“To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible God.”
“The greatest advice I could give you is this: drizzle some honey over your next pizza. I swear to you, it will make you see God.”
I Must Say: My Life As a Humble Comedy Legend by Martin Short - A Review
Available on Amazon
Available on Amazon
Is it stupid to say that I wanted to read this book solely because I wanted to hear a lot of Clifford talk? And while there certainly were a couple little juicy Clifford tidbits that made me smile (four, to be exact), I’m so glad I picked up this book. I can only label it with one word. AMAZING. I don’t know if it’s due to his writing, the stories in it or the palpable sense that Martin Short seems like the most genuine human being alive, but it’s, by far, the best book I’ve read in a very long time.
Remember how I told you about the New Words document that I keep? I should let you know that I wrote down a total of eighteen new words that I learned from this book. I’m not sure if that tells you that Martin Short is an especially learned man or that perhaps I’m an absolute dolt. In any case, here were my very favourite parts of the book.
"My mind has always worked systematically to begin with. For example, I still operate according to the school-year calendar, where September heralds a new start and May/June the conclusion of another grade; as I write this, in the spring of 2014, I am finishing up what I think of as Grade 59."
I loved the chapter detailing his personal mantra of sorts – what he calls his "Nine Categories" – it’s essentially his "course load of life." This line especially I liked, "Everything else in life unravels if you’re not perpetuating your own survival. You have to take care of yourself." (Also, I don’t want to just tell you what the nine categories are because you should be exiting your home immediately to go buy this book so you can find out the categories yourself.)
Hearing him describe his first (and only) standup experience with the phrase "crescendoing boos" made me really laugh.
When he described someone as "facially uninteresting."
"Thank heavens for Nan’s wise words, which forever echoed in my head: "If I ever find out that you’ve cheated on me, I won’t say anything during the day, but at night, when you are asleep, so help me God, I will take an empty wine bottle and smash it over your head.""
The chapter about his brother who passed away at a young age is so moving.
When talking about a review of Clifford: "Roger Ebert memorably wrote of it, "I’d love to hear a symposium of veteran producers, marketing guys, and exhibitors discuss this film. It’s not bad in any usual way. It’s bad in a new way all its own. There is something extraterrestrial about it, as if it’s based on the sense of humor of an alien race with a completely different relationship to the physical universe. The movie is so odd, it’s almost worth seeing just because we’ll never see anything like it again. I hope.""
I loved hearing about how much Nicholas Cage and Elizabeth Taylor loved Clifford as much as any normal, human person should. Nicholas Cage told him that he "broke his VCR watching it" because he "watched that dining room scene" –look at me like a human boy!— "twenty-five times in a row, and rewound it so much that the machine jammed and the tape broke."
The story in which him and his wife accidentally assume someone’s name is Bumpkiss and proceed to call this man ‘Bumpkiss’ for about twenty minutes made me laugh so much.
He offers this advice he got from Victor Garber about what you should immediately do if you find yourself ever too high: "Victor went into Gilda’s kitchen and brought back a little dish of honey and a Coca-Cola. Victor is a diabetic. "You’re having the same reaction to the pot that a diabetic has from a blood-sugar crash," he told me gently. "Everything’s going to be fine. Here, take this." He fed me a spoonful of honey like I was a sick child. Then he had me drink the Coke. And he was totally right. I was back to normal within minutes."
I don’t know quite how to put this, but the way in which he speaks about his wife Nancy (Nan) is so intimate and revealing – I couldn’t get enough. The way he describes her, "She made your heart beat like a little distant jungle drum," makes the reader feel sort of in on their love or something. I feel like this could be a memoir of him and Nan. He loves her so much that it SEEPS through the page. The final few chapters detailing her battle with cancer and the surrounding years of that time had me literally sobbing.
Describing life without his wife: "We were, as a couple, like a big 747 jet plane, powered by two engines. But now one engine is out. Nevertheless, the plane is still filled with passengers, and there’s a lot of responsibility, a lot of lives still to influence. So the plane must continue to fly with one engine. It travels onward, but with a bit more effort and struggle, and with no time to flirt with the stewardess or get a coffee."
