“When sweeping the floors, do little bits of dirt stick to your feet or socks while you do it? Wear heels. A cleaner and sexier solution.”
Secrets of White Teeth
If you’ve seen me in real life, have you wondered why I have such white teeth? It’s genetics.
(That’d be really funny if the post just ended there.)
Ignoring the fact that I compulsively like to talk about when I’m “being really funny”, the real answer is because of whitening toothpaste and mouthwash. Colgate Optic White, to be precise. The toothpaste and the mouthwash. Over the years, I’ve tried a bunch of different ones but, in my opinion, this one is the cheapest, the best tasting and the most effective. I was going to put a side by side photo comparison of my before teeth and after teeth, but then realized that I have been using this stuff so long that I only have after photos. I know, it’s a hard life.
Also, if you’re reading this and you’re a smoker? Wow. That’s cute. Stop smoking, dummy, and then you can benefit from my inadequate years of experience.
Mouthwash Tip of The Day:
Don’t pour a whole lot into your mouth when mouthwashing, that’s a waste. Just put, say, less than 1/4 of a cup (why am I using baking measurements? Sorry, but those are the only I know). Anyway, just pour a tiny bit in your mouth, but then swish it around like a madman for double the amount of time it says on the back label (usually about a minute). You’ll go through your mouthwash much slower than you regularly do, but with double the results.
I know this post sounds like a commercial. Frankly, someone should take these words, make it into a commercial somehow and pay me some money. It’s a great line of products.
Sandwich Bag Artist Dad
David Laferriere is a graphic designer and illustrator. He’s also an awesome dad who has been drawing stuff on his kids’ sandwich bags since May 2008, using Sharpie markers.
Reblogged from here.
“If you’re making out with a woman who has some kind of clip in her hair and you’re intending to have sex with her, gently take that clip outta her hair. She will go insane. It is a very hot thing to do.”
Martha Mattress Rotation Tip
This idea is solely from Martha. There is only one Martha, and I will not soil her good name by the inclusion of a surname.
"For even wear and a longer life, a mattress should be flipped four times a year (alternating between end-over-end and side-over-side rotation). Hotels keep track by marking each end of a mattress: one says “January” (right side up) and “April” (upside down), the other “October” (right side up) and “July” (upside down). Whenever one of those months rolls around, adjust the mattress so that the appropriate month’s name is right side up at the foot of the bed."
Since this tip was written in a 2003 issue of her magazine, pillow-top mattresses have been introduced, I’m aware. So this little tip obviously won’t apply/work in that case. So what if you do have a pillow-top mattress? Well, you must be doing very well for yourself to afford one of those. Congratulations.
BONUS POST! SNOW ICE CREAM!
Okay, there’s a snowstorm in Ontario RIGHT NOW. And so I was out playing with my niece Tianna and my dear babe Harmeet and trying to think up new ways to have more fun out there in the gorgeousness. So I came inside, did some Googling and found a way to make AND EAT some snow ice cream.
We just made it AND IT IS DELICIOUS. Here is the recipe. I’m serious here, too. It. Is. Really. Tasty. And weirdly satisfying to know that it fell from the sky.
Harmeet’s advice: “Eat it fast!”
SNOW DAY! Okay, bonus post over. Enjoy your weekend, babies.
(Sidenote: Tianna opted not to have a photo up here because she’s a teenager and thought she was BETTER THAN THIS POST! She’s still lovely, nevertheless.)
Tabloids
When I go into a drugstore, grocery store, book store or anywhere that sells magazines, I have a little tendency that’s begun to take over my body/being. What is this tendency? I turn most (or all) the covers of tabloid magazines over, so that their back cover is what shows on a magazine stand.
Why do I do this? I did it once a few years ago, and now I can’t really stop. There aren’t words to describe how much I loathe People Magazine. And US Magazine. And any “story” TMZ would jump to “cover”. Absolutely anything tabloid related. (Sidenote: this is my absolute favourite blog post about tabloids that I’ve ever read, written by a beautiful man who’s very funny.) This hatred has grown over the years to an extent that is almost unmanageable today. And I’m really only sharing this because it makes me so mad and I’ll feel less crazy if it isn’t a secret thing that I do anymore.
Also, I’m not talking about this now with the intent of saying that you should be doing this as well… this is a stupid thing to do. I know that. But every time I do it, I literally believe that maybe ONE less of these awful, hate-filled pieces of trash will be sold. I know that’s a naive thought, and I’m okay with that. People are allowed to read whatever they want. If they want to read these magazines that badly then they’ll turn them over and FIND the goddam one they’re looking for and then buy it. And that’s fine. BUT my feeling is that people do NOT want to buy these magazines, but are swayed by the ridiculously stupid headings and glamorized photos of PEOPLE WE DO NOT KNOW PERSONALLY.
I know now I’m really just getting into the idea of celebrity and the absurdness that surrounds it, but that’s really another topic.
The root of this all? I don’t want to see a plethora of “post-baby bodies” or who’s getting divorced or Blue fucking Ivy’s first fetus photo or ANY kind of details on someone’s “secret wedding” — I DON’T CARE. NO ONE INTELLIGENT SHOULD CARE. Does reading this trash make me feel good about myself?! Does criticizing others make my goddam day a little easier? FUCK. OFF.
People complain about reality television a lot these days, but these magazines are a billion times worse. It makes no sense to me why we as a SOCIETY are being encouraged to analyze and excessively compliment or condemn people we do not know. What on earth is there to gain by being so invested in the details of their lives?
I, in no way, can fully place blame on the people who read this kind of trash (yes, they aren’t helping the problem), but since these magazines, entertainment shows, the E! network and endless awards shows are all attributes constantly occupying your field of vision and your television sets, it makes sense that they’re so popular. I doubt they’ll stop printing them, ever. I’m not trying to start a movement here, guys. But maybe, if you agree with ANY of this post, then turn over one of these magazines the next time you’re waiting in line. And maybe for one mere moment you’ll save someone the agony of having to hear about Kim Kardashian’s baby bump being compared to the size of her ass.
Laundry Punching Bag
This just seems like a great idea. Not sure why you can’t do it with your regular, old current laundry bag… but still a neat idea. (Note: I just tried punching my laundry bag a minute ago and it seemed to do no damage to the bag and my noted aggression was put at ease.) Why do I have boxing gloves in my bedroom? Well, you mind your business.
If you want to get real fancy and buy one, see here. I took note of this item from this beauty of a site.
“Due to it being a weapon and a tooth cleaner, carry dental floss in your purse or pocket.”
You’ve probably seen this already (but if not, then skip to 1 minute, 5 seconds and watch from there), but I saw this years ago and still think about it maybe once a month. Some of it’s dumb, but some of it is so great. I love drinks so much, so if I ever came across someone like this in real life? Man. That’d be something.