“We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”

— Charles Bukowski

Reasons To Love Maya Rudolph

I know it's not just me who feels this way. The woman is fantastic. And yes, this list just contains her movies. But that's makes sense, doesn't it? I'm not lucky enough to know this woman intimately! If I ever meet her one day, I'll be sure to update this post with a small, "She's actually the best, guys" note at the bottom.

1. Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Laughs

2. Away We Go.

3. All of the Bronx Beats.

4. Bridesmaids.

5. I'm stating this pre-emptively, but it's probably going to be great... The Maya Rudolph Show airs its hour long, pilot episode on May 19th at 10pm EST.

Fed Up Documentary Trailer

If you want to get me really pumped up and excited to see your documentary, make sure it's about any of the following:

• 9/11
• Cults
• Serial killers
• American food

Do that and I'm YOURS. Can't wait to see this. Comes out May 9th.

Beauty Tip of the Day - Write Down Purchase Dates

An ongoing goal of mine has been to become (simply put) less gross. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older, but I can't seem to get away with as much as I used to. And I guess that's a good thing. One thing that I've really got to get better about is throwing away things that I have no use for and/or are expired. I'm mostly talking about makeup/beauty products here. (Does this post affect men at all? Yes, it does. No matter what kind of man y'are, I know there's at least one secret beauty product you're using that may go bad at some point. So I encourage you to label it up, guy.)

I only just clued in that using expired facial products can cause blemishes. Not washing makeup brushes can cause them, too. If you're reading these points and going, "Yeah. Duh." Well, I apologize. I guess you're better than me. In any case, writing the dates on when you buy products is such a smart move. I'm surprised I didn't read about this in Martha Stewart, to be honest. Though, to be fair, Real Simple, is considered a poor man's Martha Stewart to anyone with an ounce of intellect.

Start doing this! It'll change your life! Or, at the very least, it'll make you feel like you're becoming less gross. Also, I've found this especially works well with nail polishes. (The question of whether or not a nail polish ever really expires or goes bad is up for debate, but truthfully if I bought a certain bottle of nail polish eight years ago that has gone unused for that amount of time, then maybe it's time to spice things up and possibly buy a new colour? Just a thought.)

Children's Drawings Become Real Stuffed Animals

Wendy Tsao runs Child's Own Studio and has been turning children's drawings into stuffed animals since 2007. 

I'm conflicted about whether I want to congratulate this woman on coming up with such a unique business idea or whether I want to QUIT EVERYTHING AND SOMEHOW ALIGN MYSELF WITH HER TO CREATE THESE DRAWINGS AS A CAREER. Can you imagine how fun this must be? 

Prices run between $90 and $140 (Canadian), plus shipping costs - and there's obviously a wait list. But honestly, if you know how to use a sewing machine (and you should), I don't see what could be stopping you from trying to do this on your own. I would've never even thought of such an idea, but wouldn't it be an incredible gift? I don't know if a child would love it as much as I think they would (and should), but this is definitely going to be something I'll attempt if I ever have children. SUCH a genius idea. You can see more of her work here. 

“If you’re still buying greeting cards at CVS or Shoppers Drug Mart - please stop. They are EONS cheaper at any dollar store. Same quality, too. Unless you’re buying singing cards. And if you are buying singing cards, well, you and I are in different income brackets so carry on.”

— #lizadvice

And don't forgot about this tip for Easter!

Larry Miller's Spoiled Rotten America - A Review

All in all? It was pretty good. Not Mindy good, but pretty good. It started off really strong, but my interest sort of waned as it kept going. The two full chapters on why adultery shouldn't be such a big deal is a bit much to take in one sitting, but other than that it's a fun read. And if you haven't seen The Doorman episode of Seinfeld, well, that's upsetting. Every line he has in that episode is magic. 

