Few things in life give me more pleasure than sitting down with a giant mug of Coffee Crisp hot chocolate and slowly reading every detail that affects Martha Stewart's scheduled month. This page is the first page of every issue and even I don't really understand exactly why I love it so much, to be honest. The organization of her life maybe? How envious I am of her gardening skills? The fact that she uses phrases like "Gentle Reminders"? I don't know. It's a complicated kind of love. One that I hope to never quite fully understand. She's just so in control of her life. Love this woman so much.
Gross Confession of the Day
This is a new segment where I will divulge one of my gross personal habits. I’m pretty judgemental about the things I tell you to do and like, I realize - so to balance that out, I figured this would be a welcome addition and reminder of the fact that I’m just as gross as everyone else.
Confession #2:
I don’t wear deodorant. Nor have I ever. Why? Two reasons. (Well, it's really just the first reason mainly.)
- My mom never did - so she never taught me to, I guess.
- A homeless person on the subway once told me that using deodorant increases your chances to get breast cancer. Okay, okay, that might-be/IS completely unfounded. But a fourteen year old girl who hears that is definitely going to remember a statement like that, and it may or may not affect the rest of her life.
I told my boyfriend this no-wearing-deodorant fact finally at four years into our relationship and even then had to add the lie of, “Well, I’ll wear it if I’m working out or something…” which is definitely not true. But I had to add on some kind of lie since the initial confession was met with the most repulsed face I've ever seen him emote. I do keep travel-sized deodorants in my room, untouched, just incase someone sleeps over and is all, “Oh, I forgot mine. Can I use yours?” You have to have all your bases covered when you’re being especially gross, I've learned. I also use them in the summertime for other things, as you already know.
I like to think that I've trained my body to not smell all the time by not having the dependence on any deodorants. But maybe that's a crazy thought and you're sitting there being all, "Finally, I know why Liz stinks!" Anyway, we all have our things.
To read Confession #1, go on over here. And if you happen to have some gross confessions of your own, I happen to love reading them so please email me.
Fury of the Day - The Academy Awards
It hards to pinpoint exactly why I hate the Academy Awards, but here are a few of the major reasons why I do and why you should, too.
The red carpet. I get it - people look great, so let's look at them. And good for them! But that's not what this carpet is for - if you've ever actually sat through this awful "pre-show" with a group of people, you are definitely going to hear the likes of, "Fuck, she looks horrible. Look at that hair! That's disgusting," amongst the people you're watching with. Why is this? I don't know, we're all especially mean to people we don't know who have fame and money? And we think we have the RIGHT to criticize these people? That's what I assume, anyway. Which is obviously fucked up.
The "interviewers" on the red carpet. I hate these people because they're asking questions that absolutely no one gives a fuck about. "Who are you wearing?" Is it just me or does the answer to that question affect me IN NO FUCKING WAY WHATSOEVER? The questions, the answers - I hate them all. And I know that some people watch these "interviews" to see if so-and-so is going to be likable or a dick, so we can all talk about it later. But the thing is - WE DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. STOP ACTING LIKE WE SHOULD CARE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE AS HUMANS FOR THE THIRTY SECONDS WE'RE SEEING THEM SPEAK.
If a certain movie wins, does that make it a better movie? No, of course not. We know this fact already. But the thing is - WE SHOULDN'T CARE WHAT WINS AND WHAT DOESN'T. I think it's pretty clear that we all have pretty differing tastes and so maybe it isn't a crazy idea to each seek out and find our own "best picture" on our own terms. And a small side note: if you only see a movie because it won some award? Go fuck yourself. You're such a huge part of this problem, I have nothing to say to you.
Acting doesn't deserve awards. I'm not sorry. It just doesn't. Seeing some great performance doesn't have the ability to wow me for days, maybe that's just me. Even if it did, do these actors deserve this ridiculously lofty, self-centered treatment for the rest of my goddam life? I don't get why we're supposed to pretend as if these people are changing all of our lives. It's art, I get it. But how the hell did acting get so far above any other kind of expressive art?
The "speeches". I put that in quotations because these are not speeches anymore. I don't know if they ever were, to be honest. These are now thank you acknowledgments. If you look up what the fucking word 'speech' means - it's a goddam "spoken expression of ideas and opinions." If you manage to win an award and go up to that podium, granted, other people helped you get there. But the other fucking billion percent of people who are watching you up there don't really give a fuck about those thanked people. It would make so much more sense to say something that would maybe, I don't know, inspire the tons of people giving you their attention at that moment in time? Or say something that shows how happy you are! Share something insightful to help express your gratitude! Say SOMETHING that makes you human for a minute and that can be shared amongst your "fans" and audience. And what I really don't get? These people who love watching the Oscars - aren't they pissed with all the thanking they have to hear? Do they ENJOY this part?! What the fuck are they getting out of this?! WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THIS SO INTENTLY?!