After his wife died, people would call and give him advice on how to cope with such a loss: "Mike Nichols also called, urging me to "just keep the conversation going." This was valuable wisdom, because the constant banter I maintained with Nancy was like oxygen to me, and to suddenly no longer have it in my life seemed incomprehensible – and, in bad moments, suffocating."
"After Nancy died, I read a 1910 sermon by the Oxford theologian Henry Scott Holland that has evolved over time into a funeral prayer. It begins:
Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as what it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together."
I was going to write out the final paragraph here because it was one of my favourites parts as well, but I’m not sure it’ll mean as much to you as it did to me since I read the thing in full and you did not (yet).
Needless to say, this man is one of the most talented people alive today and I’m left completely speechless at how incredible this book was to read. (Well, I guess not really speechless since this is a pretty lengthy post, but you know what I mean.) Martin Short, you are perfect.
Mike Reiss on Family Guy
All you have to know to read this excerpt is that Mike Reiss is a writer/producer on The Simpsons:
“I like Family Guy,” said Mike Reiss in a speech in 2009 at the 92nd Street Y in Tribeca. Reiss then related to a well-known story, how Family Guy’s creator, Seth MacFarlane, was scheduled to be on American Airlines Flight 11 on September 11, 2001. Because MacFarlane’s travel agent had given him the wrong departure time, MacFarlane narrowly missed the flight and watched on the airport TVs as his plane crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. “The point,” said Reiss, “is that I may like Family Guy, but God fucking loves Family Guy.”
Birthday!
(I’m putting this up now at 10am, since my Oz post was so delayed. Balance!)
Okay, this is just an advice post. A Liz Advice piece, if you will. Why am I doing this? Well, because it’s my birthday. I’ve been on this planet for twenty-eight years now and I like to think that I’ve learned some things. I, in no way, know it all. Duh. I’m not Beyonce. (Yet.) But here are a few things I’ve learned thus far…
Things You Should Do
- Save emails that have compliments about you in them. They’ll make you feel nicer at times when you’re in low places.
- Mail things. Everyone will always love mail. In the history of time, no one has ever angrily said, “Ah, God. Mail?!”
- Try to attain soft elbows. Someone’s gonna be touching them at some point. Make sure they’re up to par.
- Talk to your parents/parent a lot or more than a fair amount. They’re gonna say insightful things sometimes. A lot of it will be mediocre at best, but it’s best not to be a dick to humans who brought you here, dummy.
- Take at least two vacations a year. Even if they’re only to places as far as the next city over. Everyone is in a better mood on vacation.
- If/when you have nieces/nephews, be as present in their lives as you possibly can. It’s important for everyone involved.
- See an ophthalmologist at least once a year, every year. Eyes are just as important as teeth and no one ever talks about that fact. Just go.
- See a dentist twice a year. Not as important as the eye guy, but still up there.
- Hold grudges. Or rather, don’t be afraid to hold grudges. Sometimes people are just dirt and it’s good to remember that and not give them too much of yourself.
- Retweet.
Things You Shouldn’t Do
- Obsess about your weight/body. No one cares. It’s boring to hear and talk about. Spare us all.
- Be alone when you are sick. Call someone over. It helps your state of mind times a million. Having someone to complain to heals an illness 50% quicker, I’d imagine.
- Eat fast food more than once a week. Are you simple? Don’t do that. You’re better than that.
- Be weird about hugging.
- Point and laugh at someone. Even as a joke. I really can’t stand this. Too mean.
- Bungee jump. Have you ever seen a YouTube bungee jumping video before? Don’t. Do. It.
- Say, “WHAT?!” with an angry face when you can’t hear someone.
- Think that Beyonce’s better than you. Yeah, she’s got beauty/money/success/family/talent/style/security/thebesttumblr/etc., but I’m sure she has her own issues going on. You’re great, too. Don’t forget that.
- Smile at anyone on the street after 11pm.
- Favorite.
Thanks for reading, guys.
Birthdayly yours,
Liz
The Simpsons VS. Seinfeld (link) →
I just read this great piece by David Lipsky. It’s a good read if you like either of these shows. (And if you somehow don’t have some kind of small space in your heart for either of those shows? May God help you.)
“I hear and behold God in every object, yet I understand God not in the least,
Nor do I understand who there can be more wonderful than myself.”