(I’m putting this up now at 10am, since my Oz post was so delayed. Balance!)
Okay, this is just an advice post. A LizAdvice piece, if you will. Why am I doing this? Well, because it’s my birthday. I’ve been on this planet for twenty-eight years now and I like to think that I’ve learned some things. I, in no way, know it all. Duh. I’m not Beyonce. (Yet.) But here are a few things I’ve learned thus far…
Things You Should Do
Save emails that have compliments about you in them. They’ll make you feel nicer at times when you’re in low places.
Mail things. Everyone will always love mail. In the history of time, no one has ever angrily said, “Ah, God. Mail?!”
Try to attain soft elbows. Someone’s gonna be touching them at some point. Make sure they’re up to par.
Talk to your parents/parent a lot or more than a fair amount. They’re gonna say insightful things sometimes. A lot of it will be mediocre at best, but it’s best not to be a dick to humans who brought you here, dummy.
Take at least two vacations a year. Even if they’re only to places as far as the next city over. Everyone is in a better mood on vacation.
If/when you have nieces/nephews, be as present in their lives as you possibly can. It’s important for everyone involved.
See an ophthalmologist at least once a year, every year. Eyes are just as important as teeth and no one ever talks about that fact. Just go.
See a dentist twice a year. Not as important as the eye guy, but still up there.
Hold grudges. Or rather, don’t be afraid to hold grudges. Sometimes people are just dirt and it’s good to remember that and not give them too much of yourself.
Retweet.
Things You Shouldn’t Do
Obsess about your weight/body. No one cares. It’s boring to hear and talk about. Spare us all.
Be alone when you are sick. Call someone over. It helps your state of mind times a million. Having someone to complain to heals an illness 50% quicker, I’d imagine.
Eat fast food more than once a week. Are you simple? Don’t do that. You’re better than that.
Be weird about hugging.
Point and laugh at someone. Even as a joke. I really can’t stand this. Too mean.
Bungee jump. Have you ever seen a YouTube bungee jumping video before? Don’t. Do. It.
Say, “WHAT?!” with an angry face when you can’t hear someone.
Think that Beyonce’s better than you. Yeah, she’s got beauty/money/success/family/talent/style/security/thebesttumblr/etc., but I’m sure she has her own issues going on. You’re great, too. Don’t forget that.
When you’re being driven across a set of railroad tracks, make sure to lift your feet off the ground as you drive over the tracks and make a wish while doing so. If you’re returning across that same railroad track later on in the same day, do not repeat this and make a wish again. Only one per day allowed.
My dear friend Marla made this at a dinner once and it is so crazy good tasting that I’ve made it over ten times since then. It tastes better than a lot of dressings I’ve had at restaurants, for Christ’s sake.
Not gonna get over it. You have to try it. Or, ya know, don’t. Not my issue if you don’t want to enjoy finer things.
I just want to start this off by saying that I thought I would for sure like this movie. I really did. I’m not hating here for the sake of hating. I do want to watch it again in maybe a year or so to see if I feel the same as I do right now.
Thoughts
(Gonna do this in points. Points are punchier.)
Before going into it, I didn’t know that David Lindsay-Abaire had anything to do with it at all - so to read that he had a hand in writing this?! Well, that’s pretty big. He’s a proper writer. Expectations were definitely set a bit higher. I wish I’d never seen that credit. This shit could have been written by any old loser.
I feel like anyone who was associated with The Wizard of Oz should be really upset that this movie got made. And I don’t even LOVE The Wizard of Oz or anything.
James Franco was terrible and I like James Franco usually.
Where the fuck have you been, Zach Braff? Good for you getting a part in a big movie. Just good for you. Scrubs was funny sometimes. Glad you’re doing all right.
People CLAPPED at the end up it? What the hell? No. I don’t condone that. Not even for good movies. I will maybe allow clapping at the BEGINNING of a movie, since that’s just adorable you’re so excited. But at the end? Ugh, no. Way. Also, as a tiny sidenote: those idiots who clap when a plane lands? Are we kidding here? You’re clapping because something that is SUPPOSED to happen, happens. Okay then. Do people clap for you when you make it to work on time? No. We’re all clapping too much. And I don’t get it. It’s devaluing the act of clapping.
And you know what? Maybe I didn’t even hate the movie. Maybe I was just too affected by the atmosphere. I was at an 8:30pm showing on a Saturday – so yeah, going at that time is my own damn fault. The woman beside me had some sort of nervous tick in her leg and it wouldn’t stop bouncing the entire time. There were at least three children in that theatre under the age of two. One dude snored through half of it and during the other half – he’d laugh at jokes, not with a laugh, but a gentle and prolonged, “Ahhhhhhhh!” So yeah. The theatre that night wasn’t great. Oh and also, why would it be a good idea to bring back theatre ushers? I’ll tell you why. So that when some moron’s phone starts ringing, an usher can literally usher them the fuck outside. Absurd that that’s not a thing. Movie tickets keep getting more expensive and for what? What better fucking services are they coming up with? HIRE USHERS! The food ain’t getting better. The seats ain’t comfy as hell. There’s shit all OVER those floors. PAY humans to become ushers and to make it a better theatre experience, and then maybe I’ll consider being excited by the idea of a goddam “3D experience”.
On another topic – 3D? I just… I can’t. I really can’t. If you’re mentally aroused by the idea of putting those fucking glasses on, then you’re part of the problem. I have nothing to say to you. You are as awful as 3D - I hope you’re very happy together.
“I never chalk up anything to the gender divide and say ‘Well, that’s just a male thing.’ I hate the conventional wisdom that men are supposedly complete pieces of shit and it’s our job as women to put up with them. Men are just as sensitive and easily victimized as women are, but there’s not as much of an infrastructure for expressing it. That drives me nuts. We’re all humans and doing human stuff. We’d have a better world if everyone had someone they could pay for talk therapy.”
I just read this great piece by David Lipsky. It’s a good read if you like either of these shows. (And if you somehow don’t have some kind of small space in your heart for either of those shows? May God help you.)
“Anyone who literally takes you away from washing dishes to have sex with you? One of the hottest things to happen in a domestic relationship. Even hotter if you, in this day and age, still own/use dishwashing gloves.”
