I Remember Nothing and Other Reflections by Nora Ephron - A Review

This book was fantastic and I didn't expect it to be, which made it even better. I really hadn't heard a ton about Nora Ephron before reading it and I've really only ever known her name because of the gem that is Julie & Julia (but more on that in another post). So glad I picked it up, though. Best parts are ahead.

• I will always love hearing someone's mother's advice about anything/everything and this piece of advice I loved: "Red meat keeps your hair from turning gray."
• I love this description of her time in New York: "I'd known since I was a child that I was going to live in New York eventually, and that everything in between would just be an intermission. I'd spent all those years imagining what New York was going to be like. I thought it was going to be the most exciting, magical, fraught-with-possibility place that you could ever live; a place where if you really wanted something you might be able to get it; a place where I'd be surrounded by people I was dying to know; a place where I might be able to become the only thing worth being, a journalist. And I'd turned out to be right."
• Here's some really sound advice from the chapter where she criticizes people who prefer egg white omelettes: "You don't make an omelette by taking out the yolks. You make one by putting additional yolks in. A really good omelette has two whole eggs and one extra yolk, and by the way, the same thing goes for scrambled eggs."
• I don't fully agree with her sentiments here, but I loved the way she put this: "I have a pile of her letters. When I look through them, it all comes back to me - how much I'd loved the early letters, how charmed I'd been, how flattered, how much less charming they began to seem, how burdensome they became, and then, finally, how boring. The story of love."
• The idea of putting your own recipes alongside your own essays or personal stories in a book is so lovely, I can barely stand it.
• When she defines divorce as "a slice of anger in the pie of your brain."
• "One good thing I'd like to say about divorce is that it sometimes makes it possible for you to be a much better wife to your next husband because you have a place for your anger; it's not directed at the person you're currently with."
• I love how much she loves the frozen custards from Shake Shack, which reminds me that I still have to try one someday. It's so hard to go to Shake Shack to get a burger and a custard, it's all so heavy - and it's not like I can go there and not get a burger. C'mon.
• She mentioned the restaurant Orso in NYC and now I must go there.
• "We would drive out with the kids the day they got out of school and we wouldn't come back until Labor Day. We were always there for the end of June, my favorite time of the year, when the sun doesn't set until nine-thirty at night and you feel as if you will live forever."
• My favorite things on her "What I Won't Miss" list: technology in general, dead flowers, panels on women in film & taking off makeup every night.
• My favorite things on her "What I Will Miss" list: the idea of a walk in the park, the bed, reading in bed, laughs, the Christmas tree, taking a bath & pie.

Just a great book, definitely give it a read.

Why Not Me? by Mindy Kaling - Review

(Of course Mindy Kaling names this book after the thought that I often have when comparing myself constantly to this wonder of a woman: Why Not Me?)

All right, obvously I enjoyed it - just not as much as I thought I would, but a pretty decent amount. Her first book was so alarmingly charming and great, so it makes sense that it would be hard to top. Don't get me wrong, though, this one's definitely a great read. The main different between this one and her first one? Why Not Me? felt way more intimate, if that makes any sense. I know that both books are about her and her life, but this one just felt way more personal in terms of her day-to-day life. Here were my favourite parts:

"I'm the kind of person who becomes silent when I get scared, because I hope Death will not notice me if I am very still and very quiet."

"A heartfelt hug coming from a straight man who has spent the evening drinking with you is like him buying a billboard in Times Square that says I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU."

The whole chapter (around page 192) concerning her body image comments is fantastic. I loved it all. I could list some great lines here, but I started to and they were a' plenty. So just go read that chapter (like, at the book store, if you're too cheap to get it).

"No food is as delicious as food you can eat standing a foot away from a trash can."

Maybe the best paragraph of the book: "If you've got it, flaunt it. And if you don't got it? Flaunt it. 'Cause what are we even doing here if we're not flaunting it?"

In the paragraph about the thoughts that keep her awake at night, one thought listed made me laugh a lot: "What if that commenter on the message boards who posts constantly that I'm an "ugly fat Indian girl who looks like a turd" is someone I know socially?" and another one listed that was so sweet: "Is my father lonely? Would he tell me if he was?"

Reasons To Stay Alive By Matt Haig - A Review

I'd first heard of Matt Haig and this book when I came across an excerpt from his book (Reasons To Stay Alive) a few months ago and thought, "I should read that." I didn't look any further into what the book itself was about, but I should have.

In no way did I hate it, but I kind of wish I hadn't read it. Or rather, I wish I'd read it at some later point in my life. I think I thought that the book was supposed to be about something else (especially based on that one page I initially saw).  I didn't expect it to be as heavy as it was and it really brought me down at times in a way I didn't anticipate. If you've ever suffered from depression or anxiety (or if you've been close with someone who has experienced these things), then I think you'll probably get a lot out of this book. There were definitely memorable things that I took away from reading it (and I'll list those below), but I was so happy when it finally ended. I think it really just came down to the fact that I don't read books like this one typically and now I know why. 

