Food: A Love Story by Jim Gaffigan - A Review

If I'm not blowing your mind with how many books I've been reading lately, then you're impossible to impress. 

I'm not a huge fan of Jim Gaffigan, to be honest I think I've seen his standup maybe twice and thought that he was as good as anyone else? That sounds mean, but it's really not intended to. In any case, I like reading comedian's books. I had planned on reading his first book Dad Is Fat, but after reading the description... ugh, I really didn't want to read a book about fatherhood. Thankfully, his second book seemed more up my alley. Best parts ahead.

• "I think crudités is a French term meaning "toss in le garbage at end of le party."
• "I don't think fish even like fish. That is why fish are always frowning. "What's that smell? Oh, it's me. I'm a fish. Ugh." "
• "My brother Mike, like many other pickup truck owners, never seems to be picking anything up in his pickup. I find this confusing. It's like walking around with a big empty piece of luggage. "Are you about to travel somewhere?" "No, but I'm the type of guy who would." "
• "There should be way more poetry written about cheeseburgers."
• "If you are eating fries, you definitely are treating yourself. I think we should just rename taking vacations to "eating French fries." French fries are like Crocs. You know you shouldn't, but your life is pretty much over anyway."
• "Apart from its ill-fated name and frightening body, everything about the crab as a creature is creepy. It only moves sideways. To the right and then jerking to the left. It always looks like it's trying to avoid an awkward situation. "Uh-oh. I owe that guy money," as he sidesteps away."

All in all, it was an all right book. Honestly the idea of an entire book being about what one guy thinks of different kinds of food is amazing. I just wish I liked Jim Gaffigan more.

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

I really wanted to love this book because this is the first I've read of his, but I can't say that I did. Sure, there were a few parts I liked, but to be honest it wasn't that enjoyable to read. He sort of drones on and on about various things that I have no interest in. That sentence reads harsher than intended, but what can you do. In any case, here were the highlights.

• When speaking of his jazz-loving father and how he tried to get his children to love jazz as much as he did: "Aside from replaying the tune on your own instrument, how could you prove you were really listening? It was as if he expected us to change color at the end of each selection."
• When he described his father's excitement at all of his children learning instruments and creating a jazz band together: "You certainly couldn't accuse him of being unsupportive. His enthusiasm bordered on mania." - Hahahahah, "mania."
• "And then, eventually, the New York skyline would appear on the horizon and we'd all stop talking. If you happen to live there, it's always refreshing to view Manhattan from afar. Up close the city constitutes an oppressive series of staircases, but from a distance it inspires fantasies of wealth and power so profound that even our communists are temporarily rendered speechless."
• This next excerpt from the book just really made me laugh and I scanned it and printed it mainly so I could send it to my Dad who'll go nuts for it:

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• When talking about NYC's motto: "I don't speak Latin but have always assumed that the city motto translates to either Go Home or We Don't Like You, Either."

All in all, not a huge fan of his so I don't think I'll read any more by him. But I will seek out his sister Amy Sedaris since all of his anecdotes about her were hysterical. Plus I've always intended to read something from her anyway so it's about time.

Girl Walks Into A Bar... By Rachel Dratch - A Review

Are you noticing how I am killing it with my book resolution? ARE YOU SEEING THIS? Spring just started and I'm already finished the book for this season! I don't want to blow your mind, but I may already be reading SPRING BOOK NUMBER TWO, watch out.

I've always liked Rachel Dratch, but I've never really known much about her. This book was great, she's super likable, and here were my favourite parts:

• <When talking about the SNL after parties> "Outsiders picture the parties as these debauched crazy affairs with comedians hanging off the chandeliers. That may have been true in the old days, but in my time, looking around the room, you might think the drug of choice was calamari." - It's not crazy funny or anything, but that line really made me laugh.
• <When she talks about this one time that her pants split on stage> "It all started with the sound of RRRIIIP, the loud sound of tearing fabric. I knew that sound could be only one thing... 'twas my pants splitting, and as luck would have it, this was the one night of my life that I wasn't wearing underwear." - I lost my mind at the word "'twas."
• <And then later in that same paragraph> "At this point in the show, I was sitting on the floor onstage - that's when my pants had split, when I went to sit on the floor. How bad was it? I looked down again. I saw my own humanity." - Hahahahahah, "humanity" is so genius of a word there, I want to scream.
• <When talking about Tina Fey> "I imagine we would both sign off on the statement that in dealing with feelings, she and I have different styles: I am a classic Pisces, prone to sensitivity and emotions, and she is German." - Hahah, love this line.
• Her speaking this way about her childhood dog makes me really love this woman: "She has been gone for more than twenty years now and I still miss her and have dreams about her."
• <When she went to a dog show> "A poodle with its fur in several hair ties and topknots walked endlessly in a circle, obviously insane." - Hahahahahah, "obviously insane"? Again, so funny, so perfect.
• <When at a crib store, talking to a salesperson> "I peered into a high-end crib that had cute padding around all the sides. "Now," said David, "some people are against this padding that goes around the sides, because the baby can roll over and get their face pressed up against it and they can..." He trailed off and made a face of "and you know what happens next." I filled in the blank for him. "She dead."" - Hahahahahahah, this woman is hysterical.
• <When thinking of what to name her baby> "I started to really like the name Hercules. Like for real. There were a few problems with the name, though. One: if I told my mom I was naming the baby Hercules, her head would fall off." - Hahahahah, I mean, am I alone in thinking this woman is the funniest person in the world right now? MAN.
• <When she's started to go into labour and her boyfriend is helping her pack for the hospital> "Umm, pajamas, some baby clothes to bring him home in, uh, an iPod. John said, "Do you want to bring a book?" "No." I continued my frantic packing. Toothbrush! Phone charger! "You want to bring a book!?" "No." Underwear! Camera! Slippers? "Now you're sure you don't want a book." "I don't know how to make this any clearer--I DON'T READ."" - Hahahahahahah, oh man, this woman. Love love love love.

Those are the absolute best parts of the book, in my opinion. And man she seems like such a great person, read this book!

Shrill by Lindy West - A Review

Do you remember ages ago when I posted a quote from Lindy West on here? Well, I still think of those few paragraphs a lot and wondered why I'd never looked up to see what else she'd written. So here we are! I just finished her book and it was phenomenal. Maybe the best thing I've read in the past five years or so. So many favourite parts ahead.

