The Worst Movie of All Time

If there’s one movie that you should never ever see, that movie is 2008’s The Women. While I cannot fully explain in depth the reasons behind this recommendation, I can merely try. 

I tried watching this movie a very long time ago with a group of friends and had to excuse myself before the second half because of how violently sick it made my stomach. At first, I thought it was just something that I had eaten. So I left the living room that we were watching it in and went upstairs to lay down. I instantly felt better within twenty minutes of leaving that movie. And so, I sat up in bed (since I thought that it was just a random sickness), opened the bedroom door and just sat down for a minute. I began to hear the movie downstairs, and the sickness immediately rushed over me like a WAVE yet again. I shut the door and laid down again. This movie was making me physically ill. Why? I still can’t really place it. I’ve thought about this long and hard, and I’ve come to the conclusion that – this is the worst movie ever made. There are so many things wrong with it. It makes women seem like worthless, stupid moronic drones. And also? There are absolutely no men in this movie. Even as extras. NO MEN! Not that there’s anything wrong with that – but no, wait, there IS something wrong with that because it made me feel UNSETTLED IN MY STOMACH. I don’t WANT to see a movie exclusively full of women. It's too much. I hated it. And also, on a separate occasion, my brother Robbie and I were walking along the aisles of Blockbuster one day (I realize, this detail dates us immensely) and we came across a dvd for The Women and I instantly started to have an uneasy, bubbly feeling in my stomach again. IT WAS WEIRD. Even he was all, “This is messed up.” So I had to leave and wait in the parking lot for him. I honestly wish I could explain this phenomenon more, but that would mean watching it AGAIN and figuring it out more deeply, but you know that I can’t do that. I just… I can’t. Everything made me angry about it. Please never see this movie. 

The Heat - A Short Review

I really didn't think I was gonna like this movie. Not for any good reason really, just the dumb reasoning that I don't think I like any Sandra Bullock movies, never have. I try not to talk about that a lot infront of others 'cause not many people seem to agree with me (one of whom is my father and is convinced that Miss Congeniality is the hidden gem of the year 2000). But this is probably my first (and truthfully? Probably the last...) Sandra Bullock movie that's actually pretty great. But I don't want to dwell on her presence in it right now 'cause this was actually a pretty good time. I doubt I'd see it again, but it was definitely enjoyable. 

Honestly, Melissa McCarthy is perfect and so good and smart at everything. It makes me kind of mad that she wasted seven years in a completely uncomedic role on Gilmore Girls (and I kind of liked Gilmore Girls! So that's saying something.)  Woman's fantastic. And everyone loves her. What's that? You don't love her? Not possible. She's delightful! Infact, I don't think I want you in here. Get outta here, dummy. 

Thoughts During The Movie

• OH MY GOD! BIFF!
• Can't really remember what the context was, but if you remember the scene where Sandra Bullock is in Melissa McCarthy's apartment and she says something about there not being any "poached eggs and rubies" - Man... I fucking lost my mind at that line, so funny.

Okay, so it turns out that those are my only real thoughts. There really were just a billion Melissa lines that were so fucking good and funny that I really couldn't keep up and write them all down for you to see, she's the main reason you should see this movie. 

Conclusion? I will definitely make fun of Gilmore Girls with you if you want me to. Just 'cause I've seen the entire series does not mean I'm not aware of how bad it was.  

Mrs. Doubtfire as a Horror Film

This is a bit old, but man is it great.  

The Bling Ring - A Review

Don't see it. Why?

• All of the acting was atrocious (with the exception of maybe two actors - and that's two OUT OF A WHOLE CAST).
• Emma Watson's accent will embarrass you and the audience that surrounds you.  My face squinched up every time she had a line, it was excruciating and too far past uncomfortable.
• Other than the robbing, absolutely nothing happens. There's no story. Really - none at all. I don't really understand how it came to be a full length movie since there's so little going on at all times.  
• The script is awful. All of it. Somehow it shocks me that notable people read it and gave it the go ahead.  

Those points don't convey what I'm trying to say. I think I was just excited to see it 'cause it was Sofia Coppola and it's been three years since her last movie - but the lesson has been learned, world. God, what a piece of trash.  

The 10 Best End-of-School Movies

I've been out of high school for what feels like an eternity and yet I still have an affinity for watching these movies this time of year. Is it because I loved and really miss high school? God no, absolutely not. It’s because I remember watching some of these when I was in middle school and really, really anticipating my high school years and hoping they’d be something like these movies. They were not. But that’s cool, ‘cause, as it tends to, life gets a lot better once you turn 21. In so many respects. But that’s another post. 

You may not agree with some of these choices since, you know, you’re a human with opinions of your own, so be forewarned. 

With Honors

10. With Honors

Considering that I haven’t seen this movie in over twenty years, it still deserves to be list-worthy. When I was a kid I was bold enough to list it as my favourite movie up until I was twelve years old. I feel like Joe Pesci was really hoping for this to be the role he'd be remembered for (maybe I'm way off on that), and he made quite an impression on me at the time. I saw this and thought, “That man’s an actor.” He couldn’t be greater. Brendan Fraser's in it, too. I don't know why I told you that, though. That helps nothing here. 

