Essie Apricot Oil & Base Coat

Women who wear nail polish love Essie. That's one of the few universal truths I've learned thus far in life. I, however, do not care for most of their colours. Why? Much too dull for my kind of living. The fact that they don't carry any fluorescent hues is the main reason I tend to steer clear of the brand as a whole.  

Their base coat, though? What a beaut. They have two different base coats available and I use the milky-looking one and love it. What's the difference between the milky one and the clear base coat? Absolutely no idea - and I don't really care to find out considering it took me about three days to finally figure out what the hell "cuticle oil" is even FOR (sidenote: it's for the benefit of your nail beds so they don't get all hard or hangnail-y and using the oil daily also helps manicured nails last longer since the polish is easier to chip if the nail beds are dry). So once I learned that, I used their Apricot Cuticle Oil and it made me feel fresh as hell when I put that junk on. Absolutely their two best products. Definitely buy these, if you're in the market for this kind of thing. 

The Bling Ring - A Review

Don't see it. Why?

• All of the acting was atrocious (with the exception of maybe two actors - and that's two OUT OF A WHOLE CAST).
• Emma Watson's accent will embarrass you and the audience that surrounds you.  My face squinched up every time she had a line, it was excruciating and too far past uncomfortable.
• Other than the robbing, absolutely nothing happens. There's no story. Really - none at all. I don't really understand how it came to be a full length movie since there's so little going on at all times.  
• The script is awful. All of it. Somehow it shocks me that notable people read it and gave it the go ahead.  

Those points don't convey what I'm trying to say. I think I was just excited to see it 'cause it was Sofia Coppola and it's been three years since her last movie - but the lesson has been learned, world. God, what a piece of trash.  

The 10 Best End-of-School Movies

I've been out of high school for what feels like an eternity and yet I still have an affinity for watching these movies this time of year. Is it because I loved and really miss high school? God no, absolutely not. It’s because I remember watching some of these when I was in middle school and really, really anticipating my high school years and hoping they’d be something like these movies. They were not. But that’s cool, ‘cause, as it tends to, life gets a lot better once you turn 21. In so many respects. But that’s another post. 

You may not agree with some of these choices since, you know, you’re a human with opinions of your own, so be forewarned. 

With Honors

10. With Honors

Considering that I haven’t seen this movie in over twenty years, it still deserves to be list-worthy. When I was a kid I was bold enough to list it as my favourite movie up until I was twelve years old. I feel like Joe Pesci was really hoping for this to be the role he'd be remembered for (maybe I'm way off on that), and he made quite an impression on me at the time. I saw this and thought, “That man’s an actor.” He couldn’t be greater. Brendan Fraser's in it, too. I don't know why I told you that, though. That helps nothing here. 

Pretty In Pink

9. Pretty In Pink

Now this is really on the list 'cause of James Spader. Look at that man. What a dick and what a dreamboat. I saw this movie when I was nine and it was the first time I thought, “God, he's such an asshole... but I could probably change him, though.” So that's memorable for me and made it even more enjoyable. (Sidenote: I never understood why any teen boy was ever into Molly Ringwald. I always thought it was 'cause of her adorable name 'Molly' but then abandoned that idea since boys seemed to care more about thinness and boobs and not how precious a girl's name was?) 

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

8. Fast Times at Ridgemont High

I saw this when I was probably too young, but will cherish it forever. That moment when Judge Reinhold is dreaming about Phoebe Cates taking her swimsuit off? Christ. I was just a kid, but that was intense for anyone who saw it. Also, all the abortion stuff in the movie? That was pretty risqué for me to see at such a tender age, so that made me love it even more. The one thought that I remember having after seeing this at the time? "All those kids are having sex too young. Where the hell are their parents?" I also remember thinking, "Sean Penn doesn't seem like a good actor, I hope he has other skills."

Adventureland

7. Adventureland

I can't really pinpoint why I liked this one so much. Maybe 'cause it seems so hard to do an end-of-school movie that's actually good nowadays? Maybe that's what impressed me? Or maybe it's 'cause Kristen Wiig can do no wrong and Bill Hader is perfect. They should've had way more screen time. 