• "America's monomanical fixation on female thinness isn't a distant abstraction, something to be pulled apart by academics in women's studies classrooms or leveraged for traffic in shallow "body-positive" listicles - it is a constant, pervasive taint that warps every single woman's life."
• "Women matter. Women are half of us. When you raise every woman to believe that we are insignificant, we are broken, that we are sick, that the only cure is starvation and restraint and smallness, when you pit women against one another, keep us shackled by shame and hunger, obsessing over our flaws rather than our power and potential; when you leverage all of that to sap our money and our time - that moves the rudder of the world. It steers humanity towards conservatism and walls and the narrow interests of men, and it keeps us adrift in water where women's safety and humanity are secondary to men's pleasure and convenience."
• "The active ingredient in period stigma is misogyny."
• "Maybe periods wouldn't be so frightening if we didn't refer to them as "red tide" or "shark week" or any other euphemism that evokes neurotoxicity or dismemberment. Maybe if we didn't perpetuate the idea that vaginas are disgusting garbage dumps, government officials wouldn't think of vagina care as literally throwing money away. Maybe if girls felt free to talk about their periods in shouts instead of whispers, as loudly in mixed company as in libraries full of moms, boys wouldn't grow up thinking that vaginas are disgusting and mysterious either. Maybe those parts would seem like things worth taking care of. Maybe women would go to the doctor more. Maybe fewer women would die of cervical cancer and uterine cancer. Maybe everyone would have better sex. Maybe women would finally be considered fully formed human beings, instead of off-brand men with defective genitals."
• "The truth is, my discomfort with my period didn't have anything to do with the thing itself - it was just part of the lifelong, pervasive alienation from my body that every woman absorbs to some extent. Your body is never yours. Your body is your enemy. Your body is gross. Your body is wrong. Your body is broken. Your body isn't what men like. Your body is less important than a fetus. Your body should be "perfect" or it should be hidden."
• "Solidarity with other women is one of my drugs of choice." 
• "Loving yourself is not antithetical to health. It is intrinsic to health. You can't take good care of a thing you hate."
• "My dad had four wives; my mom was the last. You could frame that as irresponsibility or womanizing or a fear of being alone, but to me it was a distillation of his unsinkable optimism. He always saw the best in everyone - I imagine, likewise, he stood at the beginning of every romance and saw it unspooling in front of him like a grand adventure, all fun and no pain. The idea that a relationship is a "failure" simply because it ends is a pessimist's construct anyway."
• "Without my mom, would I have the grit to keep going? Without my dad, would I have the idealism to bother?" - Such a nice way to sum up your own parents.
• "Feminists don't single out rape jokes because rape is "worse" than other crimes - we single them out because we live in a culture that actively strives to shrink the definition of sexual assault that casts stalking behaviors as romance; blames victims for wearing the wrong clothes, walking through the wrong neighborhood, or flirting with the wrong person; bends over backwards to excuse boys-will-be-boys misogyny; makes the emotional and social costs of reporting a rape prohibitively high; pretends that false accusations are a more dire problem than actual assaults; elect officials who tell rape victims that their sexual violation was "god's plan"; and convicts in less than 5 percent of rape cases that go to trial. Comedians regularly retort that no one complains when they joke about murder or other crimes in their acts, citing that as a double standard. Well, fortunately, there is no cultural narrative casting doubt on the existence and prevalence of murder and pressuring people not to report it. Maybe we'll start treating rape like other crimes when the justice system does."
• "I am a shy person at heart, and a grieving acquaintance is a shy person's nightmare. The pressure to know the "right" thing to say. Seeing a person without their shell." - Good god, I love the description of a person who's mourning someone else being "without their shell" it's so well put.
• "Other people's grief is not about you; letting self-consciousness supersede empathy is barbaric."
• Part of her husband's vows to her when they got married: "And all those times that I tried so hard to get you to hang out with me, and I just wanted to be around you so much, I've never been more right about anything in my life. The only way I can think to say it is that you are better than I thought people could be." - I mean, my god. I love hearing vows.

Is it clear how much I enjoyed reading this book? I'm pretty sure she's writing another one and I. Cannot. Wait. 

What an incredible woman. Read this damn book now.

I Can Barely Take Care Of Myself By Jen Kirkman - A Review

Ten days into 2018 and I've finished my first book of the year. Is your envy seething?

After reading Jen Kirkman's latest book a few months ago, I really wanted to read her first book. They were both really good, but this one focuses way more on the fact that she doesn't want children (something that I love reading about). Here are some of my favourite parts, written out ahead.

• "I don't know why that happens - that when you're hanging out with someone you know you're going to fall in love with, you just don't know where to begin and you start picking up pieces of your life as though they're old photos randomly gathered in a box and handing them over to a virtual stranger for safekeeping. It's like saying, "Here. I'm excited and hopeful and I don't know where to begin but I think one day we'll eventually have enough time to unpack this thing and make some sense of it all.""
• "It's a weird thing society puts on us women. They tell us that we can have careers (well, after they told us we could vote - they sort of said it would be okay if we wanted to have a career, as long as we agree to get paid less than a man for the same job), and then they tell us that we aren't real women if we have careers but no babies, and if we dare pick a career over a baby... we better at least talk about that career like it's a baby in order to blend in and not call attention to the fact that we're selfish women who are not carrying on the human race."
• "I wasn't sure that Matt was the One. But I took a leap of faith. Romantic love is not parental, instinctual, unconditional love - it's complex. And what if I change my mind about having kids and I decide to have one and then I change my mind again? As gut-wrenching (and expensive) as it is to change your mind about who you love, it's a hell of a lot easier to get divorced than it is to toss a kid back into the sea and tell them that they'll meet someone else someday who will really love them."
• "Parents talk a lot about how much strength and dedication it takes to raise a child. It does. It also takes a lot of strength and dedication to carve out a life that doesn't seem normal to anyone else."

