With the exception of all their tea tree products, this is my absolute favourite thing at Trader Joe's. As you already know, I love any kind of chicken that gets curried. But this one? Best I've ever had. Every time I buy some, I have such lofty ideas about what I'm gonna do with it. Am I gonna put it in an open-faced sandwich? Maybe a regular sandwich? PERHAPS A WRAP OF SORTS? And these ideas never come to fruition. What does end up happening? I get a fork and go to town. Usually within an hour of having it sit, lonely, in my refrigerator. It's so fucking tasty.
Mom Says
Illustration by Andrew Hamm
Illustration by Andrew Hamm
Tip of the Day - Pillow Mist
Have you ever seen this product? You can get it at The Body Shop or through Avon - or basically anywhere with women's products. And like a rube, I've bought varying "flavours".
Verdict? They're all bullshit. ALL. And I'm a moron for thinking that a certain kind of scent would lull me into some kind of heavenly abyss. Ain't gonna happen. Want to hear a better idea? Wash your damn sheets.
“Forgiving others is easier when I remember that I’m human and stupid, too.”
The Thanksgiving Croissant at Momofuku Milk Bar
I know, I'm supposed to be done with Thanksgiving (since I've already celebrated it last month in Canada) - but when you're surrounded by people who haven't had their own turkey yet, well, they're gonna talk about it excessively until it happens. And thank goodness for that, otherwise I would've never heard of THIS AMAZING SANDWICH.
It's white meat, dark meat, cranberry sauce, GRAVY, all stuffed inside a buttery-tasting croissant. If I were hosting a Thanksgiving dinner, I would only buy these to serve to my guests. I might make some enemies since people seem to flip out if there isn't a bird cooking in an oven for this holiday, but fuck that - these croissants are just that good. If anything, they should serve them alongside some extra gravy in a little bowl. But that's just me asking for too much. It really is perfect already.
Here's a short video showing how they're made:
Honestly, they should cost way more than $4.50 (Update: it’s 2021 & they now cost $9, so I really should’ve shut my mouth!). This guy is so fucking tasty. I ate it in the subway. Like an animal. Because I couldn't wait until I got home. Who knew I could be into dark meat? I think it's so good 'cause there are a ton of flavours in one teeny little bite and you don't expect that. I realize I've already done a Momofuku post before, but I had to talk about this croissant. Absolutely phenomenal-tasting.
These are only available during the month of November, so please do us both a favour and hurry the hell up and eat one. They arrive at the place around noon and are usually gone by 3pm, so note that. It took me two tries before I could devour one. (Sorry, Toronto - they don't offer them at your location - and you should really be writing letters to them about that fact.)
Fury of the Day - Comedians Who Do Impressions
I'm not talking about your Uncle Bob here (though I silently doubt that his Walken is amazing). I'm talking about comedians who do impressions. Oh, and also the people WHO LOVE HEARING THESE IMPRESSIONS - you're a big part of this problem.
Before I go on, let me state that I absolutely can admit when I hear a great impression of someone. Bill Hader's version of Alan Alda? Get out of here. I will be the first one to stand and say, "Hey! That was great! Good on you." I cannot, however, encourage comedians on a stage who do them in excess. If you have more than five seconds of impressions in a set? Walk slowly into the ocean.
I wish I could shake every comedian alive and beg them not to do them - for three main reasons.
Impressions are never funny. A "funny impression" of a person does not exist. If it's a good one, then it's just accurate. And if it's accurate - then cool, you have the ability to sound like that other guy. Wicked. And if it's a bad impression? Oh man, I couldn't hate you more. You're not even good at the thing that you think I want to see?! Fuck.
The thought of someone sitting in their room, practicing some other person's voice or mannerisms makes me very sad. I apologize if that sounds condescending, but it's really fucking depressing to me. (Unless you're considering yourself an impressionist who ONLY does impressions, that is. But that's never the case.) They could be using that time to fucking think up original or personal insights to offer people, maybe.
Jokes and stories are memorable - your fucking DeNiro is not. I will likely vomit if I'm subjected to it. It's come to a point now that when I see someone even slightly attempt any kind of impression on stage, my eyes close gently as my mind shuts down in a furious rage. It's at that moment that I'll definitely think this person is awful to the core and also sort of dumb, for some reason. And I don't want to hold that prejudice! Years of witnessing impressions has forced me into this, unfortunately.
I understand why people want to get good at impressions - it's because almost everyone fucking loves hearing them. Why the hell is this? I wish I could fucking tell you, but I have no idea.
