Story of the Day

Edit note: Maybe this story isn’t actually that good or interesting, but it still makes me laugh, so… deal with it? 

When I was younger (I wanna say teens, but it probably spread into early and mid twenties) I was especially sort of bitchy and awful at times to the people in my family. Or maybe that included friends as well. And strangers, too. I don’t know why, it was a weird time. Anyway, one of the funniest things I’ll remember forever is this thing that happened with my brother, Gary. 

It was somebody in the family’s birthday. We were all at my parent’s house and Gary asked if he could wrap a gift in my room so no one would see what it was. And in response, I said that he could but then proceeded to bark at him not to get ANY little pieces of wrapping paper anywhere on my clean floor - ‘cause I didn’t want to be the one to “fucking clean up” after him later. Anyway, he just nodded his head, quietly accepting my abnormal rage at this simple request and went on. 

So the day goes on, the birthday party happens and everyone eventually leaves. I’m getting ready for bed and I turn off the light and get under the covers and as soon as I put my head down onto the pillow I hear this rustling underneath. So I turn the light on and look under the pillow and there’s an absurd amount of crumpled up wrapping paper with tape sticking out of places that were purely there for decoration and tiny little pieces of paper just everywhere. I’ll never be able to put into words how much that made me laugh. I realized instantly what a maniac I must’ve sounded like to him, and I will absolutely never forget how amazing that was for him to do.

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Best Christmas Album

For real, this is the best and my most favourite Christmas album of all time. It was the last record our family ever bought - so maybe I’m actually only in love with it due to the timely appeal of getting to say that this was our “last record” to be purchased. But really - getting the record player out and putting this on gives me more joy than many things in life. And truthfully, I’ve heard it on cd and it’s just… not as good. You need to hear the gentle scratches of the vinyl to make it even more nostalgic and delicious.

Why am I posting this in April and not in December? Well, that’s a good question. If I told you I was posting about it now because it’s a very hard record to locate and you might need the extra months to track it down and buy it - would you believe me in that reasoning? ‘Cause that’s pretty solid reasoning. Do I actually think you’re going to search your local flea markets for said record? An even better question. Do what you want. If you don’t want to make your world a little brighter with this timeless album, then that’s on you, son.

This back cover of a Smashing Pumpkins album will forever stand as the only tattoo I would ever want to get. Where would I want it? Full back. Like, full back. Of course it’ll never happen, since I don’t think I’d want it there for life. But if it’s ever possible to make your own fake tattoos, then this will be my pièce de résistance for approximately one week or so (or, you know, however long fake ones last).

Love, love, love this image so much.  

Fury of the Day

Dear Construction Workers of the past, present and future,

If I drive past your work area where there are roads and/or lanes being blocked off with construction tape/pylons/what-have-you, with the intention of, you know, construction work being done - then, please oh please, BE FUCKING WORKING AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME. 

When I see an area guarded off due of construction and whole lanes of cars getting screwed by empty areas with NO CONSTRUCTION ACTIVITY going on and thus CREATING TRAFFIC, and notice there isn’t work being done at that second?! Fuck you. Just fuck you to hell. You’re a piece of dirt, construction industry. This is why people hate you. ‘Cause you don’t give a shit about anyone. You’re purposely screwing tons of people with your ANTICIPATION of work being done and it’s bullshit. Go to hell.

Edit note: Sorry. This was just on my mind today. And is on my mind often. I, in no way, hate all construction workers. Just the industry. I feel like at some point in time, we all come up with a certain career we hate. Like how my dad will always hate firefighters (his words: “What do they do all day?! Nothing.”) and one of my brothers will always hate tow truck drivers, no matter what (“It’s unfair that they think they own the road. No one’s allowed to run stop signs, jerks.”).

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Birthday!

(I’m putting this up now at 10am, since my Oz post was so delayed. Balance!) 

