by Liz Heather in

“He also had a condition that was referred to as granulated eyelids and it caused him to blink more than usual. As if he found creation slightly more than he could accept.”
— Ron Hansen, writer of the 1983 novel, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Mike Reiss on Family Guy

by Liz Heather in

All you have to know to read this excerpt is that Mike Reiss is a writer/producer on The Simpsons:
“I like Family Guy,” said Mike Reiss in a speech in 2009 at the 92nd Street Y in Tribeca. Reiss then related to a well-known story, how Family Guy’s creator, Seth MacFarlane, was scheduled to be on American Airlines Flight 11 on September 11, 2001. Because MacFarlane’s travel agent had given him the wrong departure time, MacFarlane narrowly missed the flight and watched on the airport TVs as his plane crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. “The point,” said Reiss, “is that I may like Family Guy, but God fucking loves Family Guy.”

Superstay 24 Hour Color by Maybelline

by Liz Heather in , ,

image

Do not buy this product. Why?

  • IT CAKES LIKE CRAZY. Just mad cake-age. 
  • Costs $10 and has the consistency of DOLLAR STORE CHILDREN’S PAINT.
  • Granted, I hate this product - but they only give you a quarter of what the packaging looks like (half of the tube is a clear lip balm to put OVERTOP). And quantity matters.

I’m usually smarter about buying things. Or… no, maybe I’m not. I gotta try some things out SOMEtimes, for Christ’s sake. And this was a fail. The only reason that I even ventured into that stupid aisle was because of this conversation I had with a woman who was doing my makeup once:

Me: “Is it all right to just not use any lipstick? I hate that stuff.”

Her: “What’s wrong with you?”

Me: “I just think it looks too phony.”

Her: “Are those your real eyelashes?”

Me: *nervous laughter*

Me: “I just don’t think it looks good on a lot of people in real life to have lips so outrageously colored.”

Her: “That’s insane. You’re insane. Go buy some lipstick.”

SO I DID. This isn’t lipstick, but a lip stain, so I thought this would be my first step into the realm of possibility. I will now be taking a step back. Just a fucking terrible product.

I would take a photo of my lips right now to show you how ugly it looks, but I don’t want the only photo of my lips on the internet to look ABHORRENT. 

by Liz Heather in

“Walking around pantsless in your own home makes you 480% more comfortable.”
— #lizadvice

Birthday!

by Liz Heather in , ,

(I’m putting this up now at 10am, since my Oz post was so delayed. Balance!) 

Okay, this is just an advice post. A Liz Advice piece, if you will. Why am I doing this? Well, because it’s my birthday. I’ve been on this planet for twenty-eight years now and I like to think that I’ve learned some things. I, in no way, know it all. Duh. I’m not Beyonce. (Yet.) But here are a few things I’ve learned thus far…

Things You Should Do
  • Save emails that have compliments about you in them. They’ll make you feel nicer at times when you’re in low places.
  • Mail things. Everyone will always love mail. In the history of time, no one has ever angrily said, “Ah, God. Mail?!” 
  • Try to attain soft elbows. Someone’s gonna be touching them at some point. Make sure they’re up to par.
  • Talk to your parents/parent a lot or more than a fair amount. They’re gonna say insightful things sometimes. A lot of it will be mediocre at best, but it’s best not to be a dick to humans who brought you here, dummy. 
  • Take at least two vacations a year. Even if they’re only to places as far as the next city over. Everyone is in a better mood on vacation.
  • If/when you have nieces/nephews, be as present in their lives as you possibly can. It’s important for everyone involved. 
  • See an ophthalmologist at least once a year, every year. Eyes are just as important as teeth and no one ever talks about that fact. Just go.
  • See a dentist twice a year. Not as important as the eye guy, but still up there.
  • Hold grudges. Or rather, don’t be afraid to hold grudges. Sometimes people are just dirt and it’s good to remember that and not give them too much of yourself. 
  • Retweet.
Things You Shouldn’t Do
  • Obsess about your weight/body. No one cares. It’s boring to hear and talk about. Spare us all.
  • Be alone when you are sick. Call someone over. It helps your state of mind times a million. Having someone to complain to heals an illness 50% quicker, I’d imagine.
  • Eat fast food more than once a week. Are you simple? Don’t do that. You’re better than that.
  • Be weird about hugging.
  • Point and laugh at someone. Even as a joke. I really can’t stand this. Too mean.
  • Bungee jump. Have you ever seen a YouTube bungee jumping video before? Don’t. Do. It.
  • Say, “WHAT?!” with an angry face when you can’t hear someone. 
  • Think that Beyonce’s better than you. Yeah, she’s got beauty/money/success/family/talent/style/security/thebesttumblr/etc., but I’m sure she has her own issues going on. You’re great, too. Don’t forget that. 
  • Smile at anyone on the street after 11pm.
  • Favorite.
Thanks for reading, guys. 
Birthdayly yours,
Liz

Mom Says

by Liz Heather in ,

When you’re being driven across a set of railroad tracks, make sure to lift your feet off the ground as you drive over the tracks and make a wish while doing so. If you’re returning across that same railroad track later on in the same day, do not repeat this and make a wish again. Only one per day allowed. 

Insane Salad Dressing

by Liz Heather in ,

My dear friend Marla made this at a dinner once and it is so crazy good tasting that I’ve made it over ten times since then. It tastes better than a lot of dressings I’ve had at restaurants, for Christ’s sake. 

Not gonna get over it. You have to try it. Or, ya know, don’t. Not my issue if you don’t want to enjoy finer things.