Geena Davis

You know who never got hers? Geena Davis. Granted, I don’t know what she’s doing right now - but I think, like once a month, that she really got screwed in how long she was super famous for. I remember seeing her in A League of Their Own and thinking, “Whoa, this is the Marilyn Monroe of my generation.” And then when that didn’t happen, I was all, “Wow. That’s insane and wrong.” 

Maybe this isn’t post-worthy. But maybe it is… if you’re Geena Davis? I’d still freak out if I met this woman today. God, what a beauty.

The Rules of Being Late

Look, it's going to happen. You will be late at some point. Here's what to do when that happens.

1. Sincerely apologize. Express human remorse for wasting someone else's time. 
2. If you decide that you want to give an excuse for your lateness, explain it briefly and move on. Excuses are fine, but long excuses? They're typically boring and no one cares. Just own up and repeat #1.
3. If you're more than twenty minutes late, buy that person something. A drink. A chocolate. Something. It's kind and really lets the person know that you're sorry and that you don't take them for granted. No one wants to feel like that loser who's waiting for some rube to show up. It's a shitty feeling. 
4. Believe that you can do better next time. Make an effort to specifically not be late the next time you see that person.
5. Never believe or say the phrase, "I'm always late." Why? If you say this to another human being, and expect to have any ounce of respect thrown your way, you're a maniac. You have control over being on time or late. You do. We all do. We also set expectations for ourselves, and if this is what you're declaring about your own character? Wow. You deserve unhappiness. You really do. It's also abnormal to blindly just accept this trait. Not only do you have low expectations of yourself, but you're also telling others that their time isn't as important as yours - which is wildly obnoxious. If you've said this statement to people, you should consider yourself lucky that you have any friends at all. 

Can people change? Can the consistently-late people of this world change? I have to believe they can. I've been late before and I'll be late again. But if I'm ever KNOWN for that behaviour? Someone lock me up. It's so arrogant to be confident in one's lateness and to just assume others will adjust to it. That kind of selfishness is what turns people into serial killers. Right? Too much? No, I'm right. 

Also? If you think I'm talking about you specifically, that's hilarious. I can picture a few certain people I know reading this and thinking, "Yikes, she wrote this based on me" - maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong. I guess we'll never know.

2016 Resolutions

1. Read at least two books per season.

2. Do pilates at least five times each month.

3. Save 20% of every pay cheque from waitressing.

4. Juice at least ten times a month.

5. Go to an island with Nathan.

6. Constantly buy flowers for the apartment and take photos of each arrangement.

7. At least once a month, go to a fancy-ass NYC restaurant that you've never been to before.

8. Get at least three haircuts this year.

9. Wear all of the lipsticks. (I own twenty tubes of lipstick and I reserve them for... what?! I don't know. They gots to get WORN.)

10. Sing in public again.

(UPDATE: To see how these resolutions went, come on over here.)

2015 Resolutions Revisited

Remember the resolutions I made at the beginning of the year? Let's see how those went.

1. Read at least two books a season.

• Winter: I Shouldn't Even Be Doing Thing And Other Things That Strike Me As Funny by Bob Newhart & Don't Stand Too Close To A Naked Man by Tim Allen & Meaty: Essays by Samantha Irby
• Spring:  Are You There, Vodka? It's Me Chelsea by Chelsea Handler & The Bedwetter by Sarah Silverman
• Summer: Reasons To Stay Alive by Matt Haig
• Fall: Why Not Me? by Mindy Kaling

So I fell short of this goal by one measly book. That's on me. I'll do way better this coming year. 

2. Try two things off of Pinterest a month.

• Not even close. I didn't keep track of all of the recipes I've tried, but it certainly wasn't close to two per month. Infact, I didn't care much for this resolution after all. Noted.

3. Apply to work stuff at least ten times a month.

• Hahahah, NOPE!

4. Volunteer at least once a month.

• Honestly, I think I volunteered twice this year. I'm a terrible person.

5. Do pilates at least five times a month.

• January = 7 times
• February = 7 times
• March = 6 times
• April = 3 times
• May = 2 times
• June = 6 times
• July = 3 times
• August = 3 times
• September = 0 times
• October = 0 times
• November = 0 times
• December = 2 times

Okay, so I sort of fell off my game towards the end of the year. But that doesn't mean that I still don't love this resolution and will likely repeat it for 2016. I actually really like those classes, as you may remember, so I really want to be more consistent this upcoming year. (As a sidenote, in 2014, I went to the gym 37% (137 days out of 365) of that year. In 2015? I went 86 days out of 365, so that's 23.5% of my year that was spent at the gym. A lot less than I went in 2014, but what can you do? I was really proud of that 37% from 2014, so I'll continue to gym it up and try to get in that bracket range next year. And honestly 23.5% is absolutely better than 0%, so I'm not really beating myself up over that one.)

6. Juice at least ten times a month.

• January = 12 times
• February = 11 times
• March = 8 times
• April = 3 times
• May = 2 times
• June = 4 times
• July = 1 time
• August = 4 times
• September = 7 times
• October = 0 times
• November = 21 times (!)
• December = 2 times

Okay, so my juicing was all over the place. When I remembered? That's when juicing happened. But I really want to be amazing at it this next year, especially since it's so ridiculously good for you. 

7. Stop falling into the Instagram butt trap.

• I totally stopped! Success!

So those are my 2015 results. If any of that is boring to read, my apologies! I like to track my successes and my failures to see what I most need improvement on and maybe it'll inspire you to do the same with your own yearly goals. And if you're wondering how I track all of these things, you really should know by now. 

