“If you’re still buying greeting cards at CVS or Shoppers Drug Mart - please stop. They are EONS cheaper at any dollar store. Same quality, too. Unless you’re buying singing cards. And if you are buying singing cards, well, you and I are in different income brackets so carry on.”
And don't forgot about this tip for Easter!
All in all? It was pretty good. Not Mindy good, but pretty good. It started off really strong, but my interest sort of waned as it kept going. The two full chapters on why adultery shouldn't be such a big deal is a bit much to take in one sitting, but other than that it's a fun read. And if you haven't seen The Doorman episode of Seinfeld, well, that's upsetting. Every line he has in that episode is magic.
Parts I Liked
I'm not sure if this'll be as poignant out of context, but I really liked this part: "If I were wiser, or something better than I am, if our culture were different somehow, I would have said something like, "Please listen to me. Don't live this way. You have to care about your work. Not for me, for yourself. You must care about me, too, but it starts with caring for yourself and what you do. It doesn't matter whether you take out garbage or spleens, you have to care. It's better to care. You're too young not to care."
The phrase, "I excused myself with a smile."
This definitely won't seem funny upon re-telling, but the part where he describes himself getting ready to beat someone up: "I was ready, willing, and able to drive back down there in my Saab, march over to him in my Dockers and Topsiders, roll up the sleeves of my Brooks Brothers summer-weight pinpoint Oxford, throw my Law & Order 100th Episode cap on the ground, spit on my Lubridermed hands, and tell him he either had to...." - the Law & Order line made me laugh so much.
"Watching the instant friendships and play of children is a perfect lesson in how much paradise we leave behind in childhood."
I don't particularly give a shit about cars, but there's a part I liked where he compares '57 Chevys to the cars made today: "Cars today are reliable, but they've got the soul of a vat of paste."
"The porter was unshakable. Mount Rushmore changed expressions more than him."
Loved hearing him describe a day as: "One satanically windy afternoon..."
When talking about his friend Jerry Allen, "There was no tension about it between us, because we were late-nighters together, huddled in the same foxhole, and lucky enough to know somewhere deep down that the only real competition in life is with yourself."
There's also an entire chapter devoted to teaching you how to get your children to want to watch the shows you grew up with (and to make them enjoy it as much as you), which was so smart and filled with good ideas. It's too lengthy to write here, but if you care about doing this with your kids at all, read this book.
You can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.
Salsa, from The Pioneer Woman
Salsa, from The Pioneer Woman
I'm just going to say it: you should be watching your sodium intake levels. Forgive me if that's a tedious way to start this post, but it's important! And one of the reasons why I've been cutting back on eating a lot of the already-jarred salsas/items at the grocery store.
Are you aware of how easy this is to make yourself? It's almost weird. Why the hell haven't we all been doing this for years? Fuck you, Tostitos! We don't need you!
Ingredients
1 can (28 Ounce) of Whole Tomatoes With Juice
2 cans (10 Ounce) of Rotel (Diced Tomatoes And Green Chilies)
1/4 cup Chopped Onion
1 clove Garlic, Minced
1 whole Jalapeno, Quartered And Sliced Thin
1/4 teaspoon Sugar
1/4 teaspoon Salt
1/4 teaspoon Ground Cumin
1 Whole Lime, Squeezed
Directions
Put all the ingredients into a blender and pulse it up to the consistency you desire.
I've made this three times already and each batch will last you about a week or two, depending on how much salsa you eat (and if you don't eat that much, you can freeze it, too). Definitely try this recipe - I will never buy store-bought again.
Also, there was cilantro in the original recipe that I left out since it can be pretty overbearing, but maybe that's just me. We all have our differing opinions when it comes to cilantro.
Illustration by Andrew Hamm
Illustration by Andrew Hamm
Why is this happening? 'Cause dreams do come true. I've been wanting to go to a Cyclones game for years, so this couldn't be a more perfect one to go to.
