The funniest man I know.
Down With Tech Trailer
Out in one week!
Smart Phone Manners
I know it's a common occurrence to have every action of daily life interrupted by technology. I really do understand this. My main concern here? How much worse is it going to get before we all hate one another.
I recently got an iPhone (I upgraded from my 2009 Samsung that finally died) and I really thought I'd become as equally annoying as everyone I know (with the exception of maybe one person) with this new device in my life. But honestly? I think I'm the same me. And thank God for that.
My main problem here? Table manners & smart phones. If I were to rule the world, I'd create a course on the subject and implement it in every elementary school classroom, so we could grow up having a basic understanding of THINGS WE SHOULD ALREADY BE AWARE OF.
What does it take to not be considered an impolite piece of iPhone-using scum? Not much! Here's a gentle list to take note of.
Things To Avoid
- If you're seated at a table that has cutlery on it, don't you dare put your phone down on that table. Don't do it. I don't care if you're a man who keeps his phone in his pocket, figure it out. (Sidenote: it really can't be good for men to keep cell phones so near their junk. Has anyone done a study on that yet?)
- If you really can't fight the urge to read that text that just arrived, put your phone on Do Not Disturb mode if you're amongst other, polite human beings so you're not tempted to look.
- If you're waiting for your drink or food or cheque to arrive, this is not the time to check your email. If you're amongst company, speak to these humans beside you. If you're alone, LOOK AROUND maybe or have a thought of some kind. Your time doesn't have to exclusively consist of refreshing your Instagram feed.
And the most important rule of all? If you must, absolutely must, take your phone out for whatever reason (and that better be for a good goddam reason) - you should, at the very least, apologize for its presence. To bring out and use your phone with no explanation at a sit-down dinner is inexcusable and rude beyond measure. And the fact that you're even slightly thinking right now, "Whoa, calm down, Liz. Everyone does it." is abhorrent. We used to have better manners. I know that we did because I'm not that old and I remember a time when manners were sort of respected. I don't know how this shift slowly happened and we all became dirtbags, but it doesn't have to be this way. I know it. I just know it.
Annoyance of the Day - Hotel Key Cards
Why must we suck all of the beauty out of this world? Why must every action of our daily lives be affected by technology? Will this better us? It is really necessary?
Look, I'm not complaining about every technological advance that's been made in the last twenty years. I'm really not. It's just that sometimes there are little things that really get under my skin. And believe me, I could get into a whole big thing with you here, but I'll narrow this rant down to one of the things I hate the most. THESE.
Why? Why did it have to come to this? What was so wrong with using a key? An old-fashioned, working key? Do you understand how beautiful a key can be? The intricacies of it? The specificity? The uniqueness? Sometimes a key is the most beautiful thing that you'll touch all day, and no ones seems to notice. The mere weight of a key brings me pleasure. Is that sick? If you held this key (below) in your hand, you're telling me it wouldn't make you feel warm inside? Am I the maniac here?
And if I am the maniac here, I'm not sorry. I'm sure I'll be screaming about this (primarily at children, I'd imagine?) for years to come, so get ready.
Ban Toddlers From Any Screens, Please (link) →
I read this a few months ago and started sending it to all my friends with kids or those who were about to have kids - why? I don’t know, ‘cause when I see a baby staring at an iPad IT FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT, for some reason. It just shouldn’t… be. And it makes no sense whatsoever. I don’t care if there are games specifically AIMED at these children, no. Just no. Give them a fucking rattle or something. PLEASE.