Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler - A Review

Note: I've never seen Chelsea Handler's show (or stand up) before, so there's basically no bias whatsoever in this review. 

With the exception of the chapter about her "mini me," I enjoyed this book! Some of my favourite parts ahead.

• "I have a very hard time maintaining my composure when I see anyone cry. It only takes a few seconds for me to start crying, too." I think I liked this line so much because, personally, I love criers. To anyone over the age of 30 who's comfortable with crying - I'm a big fan of you. It's hard to say why, really. I guess it has to do with the fact that criers are so comfortable with it in a world where we're all told constantly to stop crying. Also, I'm a crier. So I have to like criers.
• "Being in jail was similar to being in a hospital bed: You're fine until you see or speak to someone from your family, and then you completely lose your shit."
• "This woman/killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny."
• Honestly, the whole chapter about her being in jail was my favourite part of the book. Partially because it's so interesting to hear about, but also because she describes it so vividly.

Also, remember how I have that new words document that I'm constantly adding to? Well, any time I read a new book, there are usually a ton of words I didn't know the meanings of. So if anyone cares, the words from this book that were added to my list of new words were: egalitarian, alacrity, unctuously and effusive. I usually don't include those in these books reviews, but I thought that I should start since you might not have known these words either. And if you already did? I guess we know who's better than whom. (And if I used that "whom" in the wrong context, you can go right to hell.)

Fifteen - Taylor Swift

I took my niece Tianna to her first concert years ago and it was to see Taylor Swift. I'd never really heard any of her songs at that point, but this one was the main one she did that stood out that night. I know it's kind of lame for a definitely-not-fifteen-year-old to love this song, but I tried to fight it for years before giving in. It's so goddam catchy. And the line, "Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday but I realized some bigger dreams of mine"?! C'mon, that's gold. 

In any case, I know this song's old and everyone knows it already, but it's literally still on my iPod and I love it to pieces.

Lenny & Carl

I know I'll never get a tattoo, but can someone I love please just get this one so I can look it all the time in real life?

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I've seen so many good Simpsons tattoos on people, but this one is definitely my favourite.

I've tried to find out who designed it so I can credit them here and bow down to them eternally for creating it, but I haven't had any luck. If I do find out, I'll be sure to update this. 

“If you’d like your nail polish colour to pop, after you put on a base coat put on a layer of white nail polish and then the coloured polish on top of the white.”

Fury of the Day - Rain Boot Rage

No one wants wet feet. That's a universal truth, right? So by this logic, we all need to own a pair of rain boots. (Small sidenote: do men buy rain boots? Is that a thing? I've never seen them wearing them, if I really think about it. Is it 'cause they don't look manly? Fishermen wear them and they're a pretty manly type of man. Where the hell are all the men in rain boots? Does being a man mean that you just have a to endure bad weather with disgustingly wet feet all the time? Ugh. Well, I'm not a man, so I can't speak on this further. But if that is the case, men need to unite and make that not a thing. Dry feet for all!)

Worst Attributes of Rain Boots

1. They look childish. All of them. And it doesn't matter if the brand is Hunter or Dirty Laundry, they all look like you're on your way to a school bus. And there's no way to create an upscale boot since you're always going to have to work with rubber. Fucking rubber. 
2. Blisters. Everyone gets blisters from rain boots since your feet slide around so much inside of them. And I know what you're going to say, but maybe I don't want to wear two pairs of socks with grips on them! Next to wet feet, hot feet are absolutely disgusting.
3. Unless you have an umbrella, rain still falls into the top of the boot when you're walking! Why the hell am I working so hard to keep my feet dry from the puddles on the ground when all of this is going to go to hell anyway since the sky rain is going to flood my boots and screw me?!

Not a rain boot, but I still feel her rage.

Why the hell has the rain boot design not changed in the last hundred years? Why is no one working on a better boot? SOMEONE WORK ON A BETTER BOOT!

My Nephew In A Commercial!

My nephew, Camden, is in a Luvs commercial! He's the second kid (Lucas) and he's adorable as hell in it.

Mom Says

“Put salt on the doorstep of a new house and no evil can enter.”

Tiny Dogs Who Think They're Big

Other than my mom and Ma, am I the last person on earth who still kind of enjoys AFV? If you don't know what that stands for, I'm not telling you and you're not better than me. 

“I know that the thing under my bed doesn’t exist. But I also know that if I keep my feet under the blanket, it won’t grab my ankle.”

— Stephen King

The Queen's Changing Portraits

The Queen aging over time via banknotes.

Can’t believe I’ve never noticed this on Canadian money before! One more reason to love this woman.