Birthday!

by Liz Heather in , ,

(I’m putting this up now at 10am, since my Oz post was so delayed. Balance!) 

Okay, this is just an advice post. A Liz Advice piece, if you will. Why am I doing this? Well, because it’s my birthday. I’ve been on this planet for twenty-eight years now and I like to think that I’ve learned some things. I, in no way, know it all. Duh. I’m not Beyonce. (Yet.) But here are a few things I’ve learned thus far…

Things You Should Do
  • Save emails that have compliments about you in them. They’ll make you feel nicer at times when you’re in low places.
  • Mail things. Everyone will always love mail. In the history of time, no one has ever angrily said, “Ah, God. Mail?!” 
  • Try to attain soft elbows. Someone’s gonna be touching them at some point. Make sure they’re up to par.
  • Talk to your parents/parent a lot or more than a fair amount. They’re gonna say insightful things sometimes. A lot of it will be mediocre at best, but it’s best not to be a dick to humans who brought you here, dummy. 
  • Take at least two vacations a year. Even if they’re only to places as far as the next city over. Everyone is in a better mood on vacation.
  • If/when you have nieces/nephews, be as present in their lives as you possibly can. It’s important for everyone involved. 
  • See an ophthalmologist at least once a year, every year. Eyes are just as important as teeth and no one ever talks about that fact. Just go.
  • See a dentist twice a year. Not as important as the eye guy, but still up there.
  • Hold grudges. Or rather, don’t be afraid to hold grudges. Sometimes people are just dirt and it’s good to remember that and not give them too much of yourself. 
  • Retweet.
Things You Shouldn’t Do
  • Obsess about your weight/body. No one cares. It’s boring to hear and talk about. Spare us all.
  • Be alone when you are sick. Call someone over. It helps your state of mind times a million. Having someone to complain to heals an illness 50% quicker, I’d imagine.
  • Eat fast food more than once a week. Are you simple? Don’t do that. You’re better than that.
  • Be weird about hugging.
  • Point and laugh at someone. Even as a joke. I really can’t stand this. Too mean.
  • Bungee jump. Have you ever seen a YouTube bungee jumping video before? Don’t. Do. It.
  • Say, “WHAT?!” with an angry face when you can’t hear someone. 
  • Think that Beyonce’s better than you. Yeah, she’s got beauty/money/success/family/talent/style/security/thebesttumblr/etc., but I’m sure she has her own issues going on. You’re great, too. Don’t forget that. 
  • Smile at anyone on the street after 11pm.
  • Favorite.
Thanks for reading, guys. 
Birthdayly yours,
Liz