Fury of the Day - "Are You Beach Body Ready?"

You know where I'm going to go with this. You must. Or you really have no idea who I am as a human being. In any case, this is what's plastered along NYC subway trains right now (below).

I've heard the phrase "beach body ready" since I was... 10 years old. I think the first time was probably in a Seventeen magazine and it has been a constant fear nestled inside my brain throughout my entire life. I think I stayed out of pools for about eight years because I was so afraid of how god-awful I thought I looked in swimwear. EIGHT YEARS. Are we all aware of how nuts that is? When you're a kid and someone's telling you (or you're reading about how) you need to look a certain way to feel good about yourself in a swimsuit, that will always and forever be fucked up. 

I think I finally realized its negative impact on my life only a few years ago. Do you have any idea how sad that is that it took me so long? The idea that there are grown women walking around right now thinking, "Fuck, it's almost summer. My beach body isn't ready." HOW IS THAT A REAL THOUGHT?! If you're not yet aware, YES - your body is beach ready. It's also grocery store ready. YOUR BODY IS ALWAYS READY.

Honestly, I hope these kinds of ads make you mad, too. I really do. And not just because grown-ass women are still timid about wearing swimsuits in public, but because there's a whole fucking generation of young girls who are subjected to this same kind of nonsense that I read about twenty years ago. The fact that it's still socially acceptable to mention the phrase "beach body" makes me want to smash windows. Smash them with my thick, meaty arms.

And just for the record, you can't get me OUT of a pool these days and I'm happy that I can genuinely enjoy myself in public in a swimsuit. And if you ever wonder why I'm so keen to post swimsuit photos on my Instagram, I think it's because I was so ashamed of not looking a certain way for so long that being coerced into wanting to hide my body for so many years has made me want to embrace the skin I'm in today. Does that sound lame? I'm comfortable with that. I'd rather be lame and happy than cool and deathly afraid of a bikini.

Love

http://thisislizheather.tumblr.com/post/122347790399/regnumdeii-netflixz-driving-past-your-old

Turkey Burger

I know that you know that I've been trying to eat better lately, but that doesn't mean you can't make a healthy-ish burger once in awhile. And this is absolutely the tastiest turkey burger I've ever had. I swear to God it tastes like a real burger. 

Ingredients

• 1 pound lean ground turkey
• 3/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 3/4 ounces crumbled feta cheese
• 4 sliced dill pickles
• 4 whole-wheat hamburger buns, toasted (or Martin's Potato Rolls)

Instructions

1. In a medium bowl, mix the first 7 ingredients. Then form the individual patties.

2. Broil for 5–6 minutes on each side or until done.

3. Place the burger on the bottom half of bun. Top with dill pickles and add no-sugar ketchup if you wish. Cover with the top half of bun.

This recipe was slightly adapted from Health.com. 

“You know those kids who sell snacks that you don’t buy for a $1 on the subway for their sports team? Why not buy one for that $1, keep it in your bag, then give it to the next homeless person who comes around on the subway asking for something to eat?”

— #NYCadvice

Springfield Isotopes Hoodie

If there are any hardcore Simpsons fans in your life (other than me), I think I've just found them the perfect gift. (I looked for a baseball hat - is it hat or cap? - with the Isotopes logo and that one was surprisingly hard to find. Will keep looking.)

The hoodie's available for under $20, too!

The Charming Richard Lewis

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Richard Lewis? Not just 'cause of Curb Your Enthusiasm - I've loved him since Once Upon A Crime. 

There's just something about him I've always liked. He was at Barnes & Noble recently promoting his new book and I was fortunate enough to meet this babe of a man. 

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Myself, Richard Lewis & Carl Titolo

Not only was it such a treat to meet him, but I will literally treasure this inscription he wrote way more than is socially acceptable.

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Eeeeeeeeeeeee!

Mom Says

“A new bride must enter her home by the main door, and must not trip or fall - hence the custom of carrying the bride over the threshold.”

Smell Based Alarm Clock

Paris-based entrepreneur Guillaume Rolland has invented the “SensorWake,” the world’s first scented alarm clock that will wake you up using smell instead of sound.

You can choose from a wide assortment of scents, like coffee, croissants, the ocean, or even the smell of money. Even Google recognizes its potential, awarding it as one of the top 15 inventions “that can change the world” at the 2014 Google Science Fair." You can fund it on Kickstarter, if you so please. 

Amazing.

“He has created a musical language that is the acoustic door to the unknown. Like an ever ascending score that never reached to the heavens.”

— Godfrey Reggio, talking about Philip Glass

When She Loved Me

I think I have a gift for searching (and finding) the saddest songs on the planet. The next time you're in a real deep, dark mood - send me a text and I'll let you know exactly what you should listen to on repeat. 

(Even out of context, this song is so sad - but IN CONTEXT? In that scene in Toy Story 2? Get out of here, that's like the-first-fifteen-minutes-of-Up kind of sad.)