Mom Says

“If you walk around while you comb your hair, your husband will die before you.”

Why Not Me? by Mindy Kaling - Review

(Of course Mindy Kaling names this book after the thought that I often have when comparing myself constantly to this wonder of a woman: Why Not Me?)

All right, obvously I enjoyed it - just not as much as I thought I would, but a pretty decent amount. Her first book was so alarmingly charming and great, so it makes sense that it would be hard to top. Don't get me wrong, though, this one's definitely a great read. The main different between this one and her first one? Why Not Me? felt way more intimate, if that makes any sense. I know that both books are about her and her life, but this one just felt way more personal in terms of her day-to-day life. Here were my favourite parts:

"I'm the kind of person who becomes silent when I get scared, because I hope Death will not notice me if I am very still and very quiet."

"A heartfelt hug coming from a straight man who has spent the evening drinking with you is like him buying a billboard in Times Square that says I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU."

The whole chapter (around page 192) concerning her body image comments is fantastic. I loved it all. I could list some great lines here, but I started to and they were a' plenty. So just go read that chapter (like, at the book store, if you're too cheap to get it).

"No food is as delicious as food you can eat standing a foot away from a trash can."

Maybe the best paragraph of the book: "If you've got it, flaunt it. And if you don't got it? Flaunt it. 'Cause what are we even doing here if we're not flaunting it?"

In the paragraph about the thoughts that keep her awake at night, one thought listed made me laugh a lot: "What if that commenter on the message boards who posts constantly that I'm an "ugly fat Indian girl who looks like a turd" is someone I know socially?" and another one listed that was so sweet: "Is my father lonely? Would he tell me if he was?"

Mom Says

“A white moth inside the house or trying to enter the house means death.”

Mom Says

“You must hold your breath while going past a cemetery or you will breathe in the spirit of someone who has recently died.”

Mom Says

“If a mirror in the house falls and breaks by itself, someone in the house will die soon.”

Mom Says

“Three seagulls flying together, directly overhead, are a warning of death soon to come.”

Mom Says

“A person who dies on Good Friday will go right to heaven.”

This Urn Will Turn You Into A Tree After You Die

"The Bios Urn is 100% biodegradable, made of coconut shell, compacted peat, and cellulose. It has two parts — a top capsule for the seed, and a bottom part for the ashes. This structure allows the seed to germinate separated from the ashes and their high acidity. Once the urn starts to biodegrade, the seed roots are already strong enough to contact them and the entire set becomes part of the sub-soil.

The urn is manufactured both for people and for pets; it can be used with ash saved from another urn, and it doesn’t expire. So far, the studio has distributed the urn to more than 7,000 people worldwide. When ordering, the customers can pick the type of seed they would like — oak, maple, pine, gingko, beech, ash, or choose to get an urn without a seed in order to use their own. Either way, the cost is $145 plus shipping."

Whoa.

“Bios Urn changes the way people see death, converting the ‘end of life’ into a transformation and a return to life through nature. [It is] a smart, sustainable, and ecologically friendly way to approach what’s, probably, one of the most important moments in human life.”

My favourite part? You can choose what kind of tree! Imagine seeing forests instead of graveyards? Isn't that a crazy better idea? Also, is it just me or is it way more comforting (and the opposite of sad) to visit someone in the woods than in a cemetery? THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EVER.

I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This and Other Things That Strike Me as Funny by Bob Newhart - A Review

(Before I begin, I should tell you that I'm fighting the urge to be really negative about this book. Why am I fighting that urge? I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause I'm sure that Bob Newhart is a nice man. And also, I think I'm of the opinion that this book really isn't aimed at my demographic so maybe there was no chance in hell I'd ever have liked it.)

That being said, I intensely disliked this book. If you enjoy hearing the routines (in detailed length) of older comedians' bits, then you'll definitely want to read this. I do not. Nor will I ever. I'm also a fan of memoirs that go a little deeper into the mind of the writer/performer - and this one did no such thing, I thought. And that's fine! That's not his style, I guess. But God, it was a really hard read. 

There, of course, were a few things that I did enjoy and I'll list them now.

• "I've found that fights in marriage are generally about something other than the topic you are arguing over."

• "Comedy can help us make it past something very painful, like death. Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event over which we have no control, deal with it, and then move on with our lives."

That's it. Those are the only parts I liked and/or want to remember. And maybe that makes sense 'cause I'm not an over-70 year old, white man. This book isn't for me! I get that now.

In any case, I'm glad it's over. All I can really say about it is that he's certainly no Martin Short.

You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.

I Must Say: My Life As a Humble Comedy Legend by Martin Short - A Review

Is it stupid to say that I wanted to read this book solely because I wanted to hear a lot of Clifford talk? And while there certainly were a couple little juicy Clifford tidbits that made me smile (four, to be exact), I’m so glad I picked up this book. I can only label it with one word. AMAZING. I don’t know if it’s due to his writing, the stories in it or the palpable sense that Martin Short seems like the most genuine human being alive, but it’s, by far, the best book I’ve read in a very long time.

