I feel like this could be really good.
“A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.”
New Fries at Shake Shack
I know that I've already voiced my views on the burgers at Shake Shack (see here, for a refresher). But I just found out today that they're upgrading their fries. And that's post-worthy.
They used to look like this:
And they've decided to change them to these:
And this decision is glorious. They just announced the change today. Why am I writing about this? Well, I find it rare for a company to actually listen to their consumers when there's a valid, popular complaint. Those old fries can eat a dick! They were awful. This place is becoming unstoppable now. I'm kind of afraid almost. Cannot wait to try these.
Bossypants By Tina Fey - A Review
I know that I'm about two years late in reviewing this, but I finally just got around to reading it only last night! I know... pathetic. Even my dad read it eons ago (though, to be fair, he's a much bigger Tina Fey fan than I am). I'm not even a busy person, so really there's no excuse for the lateness here.
Thoughts & Parts I Loved
Hearing the phrase "my thick virgin eyebrows" made me laugh for about three full minutes.
"This is what I tell young women who ask me for career advice. People are going to try to trick you. To make you feel that you are in competition with one another. "You're up for a promotion. If they go with a woman, it'll be between you and Barbara." Don't be fooled. You're not in competition with other women. You're in competition with everyone."
When talking about her experience on a cruise: "There are some wonderful Filipinos who fold your towels in the shape of a different animal every night. It might be an elephant wearing your sunglasses, or a duck wearing your sunglasses. It's just fun. Don't overthink it." - I can't really put into words why exactly, but the "It's just fun. Don't overthink it." part of that made me laugh a lot.
Honestly, the whole chapter about her honeymoon on a cruise ship is just wonderfully funny, especially her description of cruise ships in general: "Luxury cruises were designed to make something unbearable - a two-week transatlantic crossing - seem bearable. There's no need to do it now. There are planes. You wouldn't take a vacation where you ride on a stagecoach for two months but there's all-you-can-eat shrimp. You wouldn't take a vacation where you have an old-timey appendectomy without anesthesia while steel drums play. You might take a vacation where you ride a camel for two days if they gave you those animal towels wearing your sunglasses."
The line, "At a certain point your body wants to be disgusting." Ugh, just love that.
The chapter "Remembrances of Being Very, Very Skinny" is too great for words. The final paragraph of it especially: "We should leave people alone about their weight. Being skinny for awhile (provided you actually eat food and don't take pills or smoke to get there) is a perfectly fine pastime. Everyone should try it once, like a super-short haircut or dating a white guy."
My favourite lines from "Remembrances of Being a Little Bit Fat" are: 1. "Even though I only liked McDonald's fries, I believe it was more nutritious to make a meal of it and have two cheeseburgers as well." 2. "If I was really ambitious, I would get a Whopper Jr. at Burger King and then walk to McDonald's to get the fries. The shake could be from anywhere."
When talking about the ever-issue of women being funny: "I think of this whenever someone says to me, "Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny," or "Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny," or "Rick Fenderman says women aren't funny....Do you have anything to say to that?" Yes. We don't fucking care if you like it."
When talking about the overuse of Photoshop: "I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society...unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool." And "Photoshop is just like makeup. When it's done well it looks great, and when it's overdone you look like a crazy asshole. Unfortunately, most people don't do it well. I find, the fancier the magazine is, the worse the Photoshop. It's as if they are already so disgusted that a human has to be in the clothes, they can't stop erasing human features."
Her description of Amy Poehler makes me really want Amy Poehler to write a book. She seems like the coolest woman alive.
"Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff?"
Just a really great book, you should definitely read it - what am I saying, I'm sure you have already since it came out a billion years ago. In that case, read it again! She's an incredible woman and I sincerely hope that she writes another one sometime soon. You can purchase it here or peruse one of your friends bookshelves, 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll find it there, too.
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Song of the Moment
Can't tell you how much I've been playing this song on repeat lately. So damn catchy.
Brooklyn Bagel & Coffee Company in NYC
I don't really like bagels. There's just too much dough happening. Anytime someone tells me that they love bagels - well, I just assume they're also the kind of person who would fold their pizza slice in half and eat it like a curled up ball of dough. Why the hell does anyone do that? If you just eat the slice like a regular human, you get to have so many more delicious little bites and less of those few gross, gigantic, really bread-y bites of what was supposed to be a pizza. Never gonna understand that. But I digress.
It's not just the plethora of dough that I hate. Sometimes, it's the fact that no person alive knows the right amount of butter or cream cheese to put on a bagel. And I'm talking about professionals here. I always get too much or too little. Or it's never spread around evenly enough so then I have to dig up a knife somewhere or, ugh, use my own finger to finish the job correctly. Hate all of these things.
Now... it really doesn't seem like you're gonna trust my further opinions on the matter, but Brooklyn Bagel & Coffee Company has probably the most fantastic bagel I've had in New York so far. Why? They offer mini bagels! And they're cute as fuck. They do give you a ridiculous amount of cream cheese, yes, but it's better to be over the limit rather than under (I think it's about an ice cream scoop and a half almost. A Tim Hortons employee would hurl a French Vanilla right at your face before they'd ever give you that amount of cream cheese.) But the great thing is that they have a variety of different cream cheese flavours! I tried a bacon scallion flavour that blew my face right off, it was so tasty. They also have flavours of the month such as pistachio and (this week's) Snickers! What the hell?! Yeah, Snickers.
Gotta go eat one of these bagels, dummy.
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“Beauty does not lie in the eye of the beholder. It lies in REALLY STRONG, DEFINED EYEBROWS.”
Meet Joe Black
This is my favourite Brad Pitt movie that you probably haven't seen. Why is that? God only knows. I guess it didn't do so well in theatres? I can't really remember. Maybe 'cause it's a bit long? Whatever the reason, get over it and see it. Brad Pitt's good and all, but the main attraction here is Anthony Hopkins. Now there's a real man. Something about his voice... I just love him. Especially when he loses his temper, oh my how I love that.
What's it about? It's about a man (Anthony Hopkins) who's turning 65 (who's this billionaire/cool guy) and he is visited by Death (who has taken the form of Brad Pitt's body) . Death wants to see what the world is like, so he visits Anthony Hopkins and asks him to be his guide for awhile before Death must take him away with him. What happens? Anthony Hopkins' daughter falls in love with Death - and, oh dear, Death falls in love with her! What will happen? Ah, well you have to go watch it. I can't tell if that's the worst description of this movie ever or a really intriguing pitch to make you want to see it. Either way, I am all about this movie. Just love it.
I was gonna livetweet watching it with my mom the other day, but only came up with the idea half way through the movie, during the sex scene. These were some of her gems:
The hashtag would have been: #meetjoeblacksexscenewithmom
“Holy! Look at his body!”
“Whoa, careful! He’s a dead guy, girl!”
“Just remember, dead people can come back and do you.”
“Dead people are very gentle, nuh?”
Maybe those aren't actually that funny, but I was losing it. She says the perfect things sometimes and I love it.
Anyway, see this movie! Go!
(Ugh, I shouldn't have told you how long it was. That's gonna make you not want to see it. But it really doesn't feel like three hours, I swear. I got my mom to stay up until past 1:30am 'cause she was so into it and she usually starts complaining to go to bed at 11:30pm max.)
Infomercial GIFs
Love these so much.
Mom Says
Illustration by Andrew Hamm
Illustration by Andrew Hamm