I’ve always wanted to read Johnny Carson’s memoir and then soon realized that he never wrote one. I don’t know why, but I thought that this was the next best thing: a biography written by his longtime lawyer/possibly-best-friend-it’s-unclear, Henry Bushkin. Looking back, why on earth would I think that a lawyer would be the best one to sum up the life of this huge celebrity? No idea. I wish I hadn’t read it. Reasons why are ahead.
First of all, whether it’s true or not, Henry makes Johnny’s mother sound like the most awful person in his life. He went into details of how generous Johnny would be with making sure his parents had everything they could’ve ever wanted and his mother never seemed to be impressed or cared in the slightest. How she was a cold and emotionless woman and she’s ultimately the reason that Carson himself had such issues with commitment and women and most of his personal relationships. And I don’t know… but hearing that story from Carson would be one thing, but to have it be told secondhand from a person who Johnny ultimately fired seems… wrong. He wrote this book long after Johnny had died and that only makes things worse in my mind, like he didn’t even have the guts to write it while he was still here because Carson definitely would’ve been against such a breach of privacy.
It’s wildly known that Johnny cheated on his wives and though Bushkin (also a married man) goes in great detail about many of those times, he slips in his own infidelity in this one sentence: “I had many adventures in Vegas and on the road that did nothing to reinforce marital bonds.” UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH. Yes, he’s trash for cheating on his wife, but he’s even scummier for phrasing it so lightly like that.
Maybe I’m being naive about this, but I had no idea about Carson’s huge ego (again, this is coming from the mouth of Bushkin). It makes sense that he had one being worth millions and having so much power, but it’s so disheartening to read some of the stories about him being such a complete asshole. Why did I read this book?!
The fact that Carson would cheat on his wife with the reasoning of “out of sight out of mind” is so gross and I hate that I heard it.
He quotes from Susan Forward’s book Toxic Parents that says, “All of us develop our expectations about how people will treat us based on our relationships with our parents. If those relationships are, for the most part, emotionally nourishing, respectful of our rights and feelings, we’ll grow up expecting others to treat us in much the same way… But if childhood is a time of unrelenting anxiety, tension, and pain, then we develop negative expectations and rigid defense.” And while this is so insightful and true, I can’t help but think that Carson (or the way that Bushkin made him appear in this book) made no attempt to ever move past the way that he was treated by his mother. He blamed her for it his entire life.
I wish this book wasn’t written. Not because it paints Carson in such an unfavorable light (and it’s not entirely about what an awful person he was, there are many stories of him being generous and giving), but because he didn’t have anything to do with writing it. It’s unfair. Someone else can’t write your memoir for you. I know that’s it’s seen as an unofficial biography, but Bushkin was close friends with the man at one point and it reads more intimate than a regular biography. He attempted to write his memoir for him and that’s just wrong. Don’t read it. I wish I hadn’t.
I’ve purposely put off writing this monthly wrap-up because, well, christ. January was a terrible month. I don’t need to go into the details of why, but the consensus from everyone that I’ve talked to fully agrees with me on this. What the hell happened? Starting a new decade is supposed to be great. In any case, I’ll always have high hopes for the future. And I’m just thankful to begin a new month. Here’s what went down in the pit that was January 2020.
First things first, I recapped how my 2019 resolutions turned out. Why don’t more people do this? Where’s the accountability in reviewing your past resolutions? They’re not fucking birthday wishes, they’re intentions! More people need to follow through with this, even if the results aren’t what you hoped for.
I rewatched (or watched for the first time, I truly can’t remember) The Staircase and it’s so good. I’m pretty sure Marla got me MP3 copies of this years ago and I did watch it, but I completely forgot about it in detail. Such a good watch. If you’ve already seen it, do you know about the owl theory? It’s a wild one, but, like, I think an owl did it now?
I’ve been using a small bottle of OUAI’s Wave Spray and if I can figure out how to not overspray it, it’s a great product. Once you use it though, your hair only looks good that day. After you sleep on it, your hair looks like shit. (Is that true of all hair products? I have absolutely no idea.)
Bought this Banana Republic top for $13 on sale and I love it because it does not feel like it cost so little.
I don’t know if it’s a Canadian brand but I have found a wicked alternative to Dollarama: Buck or Two. I went to one in Brampton and they’ve got everything.
I watched most of the SNL with Jennifer Lopez and wow did it suck. 99% of the sketches were basically “She’s pretty. That’s the joke.” Fucking hated it. They do this a lot of the time with certain actresses and I can’t ever tell if it’s because the actress loves doing these sketches or they’re afraid she can’t be funny. Whatever the reason is, blow my brains out, please.