So much love for this woman.

I Know What I'm Doing - and Other Lies I Tell Myself: Dispatches from a Life Under Construction by Jen Kirkman - A Review

Jumping right in here, I absolutely loved this book. I didn't know too much about Jen Kirkman before reading it, but good god do I want more from this woman. Best parts ahead.

• "Bob Odenkirk once said that people should make their art, whatever it is, "as though their parents were dead."" - Love this, will continue to remember this from here on out.
• "I would never want to go through another wedding--a wedding that involves, literally, everyone and their brother attending. What's romantic about making out with someone in front of your uncles? I think the sexiest man in the world is the guy who could approach me at a bar and say, "Hi, I'm an orphan."" - Hahah, love this woman.
• This idea: "Go visit your family on the Fourth of July. There's a lot less drama because nothing is expected of anyone. Without the pressure of having to buy gifts or feel merry and bright - it was the best holiday we ever spent together."
• I will forever enjoy any person who expresses disdain for any kind of Live, Laugh, Love paraphernalia. 
• The idea that she buys a new coat in every new country she visits as that country's souvenir to herself IS JUST A GREAT IDEA.
• Love, love, love: "I saw a burrata appetizer that looked like a small bag of heavenly, oozy cheese - I guess because that's what it is. People should feel bad for people who don't have burrata - not boyfriends."
• "Trust me: traveling with a man doesn't always mean that everything in your life is perfect."
• "...and gazed at the unstoppable stars in the sky." God, I love the way she speaks. Am I, like, IN love with her?!
• "I never understood why traveling is something reserved for lovers only." YES.
• "Having someone who is more frightened than you is the greatest gift to someone who is a little bit frightened. It gives the less frightened person the chance to soothe someone else - which in turn self-soothes."
• "I don't know if I'm a true romantic or just an idiot with an ample imagination or if there's even a difference."
• "A female customer said to me, "You may not have direction but you have style. Your outfit is fantastic. And I hate people and talking to people so for me to even say this - you know you've got it going on." Those kinds of interactions always make me think that if women ran the world there could be world peace."
• "There's no reason to stress out about what you do for your fortieth or whatever-ith birthday. It's not about doing something one night to make memories for the rest of your life - it's about looking at the rest of your life and say, "Am I going where I want to go? Am I who I want to be? Am I defining my personal success based on other people's morals or goals? Can I only achieve happiness with outside validation or would I be truly happy just sitting in a pile of wood chips, being me? How can this year not be a repeat of last year's mistakes and patterns?""
• "All my romantic relationships have ended. Were those relationships not successes? Is success in a relationship only determined by it never ending? That's like saying that someone's life was a failure because... well, death."
• Mental Note: I've got to remember to read Joan Rivers' book Enter Talking because of how fondly she spoke of it. 

Those were just a few of my favourite parts of the book. She also included quotes at the beginning of each chapter, and I know we all think we're above a really good quote, but the fact is that we are not. Quotes are the fucking best. If you're in denial about that, well, I don't wish to debate your sorry ass. I purposely didn't include the quotes from the book that I especially loved in this post because I intend on posting them over the coming weeks. No one wants to be bombarded with twenty phenomenal quotes all at once, your heart can only really take on one at a time, there's a science behind this, I'm telling you. So I'll dole those out in good time. I wish I could endlessly read about this woman's life, she's so funny and great. I can't believe it took me this long to discover her.

If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face? By Alan Alda - A Review

We're all aware of my feelings for Alan Alda. Man's got heart. So it only makes sense that I'd read his latest book. He actually did a signing at Barnes and Noble for this one, but I couldn't make it 'cause of work. In retrospect, I should've just called in sick. I will meet this gem of a man one day and it will be wonderful. Anyway, onto the book!