Merry Christmas!

I love these goons. Merry Christmas!

Winter List 2015

This is how I feel about winter.

Everyone keeps telling me that this is going to be a mild winter, so I'm going to try as hard as possible to make that not so. Ya know, with my mind. So we shall see.

What will I do this winter? Oh, I don't know - maybe a little of this, a little of that. JUST KIDDING HERE'S THE LIST.

1. FINALLY try to make cauliflower crust for a pizza. I've been wanting to do this forever and now that I have an oven and a pizza pan, I have no more excuses not to make one.

2. Visit the Martha Stewart Café in Chelsea. It opened in March and I still haven't gone, which makes zero sense since I whole-heartedly support this woman.

3. Finally visit Fraunces Tavern, the city's oldest building. I've been meaning to go here for years, I gotta get on this.

4. Make homemade vanilla extract. I didn't even know you could do this until recently, definitely have to attempt it.

5. Eat a By Chloe vegan burger. I keep seeing these open up around the city and I'm constantly told that they're as good as regular burgers, so I will eat one and tell you if people are lying.
   

10 Things To Do Before Christmas

I know that I'm still working on my autumn list of things to do, but here's the thing - autumn and Christmastime kind of overlap since the first day of winter is December 21st (did you think it was in November? 'Cause I did up until MAYBE last year). Anyway, Christmastime is happening and Imma get all up in it this year. Here's what I want to do. 

1. Have drinks at the Waldorf Astoria. I've only done this once before and it was beautifully decorated for the holidays, so I really want to go again. (Update: since it’s 2022 and the Waldorf is still under construction - a better suggestion would be The Plaza or The Peninsula.)

2. Bake those cupcakes with the ice cream cone Christmas tree because those look badass.

3. Donate any old blankets, clothes & shoes (if you have kids, it might be a good idea to donate some of their old toys).

4. Mail our (personalized) Christmas cards. It'd be weird if this didn't happen.

5. Look for local Christmas fairs to visit (like these in New York or these in Toronto).

6. Decorate the house and put up the tree!

7. Wear new pajamas on Christmas morning.

8. Go see the decorations at The Plaza Hotel & Macy's.

9. Buy some mistletoe at Trader Joe's.

10. Take a family portrait.

I encourage you to make a list of your own, not because I love lists but because if you do make one, then you're likely to actually complete some of these things and have a memorable December.

Friend Anniversaries

I'm not sure why friend anniversaries aren't as recognized as romantic ones, but I vow to change that. I guess they're less common because it's harder to pinpoint the exact moment upon which you became friends with someone. Thankfully, I met one of my closest friends Jenn when my brother Gary was visiting me, so I know the exact date and year - which happens to have been eight years ago today! 

We have taken many trips and videos together and I'm thankful as hell to have this fine woman in my life. 

If you care to see more of our videos (why would you? We're great!), you can find some of them over here. Happy Anniversary, my love!

Portrait Sketch

Thank you for the portrait, @aplsd21!

A photo posted by Liz Heather (@lizheather) on Nov 22, 2015 at 9:11pm PST

This is a portrait that was drawn of me by the talented Gregg Vance Emery over the weekend at the Poetry Brothel. He can typically be found at all of their events, walking around and sketching people he sees for free.

Annoyance of the Day - Gift Receipts

I hope you know where I'm going with this. What's so annoying about gift receipts? THE ABSENCE OF THEM.

(And before I go on, if you find this post selfish or crass, please don't ever get me a gift. If you're that sensitive about such a topic, I can't imagine you'd be a good gift-giver anyway.) 

Now, why are people so anti-gift receipts? Those tiny pieces of paper are beautiful little angels who WANT you to enjoy the money that has been spent on you! The mere existence of them is one of the greatest advancements in our modern society. Hey! You don't like your gift? That's cool, go pick out something else you DO like and don't waste that hard-earned money that was spent on your behalf! That's all they're saying, why are they not more used?!

I'm not alluding that for every gift I get, I want a gift receipt attached to it - I'm not some sort of demon. But if you're buying someone a gift and you're asked the question, "Do you want a gift receipt with your purchase?" - why the hell is the answer ever NO?! Who has the abnormally high confidence that every gift they've ever bought has been the absolute perfect gift? 

Oh, and the weirdos who give you a gift, you open it and then they say, "I have a gift receipt if you want it" - are we kidding here? Why did you not just include it in the box?! You want me to ask you for it?! I already told you that I'm NOT a demon, so no - I don't think I'll be asking you for that little piece of paper. 

It's so simple. You get a gift receipt. You include with the gift. If the gift sucks, the receiver doesn't have to throw out something they'll feel badly about. They can, God forbid, GET SOMETHING THEY ACTUALLY WANT. Why is this a difficult concept? 

Okay. I'm getting heated up here. I'm sorry. There are, of course, exceptions to these opinions. If you're in my family and there isn't a gift receipt with someone that I don't particularly care for - I'll probably let you know that I want to return it. And it won't be weird 'cause we're family and we can be dicks to each other without guilt. But with friends and acquaintances? That's a way harder area. Friends feel like they should know you, but such is not always the case. And telling a friend is WAY harder than telling your family.

And honestly, there have been maybe four instances in my life when I've really wished there were a gift receipt with a certain gift I've been given. I'm typically very happy whenever someone gets me anything, so I'm really just speaking generally. Gift receipts are so important. I mean, they exist - so why not give them with every gift? Unless you're buying that gift online, I really don't see why this custom hasn't caught on more.

All right, that's it. I'm sorry that you think I'm a terrible person, but someone needed to say it.