I went to the Ear Inn in the city and it was lovely! Super old place. Service was great. Burger was great.
I went to Glossier with the intention of buying the cheek stain and then decided against it. It’s not a good product. I literally pinched my cheeks and got a better rosiness.
I came across probably my favourite winter children’s book of all time, The Snowman by Raymond Briggs. Look at one page of this magic.
I went to The Dutch again for Restaurant Week for their steak tartare and it’s just heaven on a plate.
I rewatched the great What Lies Beneath and man, it’s still just such a great movie.
As you may have heard, Papyrus is going out of business, so I’ve popped in twice to see what the closing deals are and they aren’t worth it yet (only 30% off! C’mon! I won’t get out of bed for at least 60%), so I’ll keep stopping in every so often until they’ve become desperate.
Love this part of a recent SNL (below). (If you can’t see it in Canada, search for “white male rage SNL.”)
I finally went to Boulud Sud for their pasta happy hour and man was it not worth it. The place has a terrible setup if you’re sitting at the bar, the food was absolutely nothing special and had ridiculous portion sizes. It’s also a bad sign when the bread is tastier than the entree. Super disappointing.
I tried on the bras and underwear from LIVELY in Soho and even though it’s priced reasonably, I couldn’t find anything I loved. I have a feeling that I could be into it though, so I’ll go again sometime in the future for sure.
I’ll forever love the lunch special at Pil Pil on the Upper East Side. I know I probably bring this up too much, but man. Love tapas.
I can’t stop buying sunglasses for sale at ALDO. And I won’t.
I finished season one of The West Wing and it was really good. I keep forgetting about it, but I should stick with it. People, like, loved that show, didn’t they?
I started using Sol De Janeiro’s Bum Bum Cream… on my butt. That’s what it’s for, no? So far, I mean… it feels smooth? It’s not at all greasy, which I like. Seems weird to have a cream just for your butt, but who am I to criticize.
Ate the fish tacos at Summer Salt and they’re good! It’s insane and great that they sell margaritas at a fast casual place, too.
Love this Wells For Boys sketch (below) from a few years ago that I just saw for the first time (thanks for showing me, Irene!)
I haven’t been there in years, but I went to Sweet Afton for happy hour in Astoria the other day and had the pickle martini which actually wasn’t terrible. Love that place.
Tried the lunch burger at Peter Luger finally! And yes it was a good burger (love that they use American cheese and the bun was very good even though it's not a potato bun). Steakhouse burgers are always hard for me to rate since a steakhouse burger is a real *entree* unlike the regular, everyday burgers that other places have which are not as big and overwhelming. An everyday burger is easy to rate since it's either great, overrated or shit. A steakhouse burger has nuances, how juicy is too juicy? How's the quality of the meat? What are the ideal toppings? Should someone shoot me for my extensive burger thoughts? Yes.
I went to see a free orchestral performance put on by Julliard at Lincoln Center and it was great. It reminded me so much of going to my brother Gary’s recitals when I was a kid, just loved it.
Had dinner at Portale. The pasta was insane. This place might be a rival for L’Artusi! Dare I say it! Every bite was phenomenal. MUST return. (Noteworthy: it also just got two stars in the Times.)
Maybe you don’t know this, but 90% of post offices in the U.S. have bulletproof glass between the workers and the customers. It’s obviously because awful things have happened, but I’ve been going to this one post office in the city on 23rd street that doesn’t have the glass and the workers are SO MUCH MORE PLEASANT. I wish all locations were like this one. Just a thought.
Mark down all holidays/birthdays/anniversaries (Valentine’s Day, Daylight Saving Times, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving)
Check expiration dates for passport/license/health card/insurance and write down any important renewal dates
I’ve watched the first two new episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm and it fucking blows. There was only one thing I laughed at (when a server thought Larry was “oggling” her but he was really just keeping an eye on her tray with pigs in blankets) but OTHER THAN THAT, what a piece of shit season so far! I fucking hated the part in one episode where he videotapes the consent given between him and some woman as they’re making out. ALSO, and this has happened a few times over the seasons, he’s recycling fucking Seinfeld jokes. FROM THE SHOW. Talking about when it’s too late to get “Happy New Year-ed”? Are we kidding here?! Fucking lazy as hell. I might just stop watching.
I watched the new Taylor Swift documentary on Netflix and it’s really good. Even if you have zero opinion on her, I really liked it. (It also introduced me to this great song.)