Okay, this is just an advice post. A Liz Advice piece, if you will. Why am I doing this? Well, because it’s my birthday. I’ve been on this planet for twenty-eight years now and I like to think that I’ve learned some things. I, in no way, know it all. Duh. I’m not Beyonce. (Yet.) But here are a few things I’ve learned thus far…

Things You Should Do

• Save emails that have compliments about you in them. They’ll make you feel nicer at times when you’re in low places.
• Mail things. Everyone will always love mail. In the history of time, no one has ever angrily said, “Ah, God. Mail?!” 
• Try to attain soft elbows. Someone’s gonna be touching them at some point. Make sure they’re up to par.
• Talk to your parents/parent a lot or more than a fair amount. They’re gonna say insightful things sometimes. A lot of it will be mediocre at best, but it’s best not to be a dick to humans who brought you here, dummy. 
• Take at least two vacations a year. Even if they’re only to places as far as the next city over. Everyone is in a better mood on vacation.
• If/when you have nieces/nephews, be as present in their lives as you possibly can. It’s important for everyone involved. 
• See an ophthalmologist at least once a year, every year. Eyes are just as important as teeth and no one ever talks about that fact. Just go.
• See a dentist twice a year. Not as important as the eye guy, but still up there.
• Hold grudges. Or rather, don’t be afraid to hold grudges. Sometimes people are just dirt and it’s good to remember that and not give them too much of yourself. 
• Retweet.

Things You Shouldn’t Do

• Obsess about your weight/body. No one cares. It’s boring to hear and talk about. Spare us all.
• Be alone when you are sick. Call someone over. It helps your state of mind times a million. Having someone to complain to heals an illness 50% quicker, I’d imagine.
• Eat fast food more than once a week. Are you simple? Don’t do that. You’re better than that.
• Be weird about hugging.
• Point and laugh at someone. Even as a joke. I really can’t stand this. Too mean.
• Bungee jump. Have you ever seen a YouTube bungee jumping video before? Don’t. Do. It.
• Say, “WHAT?!” with an angry face when you can’t hear someone. 
• Think that Beyonce’s better than you. Yeah, she’s got beauty/money/success/family/talent/style/security/thebesttumblr/etc., but I’m sure she has her own issues going on. You’re great, too. Don’t forget that. 
• Smile at anyone on the street after 11pm.
• Favorite.

Thanks for reading, guys. 

Birthdayly yours,

Liz

I gave this book to my thirteen year old niece and if I ever give this book as a gift to someone again, I’ll say the exact same thing on the front page. THE LAST CHAPTER IS SO UNNECESSARY. And maybe this is rude/bold/ignorant/silly of me to encourage, but this is my blog, not yours. So back off. 

Why do I feel so strongly about this? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because,

“God, I wish you could have been there.”

is the greatest final line OF ALL TIME.

Valentine's Day

Dear People Who Think They’re Better Than Valentine’s Day,

Y’AINT.

Yes, this day encourages people to be nice to other people. Yes, people shouldn’t need these specific days to FORCE someone they care for to do something nice for them, because yes they should do those things on any old day of the week/month/whatever. But you see, the thing is – NOBODY DOES NICE THINGS ON ANY OLD DAY. That isn’t how it works. Or rather, it’s rare. We’re all so busy, it appears. People typically don’t have the energy to be kind all the time, and that’s just the way it goes for the most part, which I understand. Each of our daily lives get clouded with junk that consumes most of our hourly thoughts and in turn, time goes on, and so does stress and worry and that doesn’t ever stop, I’m assuming. So yes, I think it’s great that we have these kinds of days to force others into remembering how great certain people are. I’m past my early twenties now and I no longer can respect anyone for saying, “Oh nah, so-and-so doesn’t BELIEVE in Valentine’s Day and neither do I and BLAH BLAH BLAH we’re better than that.” ‘Cause NO ONE is better than that. No matter what you say or who you are. You may honestly think these are stupid days to celebrate, I understand that, but to put yourself above it – is so far past unattractive to me now and should be to you as well. The only way I can understand someone adhering to that policy is if that someone is telling their loved ones at least once a month how utterly fucking amazing they are, then I’ll understand. And I am in no way saying that a person needs a gift from their partner as a sign of affection. I am saying that when that person can give a shit enough so that they can spend two minutes out of their day trying to think of something/some act that may possibly make their mate’s day a little brighter, well, that I’m on board with. It has nothing to do with money, it has nothing to do with whatever is given. It has to do with the fact that we are all busy. And everyday life DOES get in the way of thoughts unexpressed. (And as a tiny sidenote, I think it’s so strange when a man gives a woman a gift on an anniversary or Valentine’s day but the woman does not give him anything? That’s fucking weird to me.)