Highlights

• "One of the key symptoms of depression is to see no hope. No future. Far from the tunnel having light at the end of it, it seems like it is blocked at both ends, and you are inside it." 
• "To other people, it (depression) sometimes seems like nothing at all. You are walking around with your head on fire and no one can see the flames."
• "Depression, for me, wasn't a dulling but a sharpening, an intensifying, as though I had been living my life in a shell and now the shell wasn't there. It was total exposure. A red-raw, naked mind. A skinned personality."
• "There is this idea that you either read to escape or you read to find yourself. I don't really see the difference. We find ourselves through the process of escaping."
• "Understand, for instance, that having a sad thought, even having a continual succession of sad thoughts, is not the same as being a sad person. You can walk through a storm and feel the wind but you know you are not the wind. That is how we must be with our minds. We must allow ourselves to feel their gales and downpours, but all the time knowing this is just necessary weather."
• "Hate is a pointless emotion to have inside you. It is like eating a scorpion to punish it for stinging you."
• "Laughing so hard it hurts. Laughing as you bend forward and as your abdomen actually starts to hurt from so much pleasure, so much release, and then as you sit back and audibly groan and inhale deeply, staring at the person next to you, mopping up the joy." - I just fell in love with that phrase "mopping up the joy" it's so perfect. 
• The new words I learned from this book were quixotic, languor and avaricious.

It's definitely well written and insightful as hell. My only advice to you if you read it? Take your time. I didn't take my time with it and maybe that's why I felt so overwhelmed. 

The Bedwetter by Sarah Silverman - A Review

I really enjoyed it (which you may have anticipated) and you should definitely check it out if you haven't already. Best parts ahead.

• "If you're a comic, sooner or later you will either befriend, financially support, or become a homeless person."
• There's a story about the death of her younger brother that's insanely sad, but she tells it in such a delicate way that's so memorable. 
• She wrote a whole page describing how great Garry Shandling is and how he's such an influence to her. "Garry emphasized that it would be up to me to set limits, to know what I can and cannot do, and that "quality of life" does not mean "the most money to can possibly make."
• "After Saturday-night sleepovers I'd go to church on Sundays with my Christian friends and their families far more than I ever went to temple. But both places of worship seemed to be these bizarre forums where authority figures told fucked-up ghost stories between spurts of loving encouragement."

And just incase you're keeping track (you aren't), I'm very much on track with my resolution of reading two books a season. (Winter: Tim Allen & Samantha Irby & Spring: Chelsea Hander & Sarah Silverman)

The Beauty of Yelp

Do you use Yelp? 'Cause you should. Reasons?

1. Everyone goes out to eat.
2. Your opinions matter (but only when they're passionate).

Seems simple enough, doesn't it? Personally, I love Yelp 'cause I wholly encourage overly negative or positive reviews of anything. I used to be the kind of Yelper to give two, three and four stars - but lately I'll only ever give a place either one star or five. There really should be no middle ground. And if the place you're reviewing IS a regular, basic kind of place, then that really isn't the type of restaurant that requires a Yelp review in the first place.

I can't stand it when someone reviews something with phrases like "It was all right" or "The food was adequate." What the hell?! WHO CARES?! How boring of a person are you to think that this average experience you had MATTERS TO ANYONE ELSE? It makes me so mad. Especially when I get tricked into reading those types of reviews. I've learned that the greatly written posts are usually in the one star or five star category, too. And that makes sense! One star/five star reviews elicit passion and/or rage! And that's what everyone wants.

Conclusion? I want you to Yelp. But only when you have an experience that you must inform society about. 

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler - A Review

Note: I've never seen Chelsea Handler's show (or stand up) before, so there's basically no bias whatsoever in this review. 

With the exception of the chapter about her "mini me," I enjoyed this book! Some of my favourite parts ahead.

• "I have a very hard time maintaining my composure when I see anyone cry. It only takes a few seconds for me to start crying, too." I think I liked this line so much because, personally, I love criers. To anyone over the age of 30 who's comfortable with crying - I'm a big fan of you. It's hard to say why, really. I guess it has to do with the fact that criers are so comfortable with it in a world where we're all told constantly to stop crying. Also, I'm a crier. So I have to like criers.
• "Being in jail was similar to being in a hospital bed: You're fine until you see or speak to someone from your family, and then you completely lose your shit."
• "This woman/killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny."
• Honestly, the whole chapter about her being in jail was my favourite part of the book. Partially because it's so interesting to hear about, but also because she describes it so vividly.

Also, remember how I have that new words document that I'm constantly adding to? Well, any time I read a new book, there are usually a ton of words I didn't know the meanings of. So if anyone cares, the words from this book that were added to my list of new words were: egalitarian, alacrity, unctuously and effusive. I usually don't include those in these books reviews, but I thought that I should start since you might not have known these words either. And if you already did? I guess we know who's better than whom. (And if I used that "whom" in the wrong context, you can go right to hell.)

