Fury of the Day - The Academy Awards

It hards to pinpoint exactly why I hate the Academy Awards, but here are a few of the major reasons why I do and why you should, too.

• The red carpet. I get it - people look great, so let's look at them. And good for them! But that's not what this carpet is for - if you've ever actually sat through this awful "pre-show" with a group of people, you are definitely going to hear the likes of, "Fuck, she looks horrible. Look at that hair! That's disgusting," amongst the people you're watching with. Why is this? I don't know, we're all especially mean to people we don't know who have fame and money? And we think we have the RIGHT to criticize these people? That's what I assume, anyway. Which is obviously fucked up.
• The "interviewers" on the red carpet. I hate these people because they're asking questions that absolutely no one gives a fuck about. "Who are you wearing?" Is it just me or does the answer to that question affect me IN NO FUCKING WAY WHATSOEVER? The questions, the answers - I hate them all. And I know that some people watch these "interviews" to see if so-and-so is going to be likable  or a dick, so we can all talk about it later. But the thing is - WE DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. STOP ACTING LIKE WE SHOULD CARE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE AS HUMANS FOR THE THIRTY SECONDS WE'RE SEEING THEM SPEAK. 
• If a certain movie wins, does that make it a better movie? No, of course not. We know this fact already. But the thing is - WE SHOULDN'T CARE WHAT WINS AND WHAT DOESN'T. I think it's pretty clear that we all have pretty differing tastes and so maybe it isn't a crazy idea to each seek out and find our own "best picture" on our own terms. And a small side note: if you only see a movie because it won some award? Go fuck yourself. You're such a huge part of this problem, I have nothing to say to you. 
• Acting doesn't deserve awards. I'm not sorry. It just doesn't. Seeing some great performance doesn't have the ability to wow me for days, maybe that's just me. Even if it did, do these actors deserve this ridiculously lofty, self-centered treatment for the rest of my goddam life? I don't get why we're supposed to pretend as if these people are changing all of our lives. It's art, I get it. But how the hell did acting get so far above any other kind of expressive art?
• The "speeches". I put that in quotations because these are not speeches anymore. I don't know if they ever were, to be honest. These are now thank you acknowledgments. If you look up what the fucking word 'speech' means - it's a goddam "spoken expression of ideas and opinions." If you manage to win an award and go up to that podium, granted, other people helped you get there. But the other fucking billion percent of people who are watching you up there don't really give a fuck about those thanked people. It would make so much more sense to say something that would maybe, I don't know, inspire the tons of people giving you their attention at that moment in time? Or say something that shows how happy you are! Share something insightful to help express your gratitude! Say SOMETHING that makes you human for a minute and that can be shared amongst your "fans" and audience. And what I really don't get? These people who love watching the Oscars - aren't they pissed with all the thanking they have to hear? Do they ENJOY this part?! What the fuck are they getting out of this?! WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THIS SO INTENTLY?! 
• The length of the whole thing. I've said this before,and I'll say it again. This entire awards ceremony feels like thousands of rich, entitled, (dominantly) white people jacking each other off continuously for about four hours intercut with commercial breaks for us to casually bask in their supreme greatness - and we, the viewers, are all supposed to lovingly froth at the mouth and collectively watch every fucking second of it, and then talk about it endlessly the next day to one another. WHAT IS HAPPENING?! HOW IS THIS THE WORLD?!
• The fact that these shit shows are televised is the part that makes me over-the-top mad. If they weren't broadcasted to us at all? Who knows how I might feel in that case. 

And I'm only singling out the Academy Awards because they're happening this weekend - ALL awards shows for television/movies/music are equally terrible. I only wish that they would stop airing them for us to see. All of these shows are wasting our time and their time so equally. Please stop watching, you're better than that.

Fury of the Day - Mannequin Lies

One of most irritating things about living in this society? Constantly being lied to. Now that's kind of a broad statement, but if I may narrow in just a bit on what I mean, let me proceed.

So what's my problem?

THIS.

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What do I mean? That bunched-up material that gets pinned up at the back of a shirt or dress on a mannequin? Yeah, that. That's fucking fraud. That shirt or dress does NOT look the way that you're trying to tell me it does. Therefore, I hate you, store. And I always will. Why does this act have to be done? Why can't you just be real with me? Does the dress look that bad if you DON'T do this maneuver? Can I merely request that you PUT THE FUCKING SHIRT ON THE GODDAM LIFELESS BODY AND MOVE ON TO YOUR NEXT TASK, sales employee? Don't try and fucking trick me into thinking this is how it's gonna look on my body. I'm a human woman. And I don't bunch up my shirt at the back like that, you know this about me and yet you don't seem to care.

And also, if the material of any given dress or shirt doesn't hug a body in the way that you're FORCING it to, have you considered that maybe some people are actually looking for something that doesn't accentuate every part of a body? Maybe some women WANT a dress that just rests on their frame and doesn't showcase every curve and nuance of the female form. Is that a shocking want? Do you not understand why someone might LIKE a dress that maybe doesn't fucking force you to showcase how tiny your waist is?

Honestly, I don't see this a lot anymore, but it definitely occurs more than it should. It happens to be rampant at The Gap and most department stores. And when I do see it, I lose my mind for a minute. Makes me so fucking mad.

If you're thinking I'm too angry about this... ugh. Stop reading my blog! This is not meant to be angry, it is merely said with passion. I could go on to say how small things like this are part of a larger problem, but I will leave it at that.

Fury of the Day - "...And Many More To Come!"

