Notable Mini Golf Places Across North America

by Liz Heather in

I love mini golf. I'm not good at it or anything, not even slightly all right. But the act of playing it has always made me happy. Something to do with the lightheartedness of the courses, I suspect. Anyhow, here are some amazing courses that I would dream of playing on. 

Forewarning: this list is going to seem pretty excessive. But you know how when you start something fun and then you can't stop until your head starts to hurt? That's what happened here. I don't even care that much for mini golf (okay, maybe I do...). Or maybe it's just fun to do mini-projects that effectively don't matter... yes? Anyhow, here is a list of mini golf places I would thoroughly enjoy visiting one day. (Click on each photo to see more photos.)

1. Professor Hacker’s Lost Treasure Golf – (locations in South Carolina, Oregon, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Tennessee (this lacation has the insane Gold Course), and North Carolina)

  • Has a pirate ship, an airplane and a ton of caves (that you play through)

  • To get to the beginning of the course you ride a mining train to the top of the hill (!)

2. Around The World in 18 Holes (Lake George, New York)

  • Each hole represents a different nation

3. Ahlgrim’s Acres (Palatine, Illinois)

  • It’s an actual funeral home with a free round of mini-golf at their mortuary-themed course with every standard funeral package. This sounds crazy. I can’t even tell if I mean crazy/great or crazy/nuts.

4. Ripley’s Old MacDonald’s Farm and Mini Golf (Sevierville, Tennessee)

  • 18-hole course with animatronic farm animals that moo, bark, and cluck

5. Mayday Golf (Myrtle Beach, South Carolina)

  • A golf course version of the abandoned tropical island on Lost, basically

6. Par-King Skill (Suburb of Chicago, Illinois)

  • Features an elaborate roller-coaster hole made out of over 750 wood pieces, and a Sears Tower hole

  • Obviously the best name of a mini putt course

  • Once referred to as the Taj Majal of miniature golf

  • Has rotating holes

  • Has a roulette hole!

  • There is one hole where you putt into the center, and your ball foes up the elevator and them comes out at the top of a loop-de-loop!!

  • Today, the miniature golf course houses several unique wooden figures and mechanical objects, including a moving clown and an incredible wooden roller-coaster

  • Seems AMAZING

7.  Timber Creek (outside Toronto, ON)

  • Rushing waterfalls, turning sawmills

  • 19 holes with a lighthouse, shipwreck and lookout tower all set up off a boardwalk overlooking a pond

8. Vic Hadfield’s Mini Putt (Oakville, ON)

  • All the holes are named after NHL hockey players and the final hole is all set up like a hockey rink and if you sink the puttthrough a goalies legs who stands in a regulation net, the red light will go off

 

9. Dolphin Mini Golf (Boothbay, Maine)

  • Full size lighthouse

  • This place even has tournaments (like in that Simpsons episode! Isn’t that adorable? Yes, that is adorable.)

  • Completely surrounded by lakes and streams

 

10. Disney’s Winter Summerland (Orlando, Florida) 

  • There are two distinct golf courses contained within the Winter Summerland course, one with a snow theme and one with a sand theme

 

11. Pirate Island Golf (Avalon, New Jersey)

  • Featuring talking pirates, cascading waterfalls, and pirate ships

 

12. Goofy Golf (Panama City Beach, Florida)

  • One of the oldest mini golfs in the world

13. Hawaiian Rumble (Myrtle Beach, South Carolina)

  • The centerpiece is a huge volcano which makes the ground tremble and causes flames to erupt every 20 minutes

 

14. Skokies Sports Park

  • Okay, this is a kid’s course – BUT after you hit your ball at one of the holes, you get to slide down a slide to get to it – and uh, that’s incredible

  • And then there’s another hole where you’re supposed to putt it in the water, and then there’s a strong current and your ball gets washed upon shore (where the green is!)

 

15. Mini Golf On A Roof (Igualada, Spain)

  • It’s on a fucking roof!

 

I've also included some single photos of just some wicked/crazy looking holes. So cool. 

 

Annoyance of the Day - Lottery Tickets as Gifts

by Liz Heather in

I like to think that I'm good at choosing gifts for people. If I don't come up with the right gift for you on your actual birthday (and we're the sort of friends where gift giving is the norm), then you will receive your gift at some point within that birthday year. Always. And it will usually be quite good. Now, while I cannot pass that desirable quality along to you - I can tell you what gift not to give anyone, ever...

Lottery tickets. Or scratch cards. OF ANY KIND. 

Why? So many reasons. 

1. You would never buy a bag of Doritos or a pack of cigarettes as a present for anyone (hopefully, God, you wouldn't), so you should be human enough to know that something bought at a cashier's register is not a gift. 

2. In doing this, I know for a fact that you thought about what my "gift" would be about three seconds after you left your front door to come see me... WHICH IS WEAK. 

3. Not only are you not giving an object or experience or smile or even a goddam HUG as a gift - you're giving me the CHANCE of winning a lot of money?! Wow. Just wow. Gonna aim to remember that sentiment forever, bud.

4. I may be wrong here, but don't the people who buy and enjoy scratch cards LIKE picking out the cards themselves? Like, for luck or whatever? So even if someone LIKES this awful gift, you're still taking the fun out of letting them CHOOSE the damn card/s themselves. Wonderful.

5. If, infact, you DO give this as a gift - it can only go two bloody ways:

Option A

The ticket loses. And thus, you have given someone trash as a birthday gift. Just a worthless piece of garbage. 

Option B

The ticket wins. And then what? What the hell is the etiquette there? Do I get to keep all of the money? I didn't buy the ticket, I didn't even ask for the ticket. But surely there's some kind of unwritten code here. If I win $5, does that mean I get the whole $5? What if it's for $5000? If someone gave me a lottery ticket or scratch game and it won $5000, I would have to be the most impolite cretin alive to not give that "gift-giver" at least a percentage of my winnings. But what percentage?! We haven't agreed on anything upfront! How the hell am I supposed to decide what amount is appropriate?! You are making my life miserable by making me answer these questions. And I don't care how nice a person this gift-giver is, they are for sure gonna resent the hell out of me winning that money. So great, now I have an enemy. DO YOU SEE WHAT A BAD IDEA THIS WAS?! Nobody should be put through all of this.

Anyway, worst gift idea ever. Even as a stocking stuffing. Hate it so much. PUT MORE THOUGHT INTO GIFTS, EVERYONE.

(Sidenote: What are appropriate stocking stuffers? Fucking apples, oranges, a bite-sized Snickers and maybe a few Kool-Aid packets. Always hated those damn kids who got fucking CDs in their damn stockings. CDS ARE PROPER GIFTS.) 

 

The Racetrack at Belmont Park

by Liz Heather in

“Can’t I just bet that all the horses will have a fun time?”
— Marge

Looking for things to do in the summer? Go to the track! I went over the weekend with my friend Jenn and we had a lovely time. Tip for the future? Bring your own food/drinks in a cooler. That way you have more money for bets. And also, $18 for a dank fast food meal is ludicrous. 

How'd we do? I lost a bit at first, then won it all back and Jenn won a bunch throughout the day. Honestly, all the yelling at the horses/jockeys is the best part. And if you're looking to meet newly single, middle-aged men? Then go no further, I have found the place for you.  

Oh, and one other thing? Never bet on someone to "place" (ie. never bet on someone to come in second place). Why? We decided that it seems too mean. Vote for a winner!

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