Pretty In Pink

9. Pretty In Pink

Now this is really on the list 'cause of James Spader. Look at that man. What a dick and what a dreamboat. I saw this movie when I was nine and it was the first time I thought, “God, he's such an asshole... but I could probably change him, though.” So that's memorable for me and made it even more enjoyable. (Sidenote: I never understood why any teen boy was ever into Molly Ringwald. I always thought it was 'cause of her adorable name 'Molly' but then abandoned that idea since boys seemed to care more about thinness and boobs and not how precious a girl's name was?) 

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

8. Fast Times at Ridgemont High

I saw this when I was probably too young, but will cherish it forever. That moment when Judge Reinhold is dreaming about Phoebe Cates taking her swimsuit off? Christ. I was just a kid, but that was intense for anyone who saw it. Also, all the abortion stuff in the movie? That was pretty risqué for me to see at such a tender age, so that made me love it even more. The one thought that I remember having after seeing this at the time? "All those kids are having sex too young. Where the hell are their parents?" I also remember thinking, "Sean Penn doesn't seem like a good actor, I hope he has other skills."

Adventureland

7. Adventureland

I can't really pinpoint why I liked this one so much. Maybe 'cause it seems so hard to do an end-of-school movie that's actually good nowadays? Maybe that's what impressed me? Or maybe it's 'cause Kristen Wiig can do no wrong and Bill Hader is perfect. They should've had way more screen time. 

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

6. Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Everything about this movie makes me happy. Cameron, the reckless driving, the sneakiness, the fancy lunch, the shitty sister, the pool, the dancing, the parade, all of it. Just makes me feel good inside. I've been waiting for the day that I can find a replica of Sloane Peterson's jacket so I can complete the finest Halloween costume that no one will ever get (those shorts were surprising easy to find).

Police Academy 2

5. Police Academy 2

Now this one definitely does not fall into the aforementioned category, I'm aware. Why am I including it? Only because I would watch this movie and the beautiful sequels almost every other day during any of my summers off school. It's hard to remember why I found them so entertaining, to be honest. It was probably their image of what "the city" was like. So rugged, so dangerous. To this day, they make me immensely happy. I think we've all been searching for our Sgt. Mahoney. Guttenberg was/is a gem. Did you see him on Party Down? Just great.

Can't Hardly Wait

4. Can't Hardly Wait

All right, all right, I know what you're thinking. But have you seen this movie? Did you see it when it came out? 'Cause it's still great. Maybe I'm swayed by my brother thinking that this was the greatest thing to come out of the nineties, or maybe in time you'll see how good this movie actually was. Ethan Embry just looks like a puppy in it, does that make sense? How is that a bad thing? Just sweet as hell. 

Jack

3. Jack

This is my absolute favourite Francis Ford Coppola movie. Say what you will and cast your judgements - Robin Williams is perfection in this movie. PERFECTION. Love, love, love. And young Jennifer Lopez? Yikes. Too hot.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

2. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

I love this movie intimately. Definitely better than Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. Why? No idea. Just watched it a billion times as a child and fell in love with the Robbi Rob song "In Time" that's on the soundtrack. Also, the story is original as hell (or it was to a child’s mind). My brother recently told me that he thought of the perfect way that someone should propose to me.  (Is that normal? It's fine, we're just close.) He said that the man should play that song in the movie for me and strum his hands in the air à la Bill & Ted in this scene, and then say, "Let's be excellent to each other." ...And my mouth fucking DROPPED at how perfect an idea that was. In reality, I don't actually want that, but what a brilliant idea. Maybe if I marry Keanu Reeves - yeah, that'd be amazing in that case.

Dazed & Confused

1. Dazed & Confused

If this is an obvious choice for number one, well, good! I hope it is! There is no other option, in my opinion. I make sure to watch this every single June, I love it. Makes me feel young again. Maybe it's that Aerosmith song that makes it perfect - or maybe it's because it forces me to remember the incomparable Nicky Katt from Boston Public. Whatever it is, just a fine piece of movie right here. 

Please don't raise your voice at the fact that movies like American Pie or Ghost World didn't make the cut.  You want to include them on your list? Go ahead! I'd love to hear what you got and why. (Edit note: Sorry about being rough on Brendan Fraser. Don't know where that came from.)

2024 UPDATE: I might need to make this post a top 11 list instead of 10 because it’s a sin that Booksmart isn’t mentioned. Absolutely great movie.

The Wolf of Wall Street

Not a super fan of anyone involved, but this looks really good. 

Epic - A Review

I just saw Epic with my seven year old niece, Layla. Here are some thoughts.

Thoughts After Seeing The Trailer

• Did that girl’s dad shrink her down ‘cause he’s a scientist? 'Cause Honey, I Shrunk The Kids is a classic and if kids today haven't seen that movie... well, that's a damn shame and I blame the parents.
• Wait, is Beyonce’s character white, just with a wicked tan? 
• I will forever love red haired main characters. No reason for that - really, no reason! I just like it so much more than plain Jane brown haired ones or too bright blondes. Animated red hair just makes my eyes smile.  
• Fuck, this is the second Owl City song I like. If there's a third, that's gonna be rough to deal with.
  
