“It’s probably best not to live in California for too long. Why? ‘Cause they have no seasons. How the hell are you supposed to know that time is going on without the change of the seasons? How are you supposed to know that you’re aging? Nope. Don’t do it.”
“If possible, you should do your makeup near a window. Not one with the direct sunlight streaming in, but just sit near a window. Just good sense since most indoor lighting is terrible.”
“If you have dark hair and any bald spots on your head, you can easily cover them up with a makeup brush and some dark/black eye shadow. It’ll make your hair look full as fuck.”
“Best Part Of A Vacation = No Bras!”
“I will always silently and secretly laugh at all women over the age of 18 who wear bras with clear plastic straps. Don’t do it. Clear does not mean invisible. We can all see the straps. You look foolish.”
How to Prevent Thigh Chafing & Foot Blistering
With the summer coming up (it’s barely spring, I know, calm down), there are many things that you need to prepare for. Not sure who this post is aimed at, but you might appreciate it if you’ve ever:
- Had a blister on your toe and/or heel because of a certain kind of shoe
- Had thighs that touch each other when you walk, whether it’s due to you having normal, human-sized thighs OR whether you wear really tight skirts and it forces your thighs to meet
- Experienced chafed thighs from running
And I do not intend for this to only be read by women. Most men I know do nothing or very little to try and prevent blisters - why is this? No idea. It’s weird. Take care of that stuff, everyone.
Anyway, the solution to all of these problems? Rub deodorant on the area that’s being a bitch, ie. directly onto the area of where you would presume you would get a blister (because of ill-fitting shoes you own or because in the past you’ve noticed getting blisters after wearing certain shoes) or directly on the areas where your thighs touch. It will solve the problem.
It has something to do with the ingredients in deodorant that makes this work - something about the slipperiness of it, if you want me to get technical.
I’ve tried this before (all of last summer) and it felt wonderful to not have that be a constant issue. Oh! And one more thing, if you try this and decide that it’s working for you as well, it’s really good to invest in one of those travel-sized deodorants to have in your purse/bag. Why? Well, things get sweaty in the summer and sometimes you need to re-apply midway through your day. Kinda gross, but just being real with you.
“Maya Rudolph’s impression of Gwen Stefani is so ridiculously great. Just lovely. Seek it out. Think she did it on a Jimmy Fallon. Not gonna give you the link. Fucking look for a change.”
“Walking around pantsless in your own home makes you 480% more comfortable.”
Birthday!
(I’m putting this up now at 10am, since my Oz post was so delayed. Balance!)
Okay, this is just an advice post. A Liz Advice piece, if you will. Why am I doing this? Well, because it’s my birthday. I’ve been on this planet for twenty-eight years now and I like to think that I’ve learned some things. I, in no way, know it all. Duh. I’m not Beyonce. (Yet.) But here are a few things I’ve learned thus far…
Things You Should Do
- Save emails that have compliments about you in them. They’ll make you feel nicer at times when you’re in low places.
- Mail things. Everyone will always love mail. In the history of time, no one has ever angrily said, “Ah, God. Mail?!”
- Try to attain soft elbows. Someone’s gonna be touching them at some point. Make sure they’re up to par.
- Talk to your parents/parent a lot or more than a fair amount. They’re gonna say insightful things sometimes. A lot of it will be mediocre at best, but it’s best not to be a dick to humans who brought you here, dummy.
- Take at least two vacations a year. Even if they’re only to places as far as the next city over. Everyone is in a better mood on vacation.
- If/when you have nieces/nephews, be as present in their lives as you possibly can. It’s important for everyone involved.
- See an ophthalmologist at least once a year, every year. Eyes are just as important as teeth and no one ever talks about that fact. Just go.
- See a dentist twice a year. Not as important as the eye guy, but still up there.
- Hold grudges. Or rather, don’t be afraid to hold grudges. Sometimes people are just dirt and it’s good to remember that and not give them too much of yourself.
- Retweet.
Things You Shouldn’t Do
- Obsess about your weight/body. No one cares. It’s boring to hear and talk about. Spare us all.
- Be alone when you are sick. Call someone over. It helps your state of mind times a million. Having someone to complain to heals an illness 50% quicker, I’d imagine.
- Eat fast food more than once a week. Are you simple? Don’t do that. You’re better than that.
- Be weird about hugging.
- Point and laugh at someone. Even as a joke. I really can’t stand this. Too mean.
- Bungee jump. Have you ever seen a YouTube bungee jumping video before? Don’t. Do. It.
- Say, “WHAT?!” with an angry face when you can’t hear someone.
- Think that Beyonce’s better than you. Yeah, she’s got beauty/money/success/family/talent/style/security/thebesttumblr/etc., but I’m sure she has her own issues going on. You’re great, too. Don’t forget that.
- Smile at anyone on the street after 11pm.
- Favorite.
Thanks for reading, guys.
Birthdayly yours,
Liz
“Anyone who literally takes you away from washing dishes to have sex with you? One of the hottest things to happen in a domestic relationship. Even hotter if you, in this day and age, still own/use dishwashing gloves.”