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

6. Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Everything about this movie makes me happy. Cameron, the reckless driving, the sneakiness, the fancy lunch, the shitty sister, the pool, the dancing, the parade, all of it. Just makes me feel good inside. I've been waiting for the day that I can find a replica of Sloane Peterson's jacket so I can complete the finest Halloween costume that no one will ever get (those shorts were surprising easy to find).

Police Academy 2

5. Police Academy 2

Now this one definitely does not fall into the aforementioned category, I'm aware. Why am I including it? Only because I would watch this movie and the beautiful sequels almost every other day during any of my summers off school. It's hard to remember why I found them so entertaining, to be honest. It was probably their image of what "the city" was like. So rugged, so dangerous. To this day, they make me immensely happy. I think we've all been searching for our Sgt. Mahoney. Guttenberg was/is a gem. Did you see him on Party Down? Just great.

Can't Hardly Wait

4. Can't Hardly Wait

All right, all right, I know what you're thinking. But have you seen this movie? Did you see it when it came out? 'Cause it's still great. Maybe I'm swayed by my brother thinking that this was the greatest thing to come out of the nineties, or maybe in time you'll see how good this movie actually was. Ethan Embry just looks like a puppy in it, does that make sense? How is that a bad thing? Just sweet as hell. 

Jack

3. Jack

This is my absolute favourite Francis Ford Coppola movie. Say what you will and cast your judgements - Robin Williams is perfection in this movie. PERFECTION. Love, love, love. And young Jennifer Lopez? Yikes. Too hot.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

2. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

I love this movie intimately. Definitely better than Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. Why? No idea. Just watched it a billion times as a child and fell in love with the Robbi Rob song "In Time" that's on the soundtrack. Also, the story is original as hell (or it was to a child’s mind). My brother recently told me that he thought of the perfect way that someone should propose to me.  (Is that normal? It's fine, we're just close.) He said that the man should play that song in the movie for me and strum his hands in the air à la Bill & Ted in this scene, and then say, "Let's be excellent to each other." ...And my mouth fucking DROPPED at how perfect an idea that was. In reality, I don't actually want that, but what a brilliant idea. Maybe if I marry Keanu Reeves - yeah, that'd be amazing in that case.

Dazed & Confused

1. Dazed & Confused

If this is an obvious choice for number one, well, good! I hope it is! There is no other option, in my opinion. I make sure to watch this every single June, I love it. Makes me feel young again. Maybe it's that Aerosmith song that makes it perfect - or maybe it's because it forces me to remember the incomparable Nicky Katt from Boston Public. Whatever it is, just a fine piece of movie right here. 

Please don't raise your voice at the fact that movies like American Pie or Ghost World didn't make the cut.  You want to include them on your list? Go ahead! I'd love to hear what you got and why. (Edit note: Sorry about being rough on Brendan Fraser. Don't know where that came from.)

2024 UPDATE: I might need to make this post a top 11 list instead of 10 because it’s a sin that Booksmart isn’t mentioned. Absolutely great movie.

Epic - A Review

I just saw Epic with my seven year old niece, Layla. Here are some thoughts.

Thoughts After Seeing The Trailer

• Did that girl’s dad shrink her down ‘cause he’s a scientist? 'Cause Honey, I Shrunk The Kids is a classic and if kids today haven't seen that movie... well, that's a damn shame and I blame the parents.
• Wait, is Beyonce’s character white, just with a wicked tan? 
• I will forever love red haired main characters. No reason for that - really, no reason! I just like it so much more than plain Jane brown haired ones or too bright blondes. Animated red hair just makes my eyes smile.  
• Fuck, this is the second Owl City song I like. If there's a third, that's gonna be rough to deal with.
  
• The line: “Just because you haven’t seen something doesn’t mean it’s not there” – already been used, buds. The Santa Clause. With the incomparable Tim Allen. 

