is, I suspect. And I don’t know how hardcore I believe in this stuff, but I still do it, so I guess that says it all really. 

For example, the upcoming days you should cut so your hair so it won’t grow quickly are:

March: 5th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 27th, 28th, 31st

April: 1st, 5th, 6th, 27th, 28th, 29th

May: 2nd, 3rd

And there are a ton of other specific dates to do things other than cutting hair, such as the perfect days to go hunting, quit smoking, harvest, buy a home, host a party and even slaughter. There are a few nutty ones like that last one, but I didn’t want to list all the absurb ones ‘cause I thought it would lessen the validity of me telling you, “Hey! Try this! It’s neat!”

But seriously, c’mon, take a look, it’s pretty neat.

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) By Mindy Kaling - Review

Loved it. Duh. 

That really could be my complete analysis of this engaging and lovely-as-fuck little book. No, “little book” sounds condescending. And I won’t (errr, I’ll try not to) taint this post with any sort of hidden envy that is seething through my bones after reading such an extraordinary first book by this woman. (I say “first” book because honestly, if there aren’t more to come in the future, then she’s harming us all. Yes, harming.)

Observations While Reading

• Apparently, I laugh out loud while reading now. New. 
• If I ever meet this woman, I will forcibly make her talk to me about what specific lyrics from Joni Mitchell’s Blue album she loved and why. And I will then discuss mine because that album is magic.
• She mentioned the movie A Fish Called Wanda somewhere (in a very non-important way), and I made a note to watch it because I feel like people were constantly talking about that movie at some point in my life and I’d never seen it. Anyway, just watched it last night. No idea how Kevin Kline won that Oscar. Suck-fest.
• Her chapter about specific, odd things that make her cry? God. I loved reading that almost too much. I want to make a whole book devoted to those things. Infact, that might be an idea.

Here are a few of my favorite parts:

I don’t think it should be socially acceptable for people to say they’re “bad with names.” No one is bad with names. That is not a real thing. Not knowing people’s names isn’t a neurological condition; it’s a choice. You choose not to make learning people’s names a priority. It’s like saying, “Hey, a disclaimer about me: I’m rude.” For heaven’s sake, if you don’t know someone’s name, just pretend you do. Do that thing everyone does, where you vaguely say, “Nice to see you!” and make weak eye contact. 

Without knowing me at all, Gail nicknamed me Minz. I respond very well to people being overly familiar with me a little too soon. It shows effort and kindness. I try to do this all the time. It makes me feel part of a big, familial, Olive Garden-y community.

A note about me: I do not think stress is a legitimate topic of conversation, in public anyway. No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. Going on and on in detail about how stressed out I am isn’t conversation. It’ll never lead anywhere. No one is going to say, “Wow, Mindy, you really have it especially bad. I have heard some stories of stress, but this just takes the cake.”

Why didn’t you talk about whether women are funny or not?

I just felt that by commenting on that in any real way, it would be tacit approval of it as a legitimate debate, which it isn’t. It would be the same as addressing the issue of “Should dogs and cats be able to care for our children? They’re in the house anyway.” I try not to make it a habit to seriously discuss nonsensical hot-button issues.

That last one is my very favorite. Anyway, such a great book. Please read it. I never read (well, rarely) and I read this in a day and just loved it. You can buy it here. 

(Ugh, I wish I didn’t tell you I never read. Fuck, that was stupid. I’m actually trying to make more time for it. It’s just hard sometimes ‘cause of, like, the internet fucking up my time.)

Nathan Macintosh

I like to think that I’m right about a lot of things. Is it because I’m really smart and have a high IQ? Possibly. Could it be that I just know what’s up? Even more likely. 

This man is one of the funniest humans I’ve ever seen and/or known. His new website looks amazing (that main photo? c’mon, that’s gorgeous) and I’d be a fool not to share that with all of you kind little beauties who are currently reading this. I could go on and on about why he’s so talented, but you wouldn’t hear me. Nobody listens to why someone’s funny - you just watch a link and figure it out on your own. So just go watch any of these videos and you’ll see. He also writes great blogs.

There is no personal bias in this post, I assure you. (You really expect me to have a blog and NOT say anything about this man?! Wow. Get real, toad.)

Spa Castle in Queens, NY

I just went to a “bath house” and it was wicked. I’d never gone to one before, so I didn’t really know what to expect. I thought it would mostly be lounging in hot rooms and pretending I was relaxed. What was it actually? TONS OF POOLS! Outdoor ones, ones where you can take your drinks into, ones that have tons of different underwater mechanisms to relax your muscles, etc. There were also a ton of saunas, which I managed to enjoy after a little while. The outdoor pool was the best part of it all, in my opinion. 

The place I went to is in College Point in Queens (Spa Castle), which is probably closest to the last stop on the 7 train (and the place has a shuttle that runs to and from that subway stop). Definitely worth the trip, even if you don’t live near there. 

If you live in New York, and you aren’t currently at this establishment, well, that shocks me. Only because you’d be doing yourself a disservice by not going. It’s $35 for a weekday and $45 on weekends. 

UPDATE: There's a new location opening in Manhattan, you can find more details here. 

Secrets of White Teeth

If you’ve seen me in real life, have you wondered why I have such white teeth? It’s genetics.

(That’d be really funny if the post just ended there.)

Ignoring the fact that I compulsively like to talk about when I’m “being really funny”, the real answer is because of whitening toothpaste and mouthwash. Colgate Optic White, to be precise. The toothpaste and the mouthwash. Over the years, I’ve tried a bunch of different ones but, in my opinion, this one is the cheapest, the best tasting and the most effective. I was going to put a side by side photo comparison of my before teeth and after teeth, but then realized that I have been using this stuff so long that I only have after photos. I know, it’s a hard life.

Also, if you’re reading this and you’re a smoker? Wow. That’s cute. Stop smoking, dummy, and then you can benefit from my inadequate years of experience. 

Mouthwash Tip of The Day:

Don’t pour a whole lot into your mouth when mouthwashing, that’s a waste. Just put, say, less than 1/4 of a cup (why am I using baking measurements? Sorry, but those are the only I know). Anyway, just pour a tiny bit in your mouth, but then swish it around like a madman for double the amount of time it says on the back label (usually about a minute). You’ll go through your mouthwash much slower than you regularly do, but with double the results. 

I know this post sounds like a commercial. Frankly, someone should take these words, make it into a commercial somehow and pay me some money. It’s a great line of products.

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