The length of the whole thing. I've said this before,and I'll say it again. This entire awards ceremony feels like thousands of rich, entitled, (dominantly) white people jacking each other off continuously for about four hours intercut with commercial breaks for us to casually bask in their supreme greatness - and we, the viewers, are all supposed to lovingly froth at the mouth and collectively watch every fucking second of it, and then talk about it endlessly the next day to one another. WHAT IS HAPPENING?! HOW IS THIS THE WORLD?!
The fact that these shit shows are televised is the part that makes me over-the-top mad. If they weren't broadcasted to us at all? Who knows how I might feel in that case.
And I'm only singling out the Academy Awards because they're happening this weekend - ALL awards shows for television/movies/music are equally terrible. I only wish that they would stop airing them for us to see. All of these shows are wasting our time and their time so equally. Please stop watching, you're better than that.
You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.
Gross Confession of the Day
This will be a new segment where I will divulge one of my gross personal habits. I’m pretty judgemental about the things I tell you to do and like, I realize - so to balance that out, I figured this would be a welcome addition and reminder of the fact that I’m just as gross as everyone else.
Confession #1:
I don’t wash my bras. I think I’ve washed maybe four bras in my entire life. And each time I did it - it took FOREVER ‘cause I did it in the sink, so that’s pretty much why I refuse to do it again. Too time consuming, can’t be bothered. (This does not include sports bras, I’m not a mutant.)
(I was about to lie to you and go, “Oh, but it’s no big deal ‘cause I buy a billion bras and throw them away so often, so it doesn’t make a difference!” but I stopped myself. Because I value you and you deserve to hear an honest account of my repugnant behaviour.)
(Confession #2 can be found over here.)
Fury of the Day - Mannequin Lies
One of most irritating things about living in this society? Constantly being lied to. Now that's kind of a broad statement, but if I may narrow in just a bit on what I mean, let me proceed.
So what's my problem?
THIS.
What do I mean? That bunched-up material that gets pinned up at the back of a shirt or dress on a mannequin? Yeah, that. That's fucking fraud. That shirt or dress does NOT look the way that you're trying to tell me it does. Therefore, I hate you, store. And I always will. Why does this act have to be done? Why can't you just be real with me? Does the dress look that bad if you DON'T do this maneuver? Can I merely request that you PUT THE FUCKING SHIRT ON THE GODDAM LIFELESS BODY AND MOVE ON TO YOUR NEXT TASK, sales employee? Don't try and fucking trick me into thinking this is how it's gonna look on my body. I'm a human woman. And I don't bunch up my shirt at the back like that, you know this about me and yet you don't seem to care.
And also, if the material of any given dress or shirt doesn't hug a body in the way that you're FORCING it to, have you considered that maybe some people are actually looking for something that doesn't accentuate every part of a body? Maybe some women WANT a dress that just rests on their frame and doesn't showcase every curve and nuance of the female form. Is that a shocking want? Do you not understand why someone might LIKE a dress that maybe doesn't fucking force you to showcase how tiny your waist is?
Honestly, I don't see this a lot anymore, but it definitely occurs more than it should. It happens to be rampant at The Gap and most department stores. And when I do see it, I lose my mind for a minute. Makes me so fucking mad.
If you're thinking I'm too angry about this... ugh. Stop reading my blog! This is not meant to be angry, it is merely said with passion. I could go on to say how small things like this are part of a larger problem, but I will leave it at that.
You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.
Recipes From My Kindergarten Class
This was just found in my parent's basement - they're a collection of recipes that myself and other classmates wrote in 1989. (Please note: I still like to speak in brackets.)
Stacey is killing it.
So either I was a full blown liar by age four or my dad really put up with a lot from me and ate this garbage at least once because I made it. Definitely one of those two things. Click through the ones below to see other great ones from the book.
Fury of the Day - "...And Many More To Come!"
Celebrations are great. This thought is pretty universal, yes? Therefore, birthdays should be pretty great. My hope for the future is that as I age I continue to be:
Cool with whatever age I'm at
Only sad about not being "young" for a maximum of 24 hours
Into getting gifts (I've seen a pattern of older people not wanting gifts as they age. I don't want to be that kind of grandma. Give me gifts.)
Wicked as hell
It isn't my birthday soon, but I noticed something today that makes me so mad I had to mention it before I forget.