• The line: “Just because you haven’t seen something doesn’t mean it’s not there” – already been used, buds. The Santa Clause. With the incomparable Tim Allen. 

Thoughts After Seeing The Movie

• Everyone, young and old, likes Aziz Ansari.
• Happy to realize that the dad didn't infact shrink her down. What did cause that? Beyonce's magic. Okay, cool. 
• Kids really like to have conversations with you during movies. And I think I really like it. Just 'cause, like, they're not trying to be dicks or anything - they just have thoughts they needa get out, so they use their normal speaking voice to let you hear them. Lotta respect for that.
• Amanda Seyfried sounds identical to Zooey Deschanel at times.   
• Okay, maybe I'm way out of line here, but I feel like the people over at Blue Sky Studios really wanted me to come out of the theatre with an overwhelming urge to serve my country. The whole movie reminded me of that Simpsons episode where Bart joins a boy band that secretly is trying to enlist kids to join the Navy. In Epic, the whole leaf men storyline of them being protectors of the forest? And how no one is alone if there's someone fighting next to them? Are we kidding here? Just a theory, but come on. It was weird. 

All in all, not the worst, and not the best. Layla enjoyed it, so that's all I need at this point. And I had no choice but to see it in 3D. Still no love for that "feature", but that's a whole other topic. Carry on with your day. Thanks for reading.

(Sidenote: I will sincerely and dearly love Mr. Tim Allen probably for the remainder of my days. Man’s dynamite.)

Frances Ha - (Not Really) A Review

Not sure I can call this a review since all I really want to say is: GO SEE IT!  

It's really good! And I was in a terrible mood before having seen it, too! So that's gotta mean something if it was able to pull me out of my misery. It was charming and so well written, please go see it.  

Edit note: From now on, I will not call eager suggestions "reviews" in the future. 

The Greatly Disappointing Gatsby - A Review

I didn’t hate The Great Gatsby. And I know that a lot of my reviews tend to get really angry really quickly, so I'm not gonna go crazy over-analyzing this one. But here are some things that bothered me:

• No way you can play a 32 year old anymore, Leo. No way. 
• Tobey Maguire. Yeah, just his essence bothered me. How has he lasted as an actor? He has one face! You know the face! This face! 

And that's it! There are no other expressions! I don’t understand why people keep putting him in movies. He’s like a houseplant or something – just someone who sort of hangs out near other stuff happening. 

• There were lots of really corny parts, especially that first "reveal" of Leonardo DiCaprio’s face at the party.
• Hated the way lines from the novel were plastered across the screen. Hated that so much.  
• Also, in almost all of their scenes together, I kept thinking that Gatsby and Nick Carraway were about point three seconds away from some hardcore making out. Which would've be great. Just the tension of it all was way too overacted and weird.  
• TOO. LONG. 

And yeah, the clothing and set design were great. But that's it. I heard some teenage girls leaving the theatre afterward and they loved it. So maybe this just wasn’t a movie that I was supposed to enjoy? That’s probably it. 

Anyway, suckfest.

Pink Ribbons, Inc. - A Review

My boyfriend is the one who told me that I needed to watch this - and to be honest, I didn’t really get why he was insisting repeatedly. I know that he watches a lot of documentaries, but I thought, “Ugh. That sounds just… boring,” as awful as that statement is to admit. I didn’t feel like sitting through an hour and a half of hearing just how terrible breast cancer really is and listening to stories and specifics on why. I know these things. Not know them like some others do, but I’m as little aware as I thought I needed to be. (Most of this paragraph makes me sound like a monster, and I’m aware of that.)

This is not a movie solely about breast cancer and those affected by it. I initially thought that’s what it was about, and it could not be further from that. 

Here’s the best description of it that I could find (and even this does not quite do it justice):

“Breast cancer has become the poster child of corporate cause-related marketing campaigns. Countless women and men walk, bike, climb and shop for the cure. Each year, millions of dollars are raised in the name of breast cancer, but where does this money go and what does it actually achieve? Pink Ribbons, Inc. is a feature documentary that shows how the devastating reality of breast cancer, which marketing experts have labeled a “dream cause,” becomes obfuscated by a shiny, pink story of success.” Written by The National Film Board of Canada

It took me about fifteen minutes into the film to finally understand what this was going to be about, so I can only suggest you sit through that first part and wait for it to really begin. 

The whole piece is crazy well done, in my opinion, and I’ll probably continue to tell people that fact for maybe about a week or so - or however long the sensation of seeing something really great lasts.

Here’s an excerpt from it that lingered in my mind, for whatever reason:

“I particularly reject the word survivor as a label for myself. Not only because I’m a little superstitious, since who knows - but also because it seems to me to be a put down of those women who don’t survive.”

There were so many things covered that I’ve never been even slightly aware of, so I’m just glad to have seen it. It’s just an extremely eloquent, unbiased (but in the classiest kind of unbiased way) documentary. Definitely see it.