All right, so this isn't your typical Alda book. In other words, it's in no way autobiographical. It's about communication and empathy, essentially. And at first that really bummed me out 'cause I was expecting it to be another memoir filled with stories and anecdotes. This is not that. It was, however, something I would've never finished had it not been written with his voice. Thoughts ahead.

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Dedication

• I mean, c'mon. The dedication to his wife? How can something be so loving and succinct at the same bloody time!? Love this guy.
• "I was starting to think of the possible failure of the study as a public service, and we hadn't even begun it yet. In science, as in art, I thought, you only arrive at success after you run the gauntlet of failures. People should be aware of that. I'd be glad to write about the failure of this idea."
• I really have to try meditation again. I always attempt it briefly and then get side-tracked or busy or a dozen other excuses. I really want to maintain it as an activity in my life. Can't remember what part in the book mentioned it, but he obviously spoke of it lovingly.
• There was also a chapter that went into detail about this one thing that sounds kind of stupid at first. But a study was done that essentially if you lock eyes with a dog and maintain that eye contact for longer than a few seconds or so, the dog will feel more of a bond with you and trust you easier. From there, the study went on to suggest that doing that, actively, with a person you're close with will only strengthen your bond with that person. Especially over time. So what you're supposed to do is start with staring into someone's eyes for ten seconds one day, then thirty seconds the next day, and just add more time as each day goes on. I sort of forgot about this experiment, but I did try it for ten seconds after begging Nathan to try it with me. It's definitely weird at first, but I could see it becoming stronger the more you do it. I really want to try it again to see what would happen and I encourage you to as well if you're so inclined.
• There's this "Reading The Mind In The Eyes" test that you can take online to test your empathy levels that was pretty fun. (I got 26/36, which was surprising, I thought I'd do way better.)
• "There are times we know what the rational action should be, but don't take it until we consider what the other person is feeling. I know, in my own life, I sometimes respond to a question with an answer that isn't really helpful. "Have you seen the can opener?" is not fully answered by saying, "No, I haven't seen it." The other person is still at a loss. I know it seems obvious,  but sometimes remembering what it feels like to be facing a can without an opener can produce a little spark of empathy. If I respond to that spark, I might add a few words: "Maybe it's in that other drawer with the soup spoons." Boom. I'm cooperating, and the spurt of reward hormones in my brain is a sign it's been worth the effort. But as good as those reward hormones feel, I'm not thinking, in this book, of empathy as the basis of good behavior or morality; I'm looking at it as a tool for communication. I think it's an essential tool, and while it can be misused, it can help us make those important connections that lead to understanding."
• "But genuine humor and true, open laughter almost always lead to engagement. As Larry Cahill said, quoting the great Danish comedian Victor Borge, "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.""
• "Not being able to communicate is the Siberia of everyday life - a place that, crazily, we often send ourselves to."

It was actually a really great book and I'm so glad I finished it. This man can write about anything and engage absolutely any reader.

When You Find Out the World Is Against You by Kelly Oxford - A Review

You're already aware of how much I like Kelly Oxford. And her new book is equally as good as her last one. If anything, it's a little more intimate than her first one in a way that I didn't expect. Here are my favourite parts:

• The part about how she's a teenager going through depression and compares her mother at home with her to the movie Misery made me laugh so much, maybe also because it reminds me so much of that great Who's The Boss episode, too. 
• The chapter about how she takes Bea out of Montessori school because the teacher is a bitch is so funny and great - partially because of my own, personal hatred of daycare institutions and partially because it's so relatable to hear about. I wish there were more chapters on Bea in general.
• Hahahah, the line, "Did she just say I have NO CLASS WITH NO DOODLE?" in response to an internet troll.
• This exchange with her adolescent son:

Wait, he was calling a girl?

"Henry, are you into girls already?"

He smiles, "All day and all night, son!"