Scandinave Spa

Have you heard of this place? It's a few hours outside of Toronto and completely worth the trek. It's ridiculous that it only costs $50 to spend the day here. 

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There are outdoor heated pools, a cold plunge pool, relaxation rooms, a sauna and a eucalyptus steam room that you can venture into throughout the day. I've only gone during the day (it's best to show up as soon as they open since you might get wait-listed if you show up mid-day), but I can only imagine how gorgeous this place would be at night.

One tip? They have a man who walks around and tells you to quiet down if you're too noisy so keep that in mind. (He says it in a really nice way, though, so it's not too embarrassing.)

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They offer massages that you can book in advance as well. I opted not to have one since, well, massages are awful and last way too long (why can't I just pay, like,  $10 for a five minute massage? That's all anyone needs.), but I've heard the ones here are pretty good. 

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That photo above was taken at the end of the day - can you tell how relaxed I am? No? Well, I think I always look relaxed so it's hard to gauge the varying relaxed-like features, so let me assure you that I was. 

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You should definitely check it out the next time you're near Blue Mountain. Thanks for introducing me to this place, Marla!

Meaty: Essays By Samantha Irby - A Review

REALLY liked it. I'd never heard of Samantha Irby or her blog before reading this book, so this is a completely unbiased post. Here are the notes I made during reading it.

• "You have to order anal sex two days in advance, like peking duck."
• The whole chapter on her mom is insanely interesting and if you're going to read one essay out of the whole book, make it this one.
• Love The One You're With is kind of a really sad song.
• I should re-watch The Wizard of Oz. I wonder if it's still a good movie.
• "What gets me hot is all of the other shit. Dreaming about someone whose allergies I need to remember when I'm at the grocery store: that's where the real romance is. Because I've had sex before. What a fucking snooze, my dude. Sex is so dumb and boring and unless you're in really incredible shape or you have a ridiculous imagination and are into some really freaky shit, what you do and what I do is limited to a handful of very similar things. Even your grandmother has been choked and spit on and handcuffed. Why don't we instead dream up some motherfuckers who will set up the automatic renewal on our magazine subscriptions?"
• "I don't want to fuck a dude who has a "hairstyle.""
• Gotta remember to read some Chelsea Handler to see if I like her.
• "I need to pick one when I go out: EATING THINGS or DRINKING THINGS because doing both makes me poor."
• The recipes she includes at the end of the book? Not only is that adorable as hell, but also the coolest and smartest way to end a book EVER.

You can buy the book on Amazon and her blog can be found at Bitches Gotta Eat.

Special thank you to Adele for the recommendation and the loan!

Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man By Tim Allen - A Review

I kind of knew that I probably wasn't going to enjoy this book after reading the first line on the first page, "This book is about many things I want to say about being a man." And I'm not saying that I wouldn't want to read any book starting with that line - but when it's written by a celebrity (in the mid 90s) who's had a successful show based on his thoughts on the gender divide... I should kind of know what I'm in for after hearing that opening statement. 

To be honest, I really can't think of why I wanted to buy/read this book in the first place. And I hate it when that happens. Maybe the "New York Times Bestseller" swayed me? Maybe 'cause he's a gorgeous man? I don't know. But I need to be choosier with the next book I read since I haven't really gotten off to a good start this year.

The only things I kind of smiled at were:

1. "In the end, women are not much different from golf. With both, the mystery is never revealed. Right when you think you've got it, you suddenly feel like a beginner."
2. When he talks about the different temperatures that men and women prefer their tub water to be at: "You could boil fish in a woman's bathwater. And by the time it turns lukewarm, she's out." 

But that's it! For the most part, there's a lot of "women love shoes and shopping" kind of talk that doesn't really go anywhere. But again, with that opening line - I should've seen it coming. All in all, it was a pretty disappointing book. Probably best to stick to the reruns of Home Improvement and skip this one altogether.

I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This and Other Things That Strike Me as Funny by Bob Newhart - A Review

(Before I begin, I should tell you that I'm fighting the urge to be really negative about this book. Why am I fighting that urge? I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause I'm sure that Bob Newhart is a nice man. And also, I think I'm of the opinion that this book really isn't aimed at my demographic so maybe there was no chance in hell I'd ever have liked it.)

That being said, I intensely disliked this book. If you enjoy hearing the routines (in detailed length) of older comedians' bits, then you'll definitely want to read this. I do not. Nor will I ever. I'm also a fan of memoirs that go a little deeper into the mind of the writer/performer - and this one did no such thing, I thought. And that's fine! That's not his style, I guess. But God, it was a really hard read. 

There, of course, were a few things that I did enjoy and I'll list them now.

• "I've found that fights in marriage are generally about something other than the topic you are arguing over."
• "Comedy can help us make it past something very painful, like death. Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event over which we have no control, deal with it, and then move on with our lives."

That's it. Those are the only parts I liked and/or want to remember. And maybe that makes sense 'cause I'm not an over-70 year old, white man. This book isn't for me! I get that now.

In any case, I'm glad it's over. All I can really say about it is that he's certainly no Martin Short.