Oh hey, you know that guy in that movie you loved? Well, we don't have him. Yeah, he's crazy busy. But we got this other guy... and you're gonna be blown away by how much they sound alike. Like, it's eerie. AND IT WILL MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND IN EXCITEMENT.
And I know that I can't stop them. At this very moment, somewhere out there someone is perfecting the hell out of their goddam Seinfeld and there's nothing I can do about it. Makes me so mad.
You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.
People To Follow - The Mindy Project Cast
This was going to be a post encouraging you to follow Ike Barinholtz, but upon closer inspection - almost everyone I follow on The Mindy Project appears to be pretty great.
How to do a perfect Jeff Bridges imitation in two steps: 1) take a huge bite of a sandwich 2) speak
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) September 21, 2013
Nothing makes me feel like my life is out of control than having to use the business center at my hotel
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) September 17, 2013
How am I just now realizing that two governors were in Predator
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) August 15, 2013
"I just saw TOP GUN. I got this." - me, 1986. pic.twitter.com/f0oCrd5pfd
— Mark Duplass (@MarkDuplass) July 5, 2013
After a fifteen year analysis I can say that Volcano is better than Dante's Peak
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) May 22, 2013
All my eye makeup experiments become a smoky eye
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) June 6, 2013
A gay guy came on to me in a club and I didn't want to seem homophobic so now we're in a committed relationship
— Ed Weeks (@EdwardWeeks) May 3, 2013
smile at a guy and he thinks you're in love with them
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) April 19, 2013
Which is worse for you a pizza or a calzone or are they the same
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) April 4, 2013
Just rob me, don't like, linger and make it a home invasion
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) February 26, 2013
This pimple is just part of my face now
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) February 6, 2013
i don't want to go for a run, i really just want to "have gone for a run."
— Mark Duplass (@MarkDuplass) January 4, 2013
I will instruct my kids: we smile at strangers and never talk to them
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) August 12, 2012
Not a big moneymaker but Tim Burton should design a mini golf course.
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) May 13, 2012
Maximizing Your Instagram Photos
Apparently, there are dozens of places on the internet where you can turn your Instagram photos into other things. Things like:
- Wrapping paper
- Greeting cards - I just ordered some of these and cannot WAIT to get them.
- Magnets
I would probably get the magnets done at some point, too. Such a sweet little idea. What these sites should really have is a way to purchase these as gifts to give to other people. As of right now, you need an Instagram password and login to choose what you want to print, but it's such a good gift idea for another person since receiving one's own photos as magnets would be such a welcome surprise since we all think we're individually such great photographers. (We are... right?)
“If your lipstick matches your nails, I assure you, you will rule this world.”
Yonanas - A Review
Yonanas is an ice cream treat maker. I recently got one (thanks Gary & Amanda!) and there are a few things you should know about it.
How do you use it? You freeze up some fruit (minus the peels, if there are peels) and make sure that it's in your freezer in some kind of ziplock/tupperware-like container. Once it's frozen (a few hours), you can use it in the machine and make ice cream. And there's nothing added, it's pure frozen fruit. So if dairy is ever a problem for you, then you need this machine immediately.
Things You Should Know
- Do not try this with old, disgusting frozen fruit that has been sitting in your freezer for at least a year. I tried this genius idea and it spewed out little pieces of blueberry garbage. And since this was my maiden voyage of using this machine, I was deeply hurt that it didn't turn out like what was in the infomercial. I was in the wrong here, not the machine. DO NOT USE OLD FROZEN FRUIT.
- This stuff really does have the consistency of ice cream. It's weird. I tried some peeled cantaloupe next and... wow. If I'm ever adult enough to throw dinner parties or even to make a meal for my parents, this dessert is definitely being made. So classy! Cantaloupe ice cream? Get out of here. I'll be admissible for country clubs if word gets out.
- While the cantaloupe one was good, the bananas one? Out of this world. Just amazing. If you are ever at my house, demand that I make you some of the banana.
- Also, that photo up top? Whatever is in that bowl looks gross and is NOT the way that the fruit comes out. It's way more ice cream-y looking.
There are some great recipes here, which I'll try eventually once I've calmed down from the banana. It's usually around $55 and completely worth it. You can get one on Amazon, but you might be able to find a cheaper one in a Wal-Mart or Target possibly.
“I wish you had brought your Yonanas over. That stuff is amazing.”
“Wow.”