Parts I Liked

• I'm not sure if this'll be as poignant out of context, but I really liked this part: "If I were wiser, or something better than I am, if our culture were different somehow, I would have said something like, "Please listen to me. Don't live this way. You have to care about your work. Not for me, for yourself. You must care about me, too, but it starts with caring for yourself and what you do. It doesn't matter whether you take out garbage or spleens, you have to care. It's better to care. You're too young not to care."
• The phrase, "I excused myself with a smile."
• This definitely won't seem funny upon re-telling, but the part where he describes himself getting ready to beat someone up: "I was ready, willing, and able to drive back down there in my Saab, march over to him in my Dockers and Topsiders, roll up the sleeves of my Brooks Brothers summer-weight pinpoint Oxford, throw my Law & Order 100th Episode cap on the ground, spit on my Lubridermed hands, and tell him he either had to...." - the Law & Order line made me laugh so much. 
• "Watching the instant friendships and play of children is a perfect lesson in how much paradise we leave behind in childhood."
• I don't particularly give a shit about cars, but there's a part I liked where he compares '57 Chevys to the cars made today: "Cars today are reliable, but they've got the soul of a vat of paste."
• "The porter was unshakable. Mount Rushmore changed expressions more than him."
• Loved hearing him describe a day as: "One satanically windy afternoon..."
• When talking about his friend Jerry Allen, "There was no tension about it between us, because we were late-nighters together, huddled in the same foxhole, and lucky enough to know somewhere deep down that the only real competition in life is with yourself."
• There's also an entire chapter devoted to teaching you how to get your children to want to watch the shows you grew up with (and to make them enjoy it as much as you), which was so smart and filled with good ideas. It's too lengthy to write here, but if you care about doing this with your kids at all, read this book.

You can purchase it on Amazon. 

Homemade Salsa

I'm just going to say it: you should be watching your sodium intake levels. Forgive me if that's a tedious way to start this post, but it's important! And one of the reasons why I've been cutting back on eating a lot of the already-jarred salsas/items at the grocery store. 

Are you aware of how easy this is to make yourself? It's almost weird. Why the hell haven't we all been doing this for years? Fuck you, Tostitos! We don't need you!

Ingredients

1 can (28 Ounce) of Whole Tomatoes With Juice
2 cans (10 Ounce) of Rotel (Diced Tomatoes And Green Chilies)
1/4 cup Chopped Onion
1 clove Garlic, Minced
1 whole Jalapeno, Quartered And Sliced Thin
1/4 teaspoon Sugar
1/4 teaspoon Salt
1/4 teaspoon Ground Cumin
1 Whole Lime, Squeezed

Directions

Put all the ingredients into a blender and pulse it up to the consistency you desire. 

I've made this three times already and each batch will last you about a week or two, depending on how much salsa you eat (and if you don't eat that much, you can freeze it, too). Definitely try this recipe - I will never buy store-bought again.

Also, there was cilantro in the original recipe that I left out since it can be pretty overbearing, but maybe that's just me. We all have our differing opinions when it comes to cilantro. 

Brooklyn Cyclones Hosting A Seinfeld Night on July 5th

Why is this happening? 'Cause dreams do come true. I've been wanting to go to a Cyclones game for years, so this couldn't be a more perfect one to go to. 

"On July 5, 1989, Seinfeld aired on NBC for the first time and 25 years later, the Cyclones will celebrate the show that has left an indelible mark on popular culture. The first 2,500 fans in attendance will receive a Keith Hernandez "Magic Loogie" Bobblehead.  In addition, there will be non-stop Seinfeld themed entertainment from beginning to end. Yada yada yada... you'll have an awesome night." brooklyncyclones.com

What kinds of things?

• MCU Park will be known as Vandelay Industries Park for one night only
• Mailmen in uniform get to throw out a ceremonial first pitch
• Anyone who has a business card indicating that they are in fact a "Latex Salesman" will also receive a free ticket to the game.  If we call the number and it's some apartment on the Upper East Side, you won't qualify for the freebie. 
• Fans can visit the information table for an "airing of grievances"
• Closest to the pin / whale's blow hole competition
• The foul poles will be known as Festivus Poles
• "Low-Talking" PA Announcer
• Elaine Dancing Contest
• Everyone Runs the Bases Post-game (but anyone named Jerry gets a head start)
• Game of "Risk" on the Concourse
• Cereal eating contests
• Anyone named George Costanza will be allowed to join our radio broadcast as a color analyst for an inning
• Players in puffy shirts for batting practice

You probably should get your tickets early, as this night is surely to be one of the most popular of the 2014 season. Single game tickets will go on sale Saturday, May 10th at 10AM.  But if you follow the Cyclones on Facebook or Twitter, you will get access to a special pre-sale before the general public.  For more information please call 718-37-BKLYN.

Honestly, the "Low-Talking PA Announcer" is maybe the best idea in the world. SO EXCITED FOR THIS.