Thoughts After Seeing The Movie

• Everyone, young and old, likes Aziz Ansari.
• Happy to realize that the dad didn't infact shrink her down. What did cause that? Beyonce's magic. Okay, cool. 
• Kids really like to have conversations with you during movies. And I think I really like it. Just 'cause, like, they're not trying to be dicks or anything - they just have thoughts they needa get out, so they use their normal speaking voice to let you hear them. Lotta respect for that.
• Amanda Seyfried sounds identical to Zooey Deschanel at times.   
• Okay, maybe I'm way out of line here, but I feel like the people over at Blue Sky Studios really wanted me to come out of the theatre with an overwhelming urge to serve my country. The whole movie reminded me of that Simpsons episode where Bart joins a boy band that secretly is trying to enlist kids to join the Navy. In Epic, the whole leaf men storyline of them being protectors of the forest? And how no one is alone if there's someone fighting next to them? Are we kidding here? Just a theory, but come on. It was weird. 

All in all, not the worst, and not the best. Layla enjoyed it, so that's all I need at this point. And I had no choice but to see it in 3D. Still no love for that "feature", but that's a whole other topic. Carry on with your day. Thanks for reading.

(Sidenote: I will sincerely and dearly love Mr. Tim Allen probably for the remainder of my days. Man’s dynamite.)

Frances Ha - (Not Really) A Review

Not sure I can call this a review since all I really want to say is: GO SEE IT!  

It's really good! And I was in a terrible mood before having seen it, too! So that's gotta mean something if it was able to pull me out of my misery. It was charming and so well written, please go see it.  

Edit note: From now on, I will not call eager suggestions "reviews" in the future. 

Crêpe Cake at Lady M in NYC

I've tasted heaven and it comes in the form of crêpes.  Twenty crêpes, to be precise. Twenty, paper-thin, chocolate crêpes that are ensconced in a pastry cream that's infused with banana, to be even more precise. This is the Chocolate-Banana Mille Crêpe cake that I ate today at Lady M in The Plaza Food Hall and it is finer than 95% of the cakes I've had in all of my time on this planet.

Also, relevant fact of the day? I hate crêpes. I feel like they have the texture of what skin would taste like. Always thought that. Never saw the appeal of them. Even now, I'll still never be that woman who drags her boyfriend to some crêperie for a charming night out. Gross. But this cake? Fucking nuts. So tasty. This is the one exception I will ever make.  

A slice will set you back $8, and a whole cake runs for $80. Now, if you're a human with a normal understanding of budgets and common sense, I understand that $80 is ludicrous to pay for one, lone cake. I wouldn't dare spend that much on something that I could possibly eat whole in under five minutes. But you? Maybe you're loftier than I. Or perhaps you're just living a fuller life than most, in which case - go buy this cake. Lady M has two locations in New York, but this flavour is only available at The Plaza location. Eat this, man. Eat it now. 

Jennifer Faylor

Buttons

by Jennifer Faylor

When she loves someone it’s the worst— they wake each morning to find a new button sewn to their jacket, until one day they’re covered in brightly colored bits of plastic and metal, the occasional pearl button swimming with city light. Her lovers never want to hurt her feelings, so they walk around all day looking ridiculous, constantly getting entangled with peoples scarves, dangling necklaces, loose hair. Then, they return home to her every evening with bits of the world still affixed.

People often ask why she’s sewn so many useless buttons to her dresses and sweaters. She tells them they aren’t useless. No, there’s an opening in the world where one of those buttons will fit perfectly someday. There’ll be a perfect man out there with a hole inside him just big enough for one of those buttons

She dreams of having a little girl, of naming her Coco. A name with buttonholes already built in, so people could hook their loving fingers into her, pull her out of sadness if she fell in. Even the idea of bearing a child seems simply a process of buttoning and unbuttoning another body from herself.

They are more useful than people understand. If someone inside her apartment is very, very sad, wants to jump out the window, she buttons them to the drapes so they have time to think about things. Or if someone who loves her wants to leave, she buttons them to the floor.

If you ask her why she has buttons everywhere, she will place a button in her mouth and kiss you. If you tell her you love her, she will swallow that button whole, never let it go.

That is one of my favourite pieces by the ridiculously talented Jennifer Faylor. Just a beautiful writer. 

The above was taken from here. 

And you can purchase her newly published work, The Case of the Missing Lover, through Dancing Girl Press. 