And more importantly, when did this day become just about your partner? What the hell is with that? Yeah, my boyfriend’s lovely as fuck, but there are tons of other people in my life whom I care for as well and should fucking be celebrated today. 

I think it’s very clear that our society needs these days to make individuals feel great for a moment since we’re all so goddam consumed with the meaningless minutia of being on certain paths that blind us to the great people in our lives. 

(Just re-read this post, didn’t realize I sound angry as a madman in it. Sorry about that. It’s a beautiful day, and you’re sweet for reading.)

xx,

liz

Tabloids

When I go into a drugstore, grocery store, book store or anywhere that sells magazines, I have a little tendency that’s begun to take over my body/being. What is this tendency? I turn most (or all) the covers of tabloid magazines over, so that their back cover is what shows on a magazine stand.

Why do I do this? I did it once a few years ago, and now I can’t really stop. There aren’t words to describe how much I loathe People Magazine. And US Magazine. And any “story” TMZ would jump to “cover”. Absolutely anything tabloid related. (Sidenote: this is my absolute favourite blog post about tabloids that I’ve ever read, written by a beautiful man who’s very funny.) This hatred has grown over the years to an extent that is almost unmanageable today. And I’m really only sharing this because it makes me so mad and I’ll feel less crazy if it isn’t a secret thing that I do anymore.

Also, I’m not talking about this now with the intent of saying that you should be doing this as well… this is a stupid thing to do. I know that. But every time I do it, I literally believe that maybe ONE less of these awful, hate-filled pieces of trash will be sold. I know that’s a naive thought, and I’m okay with that. People are allowed to read whatever they want. If they want to read these magazines that badly then they’ll turn them over and FIND the goddam one they’re looking for and then buy it. And that’s fine. BUT my feeling is that people do NOT want to buy these magazines, but are swayed by the ridiculously stupid headings and glamorized photos of PEOPLE WE DO NOT KNOW PERSONALLY.

I know now I’m really just getting into the idea of celebrity and the absurdness that surrounds it, but that’s really another topic. 

The root of this all? I don’t want to see a plethora of “post-baby bodies” or who’s getting divorced or Blue fucking Ivy’s first fetus photo or ANY kind of details on someone’s “secret wedding” — I DON’T CARE. NO ONE INTELLIGENT SHOULD CARE. Does reading this trash make me feel good about myself?! Does criticizing others make my goddam day a little easier? FUCK. OFF. 

People complain about reality television a lot these days, but these magazines are a billion times worse. It makes no sense to me why we as a SOCIETY are being encouraged to analyze and excessively compliment or condemn people we do not know. What on earth is there to gain by being so invested in the details of their lives? 

I, in no way, can fully place blame on the people who read this kind of trash (yes, they aren’t helping the problem), but since these magazines, entertainment shows, the E! network and endless awards shows are all attributes constantly occupying your field of vision and your television sets, it makes sense that they’re so popular. I doubt they’ll stop printing them, ever. I’m not trying to start a movement here, guys. But maybe, if you agree with ANY of this post, then turn over one of these magazines the next time you’re waiting in line. And maybe for one mere moment you’ll save someone the agony of having to hear about Kim Kardashian’s baby bump being compared to the size of her ass.

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The Simpsons Sailboat Painting

My mom painted this herself and gave it to me as a Christmas gift two years ago. If you don’t know why it’s great, well… I feel for you. I really do. Mainly because it’s an homage to one of the greatest television shows OF OUR TIME. This is the one item in my possession that I would feel it necessary to pass onto my future children as a family heirloom of sorts… I can already envision myself making a really big fuss when those ungrateful little cretins don’t give a damn about it. 

These smoke dealies make me very happy for some reason. Or whenever there’s smoke coming out of the sewer? UGH, SUCH SEXY IMAGERY.