Gross Confession of the Day

by Liz Heather in ,

This will be a new segment where I will divulge one of my gross personal habits. I’m pretty judgemental about the things I tell you to do and like, I realize - so to balance that out, I figured this would be a welcome addition and reminder of the fact that I’m just as gross as everyone else.

Confession #1:
I don’t wash my bras. I think I’ve washed maybe four bras in my entire life. And each time I did it - it took FOREVER ‘cause I did it in the sink, so that’s pretty much why I refuse to do it again. Too time consuming, can’t be bothered. (This does not include sports bras, I’m not a mutant.)

(I was about to lie to you and go, “Oh, but it’s no big deal ‘cause I buy a billion bras and throw them away so often, so it doesn’t make a difference!” but I stopped myself. Because I value you and you deserve to hear an honest account of my repugnant behaviour.)

(Confession #2 can be found over here.)

Fury of the Day - Mannequin Lies

by Liz Heather in ,

One of most irritating things about living in this society? Constantly being lied to. Now that's kind of a broad statement, but if I may narrow in just a bit on what I mean, let me proceed.

So what's my problem?

THIS.

What do I mean? That bunched-up material that gets pinned up at the back of a shirt or dress on a mannequin? Yeah, that. That's fucking fraud. That shirt or dress does NOT look the way that you're trying to tell me it does. Therefore, I hate you, store. And I always will. Why does this act have to be done? Why can't you just be real with me? Does the dress look that bad if you DON'T do this maneuver? Can I merely request that you PUT THE FUCKING SHIRT ON THE GODDAM LIFELESS BODY AND MOVE ON TO YOUR NEXT TASK, sales employee? Don't try and fucking trick me into thinking this is how it's gonna look on my body. I'm a human woman. And I don't bunch up my shirt at the back like that, you know this about me and yet you don't seem to care.

And also, if the material of any given dress or shirt doesn't hug a body in the way that you're FORCING it to, have you considered that maybe some people are actually looking for something that doesn't accentuate every part of a body? Maybe some women WANT a dress that just rests on their frame and doesn't showcase every curve and nuance of the female form. Is that a shocking want? Do you not understand why someone might LIKE a dress that maybe doesn't fucking force you to showcase how tiny your waist is?

Honestly, I don't see this a lot anymore, but it definitely occurs more than it should. It happens to be rampant at The Gap and most department stores. And when I do see it, I lose my mind for a minute. Makes me so fucking mad.

If you're thinking I'm too angry about this... ugh. Stop reading my blog! This is not meant to be angry, it is merely said with passion. I could go on to say how small things like this are part of a larger problem, but I will leave it at that.

Recipes From My Kindergarten Class

by Liz Heather in ,

This was just found in my parent's basement - they're a collection of recipes that myself and other classmates wrote in 1989. (Please note: I still like to speak in brackets.)

Stacey is killing it.

So either I was a full blown liar by age four or my dad really put up with a lot from me and ate this garbage at least once because I made it. Definitely one of those two things. Click through the ones below to see other great ones from the book.

Fury of the Day - "...And Many More To Come!"

by Liz Heather in

Celebrations are great. This thought is pretty universal, yes? Therefore, birthdays should be pretty great. My hope for the future is that as I age I continue to be:

  • Cool with whatever age I'm at
  • Only sad about not being "young" for a maximum of 24 hours
  • Into getting gifts (I've seen a pattern of older people not wanting gifts as they age. I don't want to be that kind of grandma. Give me gifts.)
  • Wicked as hell

It isn't my birthday soon, but I noticed something today that makes me so mad I had to mention it before I forget.

You know those people who wish you a happy birthday and then follow that with, "...and many more to come!" These people enrage the fuck out of me with that comment. Such a moronic thing to say to someone, especially on a day when maybe they're already not feeling the best. My questions for these cretins are as follows.

1. Are you saying this to someone who is older than you? 'Cause in that case, whoa. That's beyond rude. It sounds like you're wishing for them not to die QUITE so soon.  Is it just me who hears it that way? Am I wrong here? Such a dick thing to say. Why do you have to mention the future at all? Can't we focus on this birthday THAT IS HAPPENING NOW and leave it in peace? 

2. Are you saying this to someone younger than you? Well, that doesn't make any sense at all. And I've heard this said to a child before and the kid's face was all *what's-happening* after they heard it. Makes zero sense. When I've heard it from someone older, I always think, "Bitch, I should be saying this to your old ass."

3. Aren't we all wishing and hoping that WE'VE ALL got many more to come? Does this thought need to be expressed aloud? Should I thank you for saying it?! I HATE YOU.

The first time some idiot said this to me was when I was 23 and it confused the fuck out of me. Can we just strike this "wish" from all of our combined vocabularies? I feel like the people who say this sentiment are also the same people who tell me I “look tired”. Just crawl in a hole and die, you're the worst.