Things that I’m looking forward to this month: seeing a Raptors game at Barclays Center, finally sitting down and watching season two of Shrill in its entirety, reading Joan Rivers’ book Enter Talking and and maybe going to another Restaurant Week lunch before the end date. February, please oh please don’t be as terrible as January.
If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in December over here!
This was an impulse read because it was staring at me from a library shelf and I’m glad that I saw it. Very quick book, best parts ahead.
“Don’t ever confuse the two, your life and your work. That’s what I have to say. The second is only a part of the first.”
“You cannot be really first-rate at your work if your work is all you are.”
“Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work.”
“It is easy to waste our lives: our days, our hours, our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the pale new growth on an evergreen, the sheen of the limestone on Fifth Avenue, the color of our kids’ eyes, the way a melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead of live.”
Anna Quindlen won a Pulitzer so I guess she’s allowed to write a book that you can read in ten minutes. Pick it up if you come across it.
First of all, what a thoughtful cover. You never really see great covers anymore, and this one I love. Now onto my favourite parts of the book!
“The flower smelled like a fancy candle, and even though I’d smelled honeysuckle before, its scent pleasure-stung me anew, and I laughed a bit and said, “Unbelievable.” She knew I was talking about the gentle shock you can feel about how straightforward nature is in its generosity, its dizzying intricate offerings.”
Her paragraphs on the inexplicability of makeup: “…and so I put skin-colored paint all over my face and I dab pasty red pigment on my lips and swish peachy powder on my cheeks and I take a pencil and draw an eye-shaped line around my eye so that people know where my blinkers are.”
Maybe my favourite line in the whole book: “I like the sound of bugs talking to each other outside in the night.”
“I couldn’t feel anyone’s heart pointed even in my direction, let alone anyone loving me or wanting me to be around. Very boring, very lonely, very tired, again. It was hard to feel anything, except I am not one of the creatures who will experience anything precious.”
There was an entire chapter devoted to one vacation that she took with some female friends and I loved everything about it. How freeing and perfect that world is to be in, temporarily.
“As the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain and more precious, I feel less afraid that someone else will erase me by denying me love.”
There’s an entire chapter on what it feels like to have your birthday at the beginning of spring (we’re born a few days apart from each other) and I looooove it, obviously.
“The pretty things gathered to live just as I arrived.”
“I was born and everything in nature seemed like arms reaching out. I was born and the wildness from outside put itself inside of me.”
Sound ideas:
“Write a note of encouragement to yourself and put it in a drawer that you use a lot. Later in the day, when you go to get a spoon or a sweater, there it will be, looking up at you, saying something like, “You are a little sweetheart, aren’t you?” or something like that. It will be good to feel a little embarrassed by the heightened emotion of the note. It will be good to have a treat and a non-gross secret like this note.”
“Turn your head to the side and give yourself a little kiss on the shoulder.”
Talking about drinking in airports: “The slightest things can tip me into nonspecific sadness when I am alone. A glass of white wine would be devastating, for example, if I were alone. A pint of beer just keeps everything steady. Hello, I am just a beer drinking, in neutral transit.”
Describing being on a plane: “And then, because it was the thing to do, I prepared to sleep, fully clothed and sitting up next to a stranger while we shot through the evening sky.”
There’s a chapter about having the types of flowers that would stick to the face of her dog and it’s so hard to get into how lovely it was, so it’ll be much easier for me to just ask you to read the Kathleen/Dog-Flower-Face chapter on page 131 the next time you’re in a book store. It’s wonderful.
The thought of, “If the whole world knows who you are then it is harder to get lost out there.”
Such a great, brave, revealing book. You really do feel like you know her once you’ve completed it, it’s wild. Definitely a great first book to read in 2020.
I love a resolution. I hate that they’ve gotten such a bad reputation over the years. What’s so wrong with trying to change something about yourself for the better? Sure, there are bad resolutions (lose weight, etc.) (actually that’s the only bad resolution, I think), but there are so many good ones you can take on. ENTER LIZ.
Read at least one book per season.
Start doing pilates again. I used to love pilates and then abandoned it once my old gym closed down. More pilates in 2020.
Juice at least five times a month.
Take Baby Dog on an adventure at least twice a season.
Properly go on a date with Nathan at least once a month.
Try at least one new restaurant each month.
Submit pieces to publications at least five times each month.
Go to at least one literary event every two weeks.
Save $50 every Monday until June to use for Europe spending money.
Once a month, call at least one person I haven’t talked to in awhile to catch up.
Every time I buy something new, I’ll donate or throw out one piece of clothing.
And just to stay on top of things, I wrote a reminder on the 15th of each month to re-read these to refresh my memory of what needs to get done.
