An Old Halloween

As a clown who loves candy, with Gary & Robbie.

“Sometimes I feel like there are birds flying out of me.”

— Jennifer K. Sweeney, from “Fragments for the End of the Year”

Kashi's Honey Sunshine

I love Kashi. Eating it makes me feel like I might be doing something right with my day. The Island Vanilla one is especially good. This new flavour, however, is god awful. Does not taste like honey nor sunshine. Trust me. Stay away.

Why Burger King's Satisfries Can Eat A Dick

I know you know that I love gravy - this is a fact. But without the existence of French fries, I would not be able to love gravy as much as I do. So I guess you could say that I love fries more than gravy. That being said, I think I have some valid opinions when it comes to these new "satisfries" - ugh, kill me for even typing that word-atrocity. (Sidenote: if you're judging me for loving fries? Well, that's enough of that. You probably love all kinds of trash that some would scoff at, so check the 'tude at the door. I know for a fact that some people will never respect fry-lovers, and that's cool, you're entitled to that opinion. But still, calm it down.)

Why These Fries Are A Dumb Idea

• I'm sorry, but only 30% less calories? What the hell? Not even a round number like 50%? Who the hell cares about eating something with 30% less of anything? THEY ARE STILL FRIES. 
• Idiotic name. Sounds like a joke name. 
• I am not of this opinion, but some people think Burger King's regular fries are the grossest of all the fast food places. In this case, why didn't Burger King just take their old ones off the menu and go to town with these? I would've at least understood that move. Plus, if BK suddenly really cares about my diet, why the fuck are you still offering me your old fatty, dirt fries? Get rid of them! It angers me to know that they want me in there, DECIDING between the two choices. That really makes me mad for some reason. Don't pander to me, Burger King. 
• It also enrages me to think that someone would order these and THEN FEEL GOOD & HEALTHIER ABOUT THEIR DECISION. These are still fucking French fries. You're still a piece of shit for ordering them. (I know this because I am this every now and again, and I am definitely a piece of garbage for ordering them, but at least I'm aware of this.)

People who love and/or eat fries should know that they're awful for you, always. On another note, this trend of making junk food healthy for you is usually just confusing. If you're changing the badness of a product, you have to change the complete name of what it is! For example, a vegetarian "pizza" with only cooked peppers and mushrooms, on a whole wheat tortilla, with NO cheese on it should no longer be considered a pizza. It has become some sort of unholy, vegetable-attacked type of bread. It can still be delicious like a pizza, but IT AIN'T ONE. Come up with a new name and call it that, 'cause that bitch ain't pizza.

This is a lot of complaining. What they really should have done was get rid of the old fries, introduce these news ones as their primary ones, tell you that they're trying to make people consume less fat and say, "Good day." They should've either done that or NOTHING AT ALL - just BE Burger King, the king of burgers, as you so indicate, and continue killing us all slowly. One or the other. Either one I'm totally cool with. But this? No. Just fucking no. Hate all of this. 'Cause if you're walking into any kind of fast food place, you're not getting something that's good for you. I don't care about any of their health conscious menus, it's all a ruse, you're in there? You're dying young. 

Boooooo, Burger King. Boo. 

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Not the best Charlie Brown special (obviously), but still all right. Also, if you have any nieces or nephews or know any small kids then make them watch this. It brings me down to think that kids today wouldn't watch these specials. 

Happy Thanksgiving, Canada!

Part One - Home Improvement Halloween Episodes

To put it simply, the Halloween episodes of sitcoms are a passion of mine. I’ve seen all of the good ones and I have four six-hour long taped VHS tapes to prove it. I can’t go on in detail about each of these shows in just one post since you would immediately stop reading, so I'll do them in parts. Part one? Home Improvement.

Ignoring the fact that Tim Allen is an adonis of a man (2023 UPDATE: yes he’s awful, but I was very attracted to him in 2013 when I first wrote this), these Halloween episodes are spectacular. All of them. The links are attached to the episode names below if you somehow can't remember how good they were and need to see for yourself. (To be completely honest, season three, seven and eight are the best ones, in my opinion.)

Season Two - The Haunting of The Taylor House

Season Three - Crazy For You

Season Six - I Was A Teenager Taylor

Season Seven - A Night To Dismember

Season Eight - Bewitched

For other great Halloween sitcom episodes, click below.