The Greatly Disappointing Gatsby - A Review

I didn’t hate The Great Gatsby. And I know that a lot of my reviews tend to get really angry really quickly, so I'm not gonna go crazy over-analyzing this one. But here are some things that bothered me:

• No way you can play a 32 year old anymore, Leo. No way. 
• Tobey Maguire. Yeah, just his essence bothered me. How has he lasted as an actor? He has one face! You know the face! This face! 

And that's it! There are no other expressions! I don’t understand why people keep putting him in movies. He’s like a houseplant or something – just someone who sort of hangs out near other stuff happening. 

• There were lots of really corny parts, especially that first "reveal" of Leonardo DiCaprio’s face at the party.
• Hated the way lines from the novel were plastered across the screen. Hated that so much.  
• Also, in almost all of their scenes together, I kept thinking that Gatsby and Nick Carraway were about point three seconds away from some hardcore making out. Which would've be great. Just the tension of it all was way too overacted and weird.  
• TOO. LONG. 

And yeah, the clothing and set design were great. But that's it. I heard some teenage girls leaving the theatre afterward and they loved it. So maybe this just wasn’t a movie that I was supposed to enjoy? That’s probably it. 

Anyway, suckfest.

Running Or How I Learned To Grow Up And Become Healthier

All right, I run. I know I don't seem like a runner, but I am. It's definitely a relatively new thing, since I only started about a year ago. And it's not like I've always hated running, I'm actually really fast (well, really fast at night... I know that seems like it doesn't make sense, but really, something about the night makes me run faster).

Why did I want to start to run? Well, I never used to exercise at all. Really, it never happened. I would fake sprain my ankle for every single track tournament we had at school, so I wouldn't have to move an inch. I got a year-long YMCA pass when I was 16 with my best friend Harmeet and every time we went, we'd spend thirty minutes in the "warm-up" room and then go five feet outside of the Y exit to get some TCBY. That yogurt is still the best in the world. So now that I'm a full-fledged adult, I need to do stuff like this - and running is the easiest, non-invasive thing to get into. Eventually I'm sure I'll get a gym pass, but for now this is the best thing with the least amount of effort that I can bring myself to care about.

Tips That I've Learned About Running

• If you run on a treadmill and you don't want to lose your ass, then make sure you set it at an incline (read about that here, and all that whole piece is so true)
• People seem 10% impressed to hear that you're a runner
• You can run for longer periods of time (without strain) if you use replacement insoles

What kind of soles? I've tried Dr. Scholl's Active Series ones and they're pretty magical. They're only $20 or so and I've taken them out and used them in different shoes when I need to. They feel ridiculously more comfortable than just the default insoles. 

I was recently at an event where I got to work out with Dolvett Quince (the celebrity personal trainer from The Biggest Loser, who was a sincere delight and is amazing as what he does) and I used these insoles. And to be honest, I figured I'd have some problems since I broke my foot last year - but they felt great against my feet. Sidenote: have you ever worked out with a personal trainer before? Go do it. This was my second time (my first time I threw up in the bathroom in the middle of the session, but that was mostly from nervousness, I think - nervousness and excessive movement) and this time, well, it was exhausting, but a tolerable amount of exhausting. But my feet could handle it all, which is my main point here. 

You are not better than new insoles. They are better than you. Try these out to see what I mean. 

*Special thanks to Haasan Morse at Morse Code PR for inviting me to work out with Dolvett.

Trader Joe's Coconut Body Butter

If I were a celebrity, I’m pretty sure the only thing I would endorse is body butter. We all benefit from body butter. It is cream’s cooler, older brother. If you haven’t tried it, I'd encourage you to give it a whirl. 

While I am a fan of the specialty stores that sell it (mainly The Body Shop), I am not a fan of their ridiculous prices. An eight ounce container can go for north of $20. For one container. And in the past, I would pay that! I foolishly thought that was the only way. NO MORE! 

This Trader Joe’s body butter is definitely as good, if not better, than anything at The Body Shop. And it’s eons cheaper. And it also doesn’t leave that oily residue that I’ve experienced with other, more expensive butters. 

Seriously, give it a go. And just as a sidenote: it’s way more fun to say I’m “buttering myself up” as opposed to “lotioning myself up,” just rolls off the tongue easier. 

It’s $12 on Amazon. And it’s $5 at Trader Joe’s.