• The entire chapter about her family friend John passing away was too much to handle in one sitting. It took me a few tries to get through it, not because reading about people handling death is so hard, but moreso because her description of this man and her relationship to him in her youth is so descriptive and empathetic. It's beautifully written and my favourite part of it was the final paragraph, "Bea runs over to me and holds my hand. I look down at the table set up at the entrance of the hall. On it rests John's hat, his Royal Order of the Horn leather necklace, and the condolences book. I touch the feather on the hat, then the necklace. Bea does the same. Then I look over at the condolences book and I read, "I remember first meeting John in the 1960s; he came through the door at Dyke's cabin and said, 'Hi, I'm John, the good guy.'" And I cry a flood of tears."
• This 1000% relatable paragraph:

"I've always felt like rape is the invisible vampire that I had to run from, if vampires were real and everywhere, all the time. Because I've never been raped, I've always waited for it, wondering where and when. Dark parking lots, elevators, bathrooms, hotel rooms, my front yard, my bed. I feel it could happen. Anytime. All the time. I'm ready to fight, but I'm almost forty. I'm fucking tired, you guys."

• The absolute best way she could have ended the book:

"I don't know when this will all stop. Or when women will truly be equals. Sometimes I feel so alone, and other times I open my mouth or reach out and find that everyone is feeling the same way that I'm feeling. And what the world is sharing is maybe the thing that helps us see that the world isn't really against us after all. Maybe."

It was a really great book, you should check it out.

Fahrenheit 451 By Ray Bradbury - A Review

I kind of wish they wouldn't force you to read great books in high school. There's so much else going on in a teenager's mind, and nine times out of ten - kids that age won't remember and/or appreciate whatever they're told to read. Am I wrong?

This is the only book I remember actually enjoying. And to be honest, I watched the movie first because of course I did. You don't earn a 62 in grade nine English by reading the book. My point here? I really liked the story, which made me want to re-read it now. Here are the best parts.

• "We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at least one which makes the heart run over."
• "Time has fallen asleep in the afternoon sunshine."
• "In the morning he would not have needed sleep, for all the warm odors and sights of a complete country night would have rested and slept him while his eyes were wide and his mouth, when he thought to test it, was half a smile."
• "Don't ask for guarantees. And don't look to be saved in any one thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing that you were headed for shore."
• And this drawing, good god look at this beautiful drawing.

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Okay, maybe I take it back. It's good to force this kind of stuff on kids. How else would they want to re-discover it later and enjoy it even more? I wish I could remember if I liked it as much back then as I do now. I also wish I understood One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest better. People in my class seemed to love that book so much and I just sat there like a moron thinking, "What the fuck is going on?"

Heartburn by Nora Ephron - A Review

Clearly, I've become a Nora Ephron fan. Not a crazy huge one, but a mild one. The best parts of this book? Here they are:

• I love this line so much: "...simply because you've been raised to believe that the only polite response to the words "I love you" is "I love you, too."
• How to properly cook mushrooms: "He taught me to cook mushrooms. He taught me that if you heat the butter very hot and put just a very few mushrooms into the frying pan, they come out nice and brown and crispy, whereas if the butter is only moderately hot and you crowd the mushrooms, they get all mushy and wet."
• I can't describe how much I relate to parts of this story and it makes me very happy: "I  felt really sad when Arnold (<their hamster>) died, because Charlie (<her ex-husband>) was devoted to Arnold and had invented a fairly elaborate personality for Arnold that Arnold did his best to live up to. Hamsters don't really do that much, but Charlie had built an entire character for Arnold and made up a lot of hamster jokes he claimed Arnold had come up with, mostly having to do with chopped lettuce. Also, and I'm sorry to tell you this, Charlie often talked in a high, squeaky voice that was meant to be Arnold's, and I'm even sorrier to tell you that I often replied in a high, squeaky voice that was meant to be Shirley's (<their other hamster>). You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets, but I didn't care."
• The recipe for her favourite vinaigrette: "Mix two tablespoons of Grey Poupon mustard with two tablespoons good red wine vinegar. Then, whisking constantly with a fork, slowly add six tablespoons olive oil, until the vinaigrette is thick and creamy; this makes a very strong vinaigrette that's perfect for salad greens like arugula and watercress and endive."