You know those people who wish you a happy birthday and then follow that with, "...and many more to come!" These people enrage the fuck out of me with that comment. Such a moronic thing to say to someone, especially on a day when maybe they're already not feeling the best. My questions for these cretins are as follows.
1. Are you saying this to someone who is older than you? 'Cause in that case, whoa. That's beyond rude. It sounds like you're wishing for them not to die QUITE so soon. Is it just me who hears it that way? Am I wrong here? Such a dick thing to say. Why do you have to mention the future at all? Can't we focus on this birthday THAT IS HAPPENING NOW and leave it in peace?
2. Are you saying this to someone younger than you? Well, that doesn't make any sense at all. And I've heard this said to a child before and the kid's face was all *what's-happening* after they heard it. Makes zero sense. When I've heard it from someone older, I always think, "Bitch, I should be saying this to your old ass."
3. Aren't we all wishing and hoping that WE'VE ALL got many more to come? Does this thought need to be expressed aloud? Should I thank you for saying it?! I HATE YOU.
The first time some idiot said this to me was when I was 23 and it confused the fuck out of me. Can we just strike this "wish" from all of our combined vocabularies? I feel like the people who say this sentiment are also the same people who tell me I “look tired”. Just crawl in a hole and die, you're the worst.
Some people will not understand this fury. You're sitting there in your cushy "apartment", thinking, "But Liz, they're just trying to say they hope you have a long and happy life! What's the problem?"
If that's you, then you've definitely said this to someone in the past and should be ashamed of yourself. Stop saying it. Hate it/you so much.
xx
You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.
Faux Fur from Aritzia
Babaton Dane Collar available at Aritzia, $60
Babaton Dane Collar available at Aritzia, $60
Stole (noun): a woman's long scarf or shawl, esp. fur or similar material, worn loosely over the shoulders.
All right, now that you know what it is (and really, you should've known already) - make your world eons more glamourous and GO BUY ONE! I'd only heard of their existence a few years ago when my friend Marla had one and I immediately scoured the streets for one to call my own. This one specifically feels more amazing than it should considering that it's faux mink.
I bought this exact one in brown last winter and never used it. Why not? I didn't think I was money enough to wear one at that time. Clearly I was, since I had purchased it, but I just couldn't bring myself to wear it in public.
This winter however? I'm being showcased on all around town in it. I literally will not leave home without it. I really want to buy the one in white, but I'm waiting until the end of the season when hopefully it'll be cheaper.
So fucking soft and pretty.
Thank You
Just so we're clear, I am grateful to you.
I know that sentence isn't enough - and that thought makes me so mad. I want to express so hard to you just how much it means to me that you would ever want to read any of these words or posts or anything that I've put up on this site over this past year. Any of it - the stuff you've liked and especially the stuff where you've been all "Meh, not my thing," 'cause you still came back to see what else I got - and for that? Man. That's really fucking nice - and I thank you from the pit of stomach. I don't think you realize how kind it is and how much I bask in knowing that even one person gave a shit about anything written here. We're all busy and we all have a million things to do, and this blog has been one of my major things to try and maintain this year because it's brought me a great deal of happiness to try and do. And it makes me fucking blush to think of anyone smiling for a millisecond because of something he/she has read on here.
Andrew Hamm, I'm especially thankful for you and your Mom Says illustrations each week. They are my favourite part of the site. Just to clue the rest of you in, Andrew drew this first Mom Says and sent it to me as a gift just because he wanted to. And obviously, I loved it. Who wouldn't? And when I selfishly asked if he could keep doing them each week, he agreed and here we are. This man has more important things to do, but still does these for me and he's incredible for it. What kind of person receives a gift and then responds with, "Man, this gift is amazing. But you know what would be greater? If you continued to gift me with things just like this one EVERY SINGLE WEEK into the foreseeable future. Thanks." That's essentially what I said to him. One day he'll get sick of doing them and stop because that's what a sane person would do and I'll still be thankful for all this hard work. Andrew, you're the best.
I want to hug all of you.
Yours,
Liz
Gift From Paul
I was lucky enough to get some ridiculously good Christmas gifts this year. Why? Probably 'cause I was a really fucking good girl. Here's one of the top ones from the overly-amazing Paul Fishman.
IT'S A MOM SAYS BOOK!
(click the image to see more)
Inside Cover
Inside Back Cover
Honestly, I was speechless. Just such a thoughtful gift. I've wanted to put out a book of those sayings for awhile now and then sell it on the site. So I can't really express how sweet this was to receive. More details coming soon on when they'll be available.
Also, an obvious thank-you-times-a-million to Paul is in order - but Andrew Hamm? Go to hell, you're amazing for drawing all of these.