Some people will not understand this fury. You're sitting there in your cushy "apartment", thinking, "But Liz, they're just trying to say they hope you have a long and happy life! What's the problem?"

If that's you, then you've definitely said this to someone in the past and should be ashamed of yourself. Stop saying it. Hate it/you so much. 

xx

Thank You

by Liz Heather in

Just so we're clear, I am grateful to you.

I know that sentence isn't enough - and that thought makes me so mad. I want to express so hard to you just how much it means to me that you would ever want to read any of these words or posts or anything that I've put up on this site over this past year. Any of it - the stuff you've liked and especially the stuff where you've been all "Meh, not my thing," 'cause you still came back to see what else I got - and for that? Man. That's really fucking nice - and I thank you from the pit of stomach. I don't think you realize how kind it is and how much I bask in knowing that even one person gave a shit about anything written here. We're all busy and we all have a million things to do, and this blog has been one of my major things to try and maintain this year because it's brought me a great deal of happiness to try and do. And it makes me fucking blush to think of anyone smiling for a millisecond because of something he/she has read on here. 

Andrew Hamm, I'm especially thankful for you and your Mom Says illustrations each week. They are my favourite part of the site. Just to clue the rest of you in, Andrew drew this first Mom Says and sent it to me as a gift just because he wanted to. And obviously, I loved it. Who wouldn't? And when I selfishly asked if he could keep doing them each week, he agreed and here we are. This man has more important things to do, but still does these for me and he's incredible for it. What kind of person receives a gift and then responds with, "Man, this gift is amazing. But you know what would be greater? If you continued to gift me with things just like this one EVERY SINGLE WEEK into the foreseeable future. Thanks." That's essentially what I said to him. One day he'll get sick of doing them and stop because that's what a sane person would do and I'll still be thankful for all this hard work. Andrew, you're the best.

I want to hug all of you.

Yours,

Liz

Gift From Paul

by Liz Heather in ,

I was lucky enough to get some ridiculously good Christmas gifts this year. Why? Probably 'cause I was a really fucking good girl. Here's one of the top ones from the overly-amazing Paul Fishman.

IT'S A MOM SAYS BOOK!

(click the image to see more)

Inside Cover

Inside Back Cover

Honestly, I was speechless. Just such a thoughtful gift. I've wanted to put out a book of those sayings for awhile now and then sell it on the site. So I can't really express how sweet this was to receive. More details coming soon on when they'll be available. 

Also, an obvious thank-you-times-a-million to Paul is in order - but Andrew Hamm? Go to hell, you're amazing for drawing all of these.

Correspondence

by Liz Heather in

I write letters every so often, and you're probably going to get a birthday card from me in the mail if we've met more than 3.2 times. Why is this? It isn't because I'm kinder than you are - it's because I love mail. And typically speaking, the more you give the more you get. And really, receiving any kind of handwritten mail is just so romantic to me. Even if it's from someone whom I have no romantic feelings for. It's just a sweet thought to think of someone sitting at a desk for a minute and writing out my address with their fingers. Fuck, that's so nice. 

Why is it great to write letters or send cards?

  • No one has any time to be calling all the important people in his/her life every week or even month - but a letter is so much easier to write and send, in my opinion. And the best part? It's one way. They can choose to reply or not! I love that! 
  • Whenever people go away, they will usually always send me a postcard since they know how into correspondence I am - and I love postcards. Pictures of great places, with words about how great it is? Yes, please! 
  • The amount of effort put into writing and sending any form of letter or card is so minimal, but that same effort seems so large when received. And that's great! Minimal effort, but with a nice payoff.
  • One day I will be dead. And how will you know it? You'll stop receiving cards from me. I really think a lot of people will find out that way, about my death. Is that abnormal to think about? I think I like it. Someone off somewhere just going, "Hmmm... Liz hasn't sent anything this year. She must have passed on. Sad." That idea seems so nice to me. (I'm taking liberties with assuming the "Sad." line, I realize.)
  • Sometimes people forget that you love or care about them. And really, there are so many people in all of our lives, it's hard to keep track of them all especially when we're so invested in our own junk going on. So sending something once in awhile is just a gentle reminder that, "Hey! You're being thought of!" Which, I think, is always an instant boost.

Now if you're sitting there going, "Hey dummy, y'ever heard of email?" -- don't speak to me like that. Email is wonderful. My problem with it is that it's too fast. Sometimes I don't want to write to someone and know that I'll get their reply instantly. I feel like doing that lessens whatever words we've exchanged. Not because they weren't meaningful, but because the whole experience was too quick for me to put any value in it - and likely, I'll forget about it even more quickly and move on to other things going on in my day. Everyone's in such a hurry, and I don't want to be in a hurry with them. 

Even if you do it once a year, please mail someone something. Guaranteed it'll make them happier for even just a second. 

I didn't intend for this to be so long, I apologize. If I had your address, I could've just mailed this to you and saved us all some time.