"On July 5, 1989, Seinfeld aired on NBC for the first time and 25 years later, the Cyclones will celebrate the show that has left an indelible mark on popular culture. The first 2,500 fans in attendance will receive a Keith Hernandez "Magic Loogie" Bobblehead. In addition, there will be non-stop Seinfeld themed entertainment from beginning to end. Yada yada yada... you'll have an awesome night." brooklyncyclones.com
What kinds of things?
You probably should get your tickets early, as this night is surely to be one of the most popular of the 2014 season. Single game tickets will go on sale Saturday, May 10th at 10AM. But if you follow the Cyclones on Facebook or Twitter, you will get access to a special pre-sale before the general public. For more information please call 718-37-BKLYN.
Honestly, the "Low-Talking PA Announcer" is maybe the best idea in the world. SO EXCITED FOR THIS.
“Laughter is the evidence that we’re still here, the proof that our tragedies will not define us forever. Laughter is the language of the survivor.”
If you give any kind of a shit about makeup and you're not doing this already - start. If you never want to hear the phrase, "Woah, you look tired again," then this maneuver is heavenly.
(Also, if you're a mutant who say things like that? Man. You're really the worst. I mean that sincerely. It's one of the silliest things you can say to another adult. Absolutely moronic.)
I guess you could use a white powder, but that might be too loosey-goosey. I use the $5 white eyeliner pencil (it's less pencil-y, more gel-like) from Sephora's own collection.
You can find it along that horrible look-at-these-products-while-you-wait-to-leave line before you buy something.
What do you think I'm going to tell you - this tastes horrible?! Get the hell out of here. You should know the drill by now. GO EAT THIS DOUGHNUT! Fuck that Cronut line, this is better.
They're available at Ground Central (155 East 52nd Street). They usually sell out at some point during the day, but if you're there before 3pm, you should be all right. Trust me, I know my donuts.
Jeanette's Healthy Living
Jeanette's Healthy Living
Preparing this stew made me feel like a goddam adult. In a really great way. Maybe it was because the prep that happened before you transfer it all to the cooker was so involved? I don't know. But I felt manly as hell, and it was fantastic. Not only does it taste heavenly, but there will be leftovers for days. One warning, though? Be prepared to really stink up the house when you're making this - not in a bad way, just in a food way. Totally worth it, in my opinion.
Ingredients
3 pounds chicken drumsticks (on the bone)
2 teaspoons curry powder
1 1/2 teaspoons dried thyme
3/4 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 cup red wine (NOT "cooking wine", you should buy real red wine at a liquor store. They even have the small plastic ones for $2, so you don't have to buy a whole bottle if you're being thrifty.)
1 1/2 cups (15 ounces) black beans, rinsed and drained
1 1/2 cups (15 ounces) diced tomatoes, undrained
Directions
Toss the chicken with curry powder, thyme, allspice, red pepper flakes, black pepper and salt.
Heat oil in a large skillet. Add onions and garlic and saute until onions are softened, about 3 minutes. Add chicken mixture to skillet and brown on both sides. Add wine and let cook for a few more minutes. Add tomatoes and black beans and mix well (or as best you can). Transfer to the slow cooker and cook on high for 5 hours until tender and the meat is falling off the bone.
NOW, when it's done? If you're comfortable serving stew with bones in it (and I am), then just ladle this stuff out. If that sounds gross to you, well, grow up. Everyone knows that chicken tastes better (and juicier) when right off the bone.
This recipe was slightly adapted from Jeanette's Healthy Living.
When: The games on Friday April 18th (7:10pm), Saturday April 19th (7:10pm) and Sunday April 20th (1:10pm).
The Mets host the Braves this weekend at Citi Field and in celebration of the 50th Anniversary of Shea Stadium, the prices are what they were in 1964. For $3.50 get a ticket in the Promenade Outfield and for $19.64 sit in a baseline box seat.
With service charges and all, the $3.50 tickets are actually $10.25 for one ticket and the $19.64 tickets are actually $28.14 for one ticket (which is still pretty amazing). You can reserve tickets here.