Remember how I told you about the New Words document that I keep? I should let you know that I wrote down a total of eighteen new words that I learned from this book. I’m not sure if that tells you that Martin Short is an especially learned man or that perhaps I’m an absolute dolt. In any case, here were my very favourite parts of the book.

• "My mind has always worked systematically to begin with. For example, I still operate according to the school-year calendar, where September heralds a new start and May/June the conclusion of another grade; as I write this, in the spring of 2014, I am finishing up what I think of as Grade 59."
  

• I loved the chapter detailing his personal mantra of sorts – what he calls his "Nine Categories" – it’s essentially his "course load of life." This line especially I liked, "Everything else in life unravels if you’re not perpetuating your own survival. You have to take care of yourself." (Also, I don’t want to just tell you what the nine categories are because you should be exiting your home immediately to go buy this book so you can find out the categories yourself.)
  

• Hearing him describe his first (and only) standup experience with the phrase "crescendoing boos" made me really laugh.
  

View fullsize

I can't tell you how much I howled in joy at this photo.

• When he described someone as "facially uninteresting."
  

• "Thank heavens for Nan’s wise words, which forever echoed in my head: "If I ever find out that you’ve cheated on me, I won’t say anything during the day, but at night, when you are asleep, so help me God, I will take an empty wine bottle and smash it over your head.""

• The chapter about his brother who passed away at a young age is so moving.
  

• When talking about a review of Clifford: "Roger Ebert memorably wrote of it, "I’d love to hear a symposium of veteran producers, marketing guys, and exhibitors discuss this film. It’s not bad in any usual way. It’s bad in a new way all its own. There is something extraterrestrial about it, as if it’s based on the sense of humor of an alien race with a completely different relationship to the physical universe. The movie is so odd, it’s almost worth seeing just because we’ll never see anything like it again. I hope.""
  

• I loved hearing about how much Nicholas Cage and Elizabeth Taylor loved Clifford as much as any normal, human person should. Nicholas Cage told him that he "broke his VCR watching it" because he "watched that dining room scene" –look at me like a human boy!— "twenty-five times in a row, and rewound it so much that the machine jammed and the tape broke."
  

View fullsize

Martin Short in (insane) Larry David makeup

• The story in which him and his wife accidentally assume someone’s name is Bumpkiss and proceed to call this man ‘Bumpkiss’ for about twenty minutes made me laugh so much.
  

• He offers this advice he got from Victor Garber about what you should immediately do if you find yourself ever too high: "Victor went into Gilda’s kitchen and brought back a little dish of honey and a Coca-Cola. Victor is a diabetic. "You’re having the same reaction to the pot that a diabetic has from a blood-sugar crash," he told me gently. "Everything’s going to be fine. Here, take this." He fed me a spoonful of honey like I was a sick child. Then he had me drink the Coke. And he was totally right. I was back to normal within minutes."
  

• I don’t know quite how to put this, but the way in which he speaks about his wife Nancy (Nan) is so intimate and revealing – I couldn’t get enough. The way he describes her, "She made your heart beat like a little distant jungle drum," makes the reader feel sort of in on their love or something. I feel like this could be a memoir of him and Nan. He loves her so much that it SEEPS through the page. The final few chapters detailing her battle with cancer and the surrounding years of that time had me literally sobbing.

• Describing life without his wife: "We were, as a couple, like a big 747 jet plane, powered by two engines. But now one engine is out. Nevertheless, the plane is still filled with passengers, and there’s a lot of responsibility, a lot of lives still to influence. So the plane must continue to fly with one engine. It travels onward, but with a bit more effort and struggle, and with no time to flirt with the stewardess or get a coffee."
  

• After his wife died, people would call and give him advice on how to cope with such a loss: "Mike Nichols also called, urging me to "just keep the conversation going." This was valuable wisdom, because the constant banter I maintained with Nancy was like oxygen to me, and to suddenly no longer have it in my life seemed incomprehensible – and, in bad moments, suffocating."

•  "After Nancy died, I read a 1910 sermon by the Oxford theologian Henry Scott Holland that has evolved over time into a funeral prayer. It begins:
  

Death is nothing at all.

It does not count.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

Everything remains as what it was.

The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.

Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no sorrow in your tone. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together."

• I was going to write out the final paragraph here because it was one of my favourites parts as well, but I’m not sure it’ll mean as much to you as it did to me since I read the thing in full and you did not (yet).
  

Needless to say, this man is one of the most talented people alive today and I’m left completely speechless at how incredible this book was to read. (Well, I guess not really speechless since this is a pretty lengthy post, but you know what I mean.) Martin Short, you are perfect.

You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.