Roseanne's My Life as a Woman - A Review

Okay, I know that cover doesn't make it look good, but IT'S SO GOOD. And it was published in 1989, so maybe that's why it looks so unappealing to your modern and futuristically 2013 eyes. I can't remember the reason why I wanted to read this in the first place - I'd imagine it was because I've always liked Roseanne. I just saw She-Devil for the first time the other day and she's great in that, too. Hell, she's great in everything. 

The Best Parts

• Describing the first time she saw a man's penis: "I thought his guts fell out of his vagina."
• "I think men like to pretend that they are not wholly dependent on women. Women like to pretend that they are dependent on men. And there you have it, folks, the Rosie Barr view of the BATTLES OF THE SEXES."
• "Mormon people are very easy to convince, because they see Satan everywhere; as I know now, Satan for them is a euphemism for "thought.""
• "Comedy, he told me, is funniest when it's about speaking up for the little man or killing sacred cows."
• The whole chapter on her love for Woody Allen is just great.
• I don't know why I loved this next part so much, probably because of her description of it. It's about how she would devour (a then desirable man) Mel Gibson: "Not only would I eat Mel Gibson, in the literal and figurative sense, I would consume him, I would inhale him, rolling him around my tongue like a fine Rothschild, swallowing slowly, savoring the essence, gnawing it and slobbering with great masticating noises. Yeah, that's just what I would do."
• "The problem with drugs, as I have always believed, is that if you take them, you will believe that you are on them, and that is a great excuse to erase your own responsibility, culpability, ability and life."
• When she talks about hitchhiking and traveling around: "You are the one who is in control, because you are moving, moving powerfully fast, even though you are sitting almost absolutely, and trancelike still. In a way, in this way, you are transcending the world itself."
• When she's describing giving birth: "I am screaming for it to get out of me as if I am conducting an exorcism and my brain, I can see my brain crumbling like blue cheese, pieces falling out and falling off." - I just loved the crumbling like blue cheese description so much for some reason.
• And her entire chapter about how awful women's magazines are? You know I loved all of that. "Part of the reason women are so confused these days is due to horrid grotesque "women's magazines" and the type of mind-numbing bullshit they pour out on us month after hideous month. I just know they're a political conspiracy to keep women off base so we won't demand the arms race stopped and the money it uses be spent more productively."

Definitely read the book if you're into this woman at all. You can buy it for practically nothing on Amazon. Woman's great.

Chef John's Hot Spinach Artichoke Dip

I yearn to be a great cook. I like to think that I try my best, but I'm just not that great at it. But this dip? I can make this flawlessly and people actually eat it with a smile - so this will be one of my great go-to things to make for the rest of my days. I know I've mentioned it once quickly before in another post, but I wanted to put up the video for it as well. Also, do you know how much I love this man - Chef John? A lot. (I've mentioned my love for him in the past.) He's just the best and his recipes are almost always amazing. Anyway, you can watch the video for the recipe or go on over here for a print out. Tasty as hell. 

Truffles by Coquette

If you'd like to taste the best chocolates you'll ever eat, then please go no further than here. I've tried most every flavour and they're ridiculously good. Even the vegan ones. Such a good gift to give someone this time of year.

“If you don’t have free weights in your house and don’t feel like buying them – when you buy groceries (before you put the food away), use those bags as your weights. Do a few sets. I totally do this.”

— #lizadvice

Yearly Photo Books

I haven't had photos printed in quite a long time. And that doesn't really make a lot of sense since I still take photos often. So I decided to start making yearly photo books. I started doing this last year in 2012 - and all you do is compile all the memorable photos from that year and upload them into a photo book. There are tons of sites that do this for you, but the one I've been using has been Snapfish. (You could always do this yourself, with printing the photos yourself and putting them in an album yourself - but my way is way faster and easier, I think. And possibly cheaper, depending on where you print your photos.) (I paid $30 for a book with about 222 photos in it, and I got to arrange how I wanted it to look, also.)

The goal here is to make one of these books each January. To be honest, I wish I'd started doing it sooner. When I someday have tons of free time and money isn't an issue, then I'll make sure to go back and get those past years done. Also, if you are taking photos in your everyday life, well, you can't rely on computers to always keep them safe. I do have an external hard drive, but that isn't the main issue here. I want to actually see these photos once in awhile! And having a handy little book full of them is way more attractive an idea than rummaging through files on a screen, in my opinion. 

Again, I've been using Snapfish and if you do choose to make one, they're having a sale right now until November 24th where they have 60% off photo books with the code BOOKNOV60. I would say that this would be a good gift for someone, but it's really a way better gift for yourself since you're the one with access to all the photos you want to save. (There are also mad deals on Groupon every so often, so check there, too.)

Also, am I the only one who actually enjoys it when someone brings out a photo album? 'Cause I love the hell out of that shit. Not the albums of strangers (I'm not a mutant), but of people I know? C'mon. That's adorable. 

Trader Joe's Curried White Chicken Deli Salad

With the exception of all their tea tree products, this is my absolute favourite thing at Trader Joe's. As you already know, I love any kind of chicken that gets curried. But this one? Best I've ever had. Every time I buy some, I have such lofty ideas about what I'm gonna do with it. Am I gonna put it in an open-faced sandwich? Maybe a regular sandwich? PERHAPS A WRAP OF SORTS? And these ideas never come to fruition. What does end up happening? I get a fork and go to town. Usually within an hour of having it sit, lonely, in my refrigerator. It's so fucking tasty. 

Tip of the Day - Pillow Mist

Have you ever seen this product? You can get it at The Body Shop or through Avon - or basically anywhere with women's products. And like a rube, I've bought varying "flavours".

Verdict? They're all bullshit. ALL. And I'm a moron for thinking that a certain kind of scent would lull me into some kind of heavenly abyss. Ain't gonna happen. Want to hear a better idea? Wash your damn sheets. 

“Forgiving others is easier when I remember that I’m human and stupid, too.”

— Justina Chen

The Thanksgiving Croissant at Momofuku Milk Bar

I know, I'm supposed to be done with Thanksgiving (since I've already celebrated it last month in Canada) - but when you're surrounded by people who haven't had their own turkey yet, well, they're gonna talk about it excessively until it happens. And thank goodness for that, otherwise I would've never heard of THIS AMAZING SANDWICH. 

It's white meat, dark meat, cranberry sauce, GRAVY, all stuffed inside a buttery-tasting croissant. If I were hosting a Thanksgiving dinner, I would only buy these to serve to my guests. I might make some enemies since people seem to flip out if there isn't a bird cooking in an oven for this holiday, but fuck that - these croissants are just that good. If anything, they should serve them alongside some extra gravy in a little bowl. But that's just me asking for too much. It really is perfect already.  

Here's a short video showing how they're made:

Honestly, they should cost way more than $4.50 (Update: it’s 2021 & they now cost $9, so I really should’ve shut my mouth!). This guy is so fucking tasty. I ate it in the subway. Like an animal. Because I couldn't wait until I got home. Who knew I could be into dark meat? I think it's so good 'cause there are a ton of flavours in one teeny little bite and you don't expect that. I realize I've already done a Momofuku post before, but I had to talk about this croissant. Absolutely phenomenal-tasting.

These are only available during the month of November, so please do us both a favour and hurry the hell up and eat one. They arrive at the place around noon and are usually gone by 3pm, so note that. It took me two tries before I could devour one. (Sorry, Toronto - they don't offer them at your location - and you should really be writing letters to them about that fact.)