Henry: Wow, he doesn’t use commas when he talks.
Henry: Is Tom Hanks handicapped in real life?
Henry: Their house is huge.
Henry: I can’t believe Elvis stole his moves, gave him no credit. Not cool.
Henry: Is he going to sit on that bench and tell this story for the whole movie?
Henry: His braces broke off his legs and he’s a normal kid, running? He just left Jenny? Shouldn’t he be tired of running?
Henry: Oh man he joins the ARMY!? WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT!?
Henry: This Bubba guy is awesome, but he’s gonna die. In every army movie the first friend the main character meets, dies. Poor Bubba’s gonna die.
Henry: Oh my god, I love Bubba and this shrimp stuff.
Henry: Jenny is in Playboy? Is this a stripper show? She’s totally a stripper.
Henry: Jenny you can’t outrun a bullet. She told him to run.
Henry: YES. WAR SCENES. FINALLY. Why doesn’t Forrest have the cool gun?
Henry: Man, Vietnam would have been fun… until you had to go out and fight and die.
Henry: His platoon leader is just like my teacher. “Sit down. Shut up.”
Henry: I love Bubba.
Henry: I love how Forrest talks.
Henry: OH NO JENNY IS A HIPPIE.
Henry: Knew it. Is Bubba dead?
Henry: Was Forrest the only one who made it out, standing? Hey, this is what you have to do in Call of Duty. When you’re being carried out, you need to pull out a handgun.
Henry: Oh Bubba isn’t good. Man. I knew it. He died. Everyone’s best friend always gets shot.
Henry: Why would lieutant Dan rather be dead than get prosthetics? That’s dumb.
[Sal walks in]
Sal: Do hippies work? At all?
Henry: Dick Clark was so young then. He’s old now. He’s dead.
Henry: Jenny is so stupid.
Henry: Wait. BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP?!?! IS THIS A TRUE STORY?!
Sal: I like that the Apple symbol used to be rainbow.
Henry: I’d never cut grass for free.
Sal: Jenny is a mess.
Henry: Jenny is a mess.
Henry: He’s going to be really depressed now.
Sal: Jenny is terrible.
Henry: “His daddy’s name is Forrest? Just like me?” He’s an idiot.
Henry: Is it over? I want to know more about his cute little kid.
Sal: SEQUEL. That’s my new favorite movie.
Mom Says
If you eat from a pot, it will rain on your wedding day.
This back cover of a Smashing Pumpkins album will forever stand as the only tattoo I would ever want to get. Where would I want it? Full back. Like, full back. Of course it’ll never happen, since I don’t think I’d want it there for life. But if it’s ever possible to make your own fake tattoos, then this will be my pièce de résistance for approximately one week or so (or, you know, however long fake ones last).
Love, love, love this image so much.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”
Fury of the Day
Dear Construction Workers of the past, present and future,
If I drive past your work area where there are roads and/or lanes being blocked off with construction tape/pylons/what-have-you, with the intention of, you know, construction work being done - then, please oh please, BE FUCKING WORKING AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME.
When I see an area guarded off due of construction and whole lanes of cars getting screwed by empty areas with NO CONSTRUCTION ACTIVITY going on and thus CREATING TRAFFIC, and notice there isn’t work being done at that second?! Fuck you. Just fuck you to hell. You’re a piece of dirt, construction industry. This is why people hate you. ‘Cause you don’t give a shit about anyone. You’re purposely screwing tons of people with your ANTICIPATION of work being done and it’s bullshit. Go to hell.
Edit note: Sorry. This was just on my mind today. And is on my mind often. I, in no way, hate all construction workers. Just the industry. I feel like at some point in time, we all come up with a certain career we hate. Like how my dad will always hate firefighters (his words: “What do they do all day?! Nothing.”) and one of my brothers will always hate tow truck drivers, no matter what (“It’s unfair that they think they own the road. No one’s allowed to run stop signs, jerks.”).
Ban Toddlers From Any Screens, Please (link) →
I read this a few months ago and started sending it to all my friends with kids or those who were about to have kids - why? I don’t know, ‘cause when I see a baby staring at an iPad IT FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT, for some reason. It just shouldn’t… be. And it makes no sense whatsoever. I don’t care if there are games specifically AIMED at these children, no. Just no. Give them a fucking rattle or something. PLEASE.
Love, Lucy By Lucille Ball - A Review
Lucille Ball seems like she was probably the hardest working actress of all time, based on this book. If you’ve ever really liked the woman or got any sort of joy out of any of her shows, this is a great one to read. I was hoping that it would be lots of small, funny stories about instances in her life - and while there were a few stories like that, the piece really centers around more of the hardships and just her account of growing up and becoming such a success.
There were a lot of memorable parts, so I’ll list a few of them here:
Lucille Ball’s daughter recounting a memory of her mother:
“One of my mother’s favorite things to do, when a small group of people were involved in some ordinary conversation, was to wait until one of them left the room and as soon as she returned, blurt out, convincingly, “Here she is now! Why don’tcha tell her to her face?!!” This was always followed by frozen silence, and then she’d howl (with that depth-of-the-sea laugh she had) to see the look on the poor soul’s face, who for one horrible moment thought someone had been saying terrible things about her while she was gone.”
Lucille Ball’s daughter talking about her parents after their deaths:
“Oddly, in some ways, after all these years, life goes on as if they were still here; simply off somewhere, on location perhaps, and unable to get to a phone.”
Lucy talking about being a teenager:
“All the local kids got summer jobs at the amusement park; I was hired as a short-order cook at a hamburger stand. I took my job seriously and loved earning the money. “Look out! Look out! Don’t step there!” I’d suddenly holler at some person passing by, and as he stopped, startled, one foot in midair and looking worriedly at the ground, I’d continue: “Step over here and get yourself a de-licious hamburger!” This mesmerized a lot of people into buying, and incidentally, they were darn good hamburgers.”
Lucy talking about Carole Lombard:
“She was so elegant; her clothes looked as if they had been poured on her.”
Lucy advice:
“Dr. Peale helped me realize that our professional achievements are secondary; the important thing in life is our relationship with other human beings. It’s not what we set out to get, but how we go about the daily task of living.”
The woman just seemed incredible. Such a beauty, too. If you’d be interested in reading it, you can most likely get a copy at your library since it came out in ‘97, or you can purchase it here.
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“I will always silently and secretly laugh at all women over the age of 18 who wear bras with clear plastic straps. Don’t do it. Clear does not mean invisible. We can all see the straps. You look foolish.”
Shake Shack Burgers
There is no other burger that tastes like these burgers. If you find yourself in NYC, Connecticut, Florida, Washington, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania or parts of the UK, Middle East or Turkey - seek it out. And eat the hell out of one of these burgers.
Some people think it’s the patty that makes it amazing - I would suggest that its glory comes from the potato bun. Those buns are too soft. Too dainty. Too fucking tasty. I really can’t say enough good things about these burgers. They make you want to live. (Edit note: not actually. They will definitely kill you if you overindulge over many years, don’t do that.)
Just go, all right? One of the very best I’ve ever ever ever had. The lineups are worth it. If you go with someone who’s all, “This line is too long, it can’t be worth it!” - I can only advise you to spit upon that person and say, “Good day.” These burgers are definitely worth waiting for.