Part Two - Roseanne

Part Three - Boy Meets World

Part Four - Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Part Five - Dawson's Creek

Part Six - Martin

Part Seven - Two Guys and a Girl

Final Part - Miscellaneous Episodes

You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.

“Buy coloured shoes. Even tan shoes count as coloured.”

— #lizadvice

Movie Wardrobe Sale - Toronto - October 19th, 2013

If you've ever gone to (and enjoyed) The Clothing Show in Toronto, well, this is WORLDS better. I know that because I've gone. Years ago, I went and bought myself a robe that was used in the movie Jeepers Creepers 2. I love this robe and I use it daily. Partially because it's a fantastic robe and partially because it's famous. 

When: Saturday, October 19th, 2013 - from 9am until 5pm

Where: Pinewood Toronto Studios, 225 Commissioners Street

Tickets are $5.

GO! 

When You Fall...

I fall down a lot. I’m not a moron, I just have poor eyesight and no depth perception. (Not being cute here, they’re seriously just bad eyes.) And since I’ve fallen down hundreds of times, I have some advice for you. Or rather, some things that you shouldn’t do when recovering from said fall.

Things Not To Do When You Fall

• Completely act like nothing happened. People do this one a lot and it’s really funny to see. I never think the actual fall is funny, but people ignoring it makes me hysterical. It’s so weird to not acknowledge, and almost robotic.

• Get mad. I don’t know who you think you’re mad at – maybe the sidewalk? Or the city for not fixing that step? Nope, it was you. You’re at fault. And if you’re mad about that, well, there are some deeper issues going on inside of you and you should maybe calm down a bit.

• Cry. I’ve seen this twice before. From adult women. I’m pretty sure they were drunk, but still. Don’t do it. The attention you’re craving from this crying is massive and uninteresting to everyone around you.

• Be embarrassed. Now, this is hard. I think after years of falls, I’m only beginning to adhere to this point. It’s extremely hard to fight off embarrassment in any situation. But honestly, one of the most unattractive sights alive is an embarrassed adult. Some people fawn over the embarrassed – I do not. This is not an emotion we should cater to. We all feel it sometimes, but you can’t give in to it and let it overtake you because it’s so stupid. Dumb things happen to everyone! We’re all idiots! Sometimes we accidentally walk into trees or walls. Deal with it with dignity at least. And witnessing a grown adult who’s red-faced with embarrassment? Ugh. Grossest sight you can see.

Things You Should Do When You Fall

• Try to grab onto someone on your way down. You’ll either take them down with you (which is great always) or they’ll save your ass. 

• Smile immediately. It shows that you’re a human, with human emotions, and can take these things light-heartedly.

• Laugh. Especially if you’re alone. It’s such a silly thing to happen to a grown person who knows how to walk, so you need to have a sense of humour about it. Also, if I saw a guy walking who tripped or fell and then started laughing about it? That man is a real man. He’s a human who isn’t so serious at all times. 

What To Do When You See Someone Fall

• Never laugh. This is the meanest thing to happen in life. (Okay, not actually the meanest, but in the top three.) This makes my heart fall to pieces when I see someone laughing at a stranger. Never do it. Such a dick move. Don’t do it.

• Don’t say, “Whoa. That was bad.” Saying this offers nothing. I’ve heard this phrase maybe… five different times and it always hurts. I know it was bad. I don’t really want to talk about it right this moment. Even if I am smiling, I might be in pain. Also, I don’t know you. And I’ll never have a response for this sentiment.

• Be concerned, but not overly concerned. There's a fine line between someone who doesn't give a shit at all and someone who overly wants to talk about it. Try to find the balance between the two and be that person. 

Honestly, it’s harder to see someone fall than actually experience it yourself. Why is this? I think it’s because no one knows how to act when it happens to them. And most people are awkward as hell. It doesn’t have to be this way. I really think the worst thing you can do is just ignore it completely when it happens to you. Please stop doing that, everybody. 

Edit Note: I know this is a long post. I apologize. I have very strong feelings on the matter and I couldn't condense it down. Won't happen again. 

You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.

One last thing? These signs always make me giggle. Look at that little guy! Just great.