Celebrations are great. This thought is pretty universal, yes? Therefore, birthdays should be pretty great. My hope for the future is that as I age I continue to be:

• Cool with whatever age I'm at
• Only sad about not being "young" for a maximum of 24 hours
• Into getting gifts (I've seen a pattern of older people not wanting gifts as they age. I don't want to be that kind of grandma. Give me gifts.)
• Wicked as hell

It isn't my birthday soon, but I noticed something today that makes me so mad I had to mention it before I forget.

You know those people who wish you a happy birthday and then follow that with, "...and many more to come!" These people enrage the fuck out of me with that comment. Such a moronic thing to say to someone, especially on a day when maybe they're already not feeling the best. My questions for these cretins are as follows.

1. Are you saying this to someone who is older than you? 'Cause in that case, whoa. That's beyond rude. It sounds like you're wishing for them not to die QUITE so soon.  Is it just me who hears it that way? Am I wrong here? Such a dick thing to say. Why do you have to mention the future at all? Can't we focus on this birthday THAT IS HAPPENING NOW and leave it in peace? 

2. Are you saying this to someone younger than you? Well, that doesn't make any sense at all. And I've heard this said to a child before and the kid's face was all *what's-happening* after they heard it. Makes zero sense. When I've heard it from someone older, I always think, "Bitch, I should be saying this to your old ass."

3. Aren't we all wishing and hoping that WE'VE ALL got many more to come? Does this thought need to be expressed aloud? Should I thank you for saying it?! I HATE YOU.

The first time some idiot said this to me was when I was 23 and it confused the fuck out of me. Can we just strike this "wish" from all of our combined vocabularies? I feel like the people who say this sentiment are also the same people who tell me I “look tired”. Just crawl in a hole and die, you're the worst.

Some people will not understand this fury. You're sitting there in your cushy "apartment", thinking, "But Liz, they're just trying to say they hope you have a long and happy life! What's the problem?"

If that's you, then you've definitely said this to someone in the past and should be ashamed of yourself. Stop saying it. Hate it/you so much. 

xx

Fury of the Day - Comedians Who Do Impressions

I'm not talking about your Uncle Bob here (though I silently doubt that his Walken is amazing). I'm talking about comedians who do impressions. Oh, and also the people WHO LOVE HEARING THESE IMPRESSIONS - you're a big part of this problem. 

Before I go on, let me state that I absolutely can admit when I hear a great impression of someone. Bill Hader's version of Alan Alda? Get out of here. I will be the first one to stand and say, "Hey! That was great! Good on you." I cannot, however, encourage comedians on a stage who do them in excess. If you have more than five seconds of impressions in a set? Walk slowly into the ocean. 

I wish I could shake every comedian alive and beg them not to do them - for three main reasons.

1. Impressions are never funny. A "funny impression" of a person does not exist. If it's a good one, then it's just accurate. And if it's accurate - then cool, you have the ability to sound like that other guy. Wicked. And if it's a bad impression? Oh man, I couldn't hate you more. You're not even good at the thing that you think I want to see?! Fuck.
2. The thought of someone sitting in their room, practicing some other person's voice or mannerisms makes me very sad. I apologize if that sounds condescending, but it's really fucking depressing to me. (Unless you're considering yourself an impressionist who ONLY does impressions, that is. But that's never the case.) They could be using that time to fucking think up original or personal insights to offer people, maybe.
3. Jokes and stories are memorable - your fucking DeNiro is not. I will likely vomit if I'm subjected to it. It's come to a point now that when I see someone even slightly attempt any kind of impression on stage, my eyes close gently as my mind shuts down in a furious rage. It's at that moment that I'll definitely think this person is awful to the core and also sort of dumb, for some reason. And I don't want to hold that prejudice! Years of witnessing impressions has forced me into this, unfortunately.

I understand why people want to get good at impressions - it's because almost everyone fucking loves hearing them. Why the hell is this? I wish I could fucking tell you, but I have no idea.

Oh hey, you know that guy in that movie you loved? Well, we don't have him. Yeah, he's crazy busy. But we got this other guy... and you're gonna be blown away by how much they sound alike. Like, it's eerie. AND IT WILL MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND IN EXCITEMENT.

And I know that I can't stop them. At this very moment, somewhere out there someone is perfecting the hell out of their goddam Seinfeld and there's nothing I can do about it. Makes me so mad. 

Fury of the Day

Dear Construction Workers of the past, present and future,

If I drive past your work area where there are roads and/or lanes being blocked off with construction tape/pylons/what-have-you, with the intention of, you know, construction work being done - then, please oh please, BE FUCKING WORKING AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME. 

When I see an area guarded off due of construction and whole lanes of cars getting screwed by empty areas with NO CONSTRUCTION ACTIVITY going on and thus CREATING TRAFFIC, and notice there isn’t work being done at that second?! Fuck you. Just fuck you to hell. You’re a piece of dirt, construction industry. This is why people hate you. ‘Cause you don’t give a shit about anyone. You’re purposely screwing tons of people with your ANTICIPATION of work being done and it’s bullshit. Go to hell.

Edit note: Sorry. This was just on my mind today. And is on my mind often. I, in no way, hate all construction workers. Just the industry. I feel like at some point in time, we all come up with a certain career we hate. Like how my dad will always hate firefighters (his words: “What do they do all day?! Nothing.”) and one of my brothers will always hate tow truck drivers, no matter what (“It’s unfair that they think they own the road. No one’s allowed to run stop signs, jerks.”).